Bad Christian

Okay, so I was listening to this podcast today and it really got me thinking about my personal beliefs, the restored church, modern prophets vs what other Christians practice/believe. The podcast was "Bad Christian" with some of the guys from the band Emery. Why was I listening to this podcast? Because one, Matt MacDonald (from The Classic Crime) was on it and I just respect that man a wholeheckofa lot, so why not?

In all actuality, these Emery guys have a good point with their "Bad Christian" campaign. It's not that they are encouraging people to BE bad Christians, quite the opposite, actually. Just acknowledging that we, as followers of Christ, stumble and fall. That Jesus is great, it's us that are struggling. The "bad Christian" just acknowledges that they know they're not perfect and they're not pretending that they are.   SO in theory this works. But I spent much of the podcast disagreeing with their stance on things. (Which I'm sure they'd be pleased with. Apparently they like to ruffle feathers.) I would also have liked to hear them talk about their faith and their understanding of the gospel of Christ.. Instead I got stories of band trips getting canceled because of uptight Christian folks and sneaking beer, as grown men, because they were anxious about the reaction. And some weird political crap but I won't go into that. 

There was a good portion of this podcast discussing drinking beer/alcohol/wine.. But the way they talked about it honestly sounded like more justification for drinking it than anything else. "Christians should just relax..." I personally don't believe i should toe the line. I have never had a drink of any of these things. That is a product of my upbringing, my religion and faith.. my own understanding of who I am, and the fact that I want to remain in control of my faculties at all times. I also recognize that I have particular addictive tendencies... So all in all, I don't have the inclination. (Curiosity has been there a few times but there are more important things)

Anyway. I spent much of this podcast realizing how grateful I am for the gospel of Jesus Christ. The fact that I don't have to interpret what I think God wants from me because I have direction from prophets and my leaders. I know I have a father in heaven looking out for me and a brother that sacrificed his life for mine. I appreciate these moments to reflect and remember and have the light of Christ in my life. 

I get it, you're random... (she says to herself...)

I think it's ridiculous that I perpetually label these things "random" notes/comments/thoughts, etc. I feel like that should be self explanatory. And since I'm in the habit/fan of making lists, here goes another.

FIRSTLY OF COURSE! The decision has been made. Dum de DUUMMM! If you don't know already I am starting at the University of Roehampton this September for a masters in Children's Literature. Yes it's very exciting.
It's a one year program.
It costs less than getting a masters in the US
PLUS it's a grand adventure. I have decided this is necessary.
What will I do? Besides have epic knowledge in a subject matter that I absolutely love?
I'm thinking of going into the publishing world. Ask me again a year from now. I might have a better answer for me.

*I think many adventures and great friendships have begun on this soundtrack. I say it once, I will say it again. There is something there. 

*I was reading the beginning of my friends book High Adventure and I was thoroughly amused because the narration just makes sense from what I know of Travis. The things quoted, the movie references... I can see him doing/saying this. It was hilarious. Which also got me thinking that while I have always considered him a friend, I sometimes realize I don't know him as well as I thought.. (But how well do we really know each other, hmm?) And before you start thinking this is some ode to Travis, I stop you there... because my topic actually turns to those who write. It's interesting to be able to write stories. I feel like you can see truth through writing. Of the writers themselves, their beliefs and their personalities. It may not be blaring evidence in characters or plot, but there is something so personal about getting to know someone through their words.. These worlds created, their passions, their interests. Because through those words, their truth is spoken.

My words are generally ridiculous observations, snarky commentary, and an occasional bitter rampage.

And murder. Can't forget that.

*Amanda, why are you doing that?

I don't know, cause I'm a weirdo! Get with the program.. 

*So I was lost in thought today of planning. Planning for what needs to happen next. 

-Visa, housing, financial aid, loans, plane tickets...

-Adventures still to go on (Utah, Michigan, and AZ for Ben's graduation. He's kind of a big deal)

-Grocery shopping

-The long long long drive back to Arizona in July to catch my brother for one week while he is there and see my sisters/mom before I leave the country. 

I am a ridiculous planner. I love my lists and checking them off.. 

And then came the devastating blow. It was an ache in my heart and punch in the gut. 

