poem i came across...

I am standing upon the seashore.
A ship at my side spreads her white
sails to the morning breeze and starts
for the blue ocean.

She is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch her until at length
she hangs like a speck of white cloud
just where the sea and sky come
to mingle with each other.

Then, someone at my side says;
"There, she is gone!"

"Gone where?"
Gone from my sight. That is all.
She is just as large in mast and hull
and spar as she was when she left my side
and she is just as able to bear her
load of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her.

And just at the moment when someone
at my side says, "There, she is gone!"
There are other eyes watching her coming,
and other voices ready to take up the glad shot;
"Here she comes!"
And that is dying

Henry van Dyke

my logic is not sound.

Since coming here, I find that I do things that are strange- by Amanda standards.

Let me begin by saying that sometimes I am socially awkward. This may surprise some and make other people just nod an affirmative. It will depend on the day... I generally avoid social gatherings. I hate mindless getting to know you questions and jumping into conversations with new people, like I have something really great to offer. (that comes later, cause i am great..) It just takes me a while to warm up to people.

When I say I avoid social gatherings, i-avoid-social-gatherings. If it's my own it's not too bad because it's my gathering and I know these people, for the most part. I do occasionally find myself as observer anyway. Creating the fishbowl to watch the fish inside (so to speak). If you had a thing at your house tomorrow and invited me to it, I'd probably think great idea! and then accidently have plans.

For example-

I can think of times when Jackie invited me to a birthday part or something at her apt and I think I went to 1, but left quickly after giving my greetings. For whatever reason, I did not bring a wing-man to these things. (sorry Jack)

BUT! For some strange reason I find myself putting myself in odd situations. (not really odd, but i think about it and think 'whaaaat!?! I willingly went and did that? it's weird.)
(I can do better... I can do better... I can do better... <for you kjirst>)  

For example:
My randomness in regard to shows/bands I've seen. I've gone to a couple by myself. I would never ever have done this in Utah. There I could have possibly made someone go with me, but still. I am a paranoid crazy... So going into downtown to go see a show? Whaaa? I would generally just skip it all together.

I went to a house show where Vocal Few played. They had it announced on their facebook page. Mind, I did get some mighty encouragement from Bekki to go, and potential threats of shunning. But going to a random persons house to see them play... Again I say whaa!? I did have a fun conversation with a girl there about books. Books. Gets me every time.

Speaking of shows, a guy I work with, Simon, played a show at some bar one evening. Yea.. went to that too. Drugs I tell you. Drugs. Or my crazy love of music is getting the better of me.

After I had been at OR (outdoor research) for a month or so,  Eric (different work person) had a birthday thing at his house and invited me to it. "Pizza and beer," they exclaimed... and looked at me and said, "Well, just pizza in your case.." Once again, for some reason, I went. I don't know what possessed me. It's not in my nature to do so. Was it dreadful? No. The only thing that got me was the fact that the only people I knew there were the work acquaintances. Found some good conversation eventually...

The reason I really bring this up is because I went to a thing tonight with a bunch of people I used to work with at Zumiez. I worked there for 3 months. We survived the holidays together. They were amused for some reason by my silly comics/drawings. There were only a couple I ever talked to outside of work, and it wasn't until after I quit. (sounds like no big deal, i know) i only went because it was for candace-to celebrate her awesomeness and her farewell to zumiez. she is pretty outstanding to be sure.) These are people I havent seen in months. People I got along with, but never really saw outside of work or discussed life outside of it. Not with me. I wasn't part of their scene- which I was fine with. But to be tossed into a setting such as this was just different. And Candace was at a different table. I had several moments of why oh why did I drop myself into this?

This doesn't make sense. I am well aware. It's just.. different. And I don't exactly know how I flipped that switch.

Yea... Shocker

Insurance company called today. Guess what? Evey has been declared totaled. Bye bye vehicle.. aka freedom.

Let me tell you though, I'm so glad to have heard about it. I'm glad that I wasn't in an accident and by no means my fault. Thank you Progressive for your awesome service. The settlement will pay off the rest of what I owe on the car and leave me with a bit left over.

I'm so relieved. I had this horrible horrible moment thinking I'd have to go on paying for a car that I no longer own.

I'm so grateful...

Evey.. Poor poor Evey

If you happened to be unaware of my dilemma as of today, here's this skinny.. I came out this morning to go to work and saw that my car had been smashed.. Hulk smashed. It's pretty dreadful. I don't think the full impact of the situation has hit me yet. Mind, I am shocked and devastated.. But I'm not sure exactly what to do... 

