I have a countdown on my phone. It says I will be flying out in 18 hours. I should be sleeping. I'm honestly exhausted.. But my brain is in overdrive.
Logan today was very sad about me leaving. Telling me that a year WAS in fact a very long time. 365 days. I didn't have the heart to tell him it might be longer. But honestly... A year isn't actually that long. It just seems that way to an 11 year old. It still broke my heart. Especially these random moments of bonding I have had with my nieces and nephews. Especially Kaylie. She's the coolest kid. I'm gonna miss her even more now.
I have been anxious all this week.. I get lost in my thoughts and then get a contorted expression on my face. There have been so many times Bekki has asked me what was wrong, to realize that I have a sour expression. As much as I have my freak-outs about moving to another country.. what makes me anxious is going back to school. Yes, different country, city and people. I'm not terribly concerned about it. I'll get lost, I'll wonder.. I'll have my uber anxiety and panic. This is standard. In my head at least, this will be a breeze. A very exciting, friggin epic.. breeze..? But it's school and papers and everything else that really send me spiralling.
Deep breath.
My mom said that it would be abnormal if I wasn't concerned.. anxious... all of those feelings that are piling down on me. It's all normal.
Thank goodness Christine will be with me for the first two weeks. Seriously.
Saturday, August 23, 2014
Monday, August 18, 2014
Solid use of Sunday
I went to prison today.
I was debating if I should write this here or... elsewhere.. but I had an interesting experience and I like to process. I have a friend that I have known (at this point on and off again) since 6th/7th grade. We had a bit of a falling out in High School but reconnected after that.
Due to some insane and ridiculous circumstances, she is currently serving time in prison for a crime she did not commit. 10 years. She has to serve at least 85 percent of it, therefore she has 5 years left. Unless something amazing happens and she gets clemency. I was so anxious to see her. Mostly of the unknown of going to a prison.
I had to apply and be approved. (background check and all) Truth be told, when I went out today to see her I wasn't sure if I HAD been approved yet. I was just hoping since this would be my last opportunity to see her before I left for school. I had talked to her mom and there was a list of things she warned me about:
You can't wear: orange, khaki, brown, tan, jewelry, underwire bras (for the ladies of course), v-neck shirts.
You have to carry your things in a see-through bag.
You could only have your car key&fob.
You could bring 20 $ in quarters.
No phones.
Bring a sweater because sometimes it gets cold. (inside obviously.. it's 106 outside)
You had to have your drivers license with you every step of the way.
You had to be there by 10 at the latest..
I got there and filled out a form. I went through a line that was much akin to security at the airport with the bins and all. I was anxious. I didn't know what I was doing. Thankfully, a blessing came in the form of a chatty woman who was there to see her daughter. She was ahead of me in line. I told her I had never been. She looked me up and down and said "you should be fine," then proceeded to give me directions of what would happen next. I am so grateful to have had my own personal guide.
They checked to make sure I had been approved and I had my wrist stamped.
A man checked my belongings.
The guards made idle chit chat between them, having a laugh.
I went through a metal detector.
I had my backside sniffed by a dog through a fence.
I waited and went through a automatic heavy metal door.
My ID was again verified as well as my stamp. I was worried it would rub off.
I went outside in the 106 degree weather, feeling ridiculous holding my sweatshirt.
I got on a small bus that rotated through the different units of the prison.
I produced my ID again and another metal door creaked open to allow my entrance.
It closed and the next door opened slowly.
I presented my form and ID again and gave it to the guard who called for the inmate. My friend.
I waited.
My guide was still there, waiting for her daughter. She chatted with me and explained what would happen when I left. Her daughter came.
I was alone.
Still no Rachel.
I waited. I heard the guard call for Rachel on 3 different occasions. She assured me that she was calling and that the inmate wasn't responding.
The inmate.
