Progress Report: Year Two

Hello little blog. Have you been lonesome without me?

I’ve been busy…but still living the NoNewPlastic Pledge. In fact I’ve just finished YearTwo of the Pledge. My 2008 plastic consumption weighs in at meager .42 kg, that’s less than 1 pound. About the same as my Year One usage.

I’m proof positive it can be done. And if I can do it, so can everyone else.

Choosing to not choose plastic is just a part of everyday life for me now. No different than my choice to be a vegetarian. Sure, you have to deny yourself some stuff and your choices are more limited. But what’s good for the planet is more important than what’s good for you or me.

Afterall, it's good to limit your choices in life. Dieting gurus say if you want to stay skinny and healthy then ‘only shop the outer perimeter of a supermarket’ – because all the crap that’s bad for you are in the aisles. Choosing to not buy plastic is just another way for you to limit your choices and keep the planet healthy. And surprisingly, you tend to shop the outer perimeter of the supermarket – in my case the produce, bread and bulk food sections, because all the plastic packaged stuff that's bad for the planet is in the aisles.

I think we’ve just got too many choices. And that’s why we want so much stuff. When I walk into MegaStores it irritates me that there is that much crap out there in the world for people to buy. All that choice and all that stuff means Nature has been pillaged because EVERYTHING COMES FROM NATURE.

Now this next part is going to be a UberHypocritical so prepare yourself….there are so many choices out there…that you can usually find a plastic-free choice. (Choice is bad. Choice is good...see told you I'm a hypocrite) Oh sure, you'll have to don your hunting vest and go on a quest for plastic-free alternatives...but trust me, they are there. And once you know where they are, shopping gets easier. Taking the NoNewPlastic Pledge has opened my life up to new choices. Choices that are better for the planet. And they’ve even been better for me too.

Oh sure, I really miss some things, like nail polish, pantyhose, Cadbury chocolate bars, Cadbury mint chocolate bars, fake-chicken nuggets, potato chips, rice cakes, frozen pizza….hell…all frozen food, oh yeah, and especially tofu. (Yeah, it’s a weird list..but it’s MY list).

But I’ve discovered other wonderful things…like Plant Love Lipstick, and Piaffe Horse Chestnut Body Cream, and Ellis Design shopping bags. Oh, and definitely fruits and veggies. I eat much healthier then I ever did when plastic was in my life. I cook more and have become a food channel and Rouxbe.com groupie. Gotta love that.

The only day to day stuff I haven’t been able to find good quality plastic-free alternatives for are: a toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant, hair conditioner. I’ve been using a toothbrush I bought back in 2005 and it’s on the point of disintegration. And my hair is rattier and drier than I’d like. And of course its impossible to find plastic-free alternatives for computers, and phones, and electrical cords. Oh, I miss scotch tape too.

I had 2 big challenges during YearTwo. The first was I had to give up my car. After 19 years of dutiful service, MyLittleCar blew her transmission in the summer and the World’sBestMechanic said ‘EnviroWoman, she ain’t worth fixing’. (Ya gotta love a mechanic who puts YOUR pocket book before theirs). So MyLittleCar was retired to the parkade morgue and I’ve been taking transit ever since. Buying a new car would require buying a big hunk of plastic, and EnviroWoman can’t have that. Once every month and a half or so I rent a car and have a mega-errand day, but I take transit for everything else. This was just a natural progression from my ActofGreen made long ago to take transit to work each day. Adding weekends was just a way to take that ActofGreen to the next level. In 2009 I’ll probably try a car cooperative and see how that works.

The second big challenge was having to postpone renovations on MyLittleAbode. Renos would require buying things made of or packaged in tons of plastic – like light fixtures, flooring, glues and appliances. I’ve put renovations off for two years now while living the NoNewPlasticPledge…but have to take the plunge, bite the bullet and start them in 2009. EnviroWoman’s inner EcoFreak has ruled for the past two years, but now her inner DesignFreak wants to come out and play.

So what plastic did come into my life in 2008. Three kinds:

1. Conscious plastic (bought stuff I knew had plastic) – tampon wrappers, deodorant, mascara, clothing tags, produce labels, surgical gloves at the dentist and doctors office, hypodermic syringe/needles for a sick cat, buttons and zippers on clothes, jar caps
2. Unconscious plastic (forgot to be plastic vigilant) – drink cup from poolside at the Wynn during a trip to Vegas, plastic air-packing bags from an Amazon book order, foam packing from new bathroom sink taps
3. Friendly plastic (stuff other people gave to me which I couldn’t re-gift to others) – birthday balloons, birthday cake platter, gift cards
   

I have to thank my friends and family for being so supportive. Most have really jumped on the EnviroWoman bandwagon, put up with my EcoEccentricies (no plastic, no leather/fur, no meat..and now no car) and played along. And I especially want to thank all the retailers I've dealt with who very happily catered to my 'No Plastic Please' requests. Everyone has been grand. EnviroWoman sends big kisses out to all of them. It would have been much harder if they hadn’t been willing to honour the pledge.

So am I gonna take the NoNewPlasticPledge for a third year. You bet. But, I’m calling a moratorium for all of January 2009 so I can buy some of the stuff for renovations and so I can finally buy a decent toothbrush and toothpaste.

I can hardly wait to have minty fresh breath and bleeding gums again.

Top 10 Tips to Reduce Plastic: Tip #2

For those of you who made a New Year’s Resolution to reduce the amount of plastic in your life here's the second of my Top 10 ways to reduce plastic, based on a year’s worth of experience.

Don’t use plastic produce bags.

If you’re committed to Tip #1 (bringing your own bag), which more and more people are, then isn’t it ironic (and counter productive) to put your oranges, and bananas and other produce in plastic produce bags, then stick your plastic bags in a cotton or canvas bag – especially one emblazoned with the words ‘Stop using plastic bags’.

Think about it…How many people have touched that apple on its journey from the tree to the shelf before YOU pick it up. Lots!!! So of course you’re only going to wash it when you get home, aren’t you? So just plunk it in your shopping cart and say no to the plastic produce bag.

Now some of you are probably protesting…'Yuck, but there are germs on the checkout conveyer belt!' Hey – guess what – there are germs EVERYWHERE!!!! Wash your stuff when you're home and get over it!

Take it from someone who knows - if you like to flaunt your green lifestyle (as a way to lead by example) this is a great plastic to give up.

Because people will notice.

When you’re at the checkout counter and your apples, carrots, broccoli, tomatoes, celery and potatoes are sitting on the conveyer belt, exposed for all to see, instead of shrouded in plastic produce bags – people can’t help notice that what you’re doing is different.

And it makes them think.

Bonus points - If you have a handy wire basket like mine, and carry all the stuff out of the store bare to the world, sans plastic, people notice even more and sometimes will ask 'Where'd you get the basket?’

And when they look at you, it’s with that look that says ‘Great idea’ not with the look that says ‘WhackedOutEcoFreak’.

Ya Gotta Love That!

And now, it's time for another EnviroWoman RANT!
It really bugs me when I walk into our local organic food stores and see people putting their produce in plastic bags.