I came out to find a business card for the Seattle Police Dept and gave them a call. They declared it a  hit and run and told me to contact my insurance. Insurance Co asked if it was drivable. I guess I didn't explain damage well enough. No. It's not going anywhere without assistance. What a horrible mess. Just a mess. They set up a rental car for me, but I couldnt get it till after work- mostly because parking in Downtown is CRAZY and I didn't want to deal. 

I cleared out any important crap out of my car.. The drivers side door opened an inch and now wont close. The back seat has been shoved forward... It was shoved a good foot+ onto the curb. I... I'm at a loss. Truly. 

My roommate said she was woken last night out of a dead sleep to hear a crash and a neighbor stopped to tell me that she heard it around 1130. Oy. Just.. Oy. 

So.. After all is said and done, I get my stuff together, with any info I might need in case I were to get a call in regard to my car.. and start for the bus.. To which I get off to early in downtown and miss my next bus.. which makes me even later to work. Awe-some. *sigh*

Thankfully I wasn't the cause of this accident. I wasn't IN the car. Thankfully I hadn't filled up my tank yet... 

Insurance had it towed. They will have it assessed. They will declare whether it is fixable. My hopes arent high in that regard. 

I'm going to bed. 

Work Related

At the beginning of February I started a new job in a warehouse. (In case you don't know.)

Amanda, what do you do there? 

Actual answer: I pick items for orders and package them up. All day long.

Real answer: I spend 8 hours a day listening to books & music... drag around uncooperative "dogs," come up with story plots and practice my spy work. An occasional verbal fight will break out between me and my cousin. Mostly because she takes any moment she can to alarm me and freak me out. Some of the guys I work with have taken it upon themselves to join in on the fun and games. Not the yelling, just the alarming.

Yesterday was an interesting assortment of days... There is an odd fellow that, for whatever reason, likes to bring up odd topics. Thankfully not with me-my head might explode. Yesterdays train-wreck was, (i condense), something along the lines of saying that men and women, no matter where they are from, have a smell... and that men can smell when women bleed. (umm. pardon? excuuuuse me?) I was informed of this conversation, and let me tell YOU that I was floored. FUH-LOOORED! He seemed to think there was nothing wrong with this line of questioning. Maybe a cultural thing? Language barrier? Maybe just a moronic kind of notion? Who knows. So that was the beginning of the day...

Followed by Eric taking it upon himself, in his boredom, to try to scare me. It didn't work.. Although he found just standing there, in his freakishly tall-ness, was enough to alarm me and make me swiftly move away.

Simon, and a conversation about sucky handshakes, upcoming shows, and guitar lessons. And potentially my secret love of Coldplay... good thing he informed me of it because I had no idea.

Charlie and his inadvertent ability to potentially knock out the populace in the morning with Old Spice.

A conversation with Chelsea about my love for DP and convincing Eric that yes, as a Mormon, I do drink it.. Yes it does have caffeine.

And I have to say that it's different being the mormon in a group. After High School, I went to Mormon country- Rexburg... then later Utah. It's different now having people ask me about temples, coffee, and my beliefs...

I will add that, for the most part, I really like who I work with. Through the banter, the teasing, the scaring, and yelling... sometimes I can't help but look around and smirk to myself about how much I like these people.

CT & Baby Kate

If you happen to have facebook, you will see this as repeater stuff, but my sister has recently DELETED her facebook, so this is for YOU! 

I went to CT last weekend! My brother Jared and his wife had a baby girl in November and I've been taunted by pictures and videos for months and months now, and I couldn't stand it ANY longer. 

I booked a flight. 

I made arrangements to miss work. 

And for 4 glorious days (not counting travel days) I got to hang out my by new baby niece, Kathryn. Explosion of pictures below. 

Now this is where you "oo and ahh" over the cuteness of my niece. That's JUST WHAT YOU DO!

My first day there I woke up too early.. like 5 am early- I laid there going back and forth in between sleep and wake, waiting to hear sound of motion. I may or may not have mentally encouraged Kathryn to wake. Sorry parents... cause at 545 she woke. I just wanted to meet her so bad! I heard my brother moving around and I snuck into the tv room to find the little one, this happy joy that I had only seen in pictures.  She was there swinging, smiling up at me. She knew me already. She knew I'd come for her. There is a special about this girl.

 Check out those eyes! They capture my heart completely. Ah I miss her! 

