Likely the last time I sleep in this house. I’m aware of Mom being gone - sitting and looking at her piano, hearing the Scarlatti K. 380 in my head, remembering this story and those buttons and that glass and “she kept EVERYTHING!!”, with notes. Christopher is in the other bed across Room 2B; before he drifted off so I can hear him breathing, the silence from the other room was… not eerie, not deafening, just… nobody there. Mom wasn’t doing her nightly routine, water running, doors closing, lamp off, just… quiet. Not even empty, I don’t think.
At her service I heard over and over what a presence she was, calm and kind but strong, strong but calm and kind. That list of goals - to be less extravagant, a better musician, to swear less (!?!), and more - seriously, she accomplished them all. I’d have given my right arm to hear her drop an f-bomb, but the world would have ended right then.
What an enigma. Loved beautiful things, generous with those things… “what’s the point of having them if you don’t use and enjoy them?” Who’s going to listen to me ramble on a Sunday evening? Or encourage me to splurge on Martha Washington geraniums?
And yet she’s not gone, she’s all around. I don’t have any specific feeling or vision of where or how she is like I did Dad. Just different.
Today’s result, after realizing the funky prone face-down pointy Oscar mannequin in white light, and then me viewing it from the feet-end, aka the sink & mirror part of the room, was my brain taking a break:
I made a mistake.
I told him to stop.
A better person would have stopped.
Enveloped by “Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters” and the splendid mandolin, so distracting I don’t know the words.
Pretty big step in the right direction. I’m tired.
How sad to lose my temper over cat shit. There’s so much else eating away at me, I know it’s a Symptom but it’s also an actual issue. “Talk about your First World Problems,” she negates. Doesn’t matter in the slightest. And matters more than anything.
Exhausting.
EMDR to start this week. I find it less curious that they request that I “remain present” during the therapy, it would be insanely easy to ‘check out’ at that time. Wondering if the KS attorney is right, does the therapist have my best interest at the top of the list, or do I come in Second to sparing other young women my fate? I can see both, and I can get behind both... just tired of always coming in 2nd in my own little life.
So the Oscars... why is everyone so up in arms about Seth McFarlane? His boobs song? Pay attention, ALL the women were pre-recorded, they participated in the song.
My bigger "issue" is that this was Music in Movies year, unofficially or whatever, they even did it on The Acoustic Storm radio show on Sunday. Five great performances of really good songs, Babs was there (gag) to pay homage to Marvin Hamlisch (not the only musician, or movie person, who passed away)... fun song and dance numbers, those were great.
But why this year, just because of "Les Mis"? I'm STILL irked at the 2008 ceremony, when WALL-E was up for Best Animated and Slumdog Millionaire won Best Picture (ugh)... it was the Hugh Jackman Song & Dance show, rather than feature the 3 songs up for Best Song (and how about featuring the Best Score nominees?) they made a medley that was such a poorly representative afterthought that Peter Gabriel refused to participate. I "get" that they go for different emphasis or whatever, but a snub one year to an all-out love-fest another is a bit uneven. Music MAKES movies (do you know that Thomas Newman has been nominated *11 times* and never won? Shawshank, WALL-E, American Beauty, Skyfall and more...)
I still love music more than just about anything else, and this sticks in my craw.
BTW, if you get the chance to see the Short Films (animated, live-action, documentary), GO - they're really splendid. I skipped the documentaries this year, TOO emotional, but now I'm sorry I did.
Gowns were spectacular, loved Jennifer Lawrence and Halle Berry, and Clooney needs a haircut.
Still love the Oscars, they're my favorite first-world problem :-) Let's go to the movies!
Pretty sure our little Stormin' kitty is leaving us now... had such a bad day with the vet, and now he's moving farther and farther away from us physically... I hope not, so much, but if it's his time I want him to go quickly and peacefully...