I'm assuming these people buy organic because they are health conscious and don't want to fill their bodies with chemicals/hormones. Maybe even some of them also don't want to support farmers/factory farms that fill the environment with chemicals/hormones.

Then why oh why are they putting their stuff into plastic produce bags, that eventually make there way to a landfill or worse yet wild places or the ocean – and there - fill the environment with chemicals and hormones.

Oh I know, none of us are perfect. Especially not EnviroWoman. And it’s easy to microscopically criticize the behaviour of others while holding ourselves up on some chaste EcoPedestal, turning a blind eye to our own transgressions.

But it still bugs me!

Top 10 Tips to Reduce Plastic: Tip#1

Bravo if you’ve made a New Year’s Resolution to reduce the amount of plastic in your life. Now that I'm in YearTwo of Living Plastic Free I thought I'd share EnviroWoman’s Top 10 ways to reduce plastic, based on a year’s worth of experience. So here's Tip#1...

Bring your own bag.

When shopping (not just grocery shopping, but for any shopping) take along your own packing bag.

Just make sure it’s made of cotton, canvas or a natural fiber (like these cheeky ones from BringYourOwnBag). A bag made out of nylon (which is plastic) or recycled plastic is still plastic, so in a way, you’re kinda defeating your good intentions.

And if you’re shopping for a big family – bring a box instead of a bag. Hey if it’s okay at Costco, why isn’t it okay for Safeway and IGA?

When grocery shopping EnviroWoman takes her handy wire basket along and uses it to pack her groceries in and out of the store. I LOVE my wire basket. I'm the only person in the supermarket who has one...so it makes me feel like an UberEnviroTrendSetter. (Dillusionary, aren't I?)

She also uses a big canvas bag from Ellis Designs (no plastic handles, or buttons, but alas, a plastic inside pocket zipper), which does double duty as a purse for regular shopping.

There are lots of options to choose from nowadays. Just google 'cloth shopping bag' or 'reusable shopping bag'. Or, attend a local craft sale.

And now it’s time for an EnviroWomanRANT
You may have noticed it's becoming more ‘fashionable’ to bring your own bag. And that’s a great thing.

Big chain stores like Ikea, and SuperStore are even charging for bags or not even offering them, or at least selling a reusable alternative (alas, many of which are nylon-plastic). All good things.

But at the same time, it bugs EnviroWoman. Here’s why...

People think that if they bring their own bag they are doing their part to save the planet. They pat themselves on the back for being ‘green’.

But then they walk into the supermarket and fill their shopping carts with plastic packaged food, buy plastic wrapped coconuts (SpockIllogical), put fruits and veggies in plastic bags, buy bottled water, opt for stuff in a plastic bottles versus glass because 'it’s so much more convenient and safe' (maybe for them, but not for Mother Earth, which in the long means it’s not for them either). And so on, and so on.

Where is the 'green' action in that?

They do not see the irony.

Now, EnviroWoman ain’t no eco-Saint. She admits she didn’t see the irony in this either before taking the NoNewPlasticPledge.

But now EnviroWoman does.

And if you stand really close to her in the checkout line, looking at all those plastic filled shopping carts….you can hear her screaming inside. There is no hope. We humans are a lost cause. The planet is on a FastTrackToDisaster.

Sorry if I burst your EcoBubble here. But let's face it, Tip #1 is not enough.

Bringing your own shopping bag is only a wee baby step on the path that takes you to 'living green'. Truth is....you still have a long, long, long way to go. Lots more behaviours to change. Scary. Sad. But necessary.

Now, don't go give up. Instead, cheer up. 'Cuz chicky-poos you're in good company. EnviroWoman still has a long, long way to go too.

Tip #1 may be a baby step, but it’s still a baby step worth taking.

2007 vs 2006 Plastic

How do I know I’m a WhackedOutEcoFreak?There’s a pile of plastic garbage in my living room.

And that’s because not only did I keep all the plastic I let into my life during 2007 (the wee pile on the right, also known as The2007PlasticShrine, 1 lb 3 oz, also shown here in greater detail), but I also kept all the plastic that was in my life as of Dec 31st 2006 which I continued to use and which is now ready for recycling (the huge pile on the left, also known as 2006Plastic, 24 lbs, 9 oz, ).

My rules allow the continued use of 2006 plastic because to just toss out ALL the plastic I owned when I took the NoNewPlastic pledge would have been extremely wasteful, disrespectful to MotherNature, and quite honestly made homebase a desolate place on Jan 1 2007 – cuz plastic is in everything!!! If I had to find non-plastic replacements for EVERYTHING in my life on Jan 1st I would have never been able to keep my NoNewPlasticPledge until Jan 31st, let alone Dec 31st.

Not quite an apples to apples comparison. Oh well.

If I'd really been planning ahead, I would have started my project January 1st 2006 and spent that year living a normal PlasticAddictedLife and collecting all the plastic I brought into my life. That way I could do an apples to apples comparison of a 2006 plastic lifestyle versus a 2007 NoNewPlastic lifestyle.

But life ain’t ideal. Fabulous. But not ideal. So I thought the next best thing, and most useful comparison was to collect 2006Plastic. A lot of it is plastic bought in 2006, but some of it is from earlier years.

Anyway. Isn’t the difference pretty spectacular!

The PlasticShrine Continues

During YearTwo of the NoNewPlasticPledge I’ll continue to add to the 2006Plastic pile since there’s still lots of 2006Plastic in my life that I’m gradually using up, or just deciding to give up, because I’ve found non-plastic replacements.

I’ll also add a bit to the 2007 pile as plastic I brought into my life during 2007 (like paint and deodorant) gets used up.

And I’ll start a new 2008 pile.

It will be interesting to see how the three piles look on Dec 31, 2008. I’m hoping the transition to a NoNewPlastic lifestyle will be even more evident by then.

The PlasticShrines in an Ideal World

If life were ideal, on Dec 31 2008 the 2006 pile would be huge (demonstrating how successfully I am transitioning my life to completely plastic free), the 2007 pile would stay puny, and the 2008 pile would be even smaller than the 2007 pile.

But quite honestly, with all the home renovations I’ve got planned during 2008, that’s gonna be really, really tough.

PROGRESS REPORT: Year One

I’ve finished YearOne of living the NoNewPlastic pledge. Here’s a picture of the plastic shrine which represents all the new plastic I let into my life during 2007 which is now all used up and ready for recycling or the trash.

To be honest, it’s way, way more than I thought I’d accumulate. I naively thought I’d slam the gates shut on new plastic during 2007, and there would be ZERO plastic in the Shrine. Alas, it was amazing how much snuck into my life. And even more surprising was discovering how many things include plastic which you never really think about - like polyester, nylon and spandex in clothing, and those nasty plastic liners in tin cans.

