paperghost: (Default)
This post is a day late because I spent the 15th hung over! I'm off work today but I work the rest of this week AND 38 hours next week, so let's get this post over with while it's still morning...

My brain is all over the place so I need to just compile notes. I'm trying to be in order of events, but this is also going on a tangent.
  • FAMOUSLY, Harmonycon 2026 is probably going to go down as the convention Chris Chan was kicked out of. This info was completely sprung on me, I was standing in line for over an hour to get Tabitha St. Germain's autograph. Someone next to us showed us footage of him getting escorted out of the building... And another video circulated of the con owner trying to take the phones of people recording the incident, holy shit.
  • I got mixed signals from this con in general. One of the first things I saw was a small Anonfilly plush suspended by balloons. It's very difficult to separate G4 from it's 4chan roots but this con was a smidge chuddier than I expected at certain moments. On Saturday there was an anon meetup. Literally. A bunch of men were wearing green masks and congregated in the lobby outside the game room, and they were chanting shit like "MARES! MARES! MARES!" and "BRING BACK CHRISTINE!" after the incident on Friday. Very surreal to see. There's photos, including one I took, but I wish I recorded the latter chant.
  • I also suspect that uh, one of these anons drew the SS runes in the communal sketchbook. I ripped it out before I left.... for fuck's sake......
  • I grabbed a lot of stickers and business cards as usual. I um, found a very cursed button from Mare Fair that I feel like I'll be put on a watchlist for having. And a highlight on Friday was a card for therapy and marriage counselling for bronies. Very cool!
  • Mare Fair came up often... I'm honestly not sure what to think about it, because the shit I've seen online differs from the anecdotal things I've been told. But there was a small pocket of /mlp/ users here among the 1600+ attendees. I'm morbidly curious about it despite the rancid things I've read, but I can't leave DFW anytime soon even for a weekend. On top of the extremely cursed button I found, I have an Anonfilly magnet on the fridge now and... Some Mare Fair 2025 bottled scent from Snowpity? It actually smells decent...
  • My autograph from Tabitha St. Germain was worth it, but I can't take a photo because she used a silver sharpie for it :( So a scan will come one day. I literally missed 2 panels waiting in line for it!
  • The Hyatt is, as usual, very hideously expensive for vending. I use my credit card for food but most of the money I spent was using my credit card. My lunch and dinner on Friday were decent, as were the martinis I got at the bar, but holy shit. I got very tired before 9PM on Friday and couldn't make it to the 18+ panels that night, so I drank more caffeine the next day. The cost for sodas and energy drinks are complete robbery. $6.50 for a fucking Celsius when $6 can get you 3 cans. The only decently priced deal was my dinner on Saturday, which was $15 for a grilled chicken sandwich, small bag of chips that's normally $4, a soda, and a free tumbler with Dallas on it. The prices made me so mad that I grabbed another Celsius for my soda...
  • One of the first panels I went to was about making friends at conventions... I am still struggling with this. So many interactions kind of end when we leave, and these spaces have up to a thousand or several hundred people at the minimum!!! On the other hand, I haven't been to a multi-day con since August, so I forgot that people aren't going to post on social media until after they go home and the con ends. I'm slowly scouting people on social media, but unlocking my Twitter makes me want to kill myself... :( :(
  • Running a panel must be fun if you're extremely autistic. On Friday I was at 80% of a panel that was basically "G5 Is Good, Actually" and you know what? I might try to give it a second chance... I knew it was unfinished, but not that executive meddling is why it's so awkward to watch :( The movie is insane, I didn't like the Netflix show, I could see the Youtube show and comics...
  • Saw a preview of episode 2 of the Fallout Equestria animated adaption. I was very tired so I don't have much to say about it.
  • Kind of fucked up but I saw a dead body on the way home on Friday night... There was traffic on the highway which is weird because going home is usually pretty fast, but people were rubbernecking an accident. It was so bad there were 2 ambulances and then I saw a body being covered by a blanket. And I told the Uber driver this is so fucking disrespectful to rubberneck someone dying. It made me hyperaware of my mortality for a moment and really sad
  • It was raining so hard on Valentine's day. I flipped my shit for not going in earlier, but it was fine when I came in around 12-1PM. One of the first things I did was grab an espresso cocktail and barely got drunk off it. The bar was playing "I Turn My Camera On" by Spoon which was sadly fitting... Unintentionally framed the rest of the day.
  • I forgot to mention I had stickers printed of my art and a carrd as a test run. People seem to like it, but I don't know how many followed the link. I have less than 20 stickers left, I have 100 of a different design on the way though...
  • I am not familiar with ANY of the musicians, so I couldn't go to the concerts that were the same time as other panels. I did attend Koa's music panel and it was actually really cool, I already knew about how music parodies or samples other songs but I heard a preview of the upcoming album and it's SOOOOO GOOD.
  • I missed the Transformers panel :(
  • Um... The big thing is I attended my first room party! I skipped the ones I saw advertised at TFF/TFS because I thought they were just fucking, but when I was charging my phone an older dude said it was just drinking and talking...
  • I never heard of Neighcon until now and I realized that this party was full of 4channers. And I found a 4chan post saying the party had the cops called on them Friday night, so I HAD to see this. It wasn't bad and I don't regret it, but it was a very very surreal experience to eat tendies, drink, and watch stupid videos (and later terrible) with /mlp/ people. I kind of realized that maybe room parties are where the magic happens.
  • I went to the party a bit after 8PM, then I left around 9PM for the Trade Ya! panel. Since after I went to TFF last year I found out how much I love these events to give away and trade merchandise. Good news: I offloaded nearly everything I brought, which is good because I had no hotel room and was carrying a bag for 8 hours. However when the panel was ending I got really desperate and just announced that KIDS GET SOMETHING FREE. I gave a little girl one bait-quality G1, then I had another lament being 18, and two others were like "I'm 15, does that count?" Yes. Please take this shit away from me. I got Star Catcher, a G1 I forgot the name of, and some official Rarity merch. And a weird official figure of a strangely feminine Big Mac I want to mod, but the hair sucks...
  • After the Trade Ya! panel, I went back to the party and that's when it got cursed lol. But someone promised to bring G2 Ivy for me next year, I just need to assemble some good merch to trade for her...

