This is a post I've spent some time thinking about.
I remember when I was little, I wanted nothing more than to be a mother. How I was raised probably paid a huge part in my feelings about motherhood. As a teenager I decided that maybe motherhood was not for me.
I realized I didn't like children. I watched my little sister soak up little children and love every second of it. But I didn't feel that way. Every time I was around them, I found them....annoying. They gave me a headache. They didn't listen and I didn't know how to handle it when they didn't listen.
Ironically, I've always known I would be a teacher. I had my doubts about that career choice when I graduated high school. I was debating between Engineering, Communications and Elementary Education. I started BYU as a declared Communications major. But I realized quickly I really wanted to teach. So I joined the ranks of millions of other girls...there for either their MRS. degree or a token degree if their first plans flopped. There were people who really wanted to be teachers, but not a ton.
My view about children really changed when I moved to Tucson, out-of-the-blue, my senior year. I started working in a Pre-K Montessori class. And much to my surprise I loved it. I loved children and I found I was good at teaching them. I was good at discipline and the more I taught the better I was.
And then I had hope, that I would make a good mother.
And a few years later, I became a mother to a wonderful little boy. Who was a lot harder than I realized a little child could be. And I loved it. Even when people tell me what a bad job I do, or even when they imply it, I love mothering.
But mothering is a lot of work. It is tons more work than teaching. It is relentless. It is exhausting. And I take my own children's failings much more personally and to heart.
But beyond that, I want to let my children know that despite everything they do and say that I love them, unconditionally. That despite my teasing, I think they are all perfect. And I would do anything for them to help them develop into the wonderful adults I see inside their little bodies and minds.
But I have sacrificed a lot of who I am. I have sacrificed most of my personal time. I have sacrificed new clothes and nice shoes. I have sacrificed my pride. Where I used to rock climb, I now drive my son to scouts. Where I used to dance, I now clean after my children. Where I used to ski, I now sew blankets and make hair bows for my kids.
And do I miss those things?
Yes.
And no. I don't mind the sacrifice, but I miss my more active lifestyle. But I wouldn't change a thing about my life.
Because Heavenly Father gave me four precious souls to mother. And that is why we are all here. Is to be parents and teach the souls he entrusts us with. And when I get to heaven, I want to say that yes, I honestly tried my best. I wasn't perfect, by any stretch, and we may never have had extra money or the best clothes. But we worked hard and we parented with Heavenly Fathers guidence and we did every thing He asked of us.
I do not want to get back and say I failed because I was stuck on my computer, or I was too busy taking care of Me Time or that I felt I had done enough. I will mother them forever if that is what they need.
And while I despair at times and feel like I am failing. I know that Elijah is going to be an amazing man someday. I know that Ally is going to be beautiful inside and out as an adult. I know Lauren will someday not only talk to me in a complete, intelligible sentence, but also that she will be one of the funnest people to have around. And I also know that Eden will be wonderful too.
And I know this because of furvent prayer and fasting. And because we sought His help when we didn't know what to do.
After all, what could be more important than my kids.
An Update
6 months ago
