bigjohn

“Old age ain't no place for sissies.” .. Bette Davis

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  • My Life and Times

    I was born in 1939 BC.
    That’s ‘Before Computers’.

    Luckily I survived the following events in my life, such as

    World War II, The London Blitz, Rationing, and worst of all… Archbishop Temple’s School.

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    During the mid 1950s I was enjoying Rock ‘n’ Roll and being a first generation teenager, when suddenly, just like Elvis, I found myself in uniform during ‘The Cold War’…and then

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    I became ‘a family’. Which meant that I sort of missed the ‘swinging sixties’, but still managed to look a complete prat in the 70s, just like everyone else.

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    During the ‘Thatcher Years’ I lost my hair and a lot of people lost a good deal more. My career fluctuated to say the least as I was demoted, promoted, fired and hired a number of times, but still I managed to stagger on into a welcome retirement and to celebrate 60 years of happy marriage.

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Archive for February, 2013

Bumps and bums,

Posted by Big John on February 23, 2013

I don’t know what I am more excited about .. seeing Kate’s ‘baby bump’ .. or .. the ginger spare’s latest blonde bimbo ? ..and guess what ? .. the dopey duchess is going back to ‘work’ after yet another two months well deserved holiday, and the ‘Terror of the Taliban’ hedonistic Harry is off to South Africa where he is scheduled to spend three days (Yes, a whole three days !) ‘working’ with his charity. Ahh ! I hear you sigh .. “Just like his ‘saintly’ mother”.

During his official visit holiday, Harry will meet up with his two cousins, Beatrice and Eugenie who will then join him at the wedding of Lady Mary-Gaye Georgiana Lorna Curzon’s daughter, the triple-barrelled, Isabella Amaryllis Charlotte Anstruther-Gough-Calthorpe. Now that’s what I call ‘proper posh’. I bet her mama didn’t work as a ‘trolley dolly’ like Kate’s mum.

Beatrice and Eugenie, who recently followed in their pompous father’s footsteps by ‘working’ (there’s that word again) as trade ambassadors for Britain by driving a Union flag-branded ‘mini’ through the Brandenburg Gate and around Berlin. Of course, the two pampered princesses were so ‘knackered’ by this hard graft that they had to dash off for a well earned holiday on the ski slopes of the eye-wateringly expensive resort of Verbier, with Harry’s latest blue-blooded blonde, Cressida Bonas. I wonder if it’s pronounced .. “bone-arse” ?

I gather that upper crust ‘Cress’ spent three years ‘working hard’ at university to obtain a degree in … (can you believe ?) … Dancing ! .. although I’m not sure if her diploma …

… came complete with a pole !

Posted in humour, political, rant | 1 Comment »

“Dodging the column” !

Posted by Big John on February 19, 2013

I’ts been some time since I bored the pants off you with my reminiscences of a time back in the 1950’s when I was  a national service conscript in the Royal Air Force, so just to entice you to keep reading, here is a picture of me (2nd from right) …

g of honour

… being inspected by Air Vice-Marshal A. Foord-Kelcey CBE. AFC. after some idiot officer picked me to be a member of the guard of honour for the visiting ‘brass’. I can’t quite remember how this selection came about as a I spent much of my two years conscription thinking up ways to avoid doing anything in the least bit ‘military’!

Now it should be remembered that altough ‘other ranks’ in the RAF are designated as ‘airmen’, at that time, our first eight weeks of service life were spent training as soldiers and much of that training was carried out by NCO’s of the RAF Regiment who are soldiers, and who were always referred to as the ‘Rock Apes’ !

I’m afraid that I never made much of a ‘soldier’ during my ‘square-bashing’ (boot camp) days, but I just about managed to scrape though my eight weeks by ‘keeping a low profile’, as I had been warned never to volunteer for anything and try to ensure that no NCO instructor got to know your name, for if he did, it would be the first one shouted out when something unpleasant was about to happen.

Only once did I fall foul of a ‘Rock Ape’ sergeant, when on the rifle range on a very cold and wet morning, when I was ordered, by this moron of a weapons instructor, to throw myself onto my rubber groundsheet and commence firing at a distant target with a heavy bolt action rifle which had probably last ‘seen action’ in World War II.

Wallop ! .. I hit the ground, rifle at the ready ! .. but my ‘John Wayne’ moment was completely ruined when the magazine dropped out of my gun and my steel helmet fell off and rolled down the muddy slope and into the open area of ground between the shooters and their targets. I crawled forward to retrieve it, quite forgetting that two dozen novice riflemen where blazing away above my head.

I won’t go on, as I’m sure that you can imagine the ‘bollocking’ I got from that sergeant, before he ordered some corporal to .. “Take this man’s name !”.. which the corporal did, except that the name he scribbled in his notebook …

…  wasn’t mine !    😉

Posted in humour, nostalgia | 5 Comments »

It’s time to say .. Bye, Bye, Benny !

Posted by Big John on February 14, 2013

Shock ! .. Horror ! .. the whole world is shaken ! .. Well it is if you believe some of those ridiculous news reports in the media this week.

