How awesome is this
http://www.verbsonasphalt.com/index.php?option=com_wrapper&Itemid=21&video=Brady

Hurray for Brady!

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It's amazing how much one or two bad days can make your life seem like utter shit and make you question everything in it.

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liana's test thingie
I'm not sure how accurate it is...but its interesting anyway

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stupid friendships
so fran, katie, and boni neither answer the phone when i call nor return phone calls ever. its very sad to lose friends. boo

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thoughts
So, I have been doing a lot of thinking. Maybe it will eventually amount to a sort of life philosophy/belief, but for right now, they are all just separate thoughts floating around in my head. There will be alot of contradiction and self questioning in this. And I'm probably not going to proof-read it before posting....

The first, has to do with magic versus organized religion. Part of this, I am sure, has to do with reading Charles DeLint books. They always put me in a strange place in my head. Although I do not BELIEVE per se in magic, some how it still rings much truer than any version of organized religion. I do not think that there is any more "truth" in fairy tales and the like, than in any one's books on god. However, when it is dark and I am along, it is definately creatures from magic that people my thoughts. Not necessarily anything as firm as that, more just, that the feeling is more of "something" rather than perhaps a fear of intruders or a sense of evil. Likewise, I get feelings of things unseen much more than the presence of a "god" watching me if I am in a particularly serene place. I think that maybe that has more to do with what I have been raised around, and what I choose to read than anything else. Perhaps people who are religious feel the presence of their god at those times. If you aked me if I believe in fairies and witches and the like, I would probably say no, but at the same time, I don't entirely disbelieve them either. I feel like the dogma behind organized religion is much more comforting, seems righter somehow, but I believe it not at all. If there was a cosmic system of rewards and punishments, that would feel logical. People would either go to heaven or hell, or they are reincarnated to work out their past kinks. But not so much in my mind. Another part of this has to do with my belief that the earth, and humanity in general, is not unique. Although aliens have not been proven, there is something in me that cannot believe that of all of the planets extant in the universe, earth is the only one with life. Also, returning to religion, although I am not religious, it is hard for me to accept that 99% of all people who have ever lived in the entire length of human existence have been dellusional. There has never been a culture that has arisen EVER that was wholly aethiest. Religion is in the nature of humanity. This could simply be because of higher cognition, because the search for something higher is part of humanity, not necessarily the presence of a deity. Yet, all these things combine to make me feel that there is definately more out there than our senses could tell us, and that those things might be interpretted as magic or gods. Anyway that was jumbled but maybe there is some sense in it.

The second part of this is the proper organization of goals in people's lives. When I first entered college, I had decided through a lot of thought, that the three major goals in life were goodness, truth, and beauty. Imagine my disappointment when we read Plato and he said the exact same thing. I felt very unoriginal. Anyway, I have recently started to change my mind on this. Currently, I think that the only real value in life is beauty. Beauty of the rather small kind. Let me explain myself. Truth is an abstract concept. I don't think true truth has been or ever will be attainable. Therefore, it is important to be as truthful as you can, and seek truth whenever possible, but always with the knowledge that what you are seeking does not exist. Goodness is the same way. Because goodness related entirely to cause and effect, there is no way of practically using goodness. Once again, it is important to try to be good in your life, but it is not an attainable goal. There is no way of knowing if what you are doing is actually good, or if the things that people did actually came out a desire to do good, rather than were simply actions that resulted in a temporary good. Beauty on the other hand is different. There is no ultimate beauty either, but it matters less. Whereas peoples searches for truth and good, are dependent on their interactions with others, a search for beauty is not. And more often with beauty is it more of a recognition than a search. The worst thing that can happen with a thing of beauty is that others might not find it beautiful. But some how that seems much less more traumatic than if people do not agree that something is good or something is true. This is because goodness and truth are much more abstract. Part of me thinks that this is a sell-out system. I basically think beauty is the only one left because it is shallower. But that is only true if you don't appreciate beauty. The rose bushes in my backyward make me happy every single day. Only because they are beautiful. A piece of music can change your whole outlook for a time, purely because it is beautiful to you. This begins to break down to some extent when you talk about giant momuments of man-made beauty, like the pyramids. They do not exist simply, but because of slavery and kings who wished to shwo they were gods. Once again, not a completed idea, but something I am thinking about alot.