I sat, feeling awkward, on a plastic seat next to a window watching inmates come and go with their families. Chatting, playing games. laughing. I sat by a line of windows that looked in on the visitation room. It was a dull grey filled with tables. Half filled with people. Lots of orange.
Finally she came. My friend who I haven't seen in at least 6 years, who has spent the lest 3 + years in prison. I didn't know if I allowed to go and greet her so I waited for her to approach me. I hugged her. Her hair was so long. She only looked a little different. We found a table and proceeded to chat from about 10ish-3ish.
She had a lot to say. I asked her questions about her life inside. I asked about her daughter. She told me about the friend she made when she was in "county" that had been pregnant and Rachels parents agreed to take the responsibility of the child when he was born till the mom was out. (just 4-5 months.) The mom disappeared after she got out. Rachel's parents are in process of adopting him. Rachel said that for that reason alone she would go through all of this for her little brother to be a part of their lives.
She told me about the good and bad about the situation. Some of it was silly or minor scary moments. Not at all what I imagined. She is so optimistic about her time there. She spoke of the amazing support system she has from her parents and others who write to her. And sometimes the random strangers that write to her too. That was amusing. She said that this is her time to focus on becoming a better person, a better self. She spoke of who she was and how she had learned she didn't want to be that person again. Not saying she did horrible things, she just didn't want to go back.
She told me about how she was working on returning to church and how much she missed it. Yes, this situation sucks but she is making the best of it. That it could have been much much worse. She has a good room-mate who is relatively like her and they get along. She surrounds herself with good people. She is taking college classes, something she never did when she was in the real world. She reads in excess. She has a job for one of the better companies you can work for there. She was even just promoted and this job will give her a job when she's on the "outs," even though she is a felon. She will have money saved because of the job she has now. She seemed more on track than she had been before. She plans for her future.
She asked about my plans. She asked about my life and my family. Silly stories about life and silly situations. I felt like I was bragging. She was stuck and I am on the "outs." There are things I don't have to worry about. There are things that I don't take advantage of. There are things I disregard because they're just there. I am looking at things differently.
She could have been bitter about her time there.
She could have been angry at the injustice of it all.
She could have checked out of life in general.
I don't know what I would have done in her situation.
Suddenly my woes seem fairly trivial.
Suddenly I want to make sure that every moment I have is worth something.
We wrapped up our time together. She didn't to be stuck at visitation in the heat during lock down, which would be happening soon. Now that I was approved, I would be able to come and visit her when I came back. I would, I promised. I hugged her. I told her I loved her. I wished her well and told her that even though I can't send her things, I would send her postcards. She turned to leave, told me she loved me and thanked me for visiting.
I had my ID returned to me and I returned through the doors, showing my ID, and through more doors. Bus, doors, ID check, and out again. I left the cool building to return to my hot car. Grateful for the ability to leave.
I hate missing church, but I feel like this was a fantastic way to use this Sunday. To see a friend in need. Completely unexpectedly too.
My guide, the woman who helped me, upon finding out that this was my first time to visit had told me that it would be hard to come. Hard to see my friend like this. And even harder to leave. It wasn't that way at all. I mean, I wish she wasn't there. I wish there was another way.. But based on her attitude alone about her situation, I know she will be okay.
Mentally, physically, spiritually.
I was debating if I should write this here or... elsewhere.. but I had an interesting experience and I like to process. I have a friend that I have known (at this point on and off again) since 6th/7th grade. We had a bit of a falling out in High School but reconnected after that.
Due to some insane and ridiculous circumstances, she is currently serving time in prison for a crime she did not commit. 10 years. She has to serve at least 85 percent of it, therefore she has 5 years left. Unless something amazing happens and she gets clemency. I was so anxious to see her. Mostly of the unknown of going to a prison.
I had to apply and be approved. (background check and all) Truth be told, when I went out today to see her I wasn't sure if I HAD been approved yet. I was just hoping since this would be my last opportunity to see her before I left for school. I had talked to her mom and there was a list of things she warned me about:
You can't wear: orange, khaki, brown, tan, jewelry, underwire bras (for the ladies of course), v-neck shirts.
