One A M

Am home alone with A. One a.m. is the loneliest hour - when your child had just spent the last full hour screaming himself awake, his whole body tensing, his cries unfamiliar, for reasons you know not what. The way your heart prays please please don't let this be anything bad. The way you just do what you can and not have any moment to think, and nothing works. The way you just wish you are not alone. The way you beg your child to be okay. And the absolute relief, and exhaustion, when he finally calms down, turns around to put his little arms around you and falls asleep. The way you tell yourself, it's okay, it's okay, it's all okay now.

Not all that.

Bumped into a ghost from my past today. Funny how much we can build someone up in our heads. We make them larger than life. We worm our insecurities and self-doubt around them. And then one day, there they are, right in front of your face, and you realise:
1) They are not all that. Not at all.
2) They have an equally larger than life image of YOU inside their heads. And they are just as insecure.
3) There is no point to it.
Paths crossed once. You'll inevitably pass by each other again once in a while. Nothing to it - just move on. You both have very different destinations, and the world may be small but it is big enough for the both of you.

The mothering debate

Lately I've been having more and more conversations with myself about what type of mother I am and whether I am making the right choices. These conversations are not doubts, though. Simply assessments. Truth be told, I have, to my own surprise, complete confidence in that I am doing what is best for me and my family.

I see debates and arguments here and there about the stay-at-home mothers versus working mothers. I always baffles me how people (more often than not, it is the mothers themselves) are very hard on each other on this topic. A lot of high horses in this debate.

There is a current uproar back home, about a CCTV recording of an Indonesia maid mistreating the baby in her care. I was taken aback by many comments in various websites, blaming the parents (read: mother) for having a career and leaving the childcare in the hands of a carer. Parenting is hard enough without these unsolicited judgements from others. People make their choices and they all have their reasons and justifications.

I have chosen differently. I stay at home, trying to juggle a freelancing career, which is not easy. The biggest challenge for the moment lies in the fact that I have lost much of my passion for the career, and wish to be even more present as a mother. This year is the year I reassess my choices and options.

Tell me it'll be alright

Just an hour ago, I was too stressed, too overwhelmed with work that I couldn't sleep. It gets like that for me from time to time. I find myself boxed in and unable to see the way out. Tonight I decided to ask for help. That was all it took, asking for help. S-O-S-ed my work supervisor and plainly told him I'm overwhelmed, I need to vent, so we Skyped. Just a short talk, go over things rationally, and voila, I feel ok again. I can breathe. It's not the end of the world.

There is one other stress factor right now. Separation anxiety. After one full year of always being in A's life, full-time, I am going to have to leave him behind for two weeks. It's breaking my heart but I'm trying not to think too much about it. Just do it, get it over with and come back to him when I'm done.
At least I know I can say that for the first year of his life, I have been fully present.
We'll be fine.
I'll be fine.

I've decided. Working just doesn't suit me. Haha. A major career change is in the horizon, me thinks.

Remember You

In the sea of birthday wishes that I am receiving today, an email came in.

It's from me.

Gosh. I can't remember when I did that. It was years ago. Some software/website that I stumbled upon that lets you write a message to yourself that will be sent to you, in the future. Well apparently my future is now. I received that message from myself and here's what it said:

Have you forgotten who you are and who you wanted to be? I hope not. You wanted to be good and to do good. You wanted to be happy.
On this day, you were lonely. You had a lot that belonged to you, a lot that you can be proud of. You had love. But you weren't whole.
Are you now? I hope so. I really do hope so.
And in case you have forgotten - you are good. 

I don't remember when that was, where was I and what was going on in my life then. But I'd like to say thank you to that person, for caring enough to look ahead and remind me to remember myself. If I could reply to my old self, I'd say simply that no, I haven't forgotten, and yes, I am happy.

Validation

I love how God knows what you need long before you do, and every so often, He responds to you in a way that feels very personal, very direct.

I was suddenly feeling overwhelmed with work. The sheer volume and urgency of it had been building up, and last night I stopped for a moment and had the thought, "I'm about to drown".
It was that quiet, eerily clear instant - just as you are about to slip and go under.

Then this email came in. I don't normally put things that are work-related online, or anything that involves others. But the timing of this email, and the personal nature of it (from a major client/collaborator who had, up till now, been all business), is priceless to me.

Oh the timing was exquisite. It was just that little push that I needed to stay afloat. Just to be acknowledged. Just to know I am not alone. And of course, validation.

The email:

K - 
Just wanted to say that I and many others are acknowledging the amazing efforts you are putting into the [work]. We do not know how you do it all and it is all very good quality. Thanks and keep up the good work! I am worried that you are becoming over-burdened and that the load is too stressful. Please do advise and push back if that is the case. 
D. 

Closure

2012 is turning out to be a year of closures.

People from my past seem to be coming forward, making their presence felt again. People I wanted out of my life.

But they came back.
One settled a debt. Another made amends. And the last moved on.

I forgive.
and that frees me.

Nothing that the rain can't fix

It has been raining all day.
The kind of rain I love. But then again, I love all kinds of rain.
Today, it's soft and gentle. You won't even notice it unless you look out the window.
Soft and gentle is perfect for the soul.
Soft and gentle feeds the soul the strength it needs.

All will be right.

If ever again

I had forgotten.
Then I was reminded.
So now I hurt all over again.


Some scars take a long time to heal. If ever at all. Even after years and years, one or two remain raw.

Somewhere deep in my heart I made a promise to myself last night. I don't even know if I want to keep that promise. It wasn't one I made with my head. It was one my heart made for me. Perhaps those are the most important promises of all.

This is the promise my heart made for me last night:
If there is ever a one more time, it will be for me.
No idealisms.
No sacrifices.
No expectations.
No conditions.
No guilt.


It really is a sad thing, to be sad in your heart. It is a cold, lonely place, sadness. Especially this particular kind of sad. The quiet one. It just sits there inside of you, like a pebble at the bottom of a pool.
It's just there.

Narcissus

Hmm. My narcissism score.
http://personality-testing.info/tests/NPI.php


Authority 25%
Self-sufficiency 17%
Superiority 60%
Exhibitionism 14%
Exploitativeness 20%
Vanity 33%
Entitlement 67%