I'm considering giving access to people and making a locked post about the room party, this was simultaneously crazy and mundane.
paperghost: (tasty)
SO. I can't write my con post right now because i'm hung over from harmonycon. That will happen when it happens. I requested 4 days off from work so i can attend all 3 days, but i didn't come home until 2am because my sister rescued me. But 4 days will help since i am running on 3 hours of sleep, alternating between laying in bed and vomiting twice.

The room party wasn't even crazy, there was just free alcohol that i shouldn't have taken advantage of. No more than 3 shots next time. I can't even measure how much i drank, i just drank until i got drunk and i get drunk easy. This ain't it, chief.

The internet feels quieter right now, maybe because the con is still going. Most bluesky posts are by me. It's kind of sad. I still struggle with keeping contacts after the moment ends but i will hunt down some names online when this hangover passes.
paperghost: (MLP everything good comes back again)
I haven't been posting here lately :(

Harmonycon starts... on the 13th... I'm kind of stressed out because while I don't spent that much money at cons, it's mainly Uber I worry about since I didn't get a hotel room. And my paycheck is really really mid since I missed work during the storm. I plan on attending all 3 days, but I ran into a last minute issue with Sunday because I realized too late (read: last night) that the closing ceremony is at 3-4PM. That is SUPER early and if I theoretically Uber over at 10-11AM, I won't be there very long. But I specifically requested the 15th and 16th off from work because I wanted to try attending all 3 days, so I'm just wondering... What do I even do on the 15th? Not only is 4PM too early to go home, but 4-6PM is peak rush hour traffic so going home will be expensive and take a long time. But I do not live near that part of Dallas so I don't know what's walking distance...? I can walk a few miles on foot but man I have no idea.

My potential "escape route" for Sunday is someone who is at Sonic Expo that I added on Discord is doing a "spinoff" event after the con at 7PM, I could probably follow his group and go there... but otherwise I'm just winging Sunday. Just because the convention ends at 4PM doesn't mean I'll get kicked out of the hotel lol. There should be some stuff going on. My sister's boyfriend will let me know if he works that day too because otherwise I offered for us to do something in Dallas if he's off after 4PM.

Also, I'm off tomorrow before the con. Here's my checklist:
- Haircut
- Pack itabag and extra tote
- Check my tub near my computer for MLP stuff I want to bring or give away
???
Profit
paperghost: (tasty)
I've been snowed in for 4 days in a row, 2 being days I was supposed to work. But I can't go to work when there's ice on the road. I'm absolutely not complaining that the storm hasn't been hectic for me. The power has stayed on, the temperature is cold but I've just worn multiple pairs of shirts/socks indoors and sleep with 2-3 blankets. I did have to stomach a "Cuban style" (lol) shower and washed my hair in cold water this morning, but it surprisingly became slightly warm and bearable.

