twenty twenty-five

That one was a great year. The best yet, I really do believe. Each year, my creative output and musical pursuits become only more and more grand... and that is a trend that I absolutely intend to continue with.

First I released inevitable, inescapable after 8 months of work and preparation with a small label that found me. That album was received wonderfully! That release was really a milestone for me; I would mark that album as the moment in my discography when my production skill finally caught up to my skill in artistic expression. And with "can it please be over?" I began to really drive that home. Then after buying and building a computer for myself, I announced a complete metamorphosis taking place over the next 5 years, and entered the cocoon.

That was 2025.

explain yourself

It was more of a quality > quantity kind of year. Thanks to all who stuck it out with me. I am admittedly a bit disappointed with the lack of content I gave you, but content is no longer the goal; it is only art. I don't believe I'm going to be around for very long. It is paramount that I create art that will be around forever. I've got so much to give, but I have to cultivate this gift or I'll never realize my potential.

So, for the next 5 years, I intend to cultivate my spark and grow, instead of focusing merely on creating quickly. I've taken all the pressure off myself to "create content," I hope you understand.

where are you going

I'm doing everything in my power to ensure that my path for the future is decided on my own terms. My terms?

If I am not chasing music, I am not truly alive. I completely plan to devote my life to this craft, from producing to performing. I want to give people the kind of music you experience religiously. I want to film music videos in Norway and abandoned buildings. I want people to cry their hearts out with me and sing my songs right back to me at concerts. I want music and it's non-negotiable.

Unfortunately, the people who currently hold the most control over my life have different beliefs on what a successful person looks like. When they look at me, they only see intelligence; I could make so much money if I wasted my brain away behind a desk. They are trying to force me into a future that will kill me.

I tell people I have to pursue music for the rest of my life, and they just smile at me like I'm a child. Haven't I thought about the money? Do we, as a society, think about anything else? It sickens me that I can find a concrete purpose and beauty in life only to be looked at like a child.

Being an artist is courageous, daring even. I simply cannot condemn myself to a future behind a desk; I'm not a coward, I can chase my passion in the midst of a little discomfort. This is the most mature decision I've ever made.

you seem tired

I am.

For the last year, it's been nonstop work to keep my head above water in school. I'm going for valedictorian because I really need scholarships for college; it's well within my reach, but I am absolutely exhausted, day in, day out. Then I have my work schedule on top of that, preventing me from getting much rest. Then I have my Type 1 diabetes management always in the background, with the full knowledge that each slip-up brings demise that much closer.

I am extremely busy. It feels like death is right behind me even though my future is right in front of me. That's just all the more reason why I need to create art, but I just don't have the time. Honestly I'm just drifting from one breakdown to the next at this point. One day though, I'll look out at my life and it will finally be what I want. I just don't know when that day is.

why can't you just be happy

I don't know, I keep trying.

But every time I feel myself collect the smallest bit of confidence, I just get kicked to the ground again. I think I'd be happy if I didn't have to be alone anymore, but changing that has proven impossible so far. That's been the most exhausting thing of all; I don't have anyone to do this for. I always find the diamonds in the rough; then I project my love for them onto their every interaction with me, and fool myself into believing that this time will be different. I would give her the world. But I'm a social klutz, so I always manage to screw it up and just make everyone uncomfortable. Rinse and repeat.

How do I escape the reality that I've never been good enough for anyone? Not one date, not one compliment thrown my way in 17 years of living. I've been waiting forever to love someone and be loved. Meanwhile, everyone around me has found love that is shallow and plastic. There has to be something more... it's just not a part of life that I will get to experience. Honestly I struggle to cope with that.

The problem with having a big heart is that it's so much heavier when I have to carry it by myself. And my heart is worth less than nothing to almost everyone around me. I just hope that I'll be able to become a person worthy of love at some point, if I give enough of it to the world... but it's exhausting, and most of the time depressing as well.

sounds like you had an awesome valentine's day then

Oh, you better believe it. Didn't get one text the entire day. Nice to know people are thinking of me!

are you done venting to strangers on the internet

Yeah sorry, just trying to stay authentic for everyone! You guys deserve to know the artist behind the art, and my whereabouts!

new music when

I don't exactly know when I'll finish it, but rest assured, this is easily my best song to date. I have put an unbelievable amount of care into every aspect of this song, and I am absolutely psyched for the day I can finally give it to you!

any new music recs?

YOU BET. Recently I've discovered two albums/artists that have absolutely captivated me, with how raw they are emotionally and how intricate they are atmospherically. However, they bring completely different vibes.

For those who prefer softer, indie folk styles, I have to recommend this album: I Heard That Noise - quickly, quickly

For fans of experimental hip-hop and emo rap, you MUST listen to AND THEY MINE FOR OUR BODIES by Gao the Arsonist!

stay tuned

stay tuned