I’m in the supermarket, and a small child is staring at me. He grabs the attention of his adult.

Kid: *Loudly.* “Uncle Gary… that lady over there has really big boobies!”

Uncle: “Shh! Be quiet! She’ll hear you!”

Kid: “Is that bad?”

Uncle: “Yes… She’s a witch, and she’ll cast a spell on us if she hears you.”

The kid looks somewhere between horrified and unsure.

Kid: “How do you know she’s a witch?”

Uncle: “Because she has big boobies. That’s where they keep their magic. They use it to do things like make men buy drinks for them in bars, or make policemen forget they were speeding!”

Kid: “Huh… Is Mummy a witch?”

Uncle: “No, your mum’s fine. But don’t tell her I told you about the witches until I’ve gone back to Scotland. She’ll get mad that I scared you. Promise?”

They pinky swear.

Kid: “I promise.”

Meanwhile, I was carefully trying to hide giggles at the thought of that conversation to come.

A recent UK Supreme Court ruling has legally defined a “woman” as only someone who is identified as biologically female at birth, not their gender identity. It specifically clarifies that individuals should use facilities, such as toilets, designated for their sex assigned at birth. 

A woman is storming up to the customer service desk in our department store.

Customer: “I just went into the ladies and there was a man in there!”

Me: “Oh dear, that’s not good. This happened just now?”

Customer: “Yes! Come with me now! We can still catch him in the act!”

I follow this harried customer as she leads me to the back of the department, where the toilets are. A masculine-looking person with a light beard is walking out of the ladies’ toilets.

Customer: “There he is!” *Storming up to him.* “You! What do you think you’re doing, perving on the women while they’re just trying to use the toilet!”

Other Customer: “Law says I have to use the ladies, so I’m using the ladies.”

Me: “Sir, are you… by any chance…?”

Other Customer: “Trans, yeah! But the law doesn’t recognise that so now I gotta use these loos. Should get more interesting as my beard grows out more.”

Customer: “But… but… you’re a man!”

Other Customer: “Forgive my language, miss, but… that’s… the f****** point!”

I did not uphold the customer’s complaint.

This story reminded me of my own occurrence where a former boss of mine emailed me out of the blue to raise what she considered a genuine complaint received from her colleagues about me.

Bit of backstory now. I work as a Revenue Protection Officer for a train station at an airport. Part of my duties is to ensure passengers are traveling with valid tickets or at least have proof that they have a ticket in their possession.

What I quickly found out was that on the first train into the airport, a lot of my former colleagues in my former job (flight attendants) would not buy a ticket. This changed when we installed automatic gates at the airport, and so now, what we find is that after this train pulls into the station, you will see maybe two or three chancers (opportunists) standing around, in full flight attendant uniform, looking at their phones. This is a dead giveaway that they are buying a ticket in order to get through the barriers.

It’s important to note that should you not notice this occurring, the barriers will open on a chancer scanning through. That is why we have devices that pick up the timestamp when the ticket was bought. This then falls under the parameter of the Penalty Fare scheme; they did not have a ticket for their journey.

Apparently, I’ve picked up a reputation in my old base for penalising chancers if and when I catch one. I woke up yesterday morning to the following email from my former boss. HR was also tagged in the email.

Former Boss: “Hello [My Name],

I hope this email finds you well.

I am emailing you today to make you aware of certain complaints raised about your conduct in penalising staff members traveling to the airport via train at [Train Station].

I would like to remind you, [My Name], that asking our staff for proof of address, their full name, or access to their personal details is a breach of their GDPR. I will ask you to please cease this behaviour immediately, or we will be compelled to seek legal action against you.

Kindest Regards,
[Former Boss’s Name].”

To explain the context of this email. Asking fare evaders for proof of address, details including their names, or a bank statement to confirm legitimacy, is a protected enforcement protocol as per the Railway Bylaws of 2014. It’s also worth mentioning that not carrying a valid ticket, when you have the option to buy it at the initial station, is not strictly a Penalty Notice event. If you have the ability and are qualified as such to do so, you can, as a Revenue Protection Officer, issue a Court Summons document.

My rights to investigate, therefore, are totally valid; she has no power to suggest otherwise.

Having said that, I could not help but laugh when I read this email. Who the f*** does my previous boss think she is? I decided after a while to reply. I cc’d my boss and my company’s HR team as well to make them aware of this email.

Me: “[Former Manager]

I must say, I am ever so slightly appalled by this demand.

As I am sure you will agree, as a fellow professional in the transportation industry, when you use public transport, you are agreeing to that company’s terms and conditions, or even its conditions of carriage, would state in no uncertain terms that you, as the passenger, pay for the services rendered or otherwise face the consequence of a penalty fare.

