letting it all wash over me like a fine mist

 
   .-'"  .     "'-.
 .'  / . ' . \ '.
/_.-..-..-..-..-._\ .---------------------------------.
          #  _,,_   (I hear it might rain people today )
          #/`    `\ /'---------------------------------'
         / / 6 6\ \
        \/\ Y /\/ /\-/\
         #/ `'U` \ /a a \ _
       , ( \ | \ =\ Y =/-~~~~~~-,_____/ )
       |\|\_/# \_/ '^--' ______/
       \/'. \ /'\ \ /
        \ /=\ / || |---'\ \
   jgs /____)/____) (_(__| ((__|

I don't want to and cant express my self in words. even in writing. I feel incapacitated to, most times. Physical strenghh and mental strength considered, i cant face the reality of writing out my thoughts and evaluating the life im living. I get exhausted so fast. I stop writing so fast. I wonder why that is. It's never been difficult for me to think. But recording those thoughts is a different story. I don't even feel like typing it out even though typing comes easier than walking these days. It's nearly automatic. Yet the mere act of sitting up at the desk on the laptpop and having to hold my body upright that tires me out so quickly. Or, the gradually weakening mental fortitude being hit with a battering ram over and over (my life & my circumstances) I am very very much at a loss. I feel stagnant.I feel inactive. I feel full, gluttonous. Time is being wasted like water down the drain and all I can do is helplessly watch it speed past me. I cant do anyhting. I feel paralyzed.I feel cemented into place. I just sit here and watch it get worse and worse. I wash a few dishes and clean my desk from time to time to make myself feel like im not totally useless. Which is not a nice sentiment and should not be applied to anyone else that cant do those things of course but this is me im talking about. i feel so embarrassed to even be alive at this point. Im frightened. I'm paralyzed. I can't not feel pain in my wrists or in my muscles. I can't figure out if I'm sick or this is just the way things will always be, or both.