I was in bed with the flu and a kidney infection, and then I got my period. The cherry on top of a really s***ty cake. Due to my being floored in bed, I hadn’t had a chance to do my usual shopping and only had one tampon left.

My boyfriend called on his way home from work.

Boyfriend: “Needed anything picking up?”

Me: “Yes, tampons please.”

Boyfriend: “Eww, gross.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Boyfriend: “I can pick you up and drive you to the supermarket so you can buy them yourself.”

Me: “That won’t work.”

Boyfriend: *Whiney.* “Why not?”

Me: “Blood and gravity.”

He huffs and puffs but finally agrees to go to the supermarket. He calls me from the tampon aisle and whispers.

Boyfriend: “I’m here. Which ones do you need?”

I explain, and he is about to put them in the basket, but then:

Boyfriend: “Hmm, there’s orange ones here.”

Me: “What orange ones?”

Boyfriend: “Super plus plus.”

Me: “Nope, too much. Just regular and super, please.”

Boyfriend: “Babe, I dunno if you know, but when you’re, well, doing that, there is a lot of blood.”

Me: “Now I know you’re not trying to mansplain to me my own f****** flow.”

At least that’s what I WANT to say, but I have to stay calm and polite because he’ll just leave without buying any if I kick off.

Me: “No thanks, just the ones I asked for.”

He comes home with the f****** orange ones.

Boyfriend: “Trust me, these will be better for you.”

I had no other choice but to use them. It was like pulling a London bus from out of me every time I changed one.

And he wonders why he’s now my ex.

I was in my home office working when I suddenly heard my husband yelling in the bathroom.

Husband: “Son of a b***! D***ed cat!”

Me: “What’s wrong?”

My husband comes out holding our cat, his paws wet.

Husband: “This demon-shaped cat has the annoying habit of trying to slap my pee stream whenever I go to the toilet, and today he was successful.”

Me: “Oh?”

Husband: “Yup, so I had to chase after him to wash his paws. So here, grab him so I can clean the bathroom.”

Me: *To the cat.* “Imhotep, why do you do this?”

Husband: “Wait, he doesn’t do that to you? He has a grudge against me or something?”

Cue me staring at him, trying to phrase my response.

Me: “Honey, think very slowly now. What do I have to do before I pee?”

Husband: “Pull down your pants?”

Me: “After that.”

Husband: “Sit… yeah, now I get it.”

He went to clean the mess, while I laughed at his brain fart and our fur-demon purrs in my lap.

I woke up around 2 AM, sweating and panting. My husband grabbed the baseball bat beside the bed and stood by the door.

Husband: “What? What?”

Me: “I – I – oh no.”

Husband: “What?”

Me: “I had a dream that I was late for school.”

Husband: “Honey. You’re thirty-eight.”

Me: “I know! It was just a dream. I don’t know why I thought I was late for school.”

Husband: “Did you forget something for work?”

Me: “I don’t think so. No wait…”

I did! 

I forgot to send out a reminder to update the minutes for a weekly meeting that would occur the next morning at 9 AM. I ran to my computer, sent the minutes, and went back to sleep. My boss brought it up in the next meeting, commending me on my dedication to my job.

My girlfriend and I live far enough north in Canada that we get a white Christmas most years. This year, Christmas Day had a snowstorm heavy enough that we both agreed it was safer to stay home and not go to see our families.

On the morning of Boxing Day:

Girlfriend: “Highways are still closed?”

Me: “They’re open. It didn’t snow overnight, so most of it’s been cleared, although my car is still somewhere under Mount Snowverest.”

We both look at each other, wrapped in blankets, sipping cocoa, surrounded by snacks.

Girlfriend: “You know… both our families wanted us to drive out today to make up for missing yesterday.”

Me: “What if we just… didn’t?”

Girlfriend: “They’ll be mad.”

Me: “Well, we could still be snowed in.”

Girlfriend: “So… lie?”

Me: “You either help me get the car out from under that snow for an hour to be rewarded with family drama and, “when are you getting married” questions, or we stay under the blanket with cookies and a Lord Of The Rings marathon?”

Girlfriend: “You know what? It looks like it might start snowing again.”

I look out at the clear blue skies, without a cloud in sight.

Me: “Well, your vision was always better than mine.” *Grabs the remote and snuggles deeper under the blanket.*

My wife and I live near a city called Anderson. We frequently drive there for groceries, the hardware store, etc.

A few days ago, we were driving through town and passed a bus stop with a kiosk that read “CATS” on the side.

Wife: “You’d think they would have changed that ad by now.”

Me: “What ad?

Wife: “The ad for ‘Cats’ back there. How many years has it been since that came out?”

Me: “Since what came out?”

Wife: “The musical, ‘Cats’! I’ve seen that same ad up there for years!”

Me: “Uh, honey … that’s the name of the bus company. CATS is City of Anderson Transportation System.”

Wife: “What … seriously?! Omighod, I always thought that was an ad that they never took down! You must think I’m an idiot!”

I’d never say that out loud, dear. But I love you anyway.