To Look For America

Well I have finally arrived. I am back in the USA, officially a Returned Peace Corps Volunteer. I had been dreading and worrying about this time in my life for months now: Will I be able to get a job in this crappy economy? Will I get stuck again doing things that I hate, or just have no money at all? Will I be able to live anywhere other than with my mom or grandma? How will I feel when I have to leave my friends and boyfriend in Panama? Will it be weird to be back? Will anyone even care that I am back or even left? Will people get sick of hearing, "When I was in Panama..."?

But I believe the hardest part is now over. I have said my goodbyes (myriad and drawn out they were). I made all the necessary preparations and turned in the necessary paperwork. I have made all the long travels, all while running on fumes. True, getting a job will not be easy, and unless I am extremely fortunate most likely I will have to settle for something that I don't like at first. But I will start thinking about all that on Monday...

After I had turned in the little scavenger hunt of signatures that they made us find, after I had been medically cleared and met with everyone I needed to talk to, I went back to Ruperta's for one last night with the family in Santa Clara and carefully repacking my bags to make the best use of my limited luggage space. I was so tired, but I had to wake up at 3:15 that morning to make it on time for my flight. I caught the first bus to the city and arrived in good time at the terminal, where I saw Ofelina, the ex director of the high school in Chichica! So she was the last familiar Panamanian face I ran into. Then I took a taxi to the airport. I then got jerked around by the guys at the Delta counter, because I had an exemption letter for the airport tax but they wanted me to get it stamped before I checked in, but wouldn't clearly explain where I needed to do that, all while lugging around the nearly 100 pounds of luggage I was carrying. I got really frustrated at that point, asking people where I should go and nobody had a clue what I was talking about. Then Diedre and Dylan came, a couple other volunteers who were on my same flight home, and that made me feel a little better. I decided to wait in line again to see if I could get a different person, and he was not so mean ask to make me haul my luggage all over the airport and told me precisely where to go to get the stamp, and that he would take it after he had checked me in. However, the guys that checked in the other two didn't even ask for a stamp! Oh well. One last brush with Panamanian customer service.

The flights were pretty uneventful, except that during my flight to Atlanta I was seated next to a Panamanian lady named Carmen who was about 60 years old. She was one of those older ladies who are dependant upon their children to do everything for them, and since her daughter was not sitting next to her I had to take on that role for the duration of the flight! I told her how to unbuckle her seatbelt, plug in the headphones, work the touch screen on the seat, etc. She nearly talked my ear off but at least it was something to do for four hours. She told me her life history and all about her daughter's love life (who happened to be on the other side of the row, I wonder what she would think about all that!), and a little sermon about having faith in Jesus. She had my write my name in her Bible that she was carrying so she could pray for me, because I told her that I had left Mile in Panama and she was flabberghasted that he didn't want to come with me. So she was going to pray for me that either he would see the light and ask for me back, or that I would be able to erase him from my heart and wait for what was really meant to be. It was really kind of touching.

Anyway, I said goodbye to the other volunteers in Atlanta and continued on to my SLC flight. This one was truly routine, up until the point that I reached the escalators to the baggage claim, where my family was waiting for me! It was nice to see them again. Amy wasn't there because she had to work, but Mom, Dad, and Jeff were there with lots of hugs and smiles! We had Jeff carry my big backpack and he whined because it was so heavy (it had a heavy tag on it, I think it weighed nearly 60 lbs) but I didn't really feel sorry for him. I was still tired, but felt better just for having made it back to Utah since the worst part of the journey was over.

I had intended on resting the next day, but I felt like there was so much to be done and I felt antsy so I just kept going. I cleaned Mom's house a little, cleaned out the bedroom at grandma's that I was going to live in, planted Mom's flowers... and then I crashed. I had been developing a bladder infection while in Panama City because I was overspent and not drinking enough water, and while it didn't show up early enough to make me have to stay in the country until I got better, it definitely started over there. And I just kept pushing and pushing, and finally on Sunday the infection moved up into my kidneys while I was at my cousin's baby blessing. But they had some really tasty food! It really started to hurt that afternoon at my dad's house for the 4th of July barbecue (which by the way was excellent, delicious burgers, salads, and banana splits!) After eating we went to shoot off some fireworks at Dad's place of work. The first one he lit tipped over after the first round went off, and started shooting all over the place including toward us, the defenseless spectators! Dad shouted at us to get behind the car, and we kind of just stood there for a second before reacting. I jumped down from Jeff's truck bed even though I was really reluctant because my kidneys hurt, and Amy couldn't get down at all so Jeff stood in front of her until the firework was spent. What a good big brother! Everything after that seemed a little anticlimactic.

