A barrel of laughter followed at me as I left the room-

pleasant memories of times with my siblings came crashing down as I hear Bek, Kaylie and some damn neighbor unknowingly laugh at my ignorance and laugh at my sadness.

i hear bek's voice, present day.
"Tell Kaylie there's hope for her and her sister to be friends- we're friends."
"I thought we had always been friends."
She just looked at me- "not always, i kind of thought you were annoying... you just always followed me around..."

Yep- that's cause I thought you were the coolest.
I had wanted to be just-like-you-always.

Derek's voice from the week before.
"I didn't even like you till you were older--" *i cant remember the time frame he gave.

Again, another person I loved, admired and thought was pretty awesome-- besides the fact he threatened me regularly.

I literally had no idea- all my life - that I had been such an annoying little sister until this last week. I knew i had done stuff to bug them cause they like to rehash it-- but...
i didn't know.

Then there was that other awesome moment of Jared suggesting that I would be bringing someone to the next family reunion. James, I think he called him.
The hope in my mothers eyes will be the death of me.
"We really got her, didn't we?" he said to me later.
He has no idea what he'd done.

I have never felt so so alone till today.

family... how delightful.

Yep. Still like my job

I got a flood of questions while at work today. It wasn't that the questions were hard but they came at the same time. Two young sisters approached wanting very particular book recs for a 5 and 7 year old.
While helping them a teacher came wanting books for a lesson she was planning for the transcontinental railroad.
And another came asking for the pop up books we keep in the closed stacks in my bosses office.
-to name a few-

Easy. But not at the same time. Besides the pop up lady they all deserved more attention than I had. Especially the girls. Nothing I suggested was in their reading level.I finally set the 7 year old with some and settled down the with the 5 year old who had said she definitely surpassed those easy beginner books.
I gave her Mo Willems books, an easy and fantastic choice.
No, they were too hard.
I ended up spending a good ten-fifteen minutes with this girl trying to find books that she would like and were in her reading range.
I ended up getting a box of beginner books, the same ones she had told me she had gone passed, sat down on the floor and watched her as she sounded out each letter and morphed it together to make a word. She struggled through and I nudged her along. These were clearly the books she needed.  She was so excited. I asked her name.. Diana. She wanted me to show her how to check out her treasures. I explained her mom needed to come with her card. She rushed off to retrieve her mom. As they were heading out of the library, Diana held her little sisters hand and almost walked into an old lady because she was very focused on saying hello and goodbye to me and showing me her box of books.

I had been surly as I came to work today. I have other things to do. I had been frustrated that I couldn't get anyone an easy answer but this moment with this girl, helping her sound out letters and her farewell totally made my day.

I wish I had a friend like me.

This is a weird thing to say- but I just heard some bad news and it's been a bit of a day. If a friend of mine had a day like mine I would go to them and offer a hug, condolences and ice cream.

I want someone to do that for me.

It's more like wallowing if I do it for myself.

That is all.

Levels of Madness Part One

Couple things on my mind at the moment.

The brain is a fascinating thing. I am, as I will tell anyone, a paranoid crazy person. When Bekki came to visit we removed my bedroom door because it was annoying and getting in the way. I figured it would be fine because I have the whole downstairs and a curtain separating me from the rest of the house.

This is not the case. I am not okay. There is something nice of that protective door to keep me secure in my space. Also because when I go to bed at night I can hear the guy in the apartment on the other side of my wall playing video games into the night and talking to his "team." I sometimes knock on the wall when he gets especially loud or it gets especially late.

And then the silence, blackness and the fact that these people on the other side of the wall have the code to my house (they use our laundry facilities) FREAKS ME OUT! I am gripped by fear at the possibility of this  guy getting pissed and coming over. I would have  no barrier to stop him. My door is gone and I feel suddenly vulnerable in my space.

I have this dumb new thing that I do that I know is a load of crap. I have a tv that came with the room plastered to my wall and a red light beaming from it into the darkness. I have told myself in many occasions that as long as the light is on, I am safe. Nothing can get me.

I know this is false, but for some reason the ridiculousness of it kind of tweaks my brain into not feeling so freaked out.


** old post from last place in provo.

coffee and other taboo things.

I went through this weird phase a couple months ago.

I really wanted coffee. 

I've always liked the smell of it but really didn't feel any inclination to drink it because: 

1. My religion 

2. Cost (I am so so cheap) 

3. I've been told that the only way to make it palatable is to add a bunch of stuff to it and that seems utterly absurd. 

4. I can't handle lots of caffeine. 

So for my crazy brain to be so focused on it was very strange. At some point when I was so obsessive on it I opted for a... if I am still thinking about it this obsessively in one week, I will get it. 

Two weeks went by and I was still thinking about it. A month or two after my hyper focus I decided to just go and get some. I went to a Juice 'n Java near my house and got something I honestly can't remember. I do remember almost getting a straight up black coffee- it was to be a go big or go home moment. If this is what I wanted- then I might as well get it at its purest form- but I wimped out. 

My brother made a comment to me once in a conversation of why we don't drink coffee. It could be, he said, that there is something in coffee or black tea that we do not know the ramifications from right now. God is all knowing and my puny brain can only take so much. But- it could simply be a matter of obedience. I can get behind that, and not being dependent on coffee to get me through my day is honestly a win in my book. 

So disregarding my complete disobedience on this particular day and this particular venture, I drank the long coveted and considered cup of coffee I had been crazing for months. 