The final part of this really just occured to me last night. We were watching HGTV and What's My Sign Design came on. That made me start thinking about astrology in general. Now, my birthday is the 20th, but it was supposed to be November 21st. I think that is interesting because I am not very Leo, however, when my astrological chart is made, it fits me perfectly. Another odd coincidence, is that all over my chart is Scorpio, the sign I was supposed to be born under. Coincidence because that would be the same for all people born in this area of the world at that time on August 20th, 1982. Another funniness is that the person I have managed to actually create a life with is a Scorpio. But none of this is here or there. I just find it very interesting. Once again, if you asked if I believed in astrology I would probably say no, but it interests me greatly. And part of me thinks that if the butterfly affect is correct, can we say without doubt that the giant orbs circling around us, that all of the rest of existence outside our planet, has no effect on us. I don't know. ANYWAY the point to all of this is, that had Christianity and Astrology both formed at the same time and in the relatively modern world, there would be a very good reason for Christians to not like astrology. As it stands, they just don't like it because it a hold-over from earlier paganism. However, what astrology is actually saying is, that people do not truly exist until the moment that they are born. That the time in the womb is meaningless. That has great implications for abortion and the like. One thought believes that the soul exists from the moment of conception, and the other believes that it only develops at birth.


Anyway, I'm done rambling. If any of you read this, tell me what you think.

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I WANT TO GO GOTH DANCING!!!!!

any suggestions now that the pulse/blu no longer has goth nite?

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so, i thought i was ok with surgery...but im not...
im not ok with having to take three months off of work and possibly losing the only good job tht i got here
im not ok with being bed ridden for two months
im not ok with having to have some one take me to the bathroom and dress me
im not ok with chris or my mom having to take me to physical therapy every day
im not ok with being in constant pain for an indefinite (possibly years) period of time
im not ok with not having enough money
im not ok with having my insurance run out and not being able to find an insurance company that will cover my physical therapy
its too much.
im not ok with it. im not.

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quitting
so i am quitting smoking....

i don't know if i'm quite ready yet

BUT

Chris is going out of town for three days this week, so I won't have anyone to smoke with and then we are going to my mom's on fri-sun so i won't be able to smoke there.

That will give me five days of flat out not smoking, by which point the need will hopefull not be as strong.

REASONS WHY:

1. surgery - smoking weakens your immune system and thickens your blood. if i am really as scared about this as i feel that i am, i should not do things that will increase the likelihood of something going wrong.

2. genetics - i know that i have smaller veins than the average person, doctor's have to take blood samples from me with a baby needle. i also have a family history of heart attacks and strokes. i bitch and complain about my genetic obesity, but do nothing to mitigate my other genetics.

3. I have ASTHMA.

4. Randall - kids should not be around smoke. period.

5. I haven't ever let my mother know I smoke. her mom died of lung cancer. it would tear her to pieces if she ever found out. i don't need to give my mom a reason to be crazy at me.

6. I'm on a health kick. it seems pointless to work out and eat healthy, if i'm poisoning my body every day with cigarettes.

7. it smells bad. really it does. and the people at work get all grossed out when they have to be around me after i smoke....and it makes my car stinky.

8. maybe i won't have a sore throat and runny nose every day if i stop smoking.

Well, i think that about covers it. wish me luck

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Oh my God....HURT.

So for those of you who don't know, I'm having knee surgery again. They are taking ligaments from a dead person and putting them in me. I have from now until October to prepare mentally and physically for everything that this surgery will entail.

Last week, I went to the physical therapist. Now I am doing pilates three times a week, swimming four times a week, and doing knee-specific exercises every other day.

I AM SORE!!!!!!

PS
at some point I hit the wrong year on a post, so now I have to post everything from a year in the future....

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SOOOOO.... i've spent the entire day working on my resume and applying for jobs. along with positions at the journal, i have applied for about 15 jobs online. please let some of them contact me. my new game plan is to
A) find a good paying job
B) save up to go back to school so that i don't have to go $17000 in debt
C) during this time, figure out if i want to get my degree in secondary education, in library science, or go ahead and move to elsewhere and get a phd in history

IF

i don't get a good job, and by august am still only making $8/hr, i will go to grad school for secondary education because at least that will give me a decent job, even if i have to pay back student loans

le sigh

i hate being broke

Current Mood: listless

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To paradise and back
So my trip is pretty much over. It's thursday morning and my dad has gone to take Em and Claire to the airport. Dylan is at school. This trip seemed waaaay too short. Granted, it was a week, but usually when I come down, I stay for a WHILE. I feel like I'm 12 again and wishing that my parents were together, even though that really wasn't what I wanted. I love my family and I love Chris and Randall and I just wish that they weren't a billion miles away from each other. BUT it has been a fabulous time. I'm gonna give a run-down of my week.