You have to carry your things in a see-through bag.
You could only have your car key&fob.
You could bring 20 $ in quarters.
No phones.
Bring a sweater because sometimes it gets cold. (inside obviously.. it's 106 outside)
You had to have your drivers license with you every step of the way.
You had to be there by 10 at the latest..
I got there and filled out a form. I went through a line that was much akin to security at the airport with the bins and all. I was anxious. I didn't know what I was doing. Thankfully, a blessing came in the form of a chatty woman who was there to see her daughter. She was ahead of me in line. I told her I had never been. She looked me up and down and said "you should be fine," then proceeded to give me directions of what would happen next. I am so grateful to have had my own personal guide.
They checked to make sure I had been approved and I had my wrist stamped.
A man checked my belongings.
The guards made idle chit chat between them, having a laugh.
I went through a metal detector.
I had my backside sniffed by a dog through a fence.
I waited and went through a automatic heavy metal door.
My ID was again verified as well as my stamp. I was worried it would rub off.
I went outside in the 106 degree weather, feeling ridiculous holding my sweatshirt.
I got on a small bus that rotated through the different units of the prison.
I produced my ID again and another metal door creaked open to allow my entrance.
It closed and the next door opened slowly.
I presented my form and ID again and gave it to the guard who called for the inmate. My friend.
I waited.
My guide was still there, waiting for her daughter. She chatted with me and explained what would happen when I left. Her daughter came.
I was alone.
Still no Rachel.
I waited. I heard the guard call for Rachel on 3 different occasions. She assured me that she was calling and that the inmate wasn't responding.
The inmate.
I sat, feeling awkward, on a plastic seat next to a window watching inmates come and go with their families. Chatting, playing games. laughing. I sat by a line of windows that looked in on the visitation room. It was a dull grey filled with tables. Half filled with people. Lots of orange.
Finally she came. My friend who I haven't seen in at least 6 years, who has spent the lest 3 + years in prison. I didn't know if I allowed to go and greet her so I waited for her to approach me. I hugged her. Her hair was so long. She only looked a little different. We found a table and proceeded to chat from about 10ish-3ish.
She had a lot to say. I asked her questions about her life inside. I asked about her daughter. She told me about the friend she made when she was in "county" that had been pregnant and Rachels parents agreed to take the responsibility of the child when he was born till the mom was out. (just 4-5 months.) The mom disappeared after she got out. Rachel's parents are in process of adopting him. Rachel said that for that reason alone she would go through all of this for her little brother to be a part of their lives.
She told me about the good and bad about the situation. Some of it was silly or minor scary moments. Not at all what I imagined. She is so optimistic about her time there. She spoke of the amazing support system she has from her parents and others who write to her. And sometimes the random strangers that write to her too. That was amusing. She said that this is her time to focus on becoming a better person, a better self. She spoke of who she was and how she had learned she didn't want to be that person again. Not saying she did horrible things, she just didn't want to go back.
She told me about how she was working on returning to church and how much she missed it. Yes, this situation sucks but she is making the best of it. That it could have been much much worse. She has a good room-mate who is relatively like her and they get along. She surrounds herself with good people. She is taking college classes, something she never did when she was in the real world. She reads in excess. She has a job for one of the better companies you can work for there. She was even just promoted and this job will give her a job when she's on the "outs," even though she is a felon. She will have money saved because of the job she has now. She seemed more on track than she had been before. She plans for her future.
She asked about my plans. She asked about my life and my family. Silly stories about life and silly situations. I felt like I was bragging. She was stuck and I am on the "outs." There are things I don't have to worry about. There are things that I don't take advantage of. There are things I disregard because they're just there. I am looking at things differently.
She could have been bitter about her time there.
She could have been angry at the injustice of it all.
She could have checked out of life in general.