EnviroWoman’s 2007 Plastic Consumption Stats:

• 1 lb, 3 oz: total weight of new plastic added to the plastic shrine in 2007. Let's make an 'apples to apples' comparison...every man, woman and child on the planet consumes ~200 pds each year.. And that’s probably much higher if you consider just us plastic-addicted FirstWorld consumers. My guess is that average stat doesn’t include things like paint, and clothing (polyester, nylon, etc). So, I wasn't really sure how to factor in the paint I used. Afterall, it's on the walls, so I can't really add it to the shrine. So I added (but didn't weigh) the paint cans all used up to date (about 19 liters, with another 42 liters still to use in 2008)

• 0: number of plastic bags EnviroWoman consumed in 2007. Average earthling – 150 bags, average Australian 326, average American 552 to 1267 (depending on the stat you find). EnviroWoman discovered and used only earth-friendly compostable bioplastic bags in 2007.

• 0: number of plastic bottles EnviroWoman let into her life in 2007. Average person 260 (1999 stat).

• ~4 oz: weight of plastic film EnviroWoman used. Compared to 3.85 pounds per person per year.

• 37%: decrease in dollars spent on groceries from Jan-Oct 2007 compared to same period in 2006. Wasn't expecting that. But ooeee....that’s pretty spectacular.

Plastic Perils Between Oct-Dec 2007
Alot of plastic was added in the final quarter of 2007. And that’s because EnviroWoman has been dealing with a lot of DEATH and NearDEATH. And, as with LIFE…DEATH seems to have an affinity for plastic.

1. NearDeath#1 – MyLittleCar. In an effort to keep the plastic shrine as miniscule as possible, EnviroWoman has postponed painting MyLittleCar after it was a victim of a HitAndLeaveANote, 'cuz car painting requires plastic sheeting. She's even put off buying much needed new tires to replace balding ones, because tires are plastic. But when the 19 year old MyLittleCar failed LaLaLand’s annual AirCareTest, which checks cars for pollutants, she absolutely had to take action. No matter how much plastic it added to the PlasticShrine. MyLittleCar’s dismal report card, was a direct result of KarmicJustice because as EnviroWoman waited in the AirCare line-up, she reviewed her 2006 test results and blatantly and flagrantly boasted aloud ‘LittleCar you ROCK! Look how low last year’s scores were – so way, way below the DangerZone. 6 A+s…and you were 18 years old then. You are SO going to SMOKE this year’s test.” And smoke it did…but not in the way all good environmentalists would hope!!! 4 Fs outta 5. Yes…1…2…3…4 Fs. The shock was enough, but oy vay, there was a big heaping of EnviroGuilt too. Just how many months had MyLittleCar been mega-contributing to Carbonageddon? Bad MyLittleCar – making the icebergs melt. Bad EnviroWoman - being boastful rather than modestly humble. Thankfully, EnviroWoman’s BestEverMechanic (who no kidding, used the words 'catastrophic system failure' when he saw the test results) was able to restore MyLittleCar back to good clean-air health with a new O2 sensor (which thankfully only has a bit of rubber/plastic) and EGR valve (which yipee, has no plastic). ThankGawd, because the big hunk of plastic associated with a new car is something EnviroWoman is not willing to consider while she’s living the NoNewPlasticPledge.

2. Death #2 – HunkaPoohHardDrive. Most of the pet names I bestow on things are terms of endearment but not so when it comes to my computer. I gotta say, my HP Pavilion is a huge piece of SH_T. So friggin slow. And then to boot, the hard drive and the CD Rom drive go totally kapoot after a little over a year. And, you know what’s coming…..I lost everything!!!! All my blog notes, all my pre-written future blog entries (and these little suckers take 5-20 hours to write), all my financial records, all my emails (including from blog readers), all my files, all my blog passwords, all my pictures….everything. Now you might say ‘EnviroWoman, why didn’t you back up!” Lovies…because that would require buying CD Roms, which are plastic! Or a backup drive…which is plastic. I knew the NoNewPlasticPledge was putting me on the precipice of technological disaster, and wouldn’t ya know, my HunkaPoohHardDrive took great pleasure in jumping off the edge. I lived as long as I could without a computer, but it sure puts a damper on blogging! I felt like I had fallen off the planet. I debated, should I just toss the HunkaPooh out - but a new computer would be such a big hunk of plastic. So instead, in December, I opted for a new hard drive (which alas, is just as slow and problematic). Much less plastic, but it did come with one of those nasty foily plastic envelopes. Lesson learned…Never, Ever buy another HP. And find an ftp site to back up to. If anyone knows of a good data recovery place in Vancouver (with a 'clean' room), let me know.


3. Death #3 – Television UHF/VHS Thingymebob Back in March I reported how the little DoHickey that allows my ancient TV to connect to cable tried to commit HariKari. But EnviroWoman, who is also a HandyWoman, whipped out her trusty soddering gun and copper wiring and welded a band-aid fix. This was repeated several times over the course of the next 9 months until finally the DoHickey did a HumptyDumptyCouldn’t BePutBackTogetherAgain. It was dead, dead, dead. I lived without TV while I shopped for a new Thingymebob. But found none that didn't come encased in a huge gob of blister pak. Couldn't have that. It looked like we had seen the death of TV in our home. But thankfully, when the CableGuy visited to make us InternetWired in the new abode, he had an extra one handy (without any packaging) which he graciously offered at no cost. TV was resurrected from the dead.
   

4. Death #4 – Chocolate Brown Walls. In July, EnviroWoman moved to a new home which required renovations. The chocolate brown and forest green walls (in a north facing home!?!!!) were particularly ghastly and gloomy. EnviroWoman may be an introvert, but she ain’t no troll. For many months she resisted the temptation to paint, thinking she'd put it off until 2008 (my mantra is 'Remember the PlasticShrine. Remember the PlasticShrine'). But, by September EnviroWoman was seriously contemplating extending her NoNewPlasticPledge for another year. So she took the paint plunge, opting for low/no-VOC paint where she could...which is slightly more environmentally friendly, but is still plastic.
   

5. Death #5 - TheBeast. EnviroWoman has foregone much needed dental work in 2007 because dentists mean plastic. She even put off a blood test (plastic syringe, surgical gloves, rubber tube-stoppers) to check if the ridges that appeared on her toenails a few months into the year were symptomatic of a protein deficiency brought on because her usual meat substitutes (which are ALL plastic packaged) were now off limits in 2007. But when the Vet said 'We have to get subcutaneous fluids in TheBeast first, if we want to administer pain killers' EnviroWoman's NoNewPlastic resolve evaporated like morning dew. After 18 years of furry companionship, TheBeast was suffering a slow and agonizing death. She deserved help even though it meant lots of new plastic. Who woulda thunk that TheBeast would have ended up commemorated in the PlasticShrine… but there’s her contribution…in the form of a big bag of Ringers Lactate, needles, and tubing. But, in true form EnviroWoman looks on the bright side of life (and even death)…..at least the crematorium was willing to put her ashes in a paper bag instead of a plastic one!!!

