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[20150728|00:15] |
I have decided to write here after deleting several drafts of unsent emails. I got broken up with a girl I really liked. I knew it was coming. She had been not an ideal companion lately, cancelling dates and not putting out. I wonder if she was trying to get me to break up with her. When I say break up, I am misspeaking. We were never together. She ended things to avoid breaking up. Or avoid being in a relationship. At least with me. She says that her life is out of sorts and she does not want to be in a relationship right now. I suppose I should respect that. But from my perspective, why quit a good thing, unless its not good! We enjoyed each other's company, we fucked like rabbits. We got along swimmingly. The only reason not to continue on with such splendor is if it is not splendorous. I texted her two hours after the initial kick to the sternum, asking if it was actually me, not her. I told her it was okay if it is me, I would prefer the truth. She does not budge. She does not want a relationship, we were headed for relationship territory.
All in all, she was wrong for me. She has bad habits. She bites her nails. She smokes. She gets fall-down drunk. I still really like her. I had been looking forward to visiting her in Rhode Island on fucking Friday. I took off of work. I booked the trip the sinking suspicion that I would not end up going. I booked about a month ago. Right after returned from a previous visit. We had a great time, laughing, loving. Shortly after I returned, the texts got less frequent, fewer heart shaped emojis. For a while I thought that she was just busy with her work. When she got back to town last week and cancelled our date, I knew it was over. I saw her a couple of times last week, noticing a distinct lack of affection. I took her hand a few times, only to have her retract it shortly after. I should have taken a hint.
Sunday morning we were supposed to keg our beer for a competition next month.I texted her at 930, only to get a response at noon asking if we could do it that night. I guess she was trying, she was moderately affectionate.She held my hand and cuddled, but no sex. She was too tired. As she had been the previous two nights we spent together. I knew that nobody was that goddamned tired. Maybe her shit is fucked up. Maybe she is exhausted. She is a night owl. When we first started hanging out, I was bit surprised to learn that she did not get to sleep until nearly midnight. This same woman was done for by 10 pm. To me, the only really reason not see someone is if you do not like spending time with this person.
This really puts things into perspective. Two months ago I thought she was in love. She was. The word love is so broad, it encompasses infatuation. She could not stop talking to me. She could not wait to have my affection. People are so strange. If she is honest, it is strange. I hope she would respect me enough to answer a direct question honestly. That whole its not you shit. I still reject it, wholesale.
I am rearranging the deck chairs on a non-existent ship. I guess this for the best. There was a Sheri sized segment of my mind devoted to her, stealing resources.
I was thinking about love. I do not love her. Which makes all of this okay. I love Maria. I love my dog, I love Almond so much. I of course love my Mother. I think about love. It means very little without context. I can say that without hesitation that I love Maria, even though I do not think about her all damn day long. While with Sheri, I do. But I know that is an infatuation. We did not have any sweat equity. We fought over hypothetical sauce on pasta. Pasta that did not exist. Nothing real. I did my best to keep things light, to focus on just having a good time. That may be a mistake. I took the just have a good time approach. Maybe next time I will try the honesty approach.
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