My people. My Seattle people. It became even more evident this evening how much this will hurt to leave this place. I've never loved a city so much. And suddenly, these people I surround myself with.. At both work and church, I just don't know if I'll see some of these people again. How can one properly express my appreciation of them. My honest to goodness love of them. This goodbye is months away and it's looming closer. Yes I know that I'm moving to freaking LONDON.. But the unknown is terrifying. This place is familiar now. My people are here. And I love my people. I feel like I proclaim this often. I have met so many good ones here. There are more stories to tell and words to be spoken, but I don't know how to find them. Or to express them. So I will hug them often and hope it makes up for it a bit come June. Man oh man. I love my people. 

Minor Sunday Panic

Salutations. My dear friend pointed out that, technically, I have left people out of the loop regarding the whole grad school thing. So for the 14 followers I have, I apologize. :P

So to fill in the blanks, I have been accepted to:

AND 

Whaaaaa! Yes. It's very exciting. I am still wrapping my head around the reality of it. (There are a couple others but why mention it when my top-dudes are right there...) First choice? I am honestly thinking Glasgow has the better program, location for me, people, and a myriad of other things. Although London is London and that's pretty epic.. Besides the fact that there will be more LDS people and they have cheaper tuition and offered me a scholarship. But cost of living is waay higher...

But here's where the Sunday panic comes in. I'm sitting there in the middle of sacrament meeting minding-my-own-business and then I realized there was an ache.. A huge dark fist grabbed my insides and held them. My heart ached...  Is that stupor?? Is this WRONG??
(enter forced calm breathing and staring up at the lights to refrain from breaking down into tears.)
The problem there too was that I was already having an "empathy girl attack" and I couldn't tell if I was upset over that or over grad school....

Then the flurry of questions:
While I love Seattle there is nothing to keep me here.. but that damned "what if" rears it's ugly head.
What if I choose the wrong school?
What if I can't do it?
What if I am doing it for the wrong reasons?
What if I go and then, after it's all over, I'm just in debt and continuously jobless or working dead-end jobs?

Gosh, I'm a wreck. 

And I'm sure you're thinking.. Poor Amanda.. terrible What a thing to have to choose between SCOTLAND AND LONDON.. 

shut it.

Happy Birthday.

I miss him

I felt the loss acutely today. Bek had come back from visiting down in Sierra vista and shared a couple things that rang so true and pierced my core. I guess it doesn't matter how much time has passed. It just dulls the ache in my heart. 

It was assisted by talking to my aunt... Mostly of how much she loved dad. That he was her best friend and that she told him everything... And that he would have tea parties with her... Apparently though, it was because grandma would make him a peanut butter sandwich as he "left for work." I had this visual of him as a younger man, with a Derek smirk, carting in these huge containers of peanut butter from/for the food storage. 

I wish my memory was better. I wish I could express this properly... I just love him so much, and want to do right by him and what he did for me... Gave to me.. 

Such a loss the my world. 

Amanda's crazy train

It's almost 1 am. I have this guy I know who constantly asks me what I'm thinking. It doesn't help that I have a perpetual smirk on my face and/or blush rather easily that I guess gives him reason to wonder? It's incredibly annoying- the blushing-but back to the point.

 The Amanda train of thought can go from various things, including; 

-Scotland and last minute paperwork for Glasgow. 

-Ugh- my latest cringe worthy offense. Yikes I'm so awkward 

-In the heights - the musical, which generally has me pathetically rapping the songs with Usnavi. 

-Hey I'm teaching tomorrow on the plan of salvation. I should use Travis' picture he did... 

-Gosh I'm leaving Seattle... Is this good? Is it right? Can I come back ? Man I love it here.... 

-I need to make cookies for linger longer 

-Will you ask me to stay.

-Ooh cringe again. Why did you (me) DO that... 

-suddenly I want to watch Dawson's creek with Christine. 

- fiddle/violin lessons- 2 weeks from now.. Hope that works out. Uh oh- I'm gonna drive everyone nuts 

-when's mom coming again? Tea? Bayside? Veronica Mars 

-Need to work on my writing. I finally realized the middle and how it is going to pan out. But why does she kill him? She's kind of crazy... It could be for the original point of an experiment.

-(Smirk) gosh that (he) smells delicious

 -oh yikes.. I hope no one saw that... Heard that. Did I say it out loud? Can they read my thoughts? Like in that Heimerdinger book? Eddie Fantastic. 

-shiny!! 

-29 things!! Bah

-gosh I'm a whole bag of crazy 

There. That's what I'm currently thinking. 

G'night 

I mean... Shoo-

Sometimes all you can say is... 

Daaaaamn