My paycheck drops tomorrow, and I'm very likely going to work. My household needs to get groceries. When I go back to work, I'm probably going to request my schedule for the next 2 weeks be rearranged, since I missed half of this week's and I'm worried about my paycheck. Fingers are crossed that I'll get hazard pay, but I doubt it!!!

My website is also back online under a new url.

https://capyhaus.neocities.org/

Hopefully I will get back to "long form" or "high effort" forms of creativity than doomscrolling and venting. The last 2 years have been just, really really bad. Ideally I should have Capy stickers printed by TFF in March.

I also want to bring my Ivy shrine back, but redo it. I think I'm going to have to go for an iframe if/when I make a new layout. I really didn't want to do this, but I have so much canon info and official art I want to store :( But I'll cross that bridge when it happens.
paperghost: (Default)
So... I'm very close to my rebrand. I'm iced in, missed work today, and there's been no power outages in my county. I'm thankful I'm in the privileged end of this storm, but despite having so much free time and freedom, I just can't focus to have fun or do my "work". It's really frustrating me. Even when I was a NEET during my early-mid 20s I had this problem even on high dosages of Wellbutrin. I was more productive when I was unemployed in 2024 because I was in a relationship... go figure. Now my brain is just a cheap dopamine-seeking ping pong ball.

I'm chipping at my first rune of 2026, and it goes from humorous to sad. I shouldn't get into how my only relationship fucked me up, but I'm just... distraught how I wasted the last 7 years of my life on a lie. But I shouldn't write about that on a public "entertainment/portfolio" website. So I'm just cutting this melodramatic bullshit.

 


rat sites

Jan. 23rd, 2026 09:58 pm
paperghost: (Default)
Stumbled upon this pet rat resource website. This is an old school site from 1999... But the front page notes the owner died in 2018 :(

http://ratfanclub.org/

This is another site that's been online for 30 years and still updated. I sent the owner an email because I discovered it in middle school via a rat care book.

https://wererat.net/
paperghost: (Default)
I'm slowly editing older entries. My plans are:

- website stuff will go private, because the links are dead.
- some slightly personal stuff will be access-only. I do want to start making locked entries, but I don't have a circle. I'm considering giving access to anyone who gave me access first, but I'm not active on here enough to make it yet. I plan on ordering stickers with a carrd link that includes DW as a social, but DW still is niche and my attempts at introducing people never stick lol. So a circle / access to locked posts: coming soon, I just don't know when.
-- On that note, I am considering including discussions on more fringe or "fragile" discussions under a lock, but I don't know. Most of my online life was being in manipulative groups or echo chambers ("cult" is a strong word) that punish for wrongthink, so I'm hesitant for making unpopular opinions "centric" to my identity again.
- Half of my mundane posts and to-do lists are also private. I use blogs like twitter, which is the point, but there's so much random bloat in my old posts it's like "ok, whatever".
- I haven't gotten to 2024, but bullshit about my ex will go private too. I just want to leave those 7 years I wasted behind me. One reason I want to make a circle is to have a space to unpack that. I'm not going to police degrees of separation, but I stopped talking to a lot of people because I'm disgusted they still associate with them. Granted, most people don't know how I was treated due to my ex being superficially charming lol. Oh well.

(Not to be shady, but even some public writings I otherwise think are solid have some lies in them... LOL...)

mundane

Jan. 21st, 2026 05:45 am
paperghost: (Default)
Taking notes...


There's a snow warning in Dallas this weekend, I really hope a freeze doesn't happen. Any excitement for my days off on Friday and Saturday is dead.
paperghost: (Default)
Soo... I'm dealing with a light hangover from sleep aide sedative effects, but I will feel bad if I don't post about Engage's 3rd anniversary.

Unfortunately I took my review offline*, but everything went offline yesterday. Most of my opinions from 3 years ago are the same, albeit harshly worded back then. My expectations were really low! But I thought Alear was charming in an ugly way so I went ahead and bought it. I thought it was really fun and a cute game! I've soured a lot on Three Houses, so I'm fine with the 30th anniversary game being a hybrid of FE6+FE1+diet Fateswakening. I have my share of gripes, the manga adaption is more interesting story-wise and the first 8 chapters of the game are piss boring. It very quickly became a special game to me. I may have fallen in love...

ImageImage

I have so much more to say (or copy and paste from my offline shrine) but i have to go to work in an hour... I should probably cross-post serious or subjective takes here.
3 years is baby, but it's weird how it's been that long. My life has changed a lot since then, desk shrine and itabag aside...