Friday morning, the girls, my dad, and I went to Carambola, which is this awsome beach that is on a resort. It's the only beach on the island with real waves (sometimes) and then when you get tired of boogie boarding, you can go chill at the pool and order drinks and stuff. Now I had bought a new bathingsuit before I came, that tied in the middle of my chest and went up to my neck. When I was thinking about how I wouldn't have shoulder tan lines, I forgot that meant that I would have big damn lines in the middle of my chest. SOOOO of course I got FRIED (despite the fact that I was wearing 45 spf sunblock.) My boobs and stomach were lobster red, and then I had red smudges and lines all over the rest of my body where I hadn't done a good job of putting on sunscreen AND the big white line up my chest. I was terribly funny looking. Well, AM funny looking. Now its all peeling off and I look as though I had leprosy.

Friday night we went to see Jesus Christ Superstar. Through some long involved thing of indebtedness, my dad had somehow promised the producer that he would take all of us to see it. None of us kids had seen it before. Lemme tell you, that show is WEIRD. First of all, Jesus was played by this other musician on the island, David James. We know David fairly well because he and my dad share gig shots. He normally plays Beatlers tunes and some Eagles...classic rock beachy stuff. So it was amusing to see him as freaking JESUS. Jenny and I kept busting up laughing in inopputune parts, much to the chagrin of the people behind us. It got really weird when the whole Passion bit started and they stripped and flogged our friend and hung him on a cross. All to the accompaniment of silver-clad dancing go-go girls. Very strange. It was somewhere between S&M night at the goth club, normal theatre, and crazy religion. Nobody in the audience was laughing at the go-go girls (except us) and yeah. Odd times.

Despite the strangeness, much fun was had.

Saturday was Mardi Croix. I will post pictures when I get to a computer that isn't using dialup. Mardi Croix is alot of fun. It's a teeny time parade, with much bead throwing, and people were trashed by 11 in the morning. I got to see some friends who were at the festivities and that was good fun. Highlights include, watching the entire staff of Tuttu Bene (the restaurant I used to work at) parade down the street booty-dancing and chugging mini-bottles of liquor, and a decked out donkey with a cart. Oh and then there was the bright orange Nova that the kids had to pull me out to go look at, which then broke down in the middle of the parade and had to be pushed the rest of the way. By 1ish, the drunkeness was reaching new levels, and we went home for the day.

Sunday was low key. We went to the beach with Jenny, Sax and Mont, and the four of us kids. Dad had to work all day. Em had a couple friends out there. Much fun was had, and then we got pizza and movies and went home. OH and I bought two cartons of cigarettes for $30. TOTAL.

Monday was awsome. One of the students that my dad teaches is this 16 year old, home-schooled kid that is awesome at guitar and a professional sailor. So he and his parents took the five of us out on their boat to Buck Island. We went snorkeling along the nature trail, which is fabulous. Em and I saw a baracuda. Then we went over to the island, hiked up the observation deck on the top of the island, and generally splashed around and had fun. Then we went back and ate at Luncheria, which is this psuedo-mexican food place that is outside in Christiansted and is full of chickens. The tree behind us had a termite next in it that was as big as I am. Ah, good times in the ghetto island.

So yeah, we were pretty beat on Tuesday and spent the day out of the sun (sorta) and walked around Christiansted and bought gifts for people. Em came across an embalmed shark in a bottle. I SOOO woulda gotten someone an embalmed shark if I hadnt already gotten all my gifts.

Yesterday, we went back out to Carambola and boogie boarded. The waves were HUGE 10-foot tubes, and we got smashed. It was great fun, but I am sore all over. I did a couple of face-plants, several flips, and all sortsa good stuff.


And that was my fun-filled week. I leave at 2 to get back on the plane and be stuck in airports for 12 hours. Then its back to the real world for me.

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sooo....

i had my first strip club experience tonight.

my impressions:

first of all, strippers are not sexy. in any way. most of the things they did, i found really funny, but not sexy. and after a bit i sorta ignored them all together. i was really expecting more of a show

whem you see strippers in movies, they always have costumes and really dance. these strippers pretty much came on stage naked, and then walked around on the stage till they found someone with money and devoted themselves to them. the few times they did dance, they were horribly stiff.

with the exception of tom, all the guys i was with seemed sorta uncomfortable. they didn't really "relish" the strippers at all.


it wasn't really unpleasant. the place is kept warm to my likings, the chairs were comfortable, and smokes and drinks were plentiful. however, none of that has to do with the strippers, and as i said before, they just sorta faded into the background after a while.

there is nothing exciting about seeing what you could see if you looked in a mirror. i dont understand lesbianism.

