My health, a tightrope walk

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Last night I said to my husband, it’s almost like my body is like hey! I told you I couldn’t have babies! I told you not to do it! Now look what you did!!!!

I’m fine, I’m fine, honestly.

But my thyroid, kaput.

My blood sugar, kaput.

My mental health, kaput.

I’m fine, I’m fine.

I finished nursing back in October when Smushy was 26 months old.  We stopped nursing very abruptly when I changed the bedtime routine, by moving Smushy into Apple and Banana’s room, and suddenly bedtime didn’t include nursing anymore.

Then EVERYTHING CRASHED.

I had been on a diet since March (So, March 2017) and had been losing weight. Stopped. Then gained.

My period started coming every 2 weeks and lasted for almost 2 weeks.

My mental health declined. Like a lot. I mean imagine having your period half of the time, beginning at unpredictable times, ruining all your favorite underwear until you just give up and buy all black undies.  Plus the kids were constantly sick, someone was home from school every single week, I was LOSING MY MIND.

Smushy started preschool this year which should have been a huge blessing, and it was, but it was also a super time crunch.  She was only there for 2 hours, 3x/week. My entire life, my whole day, was segmented into 90 minute intervals, where I had to be in a different location every 90 minutes, which meant I could not do anything for very long, could not settle into any activity, could not meet any friends.  Plus, CONSTANT SICK KIDS.

My body crashed.

This spring I have been very proactive. I got many blood tests with my thyroid doctor and got that sorted. I told my OBGYN about my periods, and she said it could be due to my thyroid issues, and may fix itself, but also maybe I want to consider an IUD. And I started working with a new therapist, who strongly believes I have OCD and have always had OCD but times of stress bring up some really negative things like things I have been experiencing that I haven’t talked about here.

Not to mention last August I hurt my back and was out of commission for an entire week. And now sometimes my back feels sensitive. And my leg muscles hurt if I don’t do stretches almost every day. AND I AM CONSTANTLY HAVING TO GO PEE.

So I have my whole team working on all my health issues but honestly it feels like such a tightrope walk.

I am so so stringent with my diet. And it’s still a massive struggle not to gain. I want to lose, but I REALLY don’t want to gain. I am terrified of type 2 diabetes, maybe this is part of my OCD, but I have a number in mind that is like the threshold that I cannot cross, and I have been hovering there, and I really would like to lose more weight so I can be comfortably below the threshold so like one day I could eat a brownie every once in a while without worrying.

My body is soooooo sensitive.  It’s soooo frustrating and feels so unfair.  For the rest of my life I’m going to be on this special diet. For the rest of my life I am going to be tweaking my thyroid pills.  And when my thyroid is off, it takes like 3 months to regulate again, in the meantime causing weight gain, mood issues, constant periods.

My therapist is strongly encouraging me to consider getting medication for my mental health and I am resistant. I understand why and I can see how it would be helpful but I am already taking so many medications it feels like, and carefully charting my health and my body in every way.  Still noticing every symptom and trying to figure out what all of it means. Except now there’s no handy app and nothing I can test at home myself for, except I guess blood sugar, but I’m NOT going there unless I have to. (My blood sugar is being regularly tested with my thyroid and all seems well but I truly believe that’s because I’m on this special diet, and if I ate normally I would be talking medication for that too.)

I know it could be worse, obviously. I’m functioning and everyone who sees me says I have “it” all together.  But I feel like I’ve tied “it” all together with a very tight and thin string! Through sheer force of will!

You look tired. You don’t complain. What??

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I guess I don’t interact with people very much but two incidents with young men today made me feel pretty terrible.

First, at the gas station, I always go to this gas station, it is right by my house and it is full service.  I roll down the window and the attendant says hi how are you, and I said fill it up regular please … OH and Hi! how are you sorry!  And he said, oh it’s okay, probably just too tired right?  And then I felt bad, because just because he is the attendant at the gas station like why don’t I feel like I should be pleasant and polite.

Then he comes back to the window and takes my card, and comes back, and is like, I hope you are going home now to have some rest, like real rest!  And at first I was like oh that is nice.  I said, oh yeah I stayed up late last night baking a cake for no good reason and now I’m paying for it!  And then he said, yeah you can tell, around your eyes … and I was like oh … okay well have a good day and then I left, and I was still smiling, and then I was embarrassed I was smiling, and went home and looked at myself in the mirror.