Hopefully I'll check here more after I bring my site back online and the con prep stress fades.

*When my website comes back online, I'm going to have a "vault" folder of runes that don't fit my values, but I want to keep online anyway. My Engage review might be in there... I find it very terrible and badly written tbh. 
paperghost: (Default)
https://randomhoohaas.flyingomelette.com/gw/croc/

I expected this to be a simple review, but this is a pretty good deep dive into the 3D platformer genre as a whole during the 90s. It's very long, and reader mode -> read aloud doesn't even cover the entire page, wow.

Here's a sequel, but I haven't looked at it yet.

https://randomhoohaas.flyingomelette.com/gw/croc/2.html

Makes me want to try this game...
paperghost: (Default)
This is old news, but Stickermule has shown their asses again by giving away free pro-ICE merchandise, so people have been scrambling for other suppliers for custom stickers. I'm thinking about ordering stickers of my art by Harmonycon. I can't keep up with a million tweets and my Bluesky feed is already scrambled, so here's what I've found:

https://www.standoutstickers.com/
https://stickerguy.com/
https://thestickybrand.com/en-ca (limited time deals page is worth looking at)
https://thestickerlad.com/home (website looks like a WIP but furry-owned. Prices are ok)
https://stickerninja.com/ (this looks like Stickermule's biggest rival)
https://unionmadestickers.com/en-ca (you can probably use them for non-union stuff lol)
https://stickerblitz.com/ (another rival with good prices)
Vograce orders from China but I've had a good experience ordering sample packs and one-off keychains from them. YMMV. It's better for physical goods. Not sure of any alternatives that let you do one-off orders.
ETA 1/17: Found some more options.
https://wiki.scumsuck.com/resources:stickers (guide on how to print your stickers at home. Lists options for scanners and paper to buy, etc.)
https://zapcreatives.com/en-us (UK based)
ETA 1/24
https://bearandbeagle.store/ (furry-owned, worth noting because you can input a "due date" for an upcoming convention)
https://www.copybaracreations.com/contact (also furry-owned and convention-oriented, currently no TOS / quote guide but you can contact for one)
https://stickerjerk.com/
https://stickerapp.com/
https://www.stickerbunnies.com/ (I've read good experiences on Bsky, but you have to email to start instead of using an on-site form)

After I edit some art with a signature, I might "trial run" some of these? I have a few paychecks before Harmonycon... Hours are tight but some of these are cheap enough.

This issue with Stickermule is it's the only option I know that lets you print one-off tshirts. I don't know who else does that. Redbubble's prices for making a private design and buying it yourself are inflated.

Side note, is there an external program or some other way to mass-edit DW entires? I have some cleaning up to do and want to mass-private / lock posts without viewing each one individually....

prepping

Jan. 12th, 2026 10:59 pm
paperghost: (Default)
My next paycheck is tomorrow, and it's going to be the pay from how much I worked on Christmas. So this is going to be a fat one. My hours later this month were cut, but doing some basic calculations tell me that the paychecks will be average, not terrible. This paycheck will likely carry me before the next mid ones this month. Hopefully my hours in early February will be decent, since my paycheck drops before the con lol. So tomorrow I'm going to buy my badge for Harmonycon, commission an artist for a badge, pay my personal bills a second time, pay household bills if they weren't already, and put some money aside property taxes later this year. Depending on how much money I have left after required stuff, I may donate to KHinsider since I didn't on Christmas.

I unfortunately haven't gotten my W2 for last year yet because my job's internal system for that changed. Really annoying, because I requested 4 days off for Harmonycon (Feb 13-15 and the 16th to recharge before work), and I'd like to have that return as "padding" for my lost hours, lol. I read on Reddit that the W2s for other employees will be posted around the 15th? So I'll check later this week. I signed up for email alerts, but I never heard of this site W2s are posted on. JFC, what happened to mailing or being in the employee panel?

I'm close to done on my site rebrand, but I'm having trouble ripping the bandaid off. I'm redoing my about page, and when I finish that I'll start my "offline tour" before I swap URLs, send out emails, and be free from now on. Harmonycon is an all ages event so I won't leave advertisements for my site there, but I'm considering printing stickers of my art to leave around the Hyatt for funzies. I'm debating on leaving a signature on them though, since I don't have an "all ages" platform now that DeviantART is in the shitter. OTOH, the Harmonycon Discord is mostly adults and older teenagers, I doubt there's going to be many kid-kids lol?

