Unsettled

This one word has been rolling around in my head, my heart and my prayers for the last few years. At first it started like this:
"Lord, I'm so unsettled...help me feel settled. Help me find 'home'. Help me find peace."
And now, even though life is still crazy and I would love to feel 'home' and 'peace', I'm aware of something much bigger.

God doesn't want me to be comfortable and complacent. Especially when that comfort and complacency consist of not-enough-time-with-Him and eat-drink-whatever-I-want-and-be-lazy.

I'm re-reading a wonderful book- "Made to Crave" by Lysa Terkeurst. It's changing me from the inside out. In Chapter 1 she points out something simple, yet shattering. "We crave what we eat."  The obvious reference here is food- if we eat sugar, we crave sugar; if we eat junk food, we crave junk food, but if we can get ourselves to eat healthy for a good amount of time, amazingly, we crave (gasp!) healthy food! The spiritual significance of this hit me hard. I'm not craving time with God (although I can feel the void from not taking it) because I'm not 'eating' it. When I truly put my relationship with God first...when I spend time talking with Him and reading His word, then I truly DO crave that. And my soul is happy.

Lysa also says that a lot of us find ourselves spiritually malnourished, while our physical self is over-nourished. Oh boy. She's got me pinned.

So this unsettling now, it's a good thing. I'm asking God to get in my heart...to shake me up. To clean out my complacency...my excuses...my laziness. I want Him to turn me upside down and make me uncomfortable so that I can grow. So that I can shake this hold that food has over me, and turn those cravings to God.

Let the 'unsettling' begin!

Rejection, my old friend

It's amazing how the present can bring up the past and make it seem so real again.

I was talking with my oldest daughter about her day at school. She told me with excitement about how she got to play in the sandbox, go to the library, and even write a short story about Hazel (our dog). Then I noticed a cloud pass over her face. Her light went out for a minute, and my heart ached for what was going to come next.

"Mommy...no one wants to play with me at recess anymore. Not even my friends. I ask everybody, and nobody wants to play with me."

Oh how this mama's heart hurt at those words!

I dug a little deeper and was able to find out that while she did play by herself at one recess, she played with 2 girl friends during the 2nd recess. They taught her some new tricks on the monkey bars and she was very excited. But the rejection of the first recess was what lingered in her mind.

I relate to those feelings of loneliness more than I'd like. Feelings of rejection have been my friends for a long time. After a while, they became my protection, if you will.

God has been speaking to my heart about friendships lately. About how important they are...how He wants us to walk in community. To be authentic with each other. To bear each other's burdens and share each other's sorrows.

It's hard, starting, or even deepening friendships when you're afraid of being rejected. It's hard to be real when 'real' might not be fun and hip.

But God is teaching me that it is necessary. Community. Fellowship, is necessary. If I take big chances and share my real self, then there may be big rewards. Yes, I might be rejected. But what I'm working on accepting is that I'm here 'on purpose'. God has a plan for me, and even if someone else rejects me, He never will and it's worth the risk.

That's my challenge for myself this month- to go out of my comfort zone to reach out to someone and be real to them. To put myself out there despite the possible cost.

Even if it means that "nobody wants to play with me", I know that my Father in heaven takes great delight in me.

"The Lord your God in your midst,

The Mighty One, will save;

He will rejoice over you with gladness,

He will quiet you with His love,

He will rejoice over you with singing."
Zephaniah 3:17

Wrestling

When I was younger and more full of myself, I read the story of how Jacob wrestled with an angel of God. I remember thinking to myself "What a jerk! How could someone wrestle with God? They must be prideful and arrogant. And then to say "I'm not letting go until you bless me?"! I can't even imagine!"

Fast forward ten years or so to a morning last week. Upon waking, I felt sore all over and emotionally drained. My husband was in our room getting ready for the day. "Honey," I muttered sleepily "I feel like I was up all night wrestling with God."

Oh, how I am like Jacob!

I am changing things in my life right now. I'm working on losing weight, changing my eating, and craving God more than food or approval. And I'll tell you...it's hard. Unbelievably hard.

You'd think it would be easy, right? To do what is good, what is honorable, what is right. Even though I know this in my head, I still wrestle. I wrestle with God when I try to take my negative thoughts captive. I wrestle with God when I really want to eat the brownies that I just pulled out of the oven for small group tonight. I wrestle with God when all I want to do is lie on the couch and feel sorry for myself and He tells me "take care of the family I blessed you with."

I think I wrestle with the enemy as well. I hear his voice hissing in my ear when I start to think about what I deserve. I can feel him trying to pull me down when I'm striving to be more like Jesus.

It's not easy.

