If you are one of those people who feel threatened by the proposed introduction of identity cards and are nervous about the government holding all your personal details in a not too secure data base: or even if you are one of those who is just concerned about having your wheelie bin bugged or being a ‘star’ of CCTV  …..

Be afraid ! …   Be very afaid ! …  for it may not be long before you won’t need to carry an identity card in your wallet or hide from the camera in the loo, because the state surveillance system will soon be able to know your every move due to the microchip implanted up your arse (well they are bound to make the insertion procedure as unpleasant and intrusive as possible).

No, I’m not making this up: for according to a report, drawn up by a team of respected academics, this could be on the cards (Oops! sorry) in a few years, for it appears that Britain is a world leader in the use of surveillance technology and its citizens the most spied-upon in the free world.

I undertand that these ‘chips’ have already been trialled in America, where they were implanted in 70 mentally-ill elderly people in order to track their movements, and of course similar ones have been implanted in dogs for years. They scan them just like a bar code.

I know one thing for certain, and that is that they will have to hold me down to implant one in me …  

……   even if they do give me a … ‘bonio’.   

I have just visited my local Sainsbury’s supermarket where, as I entered, I was confronted with a huge heap of pumpkins.

Everywhere that you look at the moment you are reminded that it is almost time for that annual event which large commercial organisations and marketing companies have  imported from America … Yes ! That’s right it’s nearly ‘Trick or Treat’ time once again.

No, I don’t mean Halloween, for that is an old festival in this country dating back to pagan times and has always been a time for parties with traditional apple ducking, fireworks, recounting of ghost stories and playing games. What I mean is this idea that ‘Trick or Treat’ is all about banging on people’s doors after dark, demanding money and frightening the wits out of many old folk. It should be renamed ‘Trash or Cash’.   

A couple of years ago, one wet and windy late October evening an elderly lady who lives a few doors from me appeared on my doorstep in a very distressed state. It appeared that she had opened her street door only to be confronted by two man sized teenage yobs wearing rubber skull masks who yelled “trick or treat!” and held out their hands …  Guess what ? … It wasn’t even Halloween ! 

I know that in the USA Halloween is a major event, but what many people in this country fail to understand is that Trick and Treating is generally organized in such a way that you only take part in the fun if you want to.  I believe that you let this be known by leaving a pumpkin on your porch or by showing some other sign that you will welcome children and hand out small treats of candy and the like.
This is something that the money grabbing companies that promoted this event in the UK forgot to tell anyone.

Don’t get me wrong, for I like to see children enjoying themselves, and this can be achieved without spending a fortune at ‘ASDA’ (Wal-Mart) and without being a nuisance to others.

So to all my blogger friends in the US may I wish that you all have a great time at Halloween, and to all those little hooligans who are thinking of knocking on my door on the 31st, be prepared to be told that  …

……  “This is not the United States, so … Piss off !”  👿         

One of the nice things about being retired is that I can take my time in the morning getting out of bed, have a leisurely breakfast, relax over a cup of coffee and enjoy reading the newspaper.

Well, perhaps ‘enjoy’ is the wrong word to use these days, as the papers seem to be full of ‘doom and gloom’, with reports of … More deaths in Iraq … Continued fierce fighting in Afghanistan … The Korean nuclear threat … Predictions of racial violence in the UK … Chaos and waste in the National Health Service … Gordon Brown and his ‘stealth taxes’ … ‘Untouchable’ teenage tearaways … The closure of rural post offices … Binge drinking yobs …  and even the killing of poor bloody whales by Iceland.

Need I go on ?  …  Shall I elaborate ? … No, I don’t think so, for it would mean too much repetition of names like Bush and Blair and the continual use of words such as …  ‘Diversity’ … ‘Veil’ … ‘Muslim’  … ‘Multiculturalism’ … and … ‘bloody!’

Another thing that always pisses me off with the papers is that they are full of stories about people that I couldn’t care less about and would be very happy if I never heard of them again, including  … Paul McCartney and his ‘poor abused’ wife … Madonna and her ‘must have’ African baby … Kate Moss and her ‘dipstick’ of a boyfriend … and of course, the bloody ‘royal family’ !

One story in the news at the moment did almost bring a smile to my face, for it seems that you can now visit an empty art gallery with ‘blank’ walls  and ‘imagine’ your own pictures.  

Perhaps I should open a blank sheet of paper after breakfast …

…..  and imagine my own news. 

I know that on the whole our politically correct police forces services are bloody useless at catching anything more than a cold, but one element of them that I have always had faith in is their dogs.

I’m sure that we have all seen displays where these highly trained animals have shown how good they are at running down a fleeing suspect and holding on to him with their teeth until he can be handcuffed by their handler.

Now it seems that some idiot of a police chief has had the idea that some thieving bastard who has just nicked some old lady’s purse might sue for damages and have his ‘human rights’ infringed if ‘Rover’ sinks his teeth into his arse.

North Wales’s Deputy chief constable Clive Wolfendale, said … “Instead of biting, the dog is muzzled and launches itself like a missile at the midriff of the target.” …  full story 

The ‘midriff’ may well be the target, but I would think that the dog would have a good chance of colliding with a far more sensitive part of the male anatomy.

It’s just a thought, but I wonder if the injured villian victim will be less likely to sue, when instead of being bitten on the bum …

………     he is butted in the balls ?   

We all know that George Bush speaks with his mouth full. Remember him greeting our excuse for a prime minister with … “Yo, Blair!” as he was enjoying his lunch. Now it appears that a good many of us confess to having bad table manners.

According to a recent survey people admitted to such things as putting their elbows on the table and putting too much food in their mouths. Well I’m sure that most of us have done that at some time. I will even confess to the odd ‘burp’ after a good meal, excusing myself with the explanation that this is considered to be a compliment in ‘Arab society’. I also consider a knife to be useless when eating such things as pasta and rice dishes, so I adopt the American habit of eating with my fork in my right hand; although I have never gone totally ‘American’ by transferring my fork from my left to my right hand after cutting up my food. (Why do they do that ? Something to do with cowboys or covered wagons I believe.)

What I do find hard to believe is that some of those questioned were honest or stupid enough to confess to … Licking their plate clean … Using their fingers to scoop up last bits of food … Throwing food at someone across the table … and … can you believe ? …  Blowing their noses on their napkins !

One admission I can confirm to be true, although it has little to do with table manners, is that many people … ‘eat straight out of the packaging’… How do I know this ?   …  because …

….  Most of that bloody packaging ends up in my front garden.