On that note, I popped in the Harmonycon Discord and saw someone from Sonic Expo there, which is something I'm starting to really enjoy about going to local cons. Obviously they're HUGE and have thousands of people, but local stuff will have recurring vendors and faces. An artists alley vendor at TFF/TFS was at Sonic Expo and recognized me, even. lol. After Harmonycon I'll request time off for TFF. Two cons in February and March makes me feel hectic but I need the minor stress to focus.

My inbox has been piling up. It's past 11PM but I have an afternoon-evening shift tomorrow so I can stay up late. I won't go to bed until I clear it out, lol.

EDIT: I AM DONE!!!!! FINALLY!!! When I was up I'm going to answer some Discord DMs, and hopefully send more out. I am not spending this year in hiding.

hmmm

Jan. 8th, 2026 12:38 pm
paperghost: (Chill bitchez [AA])
Another repost because I have little to say lately, I have a backlog of things in my inbox/DMs and whatnot. lol

@DroptineArt
(archive)
I read this article (and the many others that have popped up recently) and there's a lot of information that's missing that I find perplexing. This article (and the others) insist repeatedly that this is happening in "individuals with no prior mental illness", and yet conveniently leaves out how these individuals are going from their introductory use of chatGPT to the "dangerous" phase.

Our first case says he began using it "for assistance with a permaculture and construction project", but then "after engaging the bot in probing philosophical chats [...] became engulfed in messianic delusions". How did he get from Point A to Point B, and how did these messianic delusions lead not only to a "full-tilt break with reality" but to him attempting to burn down his home and/or hang himself?

Case two details a man who started a "new high-stress job" and began using chatGPT to "expedite some administrative tasks". The article, again, reminds you he had "no prior history of mental illness" and yet insists that acute use of the bot produced "dizzying, paranoid delusions of grandeur, believing that the world was under threat", with no explanation, again, of how we got from Point A to Point B. It does give us a lengthy detail of what his meltdown looked like, physically, though, not that I'm suggesting anything by that.

Another case mentioned details a woman who was on medication for bipolar disorder and began using chatGPT "for help writing an e-book", yet despite having "never been particularly religious", that somehow spiraled into "a spiritual AI rabbit hole", wherein she began "telling friends that she was a prophet capable of channeling messages from another dimension". We are, again, not given information on anything in the middle of this.

I would like to pause at that point and make it clear that I'm critical and yet mostly neutral on "AI" LLM chatbots. I think they are an issue that is downstream of the larger issue that our society is largely atomized and incredibly lonely, and one can't solve the issue of potential psychological harm from chatbots without first solving the problems that lead individuals to use these chatbots in the first place. Society has made it remarkably hard for individuals to have conversations together. It is very easy to go out and be around others, but how easy is it not only to SPEAK to someone but to have them truly listen and digest what you're saying and converse with you about it meaningfully? Until we solve the socially atomized problem, we cannot solve the chatbot problem IMO.

I myself have used chatgpt for advice finding literature to read because google is largely unhelpful now, and have used it as a therapeutic trauma journal of sorts, but I approach it fully conscious that it is a robot designed to validate me first and foremost before engaging in conversation. When I write about the symptoms of my anxiety that day and it writes back "God, yes, that makes so much sense—and honestly, it’s an incredibly insightful observation", I know that that's it's programming. What comes next is a mixture of it's thought processing, which is helpful to digest critically. Perhaps I'm privileged to be able to not see that as grandiose validation, but I will say I've not once give any inkling of support towards anything potentially dangerous.

One could obviously easily argue that that validating and placating individuals can cause LLMs to operate as Folie A Deux machines, taking otherwise "stable" individuals and dysregulating them to the point of psychosis through validation--and I think there's certainly merit to that theory--but I am admittedly skeptical of how many of these articles insist this is happening to totally sane individuals that just coincidentally get to talking about God and ghosts and imaginary friends and the universe and other topics of that nature. I find it hard to imagine someone in the construction field tripped and fell into philosophy and "messianic delusions" with no prior symptomatic issues.

And this is something that we see in traumatized individuals already. They can be functionally "normal" in the sense that they're not actively neurotic and yet can still have underlying issues that just haven't yet become what we'd call fully "symptomatic". It would be amiss to say that they had "no prior history of mental illness". I don't wanna sit here and insist "all three of these people were already having problems beforehand and chatbots simply validated it to a neurotic level" but, on the other hand, I find it suspicious how none of these articles explain HOW the individuals get from things like "expediting administrative tasks" to crawling on all fours insisting your family is in danger. That's not something that a fully neurotypical person is just going to succumb to through validation alone.