Other plastic added in the last quarter of 2007

• 4 pastry cups, which deceptively appeared to be 100% paper in the bakery display case, but rudely revealed their plastic lining once brought home. Plastic really is sneaky!
• 6 inch roll of nylon fabric
• Tampon wrappers & one casing
• 2 pairs of surgical gloves and 6 plastic xray covers from dental checkup
• Toothpaste lid and tube (the latter, although metal, probably has a plastic liner)
• 2 Nestea tea bag packages, although paper, seemed to be plastic-coated
• Plastic protective seal on a cosmetics bottle
• Deodorant container
• Vinyl label from a pair of jeans
• T-shaped clothing price tags thingys
• Food labels, produce stickers, 2 plastic lids
• Laundry detergent measuring cup…sneaky little bugger – hidden in the detergent box. One must be ever vigilant.
• Caramel Apple Wrapper
  
  There was also 24 buttons, 2 zippers and a 100% polyester blouse - none of which are ready to be recycled yet. And of course, there were some plastic packaged, plastic containing Xmas gifts, but as per TheRules, these will all be re-gifted.

Will there be a YearTwo of the NoNewPlasticPledge?
Of course! YearOne was just the warm-up. The real challenge begins when all the plastic EnviroWoman had in her life as of Dec 31, 2006 gets used up, and that's gonna take a couple of years. Besides, I have yet to find a plastic-free toothbrush…but I'm determined...and it better happen soon, because my current toothbrush is totally falling apart.

And, in a weird, perverse way, I really enjoy discovering how this extreme lifestyle has changed my life. Oh sure, the combination of living with Cruelty-free, Vegetarian, and Plastic-free rules makes this all a TripleChallenge that probably no one else on Earth has taken on. But thankfully I’m also a Chocoholic – and eating chocolate makes it seem all worthwhile, and so much easier.

The RULES

I’ve been living the NoNewPlasticPledge for 8 1/2 months now. Some of you wonderful readers were there from the start, and others have discovered EnviroWoman along the way. From the emails I get and the comments you great folks posts, I thought it would be helpful to restate my rules.

Although originally posted way back on New Year’s eve, I was so plastic naive way back then, the rules weren’t that detailed so I’ve provided you with some clarification. And all the amendments to the rules I've invoked as I learn more about plastic.

Okay here we go:

Original Rule #1: I CAN NOT buy or accept products containing or packaged in plastic for the first 90 days of 2007

• Clarification: This INCLUDES recyclable and recycled plastic. Hey, it’s still plastic, so it’s a no no.
• Clarification: This DOES NOT INCLUDE any and all petroleum-based products. The magic word in my pledge is ‘plastic’ not ‘petroleum’. Yes, I know you can’t have plastic without petroleum. (But you can have petroleum without plastic.) Remember, I’ve taken the NoNewPlasticPledge, not the NoNewPetroleumPledge. My beef with plastic is that it’s everywhere, and it doesn’t degrade.
• Clarification: This INCLUDES plastic other people bring into my life. When my female kinfolk sent me a package covered in plastic tape, I had to accept that as my personal consumption and add it to my plastic shrine. If someone brings plastic packaged chocolates to work and offers me one, I have to say no. At restaurants I can't order something I know someone will serve to me in plastic which will be thrown out after I’ve finished with it, like water in a plastic bottle or a plastic glass or with a plastic straw. However, this leads into a gray area….because how far do you really take it…. If I eat at a restaurant or a friend’s place and they serve food that was once packaged in plastic, but not served to me in plastic then that’s okay because it’s their plastic consumption, not mine. Like I said, it’s a gray area…and I’m not always consistent in my logic but hey, they are MY rules, so I can do what I want.
• Clarification: I CAN touch plastic. Some people assume my pledge means I can’t even touch plastic. Now come on folks…let’s GET REAL.
• Clarification: I CANNOT get others to buy plastic for me. Several wonderful souls have offered “I’ll buy this plastic then give it to you, then it won’t count”. It DOES COUNT and it would be cheating. Even if you’rwe're talking chocolate….it’s still cheating. EnviroWoman doesn’t cheat.
• Amendment: The resolution was extended to the entire 2007 year
• Amendment: This INCLUDES not buying or accepting biodegradable plastic (which I didn’t even know existed before Jan 1st)
• Amendment: This INCLUDES anything which qualifies as plastic according to wikipedia like nylon, polyester, Teflon, synthetic rubber, acrylic, styrofoam ad plasticizers (though this last one is a hard one ‘cuz it’s hard to really know what has plasticizers in it). Let’s just say, it blew my mind when I read this wikipedia page back in February, ‘cuz that’s when it really hit me how much stuff I had actually sworn off. Like nail polish. Ignorance is bliss. Reality sucks.
• Amendment: I CAN purchase compostable bioplastic – because it’s not petroleum-based plastic (as with biodegradable plastics, I didn’t even know this existed before Jan 1st). I am well aware that this counters the logic of the second clarification point above. Here’s what I like about compostable plastics – they degrade way faster than petroleum-based plastics and into earth-friendly benign matter. Regular, degradable, and biodegradable plastics don’t.
• Amendment: This INCLUDES papers which obviously have plastic in them, like sticky labels and that foily shiny plasticy stuff all my fav chocolate bars come in. This amendment eventually leads into a gray area…because how can you really tell if some paper has plastic in it…
• Amendment to the amendment: This DOES NOT INCLUDE magazines and books. It did for the first 6 months, but now I just can’t live without them.
• Amendment: I DO NOT have to be uber-extreme at work. Work presents challenges. ButI have to admit I stick to my NoNewPlasticPledge guns about 99% of the time. Here are some examples…

A coworker noticed I didn’t have scissors and took it upon themselves to order me a new pair….which came packaged in plastic and had plastic handles. I graciously thanked my coworker for their thoughtfulness, accepted the scissors, but quietly returned them to the supplies cupboard so another coworker would claim them.

At a work sponsored conference I received a plastic binder full of wonderful paper stuff and accepted it graciously. Later, I returned the binder to the conference organizer but kept the wonderful paper stuff.

I don’t order office supplies for myself that I know contain plastic.

If I must order plastic stuff for others, I delegate it to a team member so I don’t have to break my NoNewPlasticPledge. It’s kinda cheating, but kinda not.

Here’s the 1% where I have to ease up on the NoNewPlasticPledge... when I order print materials which contain varnishes (that contain plasticizers).

• Amendment: I CAN purchase plastic on behalf of someone else if it’s for them and I’m reimbursed. DesignGuru at work asked me to stop by the local ArtEmporium and pick him up some art portfolios, which I was reimbursed for. That was okay. But when I needed a white sheet for a backdrop at a work photo shoot I was spearheading, I couldn't buy it because the sheet was packaged in plastic – so we used white paper instead.
• Amendment: I MUST re-gift plastic gifts. When a person gives me something, like a gift, which contains plastic or is packaged in plastic I accept it graciously, then re-gift it to someone else. (Hey, hang with me and you get lots of great plastic cast offs.) In some cases I return it to the giver. For example, the local phone company dropped off a new plastic-packaged phone book (which I didn’t request). By my rules, I have to return it to them, or accept the plastic as a MINOR SIN and add it to my shrine – I chose to return it.
• Amendment: I can only plead ignorance once. If I had been buying something which I honestly didn’t know had plastic in it, then I don’t count those purchases as SINS. But once I realize it contains plastic, I can’t continue to buy it without committing a MINOR or MAJOR SIN. This has occurred with soda pop, and tin cans, for example.
• Amendment: Food for TheBeast is an exception. When I started the no new plastic pledge I didn’t know most tin cans contain plastic. Once I did know, I stopped buying tin cans for myself. But I still buy them for TheBeast. Shes 18, has gum and tooth decay and can’t chew or stomach crunchies. So she’s on a diet of soft canned food. It woudn’t be right for her to suffer because of my pledge.