Well that night I tossed in Mom's bed for hours upon hours, unable to find any position in which I was not hurting, but I felt much better in the morning for the actual 4th of July. I didn't do anything much though, just hung around the house trying to rest. We went and saw the fireworks that Nephi City puts on each year, and that was all that was 4thy that we did. The next day I felt sicker again, so I decided to go to the doctor and get some antibiotics. I tried calling to get the necessary forms so that Peace Corps would pay for it, but to no avail. Will have to try next week to get that after the fact. Anyway, I went and they confirmed that I did indeed have a urinary tract infection. I had to wait at the pharmacy just as long as I was at the hospital to get my prescription filled though, sitting there rather miserably. That night sucked too, worse than the other one. After suffering all morning hardly able to move, I decided to take an asprin. And what a difference!! I felt so much better after getting rid of all that extra inflamation. Still infected, but on the road to recovery!

And so today, I moved into Grandma's because up until now I haven't felt good enough to even take my stuff over. So here I am, emphatically denying the shoulder angel that tells me that I should be looking for work, and listening to the shoulder devil that says there isn't anything out there anyway so why be in a hurry? I think I should enjoy a week or two of just relaxing and recovering because I have been overtaxing myself for a long time now, and it has been a stressful couple months both mentally and physically. And this is the sickest I have been within these last two years, of course! I had to wait until I got home to get sick.

Being back has not been weird at all. Everyone always talks about how hard "readjustment" is. In fact, for me it feels almost as if I had never left, if it weren't for all the memories and Panama souvenirs I have. Maybe I am as good at readjustment as I am at adjustment. I hope that I am not right back to where I started from, stuck in a job I hate or just plain unemployed and broke and living with my parents. But I think the best must be yet to come. Maybe I'll get lucky.

These last two years have been probably the best of my life, and I never regretted for a minute my decision to do Peace Corps. It has been an amazing journey in which I learned more about other people and also about myself. I have never been in better shape physically (until the kidney infection of course) due to walking everywhere I go and eating healthy, natural foods. I lived in a beautiful area with a big hill as my backyard, and instead of listening to trucks and sirens all night I had birds and insects and rain to lull me to sleep. I became fluent in Spanish, and learned a whole bunch about English that I would have never even realized without seeing the language from the perspective of an English learner. I developed my own projects and worked with community members in their projects, and hopefully made a small but lasting impact in their lives, as they have made in mine. I even fell in love, and even if Mile and I aren't together I know we will always be very good friends. I learned what I can live without. Yes, while convenient, electricity and running water are overrated. I lived just fine without a TV or a flush toilet for two years, just as they had done for thousands of years before me. What is truly important is not the things we are surrounded by so much as what we experience in life, and although I could have earned tens of thousands of dollars by working here for these 27 months, I would not trade my experiences for any of it. It has made me a more well-formed person, and I hope to be able to continue having similar experiences in the future.

Well, with this I believe I shall close this blog. Thanks to my friends and family who have been supportive of me during this time, it's great to be back with you! Until the next adventure...

Ja Tuaita Panama

Imagine these photos in reverse order, I forgot to put them in the right order...



leaving in the rain



They said that the wheelbarrows were a good idea... I beg to differ!



The luggage caravan of neighbor kids!



Hiking up the hill for the last time




Me and Encarnaciona



chillin in the wheelbarrows





























Farewell party with the tourism group



Showing off my bling

Imagine these photos in reverse order, I forgot to put them in the right order...

Well I have officially left my site. After three farewell parties, visits around the community, and saying goodbye to my host families, not to mention another goodbye with Mile, I am feeling a little emotionally drained. I finished my last job as a Peace Corps Volunteer in my community with the Earth Day activity. The kids drew lots of pictures for the drawing contest, and we had a little geography competition. I had wanted more involvement from the teachers, but they were all having a party by themselves after letting out school early. Typical. So there was tons of disorder but I guess it went ok. I think that the kids that participated had fun.