On that note, I would like to inform you that a penalty fare is, by all means, a civil order for fare evasion. The actual consequences range from court hearings and potential criminal charges, which, in respect of your employees, would therefore mean termination. I would like you to consider that going forward.

If I, as a Revenue Officer, find that on a very regular occurrence your staff are traveling without the valid means to justify their usage of [Train Company], then they are, by law, subject and liable to a penalty. Given that this ‘behaviour’ is totally in line with my responsibilities as a [Train Company] employee, I simply will not cease this activity.

As I am sure you will understand, the fact is that your staff continue to deliberately not abide by what any person would understand is common sense – I would not be able to get on board a plane today without buying a ticket for it first. It is the same policy that applies to the trains.

Having said that, I would now consider this matter dealt with and closed. If you have any further complaints or observations, feel free to submit them to the attached email addresses.

Have a wonderful day,
[My Name].”

Not surprisingly, I did not get a reply from her or her HR team. My boss thought my response was hilarious, though.

Many years ago, I had some hospitality tickets for Formula 1 at Silverstone (I think it was the year Hamilton won his first season).

I decide to get some binoculars to take with me, so I go to the local electronics shop and talk to a very nice sales lady, who seems genuinely excited at the idea of going to F1 at Silverstone. She suggests some binoculars, and I get my wallet out.

At which point, the sales guy comes bounding over, pushes the sales lady out of the way, grabs the binoculars I was going to buy from her, and asks:

Sales Guy: “What are you thinking of using them for?”

He barely lets me answer as he grabs some that my sales lady had already discounted (because they were twice as much) and suggests that they would be a much better option. 

Mildly irritated at this point – I was enjoying chatting to the sales lady – I listed some of the reasons that she told me they weren’t a good fit.

Sales Guy: *Rolls his eyes.* “She’s just a trainee, and the [expensive model] is really the one you want.”

Eventually, it takes quite a stern ‘no’ to stop him from trying to upsell me.

At this point, I really just want to walk out of the shop, but I suffer from the occasionally debilitating condition of being English, and that kind of embarrassment is just too much to take. Instead, I’ll buy them and go home fantasising about all of the cool things I should have said.

So, card in hand, I’m just about to pay, and he asks:

Sales Guy: “Do you want insurance?”

Me: “No, just that thanks.”

Sales Guy: “You really should have insurance. They are very delicate; it doesn’t take much to knock a lens out of alignment.”

Me: “No, it’s fine. Just the binoculars, please.”

Sales Guy: “You probably shouldn’t buy them without the insurance.”

Finally given a way out, I nod and agree, and he runs out the back to get the paperwork for the insurance. He comes back and asks me for my name ‘for the insurance.’

Me: “Oh no, sorry, I was agreeing with you that I shouldn’t buy them, not if they are that delicate. I’m quite clumsy, so I’d definitely break them.”

He tries to backtrack on some of the ones that the sales lady had suggested, saying that they would actually be perfect for me. I reminded him that he said they weren’t very good.

Then I thanked him for helping me see that I really didn’t need to spend all of that money on binoculars and walked out.

I was in bed with the flu and a kidney infection, and then I got my period. The cherry on top of a really s***ty cake. Due to my being floored in bed, I hadn’t had a chance to do my usual shopping and only had one tampon left.

My boyfriend called on his way home from work.

Boyfriend: “Needed anything picking up?”

Me: “Yes, tampons please.”

Boyfriend: “Eww, gross.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Boyfriend: “I can pick you up and drive you to the supermarket so you can buy them yourself.”

Me: “That won’t work.”

Boyfriend: *Whiney.* “Why not?”

Me: “Blood and gravity.”

He huffs and puffs but finally agrees to go to the supermarket. He calls me from the tampon aisle and whispers.

Boyfriend: “I’m here. Which ones do you need?”

I explain, and he is about to put them in the basket, but then:

Boyfriend: “Hmm, there’s orange ones here.”

Me: “What orange ones?”

Boyfriend: “Super plus plus.”

Me: “Nope, too much. Just regular and super, please.”

Boyfriend: “Babe, I dunno if you know, but when you’re, well, doing that, there is a lot of blood.”

Me: “Now I know you’re not trying to mansplain to me my own f****** flow.”

At least that’s what I WANT to say, but I have to stay calm and polite because he’ll just leave without buying any if I kick off.

Me: “No thanks, just the ones I asked for.”

He comes home with the f****** orange ones.

Boyfriend: “Trust me, these will be better for you.”

I had no other choice but to use them. It was like pulling a London bus from out of me every time I changed one.

And he wonders why he’s now my ex.