On Facebook earlier I saw a post from the Mood Disorders Society of Canada asking, “From your experience, how easy/hard is it to access Mental Health services in Canada?”

I started to write a comment in reply and then realised – as often happens with me – that I had a lot to say.

My own experience is that obtaining adequate Mental Health services here is nearly impossible – if not flat out impossible for some – and the struggles necessary to get it just cause MORE harm, ESPECIALLY when the attempt to access that help still falls through in the end.

I live in Newfoundland, Canada. I’m a single mom with very little practical supports around me. My son has autism, and my daughter is a real big handful! My home life is VERY stressful, as are my dealings with my young children’s school. I have no social or work life outside my home. I am also involved in an ongoing long term family court struggle with my ex to see that my children’s needs are met.

I have no post-secondary education to further my job chances and no means of returning to school – even if my anxiety problems allowed me to try. I know that I’m limited in that I can’t balance my constant home stress with the stress of a barely-make-the-ends-meet type of job, so now I’m on Income Support (aka social assistance, aka welfare), which leads to further financial strain added to my stress level, not to mention the difficulties of court battling with the children’s absentee father.

I didn’t used to respond this way to stress. Once upon a time, I thrived on it. A deadline was a push. I might meet it just under the wire or just past it, but I did WELL under such circumstances.

While seeking help for my son’s needs I “fluked” into short term help for myself. I started taking an anti-anxiety med and had short biweekly counselling sessions in my home with a psychologist who told me I have PTSD. I started feeling a little bit like I was getting to know my old self again, the self I liked. It didn’t feel like enough but it felt like a start. I began to feel like I could see a little light at the end of the tunnel, that I could get some balance back, start LIVING my life again instead of just surviving it.

But then my son was aged out of the associated program, so I lost even that help. I got moved to a waitlist for the last two years. I finally reached the top of the list several months back but only for a group therapy approach set at an inflexible time. So I was STILL barred from access bc I had no childcare available for that time. I tried every means I could find but the best I could get was financing for a few hours of respite for the autistic child but NOT the other child. Even considering that, I could find no respite worker or even a respite agency that would take a job with so few hours per week.

If I ask/beg any louder for help I run the risk of having CYFS decide that if I need help THAT badly, then maybe I can’t handle my kids. That’s the one risk I could never take.

My children are the thing that keeps me from quitting, from giving up and just saying fuck it all, from letting myself just slide away. My children are sometimes my frustration, mostly my joy, but always my drive and my hope.

My lawyer thinks I’m “hysterical” bc I have panic attacks during our meetings. (The prescription my doc gave me for panics doesn’t work for me.)

The kids’ school used to attempt to placate/soothe me by hiding my son’s “difficult days” from me, and bc I have an emotional reaction (I tend to cry) to his difficulties, I had to fight hard to get them to see past that and realise that one of the few things that I DO absolutely know is how to best deal with his needs and how they need to approach his needs for his best success. Now they do get that but they still get defensive when I have questions/concerns about his progress.

People who don’t know me think I’m just another “lazy welfare rat” bc I don’t work or go to school.

Bc I don’t get to date, people suspect me of being hung up on my jerk of an ex.

I self-soothe with junk food, so my physical heath is suffering too and even my six year old daughter tells me I need to lose weight. (lol)

I have sought help, I’ve jumped through every damn hoop put in front of me and STILL no help.

It’s hard enough for some people to see past the struggle to the valid person underneath. It’s harder still for that person, such as myself, to push past their own problems and stand up and say, “Help me get there. Help me get HEALTHY.”

But for many of us who do stand up and reach out, it feels like we just get slapped by the various practicality barriers and the overwhelming waitlists.

So someone tell me, please, what am I supposed to do?