I’ve always enjoyed watching the BBC’s ‘Antiques Roadshow’. It’s so ‘British’ with rather posh presenters, even posher experts and it takes place in some very posh surroundings.

Everyone is so polite, and even when some poor ‘punter’ is told by some know-it-all wearing a Panama hat, that his cherished Ming vase was only recently made in Hong Kong and is worth just a few bob, he accepts the valuation without question and probably returns it to his attic to stand alongside the ‘jade’ Buddha he bought, at the same time, from that nice Chinese man he met near the cruise ship terminal.

Of course, sometimes, some old girl brings along a grimey painting in a beat-up frame which turns out to be a masterpiece and worth a fortune, and, occasionally, there is someone who has bought an old jug at a car boot sale or flea market for 50p (75¢) and discovers that it is a priceless artifact from the 14th century. 

Even then the good old British ‘sang-froid’ is much in evidence, as the owners of these treasures do not scream and punch the air, but usually just gasp and express their surprise to the blazer wearing art buff who is green with envy, but dares not show it.

It’s all very genteel and, as you would expect, and no money actually changes hands. Which is a far cry from my latest ‘antiques show’ discovery on ‘The History Channel’ …

It’s .. Wham ! .. Bam! .. and Bring it on ! … Yes, It’s .. ‘PAWN STARS’ ! .. and it’s a bloody long way from ‘an English country garden’ setting, and about as far removed from ‘posh’ and ‘genteel’ as you could possibly get.

I believe that the show has been around for some time, but I have only recently caught up with it. It’s both interesting and entertaining, and I just love it.

The ‘stars’ in question are .. Rick Harrison, Corey ‘Big Hoss’ Harrison, Richard ‘Old Man’ Harrison and ‘Chumlee’, none of whom wear blazers or straw hats, although I’ve a feeling that Chumlee, who’s intelligence, judgment and competence are constanty questioned, could turn up wearing a back-to-front version at any moment.

Just like the ‘Antiques Roadshow’ valuations on objects brought into their shop, often rely on the opinion of experts; but unlike the British programme deals are done on the spot after much haggling .. 

“I was looking to get $5,000” .. says one customer.

“Well, keep looking” .. says the ‘Old Man’.

Some people get really pissed-off and walk away when they are not offered the price they had expected, but most seem to shake Rick by the hand, as we hear the familiar …

…  “Chumlee, write him up” !

So Professor Church of Harvard Medical School believes that he can resurrect the Neanderthal species, which became extinct more than 30,000 years ago, by reconstructing it’s DNA.

Don’t bother Prof, as your research will cost a bloody fortune, and is a waste of time and effort; as you would find out if you visited any football (soccer) stadium or city centre pub on any Saturday, for there, with your own eyes, you would be able to see that our Paleolithic cousins are still around, only now they wear replica team shirts (and sometimes genuine ones) instead of animal skins and keep their hoodies up to hide their prominent brows.

Our present day knuckle draggers can also be found gnawing on ribs, late at night, outside any fast food joint as they try to decide who’s head to kick next, while their ‘macho’ male mates are vomiting in the gutter, or pissing through someone’s letter box before dragging off some brainless bimbo for a quick bonk in the bushes.  

Hang on a minute ! I’ve just read that Professer Church believes that Neanderthals were not the lumbering brutes of the stereotype and that their brains were roughly the same size as ours. In fact, he says ..”Neanderthals might think differently than we do” .. and that .. “They could even be more intelligent than us.”

Oh dear ! They sound more like dear old Fred Flintstone. How unkind of me to compare these sensitive prehistoric hunter gatherers, with their thoughts and feelings, to today’s cave dweller like cretins  ?

My sincere apologies to …

…  ‘Homo neanderthalensis’ !

I have often posted about my shopping trips to my local Sainsbury’s supermarket, and about some of the characters I meet there. Remember the ‘zombies‘, screaming brats etc. and those couples who have never heard of a shopping list and walk the aisles constantly asking … “Do we need any milk ?” .. or .. “Have we any butter in the fridge ?”.

I don’t know if it is because I am a lone male doing the ‘weekly shop’, but I have noticed recently that I find myself being approached by ladies ‘of a certain age’. No, I don’t mean those little old girls who can’t reach a can of beans on the top shelf and politely ask .. “Can you help me young man ?”, but ones who seem to think that I am an expert on herbs and spices, or that I know the best way to cook a leg of lamb. I even get asked about “the right wine” when I am choosing my week’s supply of cheap plonk in the ‘special offer’ section of the booze department.  

Now I don’t dress like one of the store’s staff, so I have to ask myself why is this bald headed, miserable looking, bearded old bugger so often engaged in conversation by often well dressed and some not unattractive female shoppers when he is selecting his ‘BOGOFs’?… Blimey! I’m hardly ‘cougar’ bait, and I’m definitely well passed my ‘sell by date’.

Perhaps these ladies think I look familiar. Maybe they believe that they have seen me on television. I could even be a ‘Hairy Biker’ or some other “prick with a fork” TV chef, or perhaps they just want me to … Well, who knows ?

However, I do know one thing, and that is that they all tend to quickly move on, when I show them my shopping list, and ask them if they can … 

… decypher my wife’s hand writing ?