      

I have to tell you that it completely warmed my heart to see my brother as a dad. He is such a doting father and looked at her with such adoration. 

 She's got a whole fan club, let me tell you. Mom has been out TWICE since she was born, Connie (Megans mom) has been there since January, Bek came out in December.. Colleen is going out next month AND Derek and Teana are going out this summer. Yes, we're all excited to see Jared and Megan too.. 

Jared sometimes would imitate her cry. (she's a cute crier. is that possible, you ask. i say YES!) 

 It was REALLY hard to catch her smiling. She'd clam up every time I pulled my camera up, but KNOW that she was happy and giggling all the time. 

 I thinks she looks like baby ben murphy in this pic. 

I love my big brother. And the fact that he has a serious expression in this picture. They are so rare. 

 Megan, Kathryn and I made an effort to get out of the house and go for a walk one day.. It was 84 degrees. Guess who doesn't own shorts? Oh me. I thought I was melting. It's obviously been a long long time since I've had to deal with an Arizona summer.

One of my absolutely favorite moments was when I had her laying on my chest and she was, of course, laughing.. So I would laugh, because it was the cutest baby gurgle of a laugh. I can't help but smile at the thought of it. But she stopped and would look at me and wait for me to stop, and she would laugh. We'd repeat back and forth. I'd give 3 good laugh/guffaws, tossing my head back, and she would lean her head back and give her laugh. I couldn't stop. We went on for ages. 

Bekki was convinced that she liked me because Kathryn probably thought I was her. (since bek and i are twins)

I also had the joy and pleasure of being able to see my childhood best friend from SV, Megan. (so so many megans..) She happens to live in New Hampshuh and drove down to see me. She and I went to the park with her 2 kids and had sandwiches and caught up. I haven't seen her in a few years. 

(i really like this pic)

All in all.. good adventures. Good times. I miss this little girl, and her bright blue eyes greeting me in the morning. . 

a little more rant than rave.

I am on my way to CT to see my brother and his family for a few days. I’ve been excited for this for ages.. Now, of course, there is the whole process of GETTING there. While I am going to post this after my arrival in CT, know I’m writing during my travel adventures. Baltimore charges for internet. Yea, I’m not doing that. Remarkably, I can still amuse myself WITHOUT the internet.

So I sit down minding my own business watching people, and an older gent three seats down starts talking at me. I’m not sure what possessed him to do so, because I’m certain I’m wearing my standard ‘clenched jaw, angry expression’ that I accidentally wear on occasion. I noticed him when I sat down. He had a headset for his phone that had the one earphone and a microphone that curled around to sit in front of his mouth. Now, I didn’t realize he was talking at me because he was just talking. I tentatively turned to realize that he was turned my way and continued his speal. You might want to know what he’s yammering on about. It was more about peoples paranoia about flying. People used to be able to go TO the gate, without a ticket. How people used to be happy to go to the airport, and now people walk around paranoid that someone might have a bomb or something because of 9/11. There may have been a moment of the uselessness of security and how it ruins the experience.

I’m looking around at these same people and I don’t see fear in their faces. I see boredom. It’s been 10+ years since they started this whole security thing, people are (or should be) used to the whole deal. Kids are still excited about the massive planes and people walk passively by, sometimes rushing, to their gates. I try to tell him this and he disregards my words and continues on his one sided conversation. Although he did let me interject when I told him I KNOW how it used to be. Then came my favorite, you can’t be that old.. No, you’re right. I’m a child. He eventually went away leaving me alone with my thoughts and my computer.

Here’s actually what I think. Peoples passivity in walking past is more so forgetting the wonder that is flight. I forget. I went to sleep on the plane today and woke up on the other side of the country. THAT’S INSANE! This comes to mind more because a box-headed man laid out some of his irritation with Southwest in regard to their way of handling seating. ‘If you don’t pay the 10 bucks to check-in online early, you get crap seating.’ Hmm. That may be the case but if you REALLY have a problem with Southwest, don’t fly through them. There are still plenty of options. Including those that charge for luggage.  I’m obviously looking at life with the glass half full at the moment, because I’ve had my own frustrations with flying. But what other time could you go and sit in a large metal contraption and a few hours later be thousands of miles from where you started. Besides in stories. Our reality is another times science fiction. Ha, what a notion. Talking into plastic and talking to someone on the other side of the globe. Crazy notion… Leaving one morning from Washington state and ending up that evening in Connecticut.

And ARRIVED! Yehess!