Do I look tired?

I mean I guess I do.

What does that even mean.  I AM tired.  But I think I look okay.

It doesn’t make anyone feel good for someone to say they look tired.  And I didn’t mind at first because it seemed pleasant but then to go into detail about how I looked tired, like really, it made me feel bad about myself.

…

And then I was picking my kids up from camp.  Apple is in the boys group and Banana is in the girls group.  They have been separated for the first time ever because of gender separation of summer camp in the entering-kindergarten summer for some reason.  I guess that merits its own post another time.

Anyway I saw the head boys’ group counselor involved in a tense conversation with another mom.  I have to sign my kids out before they can leave, so I was going to go over to sign Apple out, but saw that the counselor – J – was busy, so waited.  And when he came over I said, is everything okay?  And he said, oh yeah sure … and then he said, See, I look forward to seeing YOU come over!  and I said, oh haha thanks haha.  And he said, Yeah, because you don’t complain about things so much!  Apple is great and there’s nothing to complain about! (and then he quickly added, don’t tell anyone I said that!)

And I was like oh.. okay… and then I changed the subject.

I’m not going to tell anyone he said that because I know it was unprofessional and obviously he knew too.  I mean he’s probably like 20 years old – MAYBE.  So whatever. I’m not offended.

But I Was like, I don’t complain ??  I can’t really explain why this makes me feel bad.  Like it’s a good thing I don’t complain?  As a parent?

I just love camp and I miss it, I am excited for the kids to be at camp doing all these fun things, when I pick them up I can’t wait to hear about their day.  It’s not that there’s a lack of complaining, and there are some things that aren’t great about camp, but my expectations are different and the summer is short.  But maybe it’s also because Apple keeps to himself mostly and doesn’t have behavioral issues that it’s easier for me not to get too involved in the staff for the summer.

I’m not sure why I’m posting this here but I am.

One baby and two hands

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I took Smushy to the pool last week, just the two of us.  I can’t believe how easy it felt to take one child to the pool.  

We were in the water less than 5 minutes after entering the pool area.  When it was time to go I just wrapped her up in a towel and we left.  All our stuff fit into one very small tote bag.  I was like … is this what having one baby is like?!?!?!

With A&B everything has always been such work, such planning, such effort.  They are very wonderful kids but having two babies / two toddlers was so hard.  Now it is easier that they are older so I have two big kids and one baby.  But it is still a lot of planning and effort to do a thing.  

It felt almost criminally easy, like I was forgetting something critical and it would all fall to pieces.  I forgot to bring her clothes, I forgot to pack wipes, things like that.  I was so worried it was going to be a disaster because of those things.  But it wasn’t.  I wasn’t totally prepared to do the thing we were doing, and it was fine.  Because with one baby and two hands, I feel like I can manage anything.  

Sometimes, many times, I feel like the experience of having one baby has been so so so healing for me, you don’t realize the trauma of twins until you are faced with one baby, and all the situations that used to make me so anxious and upset come and go without much of a blip.

(I wrote this in an email to a friend, it felt like TMI, so I put it here instead, unedited…)

CD 8!!?

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I GOT MY PERIOD.

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I got my period!

I did!

A little more than two months ago I was in my OBGYN office and she asked if I had had a postpartum period yet and I said no, I am still nursing.  She had me come in for an ultrasound just to check and make sure everything looked all right, and then after that said well you look fine so come to me when you’re finished nursing and we’ll get you on hormones and induce a period and yadda yadda.

She asked, do you ever get periods on your own?

I said, well, the only time I got regular cycles was when I was on a very low gl.yce.mic index diet and was exercising every day… I lost a bunch of weight and my cycle came back.

She said, well….???

Then I was angry and depressed for a couple of days, then went back on my super strict diet.  I’ve lost a few pounds.  I’ve started exercising every day.  And then, two months later, my cycle returned!

I am at my lowest weight I have seen since before I got pregnant.  I don’t remember what I weighed before I got pregnant so I won’t know exactly when I get back to that number but I do know what I weighed at my lowest since Apple and Banana were born, so that is my current target.

Smushy is still nursing twice a day though she doesn’t need it.  We skip it on Sunday mornings now so I can go to hot yoga while Mr. Brightside gets everyone up and feeds them pancakes (it’s much nicer for me not to be around for pancakes, also).  I think my body is holding onto weight while nursing.  I know I lost a bunch of weight after I stopped nursing last time, but that was also around the time that my thyroid started working better.