I don't know what I would have done in her situation.
Suddenly my woes seem fairly trivial.
Suddenly I want to make sure that every moment I have is worth something.
We wrapped up our time together. She didn't to be stuck at visitation in the heat during lock down, which would be happening soon. Now that I was approved, I would be able to come and visit her when I came back. I would, I promised. I hugged her. I told her I loved her. I wished her well and told her that even though I can't send her things, I would send her postcards. She turned to leave, told me she loved me and thanked me for visiting.
I had my ID returned to me and I returned through the doors, showing my ID, and through more doors. Bus, doors, ID check, and out again. I left the cool building to return to my hot car. Grateful for the ability to leave.
I hate missing church, but I feel like this was a fantastic way to use this Sunday. To see a friend in need. Completely unexpectedly too.
My guide, the woman who helped me, upon finding out that this was my first time to visit had told me that it would be hard to come. Hard to see my friend like this. And even harder to leave. It wasn't that way at all. I mean, I wish she wasn't there. I wish there was another way.. But based on her attitude alone about her situation, I know she will be okay.
Mentally, physically, spiritually.
Thursday, August 14, 2014
First a Conclusion (then other stuff)
I need men in my life. They balance out my crazy. I don't get mad at them when I am being absurdly hormonal and completely wretched.
I just talked to my friend German for 53 whole minutes. He doesn't like talking on the phone so anything over ten is quite a feat. It's also nice to be that person that people go to for advice. Even if I know absolutely nothing. It's kind of awesome, actually. It makes me feel important. He thinks I'm going to bail on him.. Become one of those people that just fades away, friend-wise.
Oh, honey.. I don't think you know what you've gotten yourself into with a friendship with ME. I-don't-let-go-of-people. And honestly, I don't. Especially ESPECIALLY considering the friendship I have with him. Psh. Crazy man. I don't think he fully knows what he has gotten himself into with me.
I got to talk to Emily today which was nice to catch her before my phone plan kicks the bucket. We talked for a solid chunk of time. I am so grateful for her. But she told me the funniest thing.. Well, not exactly funny ha ha... We were lamenting the fact that it took us so long to be friends. I remember when it happened and it was really just a few months later that she left for home and to put her mission papers in. She told me that before we actually became friends she had heard A LOT about me and I had been highly praised. This made me laugh, a lot. Krista, Angelica, Julia, "The Guys.." She wanted to know what the big deal was. What makes me different from any other person. "Now I know!" She had wanted to be my friend, while she watched Julia and I in cahoots over some such nonsense. It's so funny to hear this. It's just one of those things that I don't comprehend fully. It's like I don't believe people when they tell me these things. What? You think I'm great? Not overly pesty and obnoxious? I don't have to bribe you with baked goods for friendship? Huh. Well, that's awesome. I wonder when that thought process started.
Hmm. I am also leaving Sierra Vista tomorrow. I have actually fit my life in 2 suitcases, 1 backpack and a purse. BEHOLD MY FRIGGIN GREATNESS! It's strange to think I'm leaving, but I am super excited to be able to hang out with Bekki and her fam before I head off for my next venture. I am ready for the next step. I am not a fan of this limbo land that I am a part of currently. I miss having a job or a task or a purpose. I like those.
I got to go to Safford today for a quick trip. Mind, I spent a whole week with Colleen last week and it was funny how dead set we both were to have this last day. We didn't do much. It's not like we had the time, but it was really solid and perfect for us. I went to the temple, hung out with Colleen, went to the cottage bakery, which has the best lemon squares.. And went to the bowling alley for burgers. Which was SO good. Good last day bonding with Colleen. She's top notch. I love how excited she is FOR me.
I got a text from Bekki today with a picture from the facebook page of the Cottage Bakery in Safford AZ. It was a lemon chiffon with lemon curd with a french buttercream frosting. Her text said "how soon can you get this to me." It was a joke. But the joke was on her because she didn't know I was in Safford and I am going to see her tomorrow. So I called.