Original Rule #2: I CAN borrow or rent products that have plastic. So for example, I can rent DVDs, but I can’t buy DVDs.

Original Rule #3: I CAN continue to use or re-use any plastic in my possession as of Dec 31 2006.

• Clarification: When stuff gets used up, that’s when I replace it with non-plastic alternatives. Some people assume on January 1st, I threw out all my plastic stuff, and that I never use plastic. Again, let’s GET REAL. Plastic is everywhere, and in everything – I’d have to throw out most of worldly possessions. That would be totally disrespectful to Mother Earth, and would mean I’d consume a whole pile of new resources replacing stuff unnecessarily.

However, I will admit, moving to a new abode gave me a great opportunity to send alot of plastic to the Thrift Shop, or to storage. And I have given things up, or replaced things, like highlighters, and pens, and kitchen utensils before completely using up my non-plastic supply. All in an attempt to accelerate my transition to a NoPlasticAtAll existence. But, it’s gonna take a couple of years to get there.

In retrospect, this is a smart rule for anyone attempting to make such a big change in their life. It’s made the transition more bearable. If I had had to shop for non-plastic alternatives for ALL MY STUFF during the first couple of weeks, I’d have given up on this resolution way back in January.

Most of you are familiar with my plastic shrine which includes ALL the new plastic I’ve let into my life during 2007 which is now ready to be trashed or recycled. But I have a second plastic shrine, which graced these pages for the first time in January’s PROGRESS REPORT and will again in December’s PROGRESS REPORT. It includes all the plastic I had on hand as of Dec 31, 2006 which I have continued to use, and which is now ready to be trashed or recycled. I’m keeping it so at year end we can all get a good comparison of how much I’ve been able to reduce my consumption during 2007, in comparison to 2006. It’s not an exact comparison…but it’s still a good one.

Original Rule #4: CRUELTY-FREE takes precedence over plastic-free. If alternative products contain animal byproducts or have been tested on animals I'll choose the cruelty-free option over plastic-free. For example, since I don't wear leather, I'll always choose plastic 'man-made material' shoes over leather.

• Clarification: Shoes are an exemption. And it’s not because I’m one of those women who lives for shoes, which I’m not. It’s just that I knew I wasn’t going to find plastic-free shoes and I absolutely refuse to wear dead animals.

So I think that pretty much covers it. Let me know if you’ve got any questions and if you think I’m UberExtreme, or UberEasy on myself.

Plastic free: Motor Oil

Last year I took the pledge to take transit to work so MyLittleCar and I could reduce our CO2 emissions. From my new home, the commute to work takes 45-60 minutes via skytrain and bus, one way. But that’s okay, ‘cuz it’s better for the environment.

Secretly, I’m also hoping, that by taking transit I might be able to prolong the life of MyLittleCar who in car years, is quite ancient.

Oh, I know, it would be even better for the environment if I traded in my 18-year old car for a ‘good-for-the-environment’ Prius or a SmartCar, but I’m also very conscious that a whole lot of Mother Earth’s resources go into producing a car. Is it ethical to get rid of a perfectly good car (that only has 150,000 kilometers on it) and use more of Earth’s resources just to have the ‘newer better’ model? One of my pet enviropeeves is the whole ‘trade up to a newer model every 2 years’ mentality. To me, it’s the ultimate symbol of excessive consumerism and our disposable society mentality that’s causing the devastation of the planet.

And truthfully, (hold onto your shorts, ‘cuz this is where, instead of sounding like a WhackedOutEcoFreak who has grown balls, as EnviroWoman often does, I sound like a WhackedOutCrazyLady who’s lost her marbles…) I LOVE MyLittleCar. I just couldn’t bear the thought of it ever ending up in the hands of some TestosteroneTwit who might use it for one of those crash-em-up car derbys.

MyLittleCar deserves better. It’s been a faithful companion through life’s adventures and transitions. Loyal. True Blue. Trustworthy. Dependable. So like an old race-horse, it deserves a nice quiet retirement in the parkade pasture, only being taken out for a ride on the weekends.

EnviroWoman is also hoping that MyLittleCar will last long enough that it can be replaced with an electric car when those become widely available and affordable.

In the meantime, I need to take good care of MyLittleCar. And I do. Every year it passes the AirCare Test with a wide margin so I must be doing something right.

Last weekend, when MyLittleCar accompanied me on an errand, it had a nasty knock in the engine. When I checked under the hood I discovered, not only did it need oil, but also a new oil cap. EnviroWoman had a FewFriesShortOfAHappyMeal moment and not returned the oil cap to it’s locked position the last time she checked the oil. Now it was gonzo.

This proved to be a blessing in disguise.

For months now EnviroWoman has been searching for plastic-free motor oil. All to no avail. I remember metal cans of STP motor oil years ago, but nowadays, all motor oil comes in plastic containers. Instead of continuing my futile oil search, it was now time to take action.

So, I phoned my trusted mechanic Jerry, and scheduled MyLittleCar for an oil change, oil filter, and new oil cap.

Now you might recall, when I took MyLittleCar to the autobody shop to get the dent from a HitAndLeaveANote repaired, I was told the repair and repaint wasn’t possible without using plastic. So I had to cancel MyLittleCar’s visit to the auto spa. It’s just gonna have to wait until 2008 to get beautified.

But, ya gotta love my mechanic Jerry, because when I told him of EnviroWoman’s NoNewPlasticPledge, and asked if there was any way he could do an oil change without using plastic he said ‘Sure, we have a big underground tank of oil, and that’s what we’ll use.’ (Ya gotta love people who get on board with a crazy chick’s New Year’s Resolution, don’t ya?)

And the HorseshoesUpTheAss good luck continued. Because Jerry even was able to find an all metal oil cap.

So now, MyLittleCar is all gassed up. And oiled up. With no place to go.

So here’s how things add up:

Category: Motor Oil
SAINT: Jerry at Granville & Avery Autobody, here in LaLaLand. Not just a wonderfully honest and excellent mechanic, but a guy whose willing to cater to a WhackedOutEcoFreak. If you ever need to shop for a new mechanic, call Jerry. I've been going to him for 13 years
Price: More expensive than changing or topping up the oil yourself
Quality: The same
SINNERs: Shell Nautilus/Formula, Motor Master, PJ1, Troy Bilt, Quaker State, Mobil, Havoline, Autolab, Pennzoil, Castrol, Valvoline

Lessons Learned:

• The real problem isn’t the car. We like to blame others for the muck our planet is in. We point the finger at cars and say ‘There’s too many cars, it’s their fault.' We point the finger at car makers and say ‘They don’t make green cars, it’s their fault.’ We point the finger at cows and say ‘There are too many COWS, that fart, it’s their fault.' Some whackos even say ‘There’s too many people making and using plastic, it’s their fault.' Silly us…the real cause of global warming, and disappearing ocean life, and pine-park beetle ravaged forests, and endangered species and probably almost all the other ailments in the world….is that there are too many humans. And that’s our fault. What we really need to do, each and every one of us… is just stop breeding.