I did this same diet when I was tying to lose weight when we were trying to get pregnant the first time.  I couldn’t do phas.e 1 because I found it to be unhealthy and couldn’t get through a workout without getting light headed.  This time, after having done this diet before, and also having had ge.stat.tional di.abe.tes, I am more equipped to be on a strict low carb diet.  It was still hard for those two weeks and my stomach made crazy weird noises, but this time I got through it.

Also, remember how sad I was two weeks ago … Someone (compassionately) mentioned it could be my period, do I get regular periods, is there a chance?  I said, there’s no way for me to know!!!  I never get a period!!  So who knows what my hormones are doing!

Anyway, there you have it.  Diet and exercise for the win.

(And the fact that I am only now writing this one week after my period started shows you what life is like right now and how often I get to sit down to write!  Actually Apple is home sick right now but I’ve set him up with some paint and a gigantic piece of paper, and Smushy is asleep, so I can have a few minutes on the computer!!)

A good day

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Woke up and the scale gave me the lowest number I’ve seen in years.

Went to hot yoga and got a fantastic workout, much harder than I expected, so hard, so much sweat.

Came home and was presented with cards and cards and cards.

Showered and ate breakfast in the quiet of an empty house.

Played piano as loud as I wanted.

Family came home with flowers (correction: a new plant! with flowers!) and the right size marshmallows.

While baby napped, took big girl with me to the garden store for plants to fill the empty pots outside.

Baby still sleeping, the rest of us made s’mores, roasting the marshmallows over a flame like they’re supposed to be, not microwaved s’mores.

Rainy afternoon inside, then the rain cleared and we went back outside until time to make dinner.

Early bedtime.  TV for grownups.  Time for two episodes of B.uff.y!

Clean and prep for the week and bed…

A nice day for M.ot.her’s Day. 🙂

Smell memory, long thoughts

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I had a weird smell memory last night while I was cleaning up after the kids.

I’ve had a rough week in a way I can’t really explain very well.  Sometimes I get sad.  I was sad this week.  Being home full time wears you down in a weird way.  I don’t think I was sleeping well, either.  I’ve been on a diet and trying to exercise more.  I’ve been taking time to get off the computer and read my books more.  I’ve been gardening.  I’ve been cleaning and organizing my home.  I have been doing all of the things available to me, all of the things that usually make me feel better, but I still felt sad.

Climbing out of the sad hole is not something I have the power to do right now, I just have to wait for it to pass.  My time is extremely limited.  I’m doing all that I can.  So when I get sad, I just have to do my best to ride it out.

Sad, why, I don’t know, I just sometimes get sad that my entire daily existence is working in tasks that get undone.  Washing things and cooking things only to wake up and do it again.  Every day the same with no visible progress.  Nothing completed, only maintained.

So I get sad sometimes.

I changed my sleep number (thank goodness for this bed, seriously) and maybe that helped, I’m still having dreams but I got a bit better sleep.  So that helps.

And then last night I was cleaning up and I got a weird smell memory.  While I was pregnant with Smushy I had this weird smell / taste that I could not get rid of.  It seemed to be hormonally linked because this is not a taste I can identify, not a taste I’ve ever tasted before.  It was in my nose and mouth, it made everything taste weird, it made everything smell weird.  It was an irritating smell, my nose hurt sometimes from it, sometimes I got a headache.  It lasted for weeks, constantly.

Somehow I got that smell in my nose again last night.  I had forgotten about that smell / taste, and then I got it in my nose while I was cleaning, and I thought, wow what a weird familiar smell??  It took me a few minutes to place it.

I told my husband about it and he joked, you’re not pregnant are you??  And I was like, would have to be a miracle.

Then I thought, what if I was pregnant?  Should I take a test?  I thought about it and I almost took one this morning.  But I did not take a test.  It would literally have to be a miracle.

It did make me think again, do I want another baby, do I want to do this again.  When Smushy was still very little and still not sleeping through the night I was desperate that we should definitely have another baby.  I was desperate that this should not be my last baby.  I thought, over and over again, as I was awake in the middle of the night nursing, that I needed to do this one more time.  I literally had this image of my body acting as a portal into this world and there was another person knocking, wanting to come in.

But now Smushy is 20 months old.  (20 months! Acting like a 2.5yr old though!)