After the party with the tourism group, some of the professors at the high school gave me another little party where we all shared some memories of living in Chichica, gave me some gifts, and of course the obligatory food. I also said goodbye to some of my other friends at the high school, and that last day I just started crying while I was there and I am sure that everyone thought I was crazy! I tried to go around and say goodbye to everyone as much as possible, but I missed a lot of people. I still feel bad that there were so many houses that I hadn't even visited, but I just reached a certain point where I figured that Chichica is so big and I can't work with everyone nor does everyone want to work with me, so why try to socialize with everyone? I said goodbye to my closest aquaintances and friends at least.

I also invited everyone I spoke with for the last month to my official farewell party at my house, but attendance was not that high (not that I am surprised, why should the trend change?) That's ok, the ones that came got to take a lot of my stuff. I had been preparing to leave and was suffering from a lot of mixed emotions. I didn't think that it would be as hard as it was, since I feel like I have contributed as much as the community would take from me and I was ready to move on, but at the same time I have had a great two years here and have made a lot of friends. It also didn't help that I was kind of hormonal, things that normally wouldn't bother me very much seem to be so much worse during certain times of the month! So I gathered up all my belongings, gifted a lot of it and sold some of it. I was really overwhelmed the night before I left, really emotional and trying to pack and organize all my stuff, and I invited my neighbors to each choose a couple of things for presents. Everyone had been waiting 2 years for that moment, and the kids especially just swarmed like piranas until I had to chase them out of the house. At that time one of the bracelets I had recieved from the tourism group went missing, so I asked everyone to return it to me if they saw it. So all that just added anger to my emotional stew and I didn't pass a very good last night.

The day of the farewell party was better, but very busy. I woke up early to make all the last minute preparations, and then the guests came. We played games and I gave prizes of my stuff. Encarnaciona, Tia Lipa, and Ana had cooked arroz con pollo and everyone ate, and I had also made rice pudding to give to the ones who arrived first since I like to reward punctuality. I didn't feel much like eating, but Encarnaciona made sure that I drank chicha de nance so I wouldn't get too tired. Taking care of me to the end! Also, Marietta came with a great gift, a pollera (a dress for dancing tipico) so I put that on and it was beautiful! Jess also came dressed in her campesina grandma dress, so we made a great pair! She was the event photographer because my camera was broken. After food, I said a few words thanking the community for working with me and taking care of me and teaching me for two years, and then they thanked me for my work, friendship, and sacrifice. Needless to say I started crying again. Then I had my yardsale, where I sold my furniture and stove by having a drawing (since lots of people had expressed interest in buying them) and also selling lots of the best stuff. At the end I ended up giving away most of the clothes because nobody wanted to buy them, not even for five cents a piece (probably because I am so tall) but when I said that they were free people just pounced.

It is also really hard to leave Mile, I love him a lot. I got one more chance to say goodbye to him in Santiago after I left Chichica, and this time went better than the last. Last time I think he was really upset and didn't even know what to say, but this time he talked to me more and it was a lot better way to part ways. He says that he wants to visit me sometime within the next year and we want to do a California road trip. I would love to have a visitor, and with Mile it would be especially fun! I hope it will happen.

And this week I have been in Panama City doing all sorts of fun stuff like interviews, language interviews, physicals, blood tests, injections, ear cleanings, dental cleanings, and while vacilating between the freezer that is the office to the inferno that is Panama City. It's not all bad, I have eaten some pretty good food and have been staying with Ruperta for one last time. It's been a pain due to traveling in all the traffic every day, but at least it's saving me a lot of money in hotels. I am really tired and keep having to get up really early to travel but it will all be over soon.

Well I think I will post next time in the states!!! It will make the blog 100 long- a perfectly even number of posts! I like the symmetry.

Working to the End!

Trip to Tinta, playing in the river


















Buenos Dias flower


One last shot of my house (and its laundry)


Victoria and Tania


Profe Elsa and her daughter Victoria


Carlos and I


Carlos helping me paint the map


The new gate at the school. Looks like a prison with all that razor wire!






Santos


Mi perrita panchita


my failed attempt at making clay pottery... how sad


the flower-soon-to-be-pineapple growing in my back yard

(*NOTE* Yay my photos were saved! Here are the pictures from this week.)