"Hey, I'm IN Safford."
"What??"
"Yea, I'm at the bakery.. Do you want the cake?"
"Are you serious?" she then added quietly, "how much is it?"
Long story short.. I have the cake. It's chillin out in the fridge upstairs waiting to go to Bekki's. This ALSO means that when I go to Kohls with my mom tomorrow in Tucson, that I'm going to have to cart the cake around with me because it certainly cant be left in the car..
So so funny.
Must sleep. 7 am comes early.
Thursday, August 07, 2014
I was just informed
That it takes 4 men to make up my perfect man.
" #12 as to why Lizzie Bennet is perpetually single.. "
Oy with the poodles.
" #12 as to why Lizzie Bennet is perpetually single.. "
Oy with the poodles.
Tuesday, August 05, 2014
I currently have:
A one way ticket to London, England
A place to live IN London.
A round-trip ticket to Paris.
A hotel booked in Paris.
My own personal guide currently residing IN Paris.
And my best friend coming along for the ride for two whole weeks.
I still can't wrap my head around it.
A place to live IN London.
A round-trip ticket to Paris.
A hotel booked in Paris.
My own personal guide currently residing IN Paris.
And my best friend coming along for the ride for two whole weeks.
I still can't wrap my head around it.
Friday, August 01, 2014
"How was it cleaning the cleanest building in the world?"
I am visiting my sister and her husband called the other night asking if we wanted to go help clean the Gila Valley Temple. Absolutely I do. It took about an hour to do the whole thing and it actually was the cleanest building. It was shocking and a big deal because I actually found some dust. Other than that small patch, there wasn't much to clean.
It was a great experience. When I normally clean, I usually have tunes blaring or I am singing to myself. I did neither. I was in the Lords house. While I went around dusting a very clean building, there were several things that came to mind.
One had been part of the Relief Society lesson on Sunday. The teacher asked us to remember sacred truths we knew to be true... about a "go-to event" that we went to that made it so we would never doubt our testimony of our Savior. I thought about the experiences I have had that I often return to in my mind. I remember thinking before that I didn't have enough faith because I often returned to these events to buoy up my testimony in harder times. But these are sacred true things I will never be able to deny. These are my go-to events.
Another was the young women's theme that we used to recite every week in class.
It was a great experience. When I normally clean, I usually have tunes blaring or I am singing to myself. I did neither. I was in the Lords house. While I went around dusting a very clean building, there were several things that came to mind.
One had been part of the Relief Society lesson on Sunday. The teacher asked us to remember sacred truths we knew to be true... about a "go-to event" that we went to that made it so we would never doubt our testimony of our Savior. I thought about the experiences I have had that I often return to in my mind. I remember thinking before that I didn't have enough faith because I often returned to these events to buoy up my testimony in harder times. But these are sacred true things I will never be able to deny. These are my go-to events.
Another was the young women's theme that we used to recite every week in class.
We are daughters of our Heavenly Father, who loves us and we love Him. We will stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things and in all places as we strive to live the young womens values, which are:
Faith
Divine Nature
Individual Worth
Knowledge
Choice and Accountability
Good works
Integrity
& Virtue.
We believe as we come to accept and act upon these values, we will be prepared to strengthen home and family, make and keep sacred covenants, receive the ordinances of the temple, and enjoy the blessings of exaltation.
It was something I hadn't thought about in a long time. I recited it to myself again and again trying to make sure I got the subtle changes that they have added over the years. It was also very pressing to me while I stood in one of the sealing rooms looking at the mirrors reflecting each other into eternity. I realize the purpose of those rooms are to seal families for eternity. That to look into them, make sacred promises and also see your spouse and family reflected so many times is everything I want.
But I stood there alone.
I couldn't count how many times my own reflection looked back at me.
My reflection was eternal.
I am eternal.
I am a daughter of God.
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