Smushy will be in preschool next year, just three times a week for about 2 hours.  And the big kids will be in kindergarten (!!).  I’m just starting to see the light, just starting to see a future for myself, a future where I won’t only have to be involved in childcare and the litany of maintenance tasks involved in that.

Part of me is terrified of that future because I do not know what I would do.  Of course, three times a week for 2 hours is not enough time to do much of anything except be alone with myself, which I am very much looking forward to.  But the year following that is when she will be in a proper program, like three to five days a week for four hours, that is a real amount of time, right?

When Apple and Banana were this age we were trying again, and considering doctors, and I had made an appointment for September (or maybe not yet, but I was about to).  I was charting, and temping, and tracking, and peeing on things.  So when I got the smell memory, it was like I was thinking, okay time to get started again!

But it’s not time to get started again.  Because I think about how on Monday I sat down on the kitchen floor at dinner time, while my three beautiful children played happily (!!!) in another room, and I sat on the floor and just cried very quietly.  Just feeling sad.  Made another dinner. Going to do another bedtime.  Going to stay up late again and be tired tomorrow.  It was too much.  I just sat and cried for a few minutes, and breathed, and waited for my husband to come home.

This isn’t an emergency.  I don’t want to see a therapist right now.  I just think, well, it is not the right thing to do, not the time to try for another baby, if we ever do.  I think that I am five years into this stay at home mom project, and I am realistically looking at two more years.  And seven years will be the longest I’ve ever been at a job, and it is a long time, and this job is a particularly lonely and frustrating one.  Having another baby will extend the time that I am home-bound.

My husband says he would be fine with another baby but he doesn’t feel any sense of urgency.  When we had the two, we both felt like we should go for a third.  But now it’s like, three is a great number…

The smell memory made me think, would I want another baby right now?  I think if I found out I was miraculously pregnant I would be overjoyed.  I would be so grateful to get to do this one more time.  But I would also steel myself for another 3-4 years of being home, while watching colleagues and classmates and friends and neighbors expand their world as mine stays the same – or shrinks, as my stay at home mom friends go back to work or move away.  At the same time, having a baby would postpone the year that will eventually arrive, when the kids are all in school, and I am left holding the proverbial ball thinking … and now what do I do?

You can’t try to have a baby because you are afraid of your life coming back to you.  I think I am reaching the end of my ability to stay home, of my patience, of my putting-myself-last-ness.  I think I am reaching a point where I recognize that I am at my limit.  I think it makes me sad to think that this is the end of something.  That I might be done trying to have more babies.  That chapter of my life, trying to conceive, was such a big, important, intense chapter, that I don’t know – how do you know it is closing?  How do you know it is over?

Nothing has to be decided now.  The smell memory just made me have these thoughts.  So weird.

18 months?!

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HOW.

My baby is so old.

She’s 18 months but she seems like a 2 year old.  She speaks in full sentences.  “Uh oh!  The granola bar fell over here,” is what I heard from the back seat yesterday.  She can do things my big kids could not do at this age, like she learned how to use a scooter after a few minutes of instruction, and is trying to pedal a small bike.  She uses fork and spoon, can eat soup and yogurt like a big kid.  She’s trying to teach herself her colors.

My big kid!  When did that happen?!

 

Likes

  • Talking all the time
  • Learning to do anything that the big kids are doing
  • Singing songs, making up new songs
  • Talking to the toys, having the toys talk to each other, having toys kiss each other haha
  • Being carried a lot everywhere still! 🙂
  • Running away at nap time
  • Sharing my food, always suspicious I’m having secret chocolate
  • Bath
  • Nursing still 🙂
  • Going down the slide over and over and over again
  • Swinging at the indoor gym
  • Watching movies with me during lunch time (just finished F.in.din.g D.or.y)
  • Brushing her teeth with the big kids
  • Taking off her shirt by herself, and trying to put it back on
  • Putting things on her head to play peek a boo
  • Petting the cats, who actually let her do it, huge shock to me!
  • Play d.oh and building towers with blocks
  • Climbing everywhere
  • Reading books
  • Putting “ee” at the end of every word even when it doesn’t make much sense “Book-ee” “Pick-ee up-ee” “Fall down-ee”

Dislikes

  • ….I’m not really sure what she dislikes?  Going to the doctor?  This is one of the happiest kids.
  • When someone other than me or my husband wipes her nose, that’s one.