Hello. I regret to inform all you people who keep demanding photos that my camera is not functioning at the moment. It got a virus that has appeared to erase all my photos from the last year, as well as not be able to take new ones. Or, just hide the files from me. Either way, I am screwed. Kind of a crappy time to not have a camera seeing as I am saying goodbye to a lot of people. I will have to have Jessica take a lot of pictures for me at my farewell party.

I have been trying to wrap up all my pending projects these last few weeks, including the world map which I am going to have a conjoining Earth Day activity in the elementary school. I told the kids to draw pictures to the theme "How I take care of my Earth" and they have already handed in a lot. I am just about done with the map, just a few more finishing touches and touch ups.

The tourism group gave me a farewell party last Thursday. They thanked me for being here to help them and being their friend, and after we shared some memories they gave me some presents of beaded jewelry and an apron. Then we had a dinner of chicken, yuca, iraca, lentils, with dessert of pineapple upside down cake and jello. I also bought more stuff from them to take back with me. My backpack will be stuffed full of souvenirs!

Last week I went to a waterfall called Tinta that is not very far from my house (about 20 minutes walking down, maybe a half hour walking back up because it is all uphill from there!) I had been going to visit there for a long time but plans always fell through. But one day Lito said that we should have another scout activity and that we should go there, so I said that was a great idea! So me and the neighbor kids went down to play in the water and see the falls. I took pictures but I don´t know if I still have them unfortunately. It is a pretty area, especially the big falls at the top.

I also made a trip to Potrero de Caña, which is the community where Clemente lives, the guy who was working with the tourism group in Chichica. He had been wanting us to visit for a long time as well. So we saw Beto´s farm in Alto Cabellero, which was really nice and was incorporating sustainable agriculture techniques. Then we walked on over to Potrero de Caña to see Clemente´s farm. It was a nice community, but on the border of the comarca and parts of the town were in the comarca and parts were out of it. I can see how that could create a lot of problems. Anyway, it began to rain before we got to his house, which really sucked because none of us had an umbrella (what were we thinking, this is Panama!) so we ducked under someone´s roof for a while to see if it would stop. It didn´t, so Clemente took someone´s umbrella that they had left under the roof and found a plastic tablecloth, so we went that way, me, Ruben, and Venera under the plastic and Luis and Clemente under the umbrella. We were all kind of annoyed and wet and cold and it was slippery and there was lots of lightning, so when we got to Clemente´s house we weren´t very happy even though they had food waiting for us. Note to self, if Clemente says that something is only 20 minutes away, automatically triple that. Also something in that meal did not agree with me, I had to visit the latrine a lot the next day. It consisted of no less than 5 starches: rice, spaghetti, patacones, yuca, and pesada de nance (which is like a porridge made from a local fruit and flour), and carrot chicha. But I felt bad that we weren´t able to see Clemente´s farm, he was so excited to show it to us.

The next day I had a dinner party for the English teachers that work in Chichica. There are 8 in all, and five of them came. I made them breakfast for dinner, french toast, hash browns, scrambled eggs, and "sausage" (hot dogs, they don´t have sausage in Chichica). We played some games and I gave them all my English teaching resources that I had. They are going to give me a farewell party this Thursday at the high school.

I also wrapped up my series of life skills classes at the high school. The last class was on HIV AIDS and I made a chocolate cake (secret ingredient: cranberry sauce, finally found a way to use it). After I was talking to Carlos, a teacher friend at the high school, about life and love and whatnot (his wife recently left him, and I am recently made an ex myself).

Today I am here with Santos, a high school senior who I sent to the youth conference in February. I brought him down so he can establish his e-mail address and join the facebook group so he can be eligible next year to be a junior counseler at the conference. He is a great kid, very smart and has a lot of potential to be a good leader in his community. He has done a community analyis of Cerro Plata for his potable water project, and I am confident that he can get it done if he maintains his enthusiasm. So we are here together, we got him signed up with gmail and facebook and I taught him how they work.

And well, other than talking with people and inviting people to my farewell party this saturday, trying to finish that map in spare moments, that is what I have been up to. I think that I will be able to work out all my crazy emotions before I leave, and arrive in Utah with a completely clean slate. It will be nice to see everyone again and continue to the next stage of my life, but Panama will always be a part of me from now on. This will be my last post while living in Chichica! Hasta luego.