Today, for example. Our small group from church is meeting tonight and Mondays have become one of our hardest days. My husband and I tell each other "Remember, it's Monday" before he leaves in the morning. Mondays seem to be the day for missed appointments, grumpy children, a naughty puppy, messy house-you get the picture.

Last night was a rough night in our home- my husband is sick right now and has been since August. It's a very frustrating, challenging thing that we're trying to get through as joyfully as possible, but last night was especially hard. Because of his illness, among other things, he is having swollen, painful joints. He was hobbling around with a hurt ankle for a week or so, then the other ankle, then his wrist, and last night his back was spasming. He had just gotten Zach out of the tub and had to call for me to come get him. I love my husband and it hurts to see him like this. It hurts to not be able to help him. And, if I'm honest, I don't know that I'm strong enough to do this all on my own, while he's struggling through this illness.

Today I've been e-mailing with a sweet friend who recently had a miscarriage. I was telling her my stories in the chance that they would bring her hope. But while writing them, I could hear the enemy whispering in my ear "See? You've been through so much already...you deserve more. You deserve health and happiness now. You deserve sunshiney days and happy times, not all this heartache and stress. What is God doing for you?"

So I wrestle. I wrestle because I want to know God more. I wrestle because I want the truth...not lies. Truth that comes from knowing God in an intimate way through struggles and not believing the lies of "I deserve." I wrestle because I want to break free from these chains of food, approval, even parental nurturing from my husband, and to live in freedom. I wrestle because I want to find the joy in each day and to go to bed knowing that maybe God would say "Well done, Renee...well, done."

I press on. I wrestle. I take thoughts captive. I try to resist food that would be bad for me. I attempt to be patient with my children. I try to be sensitive and loving to my husband. And I don't want to let go until He blesses me, even if that happens in Heaven.

Weight Loss Wednesday

"You told them the number? Do other people actually put the number????"

I told my husband that I started doing 'Weight Loss Wednesdays' for accountability, and the above is his response when I told him that I posted my starting weight. He meant it innocently enough, but his comment was enough to make me nervous. Did I do something wrong? Did I put too much out there? Did I offend someone, or go somewhere I shouldn't have?

My answer, for myself, is "no". Yes, the number I started from is embarrassing. Yes, it might make someone uncomfortable. But one thing that I am learning on my journey of craving God and not food is that "I am not defined by the number on the scale." So why should it bother me what other people think about that number? It's not who I am.

I'm reading Lysa Terkeurst's 'Made to Crave' right now and it is changing me. God is working through my eating habits and thoughts about food and He is making me a new creation. If I'm honest with you I'll tell you that it doesn't always feel good...like the time I called my husband crying because I really wanted to go through McD's and get their chocolate chip cookies. Or when I missed small group on Monday night to stay home and cuddle a baby with an ear infection and was counting on hubby to bring home some dinner for me (they had roast...my mouth was watering for it all day), but neither he nor the person who cooked remembered and so I had to eat a couple of slices of canadian bacon instead. Or when we were at a friends' house and Becca says "We have Oreo cookies, but daddy keeps them in his car while he's at work so that mommy doesn't eat them all." (This is true by the way, and suggested by me, not my husband.)

The point is- for this week anyway, food did not control me. I didn't think about food all day (except maybe that roast), I didn't overeat and regret it later, and I practiced self-control. This is a huge victory for me! I should end this post right there and say that this last week was a success, because the rest doesn't matter so much. Regardless of what the scale said, I had a victorious week, with God's help. We even keep the Oreos in the pantry now and I am able to dole them out to the kids without eating them myself. (This is a BIG victory!)

But to be consistent...I also happened to lose 2.5 lbs. Thank you Lord!

Weight Loss Wednesday

This is a first for me, this thing called 'Weight Loss Wednesday'.

I'm realizing though, that I do much better when I am held accountable. When I take the things that I would like to keep in the dark, hidden, and bring them into light to be seen. If I have to tell people where I'm at, it makes it real.

So...here goes.

When I started my most recent weight loss journey I started at (I can't tell you how embarrassed I am to admit this) 194.5 lbs. I'm 5'5, and was very firmly set in the 'obese' category.

Today the scale greeted me with a number that still shames me, but that tells me I'm on my way. 182. I've lost 12.5 lbs since the beginning of February. In over 2 months, I've lost 12 lbs. Part of me wants to celebrate, and another part wants to hang my head in shame for letting myself get here in the first place.

I told myself that it was okay...that being pregnant 5 times in 3 years did me in. That anyone else in my place would have done the same.

Whatever the reason, it's where I am.

I'm reading Lysa Terkeurst's 'Made to Crave' right now and I love it. It's freeing me. The truth she is helping me see has set me free enough to write this post. Because one day soon, the numbers won't define me. Who I am, in Christ, doesn't depend on the scale.

So, there you have it. Happy Wednesday!