…

I love that she is still nursing.  Just first thing in the morning and bedtime now.  And sometimes if she’s hungry and cranky when we are out I’ll offer to nurse.  And at the pool, this is routine now, to nurse while the big kids are swimming.

Of course, while she’s nursing, she is flopping around and generally being enormous.  This morning I realized that her entire body used to be the length of what is now just her head and torso.  I was holding her while nursing, she likes to still nurse across my body like she always has since she was a newborn, and her legs! legs everywhere! so much leg flopping!  Sometimes she ends up turning almost all the way around while still attached to me, it’s pretty crazy.

I love being her mommy and so glad I am getting to experience what it’s like to have one kid at a time.  Buuuuuttttttt….. I am sort of ready for her to go to school, because she has been down to one nap for a while, and most of what I do is take her to the grocery store … I am having a little bit of a crisis about running errands a billion times a week and not doing much else.  I’ve started cutting down on the number of times I go to the grocery store (1-2x per week! down from 3-4!) so that I can spend time doing other things, like more classes with her, or just going to the play ground, or play dates, or something.

When Apple and Banana were little, we used to do a fun activity in the morning, then nap, then sometimes grocery store or errand running in the afternoon.  That is how I managed to do something fun with them almost every day.  But with our current pick up and drop off schedule, I can’t do afternoon errands, so it is only morning errands, which means that sometimes our entire day revolves around the grocery store, which honestly sucks.  So I am trying to balance that.

But still, with our schedule, and my desperate need for her to take that nap, I have almost no social life whatsoever.  I need her to take that nap because it is the only break I get from the time I wake up until the kids go to bed, and I can’t ruin that nap because she fell asleep on the way back from someone’s house or from the children’s museum.  So in order to get that nap time, I have limited our activities, which means I almost don’t talk to any adults all day all week.  This is hard on me, too.  There’s no perfect solution but I think nap is better than no nap, generally.

I’m feeling clear headed lately in a way I haven’t in a while.  I didn’t realize the fog until I felt it clearing.  Really only the last two months have I felt a clearing.  And I think that clearing is what led to the crisis, because suddenly I feel like I can See, and I can See that I’m not doing Anything besides maintenance.  I was so bogged down in the maintenance I couldn’t see it.  But now I’m ready for a Project for Sanity.

I’m making plans with friends in the evening every once in a while.  I’m planning our garden.  I’m planning other activities during the day.  I’m trying to answer my emails in a timely fashion.  We’ll see how this goes.

At this point, with the big kids, we were starting to try for #3.  I think right now I am ready to focus on what we already have going on, try to feel above water on all of what’s happening in our current household.  I think this is enough busyness for any stay at home parent.  People are asking me to become involved in things – in school or synagogue or whatever.  And I’m like, I’ll let you know when I can breathe again.  Still just starting to see through the fog, haven’t felt like I am reliable yet even for myself let alone others…

Postpartum body, well, let’s just say, nothing new to report.  Which I guess is good in a sense, right? …

So there we are, 18 months, I can’t believe it.  I really should do updates on the big kids, but it is hard enough getting these updates, I don’t know.  Crazy crazy times.

These damn lunches

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Kosher, dairy, nut-free…

WHAT DO I FEED YOU.

I found these kosher yogurt pouches and have bought every flavor so the kids get a little bit of choice every day.  Which yogurt pouch do you want, or you can have string cheese.  And which fruit do you want – clementine or grapes, something easy.  And a pre-packed “snack pack” I made on Sunday night for the week, filled with various crackers and raisins and che.erio.s and things like this.  And a bottle of water.

But I have been getting these reports that I am not feeding my starving children enough.

Then you think about what’s happening during the day.

I give them a breakfast with yogurt, toast, cream cheese or butter, granola, blueberries, whatever I can make quickly.  I offer oatmeal if they want, different kinds of toasts (whole wheat, cinnamon raisin).  So that’s probably pretty filling.

Then at 10:30am they have a snack at school.  Which is apparently pretty elaborate.  Their teacher today said people are bringing in yogurt pouches and apple sauce pouches and fruit and cheese and all these things.

So that basically ruins their appetite, they’re done at what 11am, and then it’s 12:30 for lunch.  And the yogurt pouches I pack, once they’re opened they have to be thrown away, and I know thta Banana is having like a little sip of yogurt.  There’s nowhere to store it to keep it cool once it’s opened so it’s just garbage.