Plastic free: Grapes

When EnviroWoman first decided on her New Year’s Resolution back in December 2006, she intentionally didn’t give a whole lot of thought to what she’d have to give up. In a way, she wanted it to be a surprise. She limited her forethought to those things she really loved and didn’t think she could live without.

But for most everything else, it’s been a year of surprises. Chocolate – hmmm, big cramp in that addiction. Meat substitutes – a no go for all of 2007. Crackers – fewer carb binges in her future. C’est la vie.

One day in February, as she was hunting Safeway for one of her all time favorite foods, globe grapes, she came to another sad realization. Globe grapes were gonna be off limits.

Yeah, it’s freaky isn’t it? It’s fruit. The brain synapses don’t naturally link ‘grapes’ with ‘plastic’ do they? But the grape growers and supermarket produce guys sure do. Green grapes, red grapes, black grapes, and globe grapes….all come nestled in plastic packaging.

In a way, EnviroWoman can see the rationale of this. Unless tethered, those wee little fruit beauties have a tendency to jump outta shopping carts and wire baskets and do kamakze dive bombs to the supermarket floor. But rational or not, it bummed EnviroWoman out majorly to find out those ambrosial beauties wouldn’t be part of her diet for 2007.

And then, one day in August, as she was scoping out the produce market in her new ‘hood’ she came across red globe grapes - completely plastic-free. Stacked carefully in green cardboard containers with not an iota of plastic in sight.

So she stockpiled. Yes indeedy, MyLittleWireShoppingBasket did runneth over.

Now, word traveled fast that EnviroWoman had an abnormally large quantity of grapes on hand. And even better - she was cruelty-free too.

Because every fruit fly in LaLaLand, (whose population has multiplied several thousandfold above normal levels because of a 7 week long city-wide garbage strike) has been paying EnviroWoman’s new realm a visit. She can practically hear them pounding on the fridge door and demanding‘Let us in, let us in’ in that same 'help me help me' voice from The Fly. All smug and bold, knowing that no harm will come their way in her household.

Yuppers, those little drosophila darlings have it made!

Lessons Learned:

• Small victories and abundance must be savoured, relished, celebrated, and shared. Even with fruitflies.
• Life is full of surprises. Some nice. Some not so nice.

PROGRESS REPORT: Jun/Jul/Aug

I’ve finished month #8 living the ‘no-new-plastic’ pledge. It’s been a while since I reported on my progress. Been busy holidaying, moving, then unpacking. But still living the NoNewPlasticPledge (except for those couple of days visiting kinfolk…but more on that later).

As you can see, I’ve added substantially to my plastic shrine (which contains all the new plastic I’ve let into my life during 2007 that’s ready for recycling or the trash. To give you some context, the round dark brown thing is a coffee lid from Tim Horton's).

Actually, let me rephrase that….OTHER PEOPLE have added substantially to my plastic shrine.

Here are the most notable additions:

Brown Packing tape: nope, not from moving, but from a package sent in the mail from loving female kinfolk. Now, if you’re like most people, don’t ya just love getting parcels in the mail? Alas, not if you’re EnviroWoman. ‘Cuz EnviroWoman knows that they usually contain some wonderful little object wrapped in plastic, or in the case of this particular package – swaddled in packing tape.

My heart nearly broke when I saw that package arrive. Especially since the kinfolk knew I was living the no-new-plastic-pledge. But how can I expect them to be ever-conscious of how pervasive plastic is, when EnviroWoman has her own share of plastic-blonde moments? I’d look like a total a-hole if I sent it ‘Return to Sender’ like I do with most of my plastic packaged mail. So I had to keep it and claim it as my own.

And it gets worse. Inside that package were 2 lovely little jackets, both size zero (so hard to find)….one made entirely out of plastic (well ya know, nylon, rayon, polyester) with plastic buttons (a total, yet pretty, SINNER). And one, entirely 100% cotton with metal buttons (yippee a total, and pretty SAINT). One SINNER, one SAINT. The story of my life in 2007.

So the rule is, I gotta regift the SINNER so it doesn’t count. It’s a tad too small anyhoo. I’d bust a seam in no time. So a skinny-minny friend will get be to be the happy recipient of a ‘re-gift’

Clear packing tape: two instances occurred whereby OTHERS brought clear tape into my life.

1. Let me set the stage...it’s the end of July, and my little plastic shrine is pretty darn sparse. I’m busting with pride. I’ve even managed to go through my whole move without using hardly any new plastic (see #2)….so I get back to work from taking some time off to move….and discover my boss and her husband have sabotaged my work area – decorating it in a moving motif – the filing cabinets were all wrapped up in kraft paper to look like beat up moving boxes. There was a beat up box marked FRAGILE and one with HANDLE WITH CARE and another with ‘THIS SIDE IS UP’ written upside down. My phone was all wrapped up, as was my chair. There were ‘BOXED UP ENERGY’, and ‘HOPE CHEST’ and OLD TAX FILES – 1965 to 2003 (Hey I’m not that old!!!)….and even CHOCOLATE fake boxes. Even pizza coupons and a MOVING TO DO LIST which included ‘Remember TheBeast!’ It was an absolute hoot. I laughed myself silly for a solid 10 minutes when I saw it. Alas, they used scads and scads of clear packing tape. Now, I know THEY used the tape. But they used it for ME, so it counts as my SIN. And there’s no way I can ‘regift’ used packing tape. So there’s a big wad of clear packing tape in my shrine now as a memorial to moving. But ya know, Gotta love the boss (She is TheBestBoss). Gotta love the bosses’ husband.
2. As I mentioned, I made it through the entire move without using any new plastic – almost. Admittedly, I did use packing tape and plastic I still had in my life as of Dec 31, 2006 (that’s acceptable by my rules), but when that ran out…I had to use ‘plastic-free’ alternatives. This meant instead of using boxes that folded into shape and which required taping, I had to resort to:

• apple and orange boxes which came pre-glued and with a lid (very smart way to go for a plastic-free move – don’t require any tape or string, and most come with side holes for ‘save-yer-back’ picking up), or
• boxes that folded into shape, and instead of taping them shut, just folding the flaps in on themselves so they kept contents safe. Or so we hoped. Alas, the frozen food (one of the last things ya pack, right?) made it into one of these boxes. And the moisture and the cold made the box flaps unstable. I had warned the moving guys ‘WackedoutEcoFreak here has a new year’s resolution I expect you to abide by…no new plastic. This means you can’t use packing tape, and you can’t use shrink wrap. Only blankets, only string.’ Great guys that they were, they abided by the rules….except for that box of frozen food, which eventually gave way, and spilled frozen goodies all over the back of the truck. This occurred at the exact moment I happened to be looking at the truck from an upstairs window…and what to my astonishing eyes did I see…but MovingMan using packing tape to rebind the box. I wrapped on the window. He looked up at me doefully, caught in the act. Sheepishly in fact…then threw the tape into the back of the truck with a ‘who me?’ look on his face. So I had to claim the plastic packing tape from that box.

