Tatttoos

 

Some guys from the Seventies without tattoos

Remember life before tattoos? I do, it was back in the Seventies.

I almost got a tattoo once. That happened while I was going to Army Security Agency school at Ft. Devens, Massachusetts in the summer of 1960. 

Almost. At the last minute I decided not to go out one Saturday night with several of my fellow Army buddies to the nearby town of Ayer and get a tattoo. The Tattoo I was going to get was a small bird right above my right ankle.

 I've never regretted not getting a tattoo. I don't get (understand) tattoos anyway. Not then and not now. 

I also passed up a chance for my first heterosexual sexual experience (visiting a local whorehouse) with my Army buddies. That's a story for another day.

Eleven Years Ago Yesterday

 

Pat and Ron, The Hollywood Hills, West Hollywood, California January 14, 2014

Happened to come across this picture of me and Pat taken eleven years ago to the day yesterday when we first visited California. 

It's been quite a ride since with this wonderful man who is now my husband.

With all the chaos, hate and turmoil in the world, this gentle man keeps me grounded. 

Peace

 

Peace

 

With are the unbelievable chaos going on in the United States these days I'm going to take a break.

I'm just too exhausted.

Dental Visit

 

Dental visit January 14, 2013, seven months before my I found out I had prostate cancer

Yesterday I had my quarterly dental checkup. 

Always painful experience.

Usually just cleaning my teeth but at my age some of my gums are very sensitive. This time my dental hygienist (whom I like very much should she read this), applied some local anesthesia to that tender gum which helped a lot. 

Before she began cleaning my teeth she asked me the usual question I'm always asked now when I visit my regular checkup appointments with my doctors be they my cardiologist, pediatrician, urologist, dermatologist or my longtime primary care doctor at the VA. They ask "Any changes in your medical condition or prescriptions since the last time we visited?" Automatically I almost began with usual answer "No" but this time I caught myself and said "As a matter of fact there is" and I began telling her about the probable return of my prostate cancer. I also told her I wasn't going to have any treatment to delay the spread of that cancer should that fact be confirmed when I have my PET-SCAN this June.

Of course she was a bit taken aback but when I told her how old I was (she said "You don't look that old", thanks!) and there wasn't much point in delaying my eventual departure from this life. Most of my friends are gone and I have no immediate family who cares one way or the other about me, they're under the influence of my one surviving MAGA brother who I stopped speaking to over three years ago when he was screaming at me over the phone that George Floyd killed himself. Long sentence there, sorry about that.

I think she understood my reasoning. I also reminded her that we all have a "date" reserved for us when we take that Final Trip. She's young but she understood that. I told her I'm ready. I don't need to be physically tortured anymore in my life with instruments, radiation and medicines to gain a few more months of a physical existence that is already compromised by my eighty four year old body. I can't do much of what I could do twenty or even ten years ago and I certainly don't want to go out like Bill did, blind, weak, confused and in great discomfort. She agreed this was my decision and mine along. I told her that once I get a diagnosis of six months or less to live, I'm "pushing the button" which I demonstrated to her with my right forefinger on that little dental tray that holds her instruments right next to my head. I also told her that Delaware has a Right To Die Law that is in effect now (she wasn't aware) and that I intend to use it should I come to that point. 

The only person I feel bad for is Pat. I love him and he loves me but he is quite comfortable living apart from me (he lives in Canada, we talk daily by FaceTime and he visits me a couple times a year). I feared dying before Bill because he was so dependent on me and would have absolutely no one if I died before him. Pat has himself and his friends in Canada. Oh I'm sure he'll miss me but it's not like Bill. Pat has always lived by himself and is quite independent. He will continue to do so. Maybe move to Palm Springs which he loves.

My cleaning went well. No cavities. I told my hygienist that "In my next life I'm going to take better care of my teeth when I'm young and growing up." That made her smile. As I checked out I had to renew my dental insurance. Not surprisingly, that went up. It's now $460 a year. Covers two free cleanings and 15% off of any dental work. I doubt if I'll ever have any more dental work at my age. In fact I doubt if I'll even be back at this dentist this time next year. 

My next doctor's visit is with my primary care doctor at the VA. I'll explain my new health situation to him and ask him how he feels about signing off to my Final Journey. I want to make sure I have the right doctors who are on board with me if and when I have to make that decision. No last minute scrambling around looking for doctors. I need two of them to sign off. 

Comfortable With My Decision

 

Me swimming in Provincetown Bay, summer 1979

Now that I have made my decision not to seek further treatment for my prostate cancer I feel so relieved. 

I didn't expect to feel this way. I expected that I would have made the lessor of two bad choices but instead I feel this vast relief. Now I know how I will live the rest of my life. On my own terms, which is as it should be.