Then they get to their afternoon thing and it’s snack time and suddenly all they have is that little bag of crackers, which they finish, and are STARVING.  Because they didn’t eat much for lunch because they weren’t hungry because of that huge snack, but then the lunch they opened had to be tossed and wasted.

Also I overheard Banana complaining to the after school teacher that I only pack her 3 things, and it’s not enough, and the after school teacher saying you should tell your mommy to pack you more food.

I said I HEAR YOU COMPLAINING ABOUT ME.

How unprofessional!

I told the after school person how every day food is coming home with them!  So why do I need to pack more food they’re not going to eat!  The snack is ruining their lunch, which is making them starving in the afternoon.  Not to mention Banana likes to complain about things, and will especially complain about me and anything I do to anyone who will listen.  (Of course she will complain about anybody, like if you don’t do something the way that mommy does it she will complain about you, but then she will also complain about me later haha).

So when they get home from school and complain they’re hungry I say okay finish your lunch.  But I don’t WANT to finish my lunch!  I don’t LIKE my lunch!

HONEY. THERE IS NO OTHER FOOD. I HAVE OFFERED EVERY SINGLE KOSHER DAIRY NUT FREE LUNCH ITEM ON THE PLANET THAT ISN’T SALTY AND OVER PROCESSED.  NO YOU DON’T GET CHIPS AND COOKIES FOR LUNCH.

Then there are the moms who are packing meticulous lunches for their children and posting pictures on in.st.agr.am and I salute you moms.  They are beautiful lunches.  I can see how making those fantastic lunches with the sandwiches cut into shapes and googly eyes and all those cute fancy flourishes, they are a creative outlet, and I do not judge anyone for wanting to do things like this.

But I know my kids are looking at those fancy lunches and looking at the ones I pack and are feeling unlucky to have me as the lunch packer.  Even though I pack their favorite things.  Even though I put a little chocolate chip in their snack pack to find.  They see the ghost shaped crackers on Ha.llowe.en, they see the star shaped sandwiches, they see the berries in the winter, they see all those things, and then they look at what they have, which okay is like 5 different kinds of crackers and a fruit they chose and a yogurt they chose, but it’s not beautiful or new or exciting.  They eat the same lunch every day.

The teacher today was like, maybe their tastes have changed, or I don’t know?  And I am thinking to myself, do you know what I ate for lunch every day from kindergarten until 6th grade? THE SAME THING.  For SEVEN years.  I ate the same lunch.  Peanut butter and jelly sandwich and maybe a juice box and maybe some kind of fruit I can’t even remember.  I SURVIVED.  IF THEY ARE HUNGRY THEY WILL EAT.

PLEASE DON’T GIVE MY FOUR YEAR OLD CHILD’S COMPLAINTS MORE VALIDITY THAN THEY DESERVE.  THEY ARE ALWAYS ON A CON MISSION TO GET COOKIES AND CHIPS.

Also, the parents need to stop bringing yogurt and apple sauce pouches for snacks for the week.  I don’t see why they need all that.  Just bring in some fruit and be done.  Ugh!

Next year they will be in kindergarten and I think I have control over that ???  It’s just frustrating that I can never do anything right, this is a simple thing, these lunches, and it keeps coming up over and over again.

If they are hungry they will eat it, I don’t care if their little four year old tastes have changed.  Then they can be extra hungry for dinner.  And if they don’t like dinner, well, they’re healthy enough, they can make it to breakfast.

Gift giving: fantasy vs reality

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Oh I am sure I’m not the first person to write about this but gift giving to little kids just is not as fun as I want it to be.

The first year of doing Han.uk.kah we didn’t do gifts, the babies were a few months old.  The second year we didn’t either, they were around 15 months, what do they need gifts for.  The third year they got new books every night and they were really awesomely excited about it for the first two nights and then I guess when they realized every night it was going to be books they sometimes weren’t even going to bother with them … even though they love books, I guess 16 new books was kind of a lot for 2 year olds.

Last year was the first year we did presents, and most of the presents were really small and inexpensive.  Like a bracelet, or a squishy dinosaur, though I did get them a doll stroller which they still enjoy, I can barely remember most of the things they got last year, they weren’t so excited about them for the most part.  Mostly they wanted the chocolate.