I don't want this at all to read like I'm taking a bullet for LLMs. In my ideal world, we wouldn't have any need for them and thus they would not exist. I'm notoriously anti-tech and pro societal regression, but again I think one has to assess the societal structures overall that lead to the popularity of chatbots, IE the degradation of the internet as the "information superhighway" and the degradation of the social environment as pro-conversation. When you cannot meaningfully speak to humans or get answers to your questions, it is only expected that one will turn to technology to soothe these issues instead.

My issue, though, is that we cannot meaningfully solve the problems of technology through fearmongering or misinformation. We have seen this fail time and time again every time a new piece of tech enters the majority population. Article after article about how "totally normal people" are getting "chatgpt psychosis" while failing to explain the pathways in which they're developing this disease does not prevent the issue, nor does it put a lid back on a problem that's already out of our control. I think it's far better to explain instead HOW these problems arise (especially if you supposedly have access to the AI conversation transcripts) and how to meaningfully engage with chatbots if you choose to do so. But that's not good literature. It's far more enticing to treat it like there are theoretical demons in the machine (or literal, remember Swanson's Loab and how people started saying AI was demonic?)

Overall, the cat is out of the bag, and I think one must learn to live with it until it is either put back in the bag or dies of old age. This is the newest form of scary technology after social media, the internet overall, violent video games, etc etc. Insisting "it makes people go insane with no prior conditions" hasn't done us any good societally so far and it surely won't start now. People are going to use these tools and play with them regardless. I think it's a far better duty to teach them how to use it responsibly and UNDERSTAND it than it is to scare them! But that's just me. Maybe the AI's already made me delusional. Who can say.

(Bolded parts are my emphasis)

This sums up how I feel about chatbots at this point. It's one of those aspects of AI/LLMs that I'm critical of, but unlike genAI art/writing, I can't bring myself to care or have a moral stance against. Using AI chatbots as a support is a recipe for disaster, but "socially" it makes perfect sense to.

In my experience, a lot of people are busy, including me. I'm used to being the least priority in my friendships, especially now that I've been single for over a year and don't have opportunities to date. Trying to make new friends is extremely difficult when my age group is married or prioritizes their family. Even with casual friendships, I feel like I can't express my opinions or mention difficult life issues like family or money. (Not to make people help, but to just vent or get it out there that "hey, I may be in a bad mood because of XYZ, nothing personal.") I dislike traumadumping (as in sharing explicit triggering details of things like assault, murder, etc.) but basic venting or expressing stress is considered "emotional labor" to young people. Therapy is expensive and speaking from experience, it really messes you up to have the only space to speak openly be a transactional paid service. Being in trauma therapy for several years retraumatized me and I don't talk about "loaded" or personal subjects with acquaintances, because I have an actual trigger response when told to "go to therapy" as a solution.

So of course a fake chatbot that mechanically acknowledges your messages, immediately responds, has a programmed friendly personality, doesn't judge you, etc., is going to be appealing to interact with. It's really a no fucking brainer. We have no one to blame but each other for this aspect of AI.
paperghost: (Default)

The Nostalgia Trap

I am part of the generation that spent most of their childhood in the analog world, and then gradually turned digital as they came into young adulthood. We are often referred to as “digital immigrants”, contrasting us with the “digital natives” born somewhere between a decade and two later. But a more appropriate term would be the “abyss generation”, because somewhere deep down we are stuck in limbo, in the abyss between fully analog and fully digital, of two worlds, yet fully belonging to neither.

Growing up, we used a lot of paper. A lot of color pencils and crayons. Our teachers put us through endless drills in cursive handwriting. A neat, legible, and beautiful hand was something to be strived for, something that was prized, and rewarded and shown off.
We had long afternoons to ourselves. We had a loyal band of neighborhood friends. We would have four hour long play sessions. Sometimes, we would listen to entire albums from beginning to end–while doing nothing else. Do you even remember the last time you just listened to music, without it being a soundtrack to some other activity you were doing?

Sometimes, we ache to go back to that time. That time seemed simpler and purer. So much so that we are willing to mutilate memories from our immediate past with sepia and Polaroid filters. Nostalgia is painful, but it is also sweet and powerful.

But here is the thing: nostalgia is a trap. It is not that those times were simpler and purer. We were simpler and purer.