I hated it. Not surprising. It left the angriest of bitter tastes in my mouth. And no, I didn't get the straight black coffee, I got something with the fixin's to soften the blow. The blow was strong and left the angry taste on my tongue for the whole day. I drank the whole thing- thinking of a story of my bro-in-law being caught in the bathroom when he was younger smoking and his dad saying.. you want to smoke- smoke.... He made himself sick but never had the desire again. 

Here is my new theory on this particular part of the Word of Wisdom during this particular experiment... As I was periodically drinking this angry beverage throughout that day all I can think is that God doesn't want us to drink coffee because it is bitter and leaves a bitterness to the taste and with me. I don't want to start, end or endure my day with a necessary bitter cup. 

There is a pending argument here re: chocolate and the actual cacoa nibs being very bitter but I'm not going to get on that right now. 

Next thought: 

LANGUAGE 

I have gotten in the habit of using particular swears. I generally refrained up until I went to London and something there flipped my switch and ... well.. I curse more when alarmed. (it escalates when driving.) 

I met a LDS girl when I was in Seattle who was super great and I decided we should absolutely be friends. She repeatedly used the F-word in general conversation. I hate this word cause it's a dumb word is almost any connotation. I've never said it, even in my most swear-y moments. 

I made some comment about how we are so much alike- but she just curses more. 

I realized I felt like I couldn't say anything to her about her language because of my own justification of the language I use. 

And I was stunned into a thought of how strange it is that I swear at all. I honestly used to punch people (high school years) in the arm when they swore. I thought it was a dumb way to express yourself.
I guess you could argue that it still is. 

Then it turned into using little swears for dramatic effect. I did go to BYU Idaho after all and a well placed "damn" or "hell" could really put in the verbal punch I wanted for what I was saying. I am also a fan of reaction. I do remember distinctly a roommate constantly coming in and turning on the lights while I was sleeping late at night or early morning. This is one of those moments that a good "what the hell!?" in a fake sleep stupor really got her to stop.
It was such a win. 

Here is something strange I have realized. As I get older and this need to not offend or to simply justify my behavior has caused me to justify bad language in myself or others. 

If a peer who got judgmental if I threw out a minor swear was obviously not accepting me as I am and that amused me. 

Although to emphasize this point I had Tom get on my case once because I told him I didn't like his use of the F-word. He basically called me a judgmental mormon and there are worse things he's working on and language is the least of his concerns. This was so foreign to me because i didn't feel like that judgmental person that I disliked. 

I have realized that in an effort to befriend people and "accept them as they are" means that I have to stifle any possible offense someone is causing me. 

1. I feel hypocritical asking someone OF MY OWN FAITH not to say something when I say other bad words.

- I have long ago stopped requesting friends who are not LDS not to swear around me. What's funny about that is I can think of MAJOR instances where people who swear like sailors refrain or apologize for swearing around me when I never asked them. *clearly my high school method of hitting was unnecessary. :P It's a wonder I had friends.

2. I feel like because I am trying to be a friend to ____ that I can't say it is seriously like a stab in the heart when you use the Lord's name in this fashion because I don't want to drive them away or offend or make them think I am judging them- when we should be roughly on a more similar page on this.

My sister told me once that it was one thing to swear but once you start doing it by accident that it's ingrained in you enough that you aren't in control. I want to be in control. My annoyance with people using these words all the time was always that it lost all sense of meaning. It lacks punch.

I also worry that I am the one that a good friend might be worried about approaching...

I think I also have some friends that swear and it's more of a sign of kinship-- and the people that swear in excess and jumping ahead.
I ended up with a rental car at some point and this guy from Enterprise picked me up and he swore a couple times while we were chatting. My initial thought was- We are not friends, you can't say that stuff.

I also realized as I talked to a few of my non-lds friends lately and they either apologized for swearing or went through great efforts to not swear around me. Not because I asked them to but because that is how they knew me and they were being respectful of me. 

To hear Charlie say "holy heck" and "gosh darn it" with such force was both amusing and appreciated and brought me back to an Amanda that was.... and I feel like I should respect them for their respect of me.

Lots of random thoughts.

None of which make sense and probably contradict each other.

*sigh. 

DAMN YOU (insert name here)

Ugh!

I hate this stupid panel and I hate that he's on it.
I hate that he has no idea what his FAKE INFLUENCE is doing to my brain. 

I hope you rot.

How to Get Back to Seattle

• Connect with library people about MA and experience over MLS. 
• Do I need MLS. Worth doing? Maybe after a year of library work/figuring out what's involved and necessity. 
• Talk to Jenny. Make some contacts elsewhere. 
• Save money. (Need at least 1500+ for housing stuff, 400 for move) *This can be done saving approx 83 $ per month for two years. In addition to personal savings. *AKA stop spending money on crap.
• Learn Excel
• Learn some basic Spanish

Keep in Mind:

• Cost of living is higher in Seattle
• Car insurance will be higher
• Gas costs will be higher. 
• Nothing will be the same, so stop expecting it to be. Friend groups have changed, people are gone, etc. 
• Those dreary cloudy days are not as lovely and whimsical as you think they are. 

Blocked

I had this moment today of borderline blocking Cristina.
Phone
Email
Whatever way she could potentially contact me.
Not that she is or will. 

And then I realized that I didn't want to do what she did or sink to her ridiculous and petty level.

I did delete her phone number so at least I can't contact her.

This whole thing isn't a constant anymore. There was a time that it had been. I had been wrecked by bad behavior and her distain of me.

Now it's just one of those things that pops up in my brain from time to time and I just think... well that was dumb. And then it's over.

Thank goodness.