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i am so excited. my grandfather is a wonderful fabulous human being a sent me a pep note with $300 attached because he's great. i haven't even told him that im broke and struggling. and the upshot of all of this is that i should be able to pay off all of my credit card and have a bit of money left over. hurray!

in other news, i got my grad school application all done, to discover that my advisory form was never signed by the lady i met with from unm. so i had to make another appointment with her to sign the damn piece of paper before i can submit my ap. BUT that will happen on tuesday, and then i will have officially applied. check one task off my list.

i also typed and mailed an 8-page letter to my grandpa in response to an article he had sent me. i'd been putting that off for about two weeks. check another one off the list.

i am also reading a 1000 page history of the british isles. it's really hard to understand, but it makes me feel productive.

My goals for the next 8 months:
get accepted to grad school
get through my job until school starts (assuming i get in)
finish the draft of my grandfather's autobiography
finish both the french and italian books that i bought
get the classical guitar books my dad bought me for christmas, and learn some songs
find a fencing class
after this month, save $400/month so that i will have savings to go to school/possibly move into a bigger place
find freelance writing jobs

i think that is it. my plan is to report every month and let myself know how far i have progressed in each of my goals.

i'll keep my fingers crossed for myself.

Current Mood: determined

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so i havent posted in a while.

lately, things have been rough. i've been sick for two and a half months straight, i don't like my job, and i generally feel like a rubber band that is stretched to the breaking point. all the time. chris is out of town, and all he can talk about is how im cheating on him while he's gone. it makes me not want to talk to him. i miss my friends. i just sorta want to crawl in bed and never get out. except i cant, cuz i have to work and pay bills that are over $500 right now.

BLAH

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huh fairly accurate

Your Birthdate: August 20

You are a virtual roller coaster of emotions, and most people enjoy the ride. Your mood tends to set the tone of the room, and when you're happy, this is a good thing. When you get in a dark mood, watch out - it's very hard to get you out of it. It's sometimes hard for you to cheer up, and your gloom can be contagious. Your strength: Your warm heart Your weakness: Trouble controlling your emotions Your power color: Black Your power symbol: Musical note Your power month: February

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so....i am applying to Oxford for grad school. craziness.

in other news, things are good. working at a montessori school with itty bitty kids and i love it.


the boy and the leetle boy are fabulousity incarnate.

and i am 23!

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soooo.... the boy and i went to bed fairly early last night and woke up to find chaos reigning in the apartment, or at least, the aftermass of chaos. and i am left wondering, what the hell happened while we were sleeping?

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Let's see... where do I start? Sometimes I feel odd. It's so hard to explain it, except through the word fey. I sit there and thoughts go round and round in my head. I have the exact words to describe it, until I try to write them all down. Sometimes I feel not-quite-human. That I really wasn't born in Albuquerque NM from two very human parents. Like I havent lived through what I lived through. Like there is another level beneath the most common one. Like there is a streak of wildness that runs through me that is totally unexplainable by common terminality. I attribute it mostly to readin too much fantasy at too young an age. It's like... most children believe in magic, in other words, in different creatures. But I've never quite grown out of it, and on nights like tonight, I feel like it is a part of me. And it's not even the sort of thing that I could get out by writing a story. The words that would be used to describe it are too concrete. They squeeze the essense out of it.

Sometimes I feel like a gust of wind could sweep me away on its currents, that I could turn a corner, and be lost in the world of faerie. That things are flickering just beyond my level of consciousness, and I sense them there. If religion is faith, then I am almost religious. Only it's not really a faith. If I think about it in any practical terms, it is silly, and it disappears. I am not some neo-pagan wiccan something. And I can't even define it as spirituality, because its not a belief or an idea, it's just a feeling sometimes.

And I think that a lot of the reason why I am so discontented at my job, and at anything normal, is because it puts blinders on me. It forces practicallity down my throat and makes me accept the reality of the situation, that life is mundane and boring and predictable. That I am a poor, semi-educated dreamer who currently has to work at a call center to make ends meet. It's like daily having to fit myself into a little box that is totally devoid of any imagination whatsoever. Life is wandering. It is finding new things that simply overcome you with amazement. It is not mundanity.

Reading this, I realize how delusional I sound. I wish people could see into my head, because there really isn't any way of explaining it. Its much more like the fantasy world of Charles Delint than anything else I have read. There are secrets, that are always there and always will be there, it's just that they can only be seen by certain people. I would feel so cheated if I found out definitively that there is nothing irrational and beautiful about our reality. There's lots of irrational ugliness, but that doesn't help at all.

I don't know.

Excuse the fey streak. I need to go, swim naked in a moonlit pond or something.

Current Mood: indescribable

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gawd caffiene overloads suck

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purchase spring crawl tickets (check!)

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