Nostalgia is easy to fall into. And the older you get, the easier it gets. The universe of things you can look back on only increases with time. And it seems so much more pleasant than looking forward, where you only see hopes and dreams and fears and probabilities. It takes conscious effort to not go down that slope, to instead look to the future, and actually create it. And it takes even more effort, and more courage, to objectively compare the past to the present, and face the fact that, yes, indeed, most things are better, and are more likely than not to continue getting better.

Over the last year, I have found myself writing by hand again. Sometimes, it is page after page of straight prose. Sometimes it is phrases and bullet points and underlines and bubbles. Sometimes it is just random senseless doodling. And the reason I have come back to that archaic activity is my LiveScribe pen. I no longer have to worry about losing all that. Something that is naturally analog and free-form is seamlessly brought into the digital world.

We seem to be enveloped by the literature of despair and frustration. Complaints and pessimism always seem to be more profound and erudite when placed next to cheerful optimism. Reject that.

Look forward. Make the future.
paperghost: (What does corn dream about?)
As a note, I am jittery, running on caffeine, and haven't eaten yet. So this will be unruly.

I haven't had great Neocities experiences in the last 3 years, but since early last year I suddenly had an online penpal situation with an anonymous reader who found my site from a page about my shiny Pokemon collection. The emails turned from talking about Pokemon, jokes, website stuff, to computer and privacy related stuff and very vague allusions to personal problems. This person was very into privacy stuff and talked to me about alternative browsers and Linux stuff. To be honest, I'm currently not ready to take the Linux pill or care about alternative chat protocols, but I appreciated I was a space for this guy to give instructions and share resources. To be honest, I think a lot of the interest stems from political paranoia and whatnot, since the last email mentioned Jesus and a rapture....

I got an email from PA that they're deleting their email. I couldn't send my response. So I'll copy&paste the non-personal parts. PA doesn't appear to use ANY mainstream site outside of browsing personal ones, so I don't know if PA will see it.
ETA: HAHA OOPS I let the "locker room talk" slip in public. Oh well, anyone who has spoken to me privately knows I'm not politically correct.

The email contained instructions to quickly installing Linux and resources that I'll archive. I was going to ask for permission, but the account was deleted after the email was sent. If any Linuxheads want to comment and verify, feel free. I can post more tech advice PA sent me for legacy purposes.
linux instructions and resources )

Hope you're okay, PA, wherever you are. My rebranded website by January shouldn't be hard to find. You know my email, feel free to throw me a line.
paperghost: (Go mouse! (NSFW))
Donations:

$10 to Wikipedia
$10 to Artfight
$15 to Furaffinity
£7 to Marapets
$10 to Sheezyart
$15 to Dreamwidth

I'll probably commission people after the holiday bustle.

meme

Dec. 19th, 2025 10:10 pm
paperghost: (Default)
Going to bed soon. But I found something I needed:

https://memed.io/laser-eyes-meme-maker

Makes glowing eyes for meme. You can combine it with the deep frier: https://deepfriedmemes.com/

ImageImage

I am close to my finish line.
TODO:
- SPAG check / edit remaining four pages
- Upload new graphics
- Redraw old mascot
- Draft email and Discord messages
- Draft [redacted] message
- Find and replace old usernames
- Change URL
- Upload new stuff
- Squat old username and upload new splash
I work 40hr this week and will be busy on Christmas, but this might be done before January. I might be free for next year.

yay

Dec. 19th, 2025 06:01 pm
paperghost: (Chill bitchez [AA])
1. Inching close to The Rebrand. I have a few more pages left. If I finish by next week, the only thing I have left are to draw assets.

2. I've decided to stop dieting the way I do. My method of "trying to lose weight" was "calorie counting and eating less" which... isn't working out. My impulse control has improved by drinking inositol this year and it helped me go down 3 pant sizes and 1-2 shirt sizes, but I'm lowkey starving myself by not eating much. It's impacted my brain functions, when I have "low calorie/food" days I have a hard time thinking and doing what I need. So I'm not going to obsess over eating under 1500 calories, just being a bit better. I bought tomatos, eggs, and avocados, and I had a really good breakfast days ago by having that on a rice cracker.

3. I've been addicted to Monster energy. I quit in September because it fucked up my teeth, but went back last month because I worked so many hours before Sonic Expo. Sometimes I really need at least one to get through my shifts. Now I'm trying to cut back again, because out of my two vices, I spend more money on Monster than Littlest Pet Shop toys. My work lets employees have free Red Bulls in the back, so I was drinking those. The issue is, people drank all the regular Red Bulls... and the zero flavor is disgusting, as is the juneberry. So if we don't get normal Red Bulls again tomorrow I may drink ONE Monster a day. Ugh.