Here are the next steps I take:

This June I will again have a blood test to determine if my PSA score has increased significantly. I will also have a PET-SCAN procedure to determine if my prostate cancer has spread to other parts of my body.

I am taking these tests out of curiosity and not to determine what kind of treatment (chemo, or surgery) to have. I've already made up my mind that if my cancer has returned I will continue to live my life as I have been the last thirteen years. 

I have determined that at my age, eighty-fours years old, any further treatment would diminish what quality of life I have left now. I have other old age ailments and I do not want to add to those ailments just to gain a few more years of life when I enter into my late eighties and early nineties. Quite frankly folks, I don't want to live to be as old as Bill, who was ninety-five years old when he died. His last three years of life were pure misery for him. He had no quality of life. I will not take that route as my exit from this fabulous life that I have had in this existence. 

I will inform both of my doctors, my urologist and my main doctor at the VA of my decision not to seek treatment for my prostate cancer. I will also ask them that if and when my prostate cancer gets really bad, like spreading to my bones or other organs in my body, to sign on to my wish end my life. All I need in Delaware now is for two doctors to verify I have less that six months to live.

Looks folks, we're all going to die. That's a certainty. The only difference with me is that I get to determine when I die, if it should come to that. Of course there is always the possibility I will die of something else. In fact it is a very good possibility I could die of something else before my prostate cancer consumes this old body. In the meantime I continue on as I have my past eighty-four years. Living life to the fullest. Just the thought of undergoing more grueling treatments and/or surgery was depressing me. I'm not depressed anymore. I'm happy.

If it should come to the pull the plug on myself, that's somewhat ironic because I am that family member who was always chosen to take the pet to the vet to have them put to sleep. No body else in my family could or would do it. At last count I took two of my Mother's Dogs, and five of our (me and Bill) dogs to the vet. I also took one of my pet chickens (she broke her leg). If I could have the humanity to put out pets out of their final days of suffering I surely can take myself out. As I've said many times before on this blog, I've had a good run here folks. Any more days I have left, it's all gravy now. And yes, Pat is aware of my decision. He would prefer e to get treatment but he understands my decision and if it comes to that, he will be with my, holding my hand as I pass. If and when that happens he will post a final blog posting here to let you all know. In the meantime, I will continue to make waves.

Decision Made On Prostate Cancer Treatment

 

Me at my previous doctor's (urologist) office in Lewes in January of 2013 when I first was informed of my prostate cancer. I now have a different doctor, this one was terrible. Zero bedside manner. "Get 'em in and out was his mantra.  When he informed me I had prostate cancer he gave me five options for treatment. The first option was "Do nothing because at your age you'll probably die of something else." I was 71 years old at that time. I didn't think I was that old but I am THAT old now. I elect for the remainder of my life to live DEPENDS free and still able to enjoy sex.

After much thought and weighing all the alternatives, I've made my decision on my prostate cancer treatment.

I am not going to get treatment.

I will follow through with the PET-SCAN that is scheduled for me this June. I will also have blood taken again ("labs") to see if my PSA score has risen. But whatever the results, I have decided at my age it is not worth the risks of the sides effects of treatment should my prostate cancer return.

Some of the side effects:

Incontinence (fro removal of my prostate

Hormone therapy side effects (hot flashes, lower sex drive)

Radiation (destroying my organs like happened to my brother who died "cancer free" but all his organs failed from treatment therapy.

I will continue living my life as I have been since 2013 when I first discovered I had prostate cancer and had seed implants to kill the cancer in my prostate.

I'm eighty-four years old now. What years I have left I want them to be like I've been living the past thirteen years. I don't want do degrade the years I have left.

I understand others would make a different choice and I don't disagree with them. I don't tell them what choice to make and please, don't anyone tell me what choice to make. This is a very personal decision. I live my own life.

If my prostate cancer returns and I receive a terminal illness date, then I'll make plans to take myself out (assisted suicide which is now legal in Delaware).

I've had a fantastic life. I've lived my life on my on terms. I don't intend to end my life dependent on others to keep me "hanging on" just because out culture has been told to stay alive at all costs, even is you're bed ridden your remaining days having zero quality of life. I've seen too many people die that way, including my Bill. He wanted to kill himself because he was in such discomfort and no hope of getting better. His last three days of life at the hospice center will haunt me all the remaining days of my life. 

I DO NOT WANT TO LEAVE THIS LIFE THAT WAY.

I WILL NOT LEAVE MY LIFE THIS WAY IF I CAN HELP IT.

Now, this is all I'm going to say about this subject until I get my PET-SCAN this June.

I am very relieved that I have made my decision.

I am comfortable with my decision.

Now to resume living the best days of my life.

We all have to go sometime. The only difference with me is that I have an idea of how and when I am leaving this earthly existence. One thing I can say, it's been quite a ride!