Speaking Out

I am different. Who I am today is a result of who I was, the choices I've made, and the choices of others. Life experiences. They can either bring you closer to God, put you in idle mode, or shove you in the other direction.. which is far from God. I've been to all 3. Right now I feel like I am currently in idle mode with a deep desire to move forward closer to my Father in heaven. I am a survivor of rape and sexual abuse. From the time I was an infant until I was a young adult. About 19 or 20 years old, that was my last encounter. Some may ask how is that possible? I don't know, but I know it is because I have experienced it. I have lived it. I have endured it. I've had different sexual abuse experiences from a variety of different people. Some of the reasons I believe I was targeted were curiosity of some, others were pedophiles, others saw me as an easy target because I didn't understand that sexual activity at a young age was wrong .. I trusted easily, one of them was under the influence of drugs, I had boyfriends who were involved in heavy pornography who treated me as an item for self pleasure. I learned sexual behaviors at an extremely young age, and because I was so young I thought that behavior was normal. Normal! I do not hate the people who have hurt me. I forgive them and some of them I love dearly. And to this day I put there names in the Temple that they may receive the blessings of God and change their lives for the better. They too are children of God just as I am. Being a survivor of sexual abuse has affected my life. I've had years of counseling. it helped. I was told I was hypersexualized at a young age by a counselor a few years back. to this day what has happened to me still affects my life. My family life. My social life. Often times I feel alone and embarrassed because of how different I am from others or because of my behaviors/personality. I had an experience the other day where I posted something inappropriate and sacred on Facebook, however I did not see it that way, I thought it was funny. Someone close to me, who I admire greatly for speaking up for what is right, got my attention. At first I was so confused and embarrassed and hurt because I didn't see what was wrong with my post. She simply stated intimacy is sacred its personal and its inappropriate to share on Facebook. I had a hard time grasping this until I prayed and asked for help. God answered my prayer and I was able to communicate more with this friend of mine. She helped me see something so simple yet difficult for me to understand. How grateful I am for that experience for opening my eyes once again. Its amazing and sad how sexual abuse can affect you. For me, when I think of intimacy between husband and wife, I have a difficult time seeing it as sacred because of the damage I encountered and the extreme confusion that took a hold of me. I know it is sacred. But its hard for me to see that too. My husband treats me with such respect and love and patience. He is gentle understanding non-judgmental and so forgiving. How grateful I am to be blessed with such a dear friend, my husband. I hope that this post helps those who also battle the life of being a survivor of sexual abuse may receive answers or comfort. Or for those who are acquainted with sexual abuse victims that you may have a better understanding of that person.

If I could do it again

I would definitely marry the same fella and most definitely would have the exact same three beautiful children I have. But if there was one thing I could change? I would've waiting to have children. 3-5 years I would have held off to have my 3 precious children. But I can't go back and change it and that's alright. But man if I could I most definitely would. I feel like the church pushes you into having children. you must not hold off! You must have kids now to bring gods plan to pass! No I'm sorry but that's wrong very wrong. if you hold off for selfish reasons that's one thing but being rushed into marriage and babies its not right and its not smart. I love my family.I love my husband. i love my children eternally and unconditionally. 

1 week old Riley

Riley's birth story

Riley was in a breech position so my dr scheduled a c section for the 12th of October at noon. Since I was 39 weeks along and not much amniotic fluid my dr said there is a slim chance he could still move head down but not likely. i had been doing exercises since i was 34 weeks that were to help move baby head down but riley was happy where he was. We joked around saying riley likes to sit and spin in circles on his bum :) We did an ultra sound the day of the c section to confirm he was still breech and found that he had turned transverse meaning he was laying on his side with his back on top of my cervix. I went in to be prepped for the c section about 1:00 i started shaking because i was scared and the nurse did what she could to calm me down. i cried while being prepped (cory had not joined me yet in the room) so i was alone. i cried again when they had put the sheet up blocking my view. it was a hard experience. at 1:35 Riley was born. He did great and I got to see him for a short moment before they took him to the nursery. The c section for me is something I hope to never experience again. I had a spinal block so I wouldn't feel the cutting. When it came to the time of my dr delivering Riley out I could feel intense pulling and tugging which hurt badly. I could hear riley cry when he was born but was not able to see him right away or touch him as you can with a vaginal birth. it was hard. they gave me morphine but I didn't respond to it. I could feel pressure on my chest and learned that my dr had put my uterus on top of me and was sewing it shut. When I was sewn shut t I was taken to a recovery room to help manage my pain and I still wasn't responding to the pain meds they kept giving me morphine and others hoping to relieve the pain and finally were able to get it down to a level 5 pain scale 1-10. All the drugs had made me sick to the point of vomiting and Cory and my father in law Wendell gave me a blessing. When Riley was born his glucose was at a 29 which is bad so they had him on an IV I nursed him regularly and his glucose levels began to rise :) and before we left the hospital his number was at 85 which is great! Things have been going well at home and we have gotten some great support from family friends and the ward. My mom stayed with to help out for the week which I'm truly grateful for all the time and service she has put into me and my family. My mother in law and sister in law came down for the day to visit and help out which im also truly grateful for. I am feeling much better and love having a boy! Nursing is going great and this is my first time doing it! were all happy to have little Riley with us I love my little man so much he truly has a hold on my heart that can't be explained.
Love to all
Stacey

To Experience Fraud

It never feels good when you are taken advantage of. Its embarrassing and hurtful. My husband and I just experienced fraud this past week. We lost a couple thousand dollars thinking that we were going to be getting a van. The blessings though that our Heavenly Father has given us during this hard trial are truly wonderful and we are so thankful for a loving Father in Heaven who does understand our situation and circumstances. BLESSINGS WE HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH: 1. WIC we got accepted and are now getting help with some basic groceries such as milk beans fresh veggies and fruits. This helps us tremendously when it comes to finances. 2. Cory passed his CLS Certification Test meaning that he will be gaining a $1.00 raise at work within a few weeks. That also helps with finances! 3. The money lost was a loan we received from my father, another blessing because he is very understanding of our situation and is willing to work with us with whatever we can afford when it comes to making payments so that he to may get his money back. 4. Another blessing.. the man who did fraud against us was trying to get another couple thousand from us but did not thankfully. 5. This is probably the biggest blessing of them all and for some it may be hard to understand but for the past 2 days I have felt inspired to share the Gospel with this man. So today I did just that! I shared mormon.org and lds.org with him. I told him we forgive him, and that he has been in our prayers that he may have a change of heart and come unto Christ. There is a scripture somewhere in the Book Of Mormon that talks about praying for your enemies and praying for those that do bad things to you. And I have been doing just that. I was in shock at first of course and angry. I grieved some too. But the thing that kept coming to my mind was that this is a good opportunity to share the gospel with someone. Bad things do happen to good people.. but honestly I am grateful that I have had this experience in my life. I have learned much from this and am thankful to my Father in Heaven who truly is mindful of me.