Hopefully I will get that bad tooth in the back removed next year... I just don't have time I find a dentist with my work insurance, and then get an appointment on a day off.

4. I'm also cutting down on sleep aides. I'm still taking them, but I realized 5mg of melatonin and 25mg of Diphenhydramine is actually better than 5.5mg and 50mg. I've had trouble getting out of bed or waking up at night on higher doses, so I'll continue this smaller dose on work nights.

5. Speaking of Littlest Pet Shops, my work has holiday-themed blind bags. I got 3 out of 4 so far. Unfortunately, I got a dupe of the rabbit, so I might double check the codes to get the deer. I got the tiger yesterday, and I like it enough to keep as-is instead of modding. Same with the rabbit. I like the deer too and really want it. The penguin on the other hand goes in my "to trade at conventions" bag, lol.

6. My Bluesky domain stopped working last week and the site I got it on, handles.club, is down. It was inevitable, honestly. Giving out people free domains isn't going to last long when meme ones like .pizza, .wine, .voda, .men, etc. are expensive to renew. So I am not getting my .pizza meme domain back because it's very expensive. I might buy a domain after I rebrand, I just don't know which. I figured something like .xyz.

7. My time off request on the 23rd was rejected, so I'm working for the next few days. I REALLY hate last minute shoppers. I almost had a panic attack on the day before Thanksgiving due to complete idiots shopping last minute. The kicker is EVERYTHING IS SOLD OUT!!! For the love of god, stay home on the 23rd. Don't order online. Leave me alone!

doot doot

Nov. 25th, 2025 06:19 pm
paperghost: (Go mouse! (NSFW))
Tomorrow is the last day I work 5 days in a row. Then I get 3 days off, and I have to beg my managers to not make me work 6 days in a row the following week. But I'm going to buy some alcohol and other stuff after work tomorrow night. I gave my mom $20 to do some laundry while I'm at work. Then during my 3 day "weekend" I'll try to buckle down and work on my site, since I'm still SPAG-checking and doing light rewrites of every page. I have half of my articles done, and I need to do my shrines left. I also have comments and emails to respond to that I keep putting off.

A part of me really wants to pull the plug. But I won't. I will (hopefully) have every page better, have new site assets, and will have a new name from 2026 onward.

I'm still anti-AI art and writing, but I'm trying to warm up to AI as a tool. I enabled VSC's built in Copilot to see if it can help me with minor coding. Not doing everything for me, but basic tasks like "modernize this layout" "fix this" "replace this code here with that code", etc. I don't buy the argument of "anti-AI is ableist" but I can see it as an accessibility tool in this case, since I don't code anymore due to low energy. But so far it's destroyed layouts I've edited and hallucinated a Drawn Together episode that doesn't exist. OKAY???

Speaking of AI, I updated my phone a week ago and it installed Google Gemini without my permission. I disabled it, but I can't remove it. God damn it....
paperghost: (Go mouse! (NSFW))
Went to Oak Lawn at noon yesterday, stayed for 10 hours until I came home by midnight. I wanted to go during the day so I could explore before the sun goes out, but I realized on a Friday afternoon everyone's at work and nothing interesting happens until 8PM (again). So I explored and saw that the city did double down against the threats of removing the rainbow crosswalks lol, more stuff was painted rainbow. Even the Methodist church had rainbow steps. But this was the first time I saw it, so it was probably already like that before October.

DST does affect bar culture. 8PM was quiet in bar standards in Sept-October, but since the sun goes down earlier, 8-9PM was when everything started. Had 3 shots of vodka, but I didn't run around the city drunk again because that's dangerous. I just drunkly ordered a burger for dinner at Jr's and it was nice how I was literally left alone. No one touched my purse or anything despite being a prime time to get robbed lol. Otterly Fierce's show in August mentioned Mustache Envy playing every 3rd Friday of the month, but they were here last night? So I stuck around for that drag show and I even participated in a game lol. I don't know if it'll show up on Facebook, but I can't post it since I'm literally In It.

So going during the day is a bust. I guess I do have to be a night lift person lol. Now I work for a few hours later this afternoon, but I don't mind. I'll pause watching LPS 2012 to see if I can watch Hazbin season 2 this week.

I'd post photos but I don't have the energy to load them from my phone onto Filegarden. I saw fat pigeons fighting over a piece of chicken when the sun was out. Do you think they knew?

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