Plastic clothing hooks. Those who read EnviroWoman know that she purchased a new home. Alas, new homes have plastic. The previous owner had a love-affair with Rubbermaid plastic clothes hooks – those handy-dandy ones that use double sided tape to stick to the wall. EnviroWoman loathes them. They are ‘too-too plastic’ so she’s removed them from closets and bathroom doors. Because they can’t be regifted, they must be recycled, and so now live in her plastic shrine.

Good Plastic Fortune these past couple of months

Anyway, despite all of this here has been some good plastic fortune in the past couple of months :

• Moving into a new neighbourhood that has one fantastic fresh produce market (whose tellers thinks MyLittleWireBasket and plastic-free way of shopping is so eco-nouveau) and even better…two fresh produce farms (grow their own, and plastic free, gotta love that). This has lead to the discovery of plastic-free cauliflower and grapes. A cause for celebration and gluttonous feasting.
• Finding mascara that’s as plastic-free as I’m gonna find. Plus cruelty-free. And that the wee beady eyes don’t seem to adversely react to.
• Seeing others follow in EnviroWoman's footsteps. I think I was the first to go plastic-free, but now there are other fellow bloggers that have taken the pledge in the past couple of months. That’s kind of exciting. The start of a new wave of consumerism – begun right here in LaLaLand.
• Body lotion. EnviroWench had to travel to far away lands to find it, but she finally did, after months and months of searching. Her skin was getting pretty dry, so she found it just in the nick of time.
• Pileated Woodpecker. Okay, this has absolutely nothing to do with plastic. But I saw a Pileated Woodpecker in my new neighbourhood last week. I haven’t seen one since I was a kid camping in the Cariboo. I thought it was a Flicker when I first heard it calling in the forest….and then this prehistoric thing wafted out across the road. Could you hear EnviroWoman squealing with glee? What a fabulous new neighbourhood.
• Plastic-free chocolate. There are 2, count ‘em 2, places in the new neighbourhood that carry Cadbury’s Fruit and Nut bars that come packaged in the old fashioned paper and foil wrapping. EnviroWoman is in her glory. Like I said....What a fabulous new neighbourhood.
  

Plastic Challenges these past couple of months.

• Clothes. I put off buying new clothes for six months until I knew which fabrics were plastic-based (nylon, polyester, rayon, viscose, spandex, etc). And then I dove in. I managed to buy all cotton clothes except for a beautiful summer coat that was wool with an acetate lining (but no plastic buttons). I wonder if it will be as easy when winter hits.
• Visiting kinfolk. EnviroWoman TheVegetarian is hard enough for kinfolk to deal with. So she keeps her cruelty-free and plastic-free way of life quite quiet. Don’t want to make it too much of a challenge to have her as a house guest. So when visiting country cousins I had to throw a moratorium on living plastic free for a couple of days. I quietly practiced my ways, avoiding bottled water, and pop, and yogurt, unbeknownst to the relatives, but wasn’t quite as a-retentive as I usually am…there was that one bag of chips which had that plasticy-foily wrapping which CountryCousin was serving up that I guiltily enjoyed.
  

MINOR SINS for June/July/August 2007

I can’t blame all my accumulated plastic on others. Admittedly, I’m guilty of adding some of it myself:

• Soya sauce jar lid
• 2 toothpaste caps
• a little plastic gizmo they put in the center of pizza box to prevent the lid from squishing the toppings. I learned quickly when ordering to say ‘hey, can ya do EnviroWoman a favour and not include that little plastic doodad?’ And ya know, THEY DON’T. Gotta love the Panago Pizza.
• Plastic pour spout from an olive oil jar (wasn’t expecting that one, I thought I’d really lucked out when I found olive oil with a metal lid and glass jar, who knew the evil plastic was lurking under the lid)
• A plastic-foily wrapper that came inside a cardboard-packaged bar of Swiss chocolate. Damn! Even chocolate is turning against me!
• One little plastic cello doodad from a sandwich’s fancy toothpick
• Five little plastic t-thingys that attach sales tags to clothes
• Tampon wrappers - now some of you ladies don't understand this one....but I bought them way back in January and I gotta use 'em up before shopping for non-plastic alteratives.
  

MAJOR SINs for July, August, September 2007

• A new home and the crap-lode of plastic appliances, light switches, floorboard trim, shelving etc which comes with it. And those nasty clothing hooks.
• Paint scraper blades, packaged in plastic. Hey, I’m still desparate to get that fireplace glass clean. Nothing’s working. Not even the steamer.

Challenges ahead:

• Telephone batteries. My little portable phone is nearly dead. I can talk for about 10 seconds, then it craps out. Replacement batteries come packaged in plastic. I may have to become a recluse.
• Protein. My place for bulk tofu-buying has let me down. I discovered it’s not so ‘bulk’ after all. All they do is take a 5-pack, packaged in plastic, and break it apart. I’m not really saving any plastic buying it this way. I rebounded quickly from this disappointment and thought I had found an alterative - a fab fab FAB fresh edamame salad from the local mega-store deli that would fill up my corn-based-bio-plastic container from home, rather than using one of their plastic ones. They were cooperative several times, but turned me down ‘for health reasons’ the last time I made a protein pit stop there. I suspect I’m starting to get protein deficient now. I’ve been suffering with a cold and a lot of jaw pain (do I hear ‘root canals’) for the past two weeks, and don’t seem to be able to overcome either. But, I'm positive I'll survive another 4 months.

Plastic free: Body Lotion - Part 1

The Knight of the EcoFSC-CertifiedRoundTable
A modern take on an ancient tale

Once upon a time, long, long ago, in the faraway kingdom of LaLaLandalot there lived a mighty ruler, King McDreamy. He was a handsome man with the bluest sky blue eyes, and the softest skin - velvety smooth like a new born rabbit’s. Just like his Mother’s.

McDreamy was much loved by his people. He was a benevolent king. Fair-minded. Charismatic in a self-effacing way. Visionary. And wordly. He believed in peace and harmony among all living things.

McDreamy’s compassion was borne of tragedies endured in his youth. When just a boy of ten, his father died unsuspectingly. And then some years later his brother, whom McDreamy loved dearly, fell to his death from the castle tower. Some whispered the brother had not fallen, but sadly, had jumped, unable to handle the pressures of the impending throne that was surely his.

McDreamy fell into such a deep despair upon his brother’s death that, despite still being just a young man, his hair turned frost white – as if magically kissed by snow angels. His mother, TheQueen, could not console him.

So, disillusioned and confused, McDreamy left LaLaLandalot, foresaking TheQueen and all who loved him, to seek the meaning of life and death. He hoped renewed joy, happiness and a sense of purpose awaited him beyond his own kingdom’s realm.