This year I had some ideas of things I would give them and we are only on night #2 but I have a feeling, a funny feeling, this is what it’s like.

IRRITATING.

The first night they got two presents.  A small one from us (slippers) and a bigger one from the grandparents.  It honestly doesn’t matter what it was, they opened the gifts and asked for more.  Where are the rest of the presents?  JUST SAY THANK YOU.

Then the tradition I started last year was when they go up to their rooms for bed there are wrapped books waiting for them, so they get a small gift and a new book every night.  And then they’re like I knew there were more presents.  And then the next day, they get their gift, and, IS THIS IT?

AND they don’t even really care about the gift.  I imagine when I buy them something they are going to be pleased as punch, and like YESSS THANK YOU YAY!!!  Something I know they’ve been drooling over for a while, and they’re just like oh okay.  Put it on the pile.

Most of their gifts are not toys at all.  They still have 6 nights left of things like swim goggles, pop up books, shirts with favorite characters on them, umbrellas.  I don’t bother with the toys because they have too much in their play room and their favorite toys are mostly the couch cushions and blankets and large cardboard boxes so why do they need another plastic thing to take up room and eventually go to the basement.

Anyway, then they fight over the things, and fight over the books and who gets to have which book in bed, and I’m like UGH I HATE GIVING YOU PRESENTS (I didn’t say this but I was thinking it).

Also I hate it when they’re like DON’T FORGET TO GIVE US MORE PRESENTS TOMORROW.

I just say, I know you’re excited about presents, I know you’re having fun, but please don’t ask for more presents, just say thank you.

SAY THANK YOU.

Well anyway.

In my head, giving presents is awesome.  I love thinking of things they will like, I love wrapping them up and thinking of what it will be like for them to open something that I’ve picked out for them that they really like.  But now I’m worried… It kind of sucks giving gifts like this.  I want them to like it, not open it and look at it and go “is this it?”

They’re 4, so they need to work on saying thank you, and they’re young, but they really need to say thank you!  I spent a lot of effort and time on getting these gifts together so you can have a nice holiday … maybe not worth it!  Just chocolate next time!  AHhhhhHHH!

Anyway I really hope the next nights are better!

We got a piano!

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lillpi-1

I am so excited….!!!!

I took lessons for almost 13 years when I was growing up, and haven’t had regular access to a piano ever since I left home in college.

We were going to go to the piano store on my birthday but long story short that didn’t happen.  So exactly a month later, we went to the piano store, originally going to buy a new piano that Mr Brightside had researched – was in our price range, would fit the very small space we have in our house for a piano, was good quality.

We got to the store and were playing the one he had researched and it was nice, but did feel very small.  So they convinced us to look at the bigger pianos … of course pricier … but obviously a huge jump in quality.

Then we asked, do you have any nice used pianos and they took us to the completely other side of the gigantic piano store, and there were about 6 used pianos.  One of them was a 44 year old piano that was bright, clear, and beautiful.  And in our price range (because it is 44 years old).  We thought about it for a minute and then I was like ……. that’s the one, that’s our piano.

And that was it.  It came home a week later and fits EXACTLY into the space we have for it. We do not have an inch to the right or left, front or back.  It is the perfect size.

Then we went hunting for my sheet music and discovered that all of it is at my parents’ house.  The only reasonable sheet music I could find was Clai.re de Lu.ne.

The biggest problem with having this piano is that I have a hard time finding time to play it!  Everyone always wants to play it and so I can’t sit down and have real time to myself on it.  And when the big kids are in school and baby is napping, I have to be quiet, so I still can’t play.  The past few days I have been playing while two kids are having bath with aba and one kid plays on the ip.ad downstairs.  It’s about 15-20 minutes, but it is better than nothing.  And the same song over and over.

Well, let’s be honest, after so many years I can’t get through the whole song.  But I am working on the first three pages.

Playing piano again has felt really amazing.  I am feeling cobwebs being dusted off parts of my brain I haven’t used in a while.  I feel my whole body being woken up for a few minutes.  So much of my day is a series of minor decision making and cleaning and cooking and playing games that don’t involve as much of my brain as more creative work does.  Even my artwork, when I do get to do it, lately has been kind of slower paced, and not goal oriented.  I realize how fast paced it can be to play piano, and pretty exciting, and also rewarding when I see the progress I can make in just 15 minutes!

So excited for my piano!  And soon the big kids will start lessons 🙂