What’s happened ? … An 85 year old man has decided that it’s time to ‘put his feet up’, although in this case those feet will be clad in some snazzy red slippers, and he will be moving to a refurbished nunnery where he will be shacked-up cared for by some nuns from a ‘closed order’. I bet that some old sisters, who knew him in his younger days, are looking forward to seeing him and waggling their wimples at him once again !

The official story is that the old Vicar of Christ has a dodgy ticker and is well passed his ‘sell by date’, but my clerical contacts inside the Vatican tell me that my ‘Papal’ posts .. “Oops!” … Abbot Dionysius Exiguus” … “Vatican secrets revealed !” .. and .. “Pyro-Pontiffs” .. may have helped to expose this homophobic, misogynistic, passé Pontiff as a pervert priest protector, Mafia money launderer, Hitler’s ‘love child’, a ‘convent creeper’ and …

…  close friend of Jimmy Savile !

Posted in humour, rant, religion | 2 Comments »

Could there really be a ‘Pink Panther’ ?

Posted by Big John on February 10, 2013

Now as far as I am concerned, I couldn’t care less if someone is gay, straight, bi-sexual and all the rest, as long as they do no harm to others and don’t “frighten the horses”.

Now, speaking of horses, I see that a Dr Brett Mills has accused David Attenborough, the veteran broadcaster, of suggesting that all animals are heterosexual, despite evidence that they engage in a variety of sexual activity. In a paper published in the ‘European Journal of Cultural Studies’, he highlights aspects of animal behaviour such as homosexuality which are often ignored or explained away.

To say that animals .. “engage in a variety of sexual activity” .. is putting it mildly, as anyone will know who has visited a zoo or farm at any time. I won’t go into great detail, but we all know that primates are not shy when it comes to playing with their ‘privates’, and many mammals try to mount anything that moves; and as for those randy rabbits ! .. Well need I say more ?

However, I can’t claim to have ever seen an openly gay gorilla, an effeminate elephant, a lesbian leopard, a transvestite tiger, or a butch budgie come to that, so I have my doubts about the University of East Anglia’s publicity seeking head of media studies findings. Although I do have to wonder about those perplexed Pandas, and I did once have a confused cat, who did have a good excuse for his antics, as he was never the same  …

… after a visit to the vet !

Posted in humour | 2 Comments »

I had a hunch that it was him.

Posted by Big John on February 5, 2013

Poor old Richard III. Bill Shakespeare did give him a bad press with all that … “Now is the winter of our discontent” stuff … and now the poor bugger’s remains have been dug up in a car park in Leicester. Some reports say that he had a parking ticket slapped on him, as he may have lost his ‘blue badge’ disabled driver’s permit (along with part of his skull) in a field at Bosworth.

According to the ‘bard’, old Dick Plantagenet was a malevolent, deformed, villainous schemer. So, in fact, he had most of the ‘qualities’ (Well, perhaps not ‘deformed’) of those who have governed our country until this day.

Thomas More describes Richard as .. “little of stature, ill-featured of limbs, crook-backed and hard-favoured of visage.”.. and not satisfied with that Shakespeare added a hunch, a limp and a withered arm ! (I told you that he had a ‘blue badge’): and as if that wasn’t bad enough, when his skeleton was unearthed they couldn’t find his feet.

It has been reported that the bones found show evidence of some ten wounds being inflicted on the body including a wound in the buttocks, so I have to ask, could those words shouted at Bosworth Field have been misheard amongst the noise of battle, and then been misreported ? .. not being .. “A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse !” .. but, instead .. “My arse, my arse, I’ve been …

… stabbed in the arse !”

Posted in humour | 6 Comments »

Here we go again. – Part Six.

Posted by Big John on February 1, 2013

I see that our Dave is once again meddling in matters that do not concern this country; for when did we ever have any ‘interests’ in Mali. I’m pretty certain that, if they have ever heard of it, most people think that Timbuktu is a made up name meaning the middle of nowhere !

As usual, he lied from day one, when he said that our only involvement would be the loan of a couple of transport plans to the French armed forces. Now he has added a spy plane and promised that 350 or so British troops will be sent to the region despite his ‘promise’ of .. “no boots on the ground” !

Now ‘Dave of the Desert’ is rushing about all over North Africa and beyond “As-salam alaykum”-ing to some very dodgy politicians, left over from the “be careful what you wish for” ‘Arab Spring’, and promising .. “The British people want to stand with you” ! .. I wonder which of us told him that ?

He hasn’t gone as far as shouting “Allah hu akbar” yet, but he will if it means oil, gas and maybe a few votes from our own homegrown ‘Muslim Brotherhoods’.

History has often shown us that politicians, when facing problems at home, look for enemies abroad as a means of diverting attention, and so, Dave is rushing us into another overseas conflict, no doubt without any thought of an ‘exit strategy’, and the talk is all of “mission creep”: but what we should all be more concerned about is …

… the ‘creep’ who is in charge !

Posted in humour, political, rant | 2 Comments »

 
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