Instead, McDreamy only found more confusion, chaos, suffering, and despair. His travels took him to war torn impoverished lands, where people foolishly victimized each other for belonging to different tribes or different gods – even though they shared the same color of skin. He witnessed terrible injustices that man made against man, against woman, against animals, and against nature. So terrible that every recess of McDreamy’s soul screamed in revulsion.

He saw barren, scalped landscapes where Natures’ bounty had been ravished by man’s gluttony. On the rare occasions when he spotted a bird or honeybee in flight, his heart leapt, overjoyed that he had been blessed with a glimpse of the phenomenal beauty of Nature. And at the same time, his heart would bleed in silent pain with the realization that these now rare creatures were ominous portends of impending doom to all.

He vowed, when he returned to his homeland, none of this would ever be allowed in LaLaLandalot. That he, McDreamy, would make LaLaLandalot an Eden, a Nirvana. Where Man and Nature lived in harmony. As it was meant to be. An example for all others lands to follow.

And so it came to pass, after many years of absence, he returned to LaLaLandalot. With a new level of appreciation for his homeland. And a devotion to protect LaLaLandalot from the outside forces of the world and the inside forces of man.

The Queen was elated. The people celebrated. Even nature rejoiced.

McDreamy’s return heralded LaLaLandalot’s GoldenGreenAge. For McDreamy set forth new laws for the land. Three simple laws in fact….that made all the difference.

FirstLaw: Equality for all.
SecondLaw: Cruelty for none.
ThirdLaw: Harmony with Nature.

And King McDreamy walked his talk. To prove the FirstLaw ‘Equality for all’ he established the Knights of the EcoFSC-CertifiedRoundTable, where all men who sat at it had an equal voice in how LaLaLand was governed. And all men had an equal opportunity to become a Knight. Maybe even a King. Bloodlines didn’t matter. Deeds did.

Sir Bono became a knight after establishing a program that raised buckets of ducats for people suffering from TheDreadedDisease. Sir Paul’s knighthood was bestowed when he convinced the entire kingdom to adopt a BeastFreeDiet. Sir Al earned his chair at the EcoFSC-CertifiedRoundTable for his brave attempts to pacify the GlobalWarmingDragons. Sir David was knighted for his heroic efforts to teach the people about TheNatureofThings….In all there were 12 Knights of the EcoFSC-Certified Round Table. All brave, noble men.

And there in lies the rub. ALL brave, noble MEN!

Now, this really was starting to stick in EnviroWench’s craw. Although she was merely a lowly kitchen maid in McDreamy’s court, she knew women were just as capable of performing brave, noble deeds that saved humankind and the planet. She believed a wench had every right to be a Knight. Maybe even a King.

But the only time EnviroWench, or any other damsel for that matter, came close to the EcoFSC-CertifiedRoundTable was when they polished it, cleaned it, and removed the dirty dishes after those brave, noble men had had a night of revelry and feasting.

In the dark recesses of EnviroWench’s wishful-thinking, TheSecret-indoctrinated mind, she had been harbouring, for quite some time, the delicious dream of becoming LaLaLandalot’s very first female Knight.

But what brave, noble deed could she perform that would earn a Knighthood?

Then, by divine inspiration, the answer came to her.

And so, one day, when McDreamy happened to be strolling through her little treasured and wild part of the kingdom she hailed to him, ‘Noble King, will thou not rest a while in my wee cottage here by the river. I can offer thee a sweet drink of lemon-ale and the loveliest of honeybreads.’

'Ah, EnviroWench, thou art a temptress….only a fool could resist sweet honeybread.' replied McDreamy

And so, the two sat on the porch, feasting on EnviroWench’s delicacies, watching the river meander by, and TheBeast chase dragonflies, and the cedar waxwings feed unfortunate mosquitoes to their voracious nestlings.

A quietness fell upon them as they both silently revered Nature in its abundance. All was right in the world.

For a fleeting moment EnviroWench eyes strayed from the river, and onto McDreamy. ‘Up close, he really is a marvel of a man. Though not handsome, he is indeed striking. His eyes art as blue as the flax flowers growing in the sheep pasture. And his hair, so white, like the snow that settles in the valley in December. And his skin…no wonder why the women in the village whisper ‘He’s so McVelvety’ when he walks by.'

And at that exact same fleeting moment, McDreamy was thinking ‘Me wonders what the CourtCook is serving for supper tonight.’

And then the time was ripe for EnviroWench to be bold.

‘King McDreamy, why art there no wenchs sitting at the EcoFSC-CertifiedRoundTable? Surely it is not because thou thinkest them incapable of worthy deeds. Afterall, thine own mother, TheQueen ruled LaLaLandalot quite capably for many years after the death of thy noble father, proving to all that the fairer sex is capable of great strength and wisdom.’

This boldness, coming from such a wee wisp of a woman, startled King McDreamy. Clearly she was leading him into dangerous territory. But he knew EnviroWench was a woman pure of heart. So decided to humour her.

'Thou asketh an excellent question EnviroWench. Me thinks of mineself as a SensitiveNewGoldenGreenAgeGuy. Afterall, did not I invoke the FirstLaw ‘Equality for All’. If any wench in LaLaLandalot, pray, thee for example, was to perform a noble enough deed, that wench would surely be considered for a Knighthood. What kind of noble deed do thou supposest a damsel could perform to earn a knighthood?'

The tables had turned. Now he lead her into dangerous territory.

‘Perhaps she could help rid LaLaLandalot of plastic. Afterall, ‘tis a blight on our kingdom. ‘Tis out of step with the ThirdLaw ‘Harmony with Nature’. The wench could seeketh out more Nature-friendly alternatives. And show the people how to live plastic-free. And cruelty-free. Surely Sir Al and Sir David would support that. Might even thee and TheQueen.’

McDreamy could not hold back his shocked laughter. This wench had balls! ‘Indeed EnviroWench that would surely be a deed worthy of a Knighthood! Thinketh of it. But how would LaLaLandalots carry squash, carrots and lettuce from the marketplace? What would dairymaids place milk, curds and whey in? And what of hair salve…and soap…and paste for teeth? What would the citizens buy? Why, what body salve would the Queen and I use to keep our royal skin so soft?'

‘Say the word King, and I am on the quest.’

'Then take up the cause EnviroWench.' replied McDreamy. 'Prove your mettle. Show thy King thee art worthy of a Knighthood. I challenge thee to go forth into the world and bring TheQueen and I back a plastic-free cruelty-free body salve.’

And so the next day, at the crack of dawn, with a heart filled with anticipation and trepidation, EnviroWench went into the garden and dug up the jar of ducats she had stashed there, put the leftover honeybread, lemon-ale and a few essentials into a satchel, grabbed her willow basket, kissed TheBeast goodbye, and set out upon MyLittleSteed to begin the quest of a lifetime….

Stay tuned for Part 2 of The Knights of the EcoFSC-CertifiedRoundTable.

What do you think….will EnviroWench ever find a plastic-free body lotion?
Will she become the very first wench to sit at the EcoFSC-CertifiedRoundTable.
And….you know you’re thinking it..will she and King McDreamy fall in love?
Can you guess what will happen?
What misfortunes and perils do you think will fall upon EnviroWench in this epic journey?