Wednesday, July 13, 2016
Doctoring
The past couple of months have been a complete blur. I graduated medical school, got married, moved to a new city - albeit, without my husband of a month - and started doctoring, that is, intern year of residency. In this whirlwind of events, I haven't had much time to reflect on the gravity of things; I suppose life's just been a race lately with me barely holding on at the back and yet having an amazing ride even if some moments, it feels like I'll be dead last.
During orientation to residency, they lectured us on many things that I found completely useless - like how to order a particular test on Epic (our electronic medical record software) a week before I would ever put an order in - and I think I forgot 99.9% of what was said during those 7 days however, the one thing that really stuck was someone telling us to find some sort of outlet for our feelings. For the past 4 years or so, a lot of that outlet for me has been my now husband, who, as a med student when we first met, and now a doctor, has always been able to relate to the joys and difficulties of going through this path. That's become much more difficult now that we live in different cities, even though we talk to each other almost every night, but sometimes it's exactly the opposite of what you need after a long day at the hospital. Someone to sit with, to be quiet next to, to watch a silly show with. Talking about what happens during intern year is difficult; and mine has just barely started. I decided though, that in the absence of that someone sitting with me on the couch every night, or in addition to, I will try to use writing as an outlet once again like I used to when I regularly wrote here.
It's only been 3 weeks since my first day as a "real" doctor. It wasn't anything like this, although the one thing that's certainly true, is that I felt like I knew absolutely nothing at all. I still know very little in the big scheme of things, but oh boy, has it already been a steep learning curve! I've been trying to figure out what's been the hardest part, but it's hard to even pinpoint one thing. There are days when I feel so overwhelmed by the million little tasks, which feel impossible to all accomplish in the span of even 24 hours, let alone the 12-13 I am supposed to be at the hospital for. There is so much administrative work involved that I must be spending at least 75% of the day sitting in front of the computer. Either writing notes for each patient on the events of the day, entering orders, for either tests of medications, making sure that when patients are discharged, they can get all the medications they need, dealing with insurance companies, pharmacies, social issues, it's all a maze! But perhaps what's most unsettling about all this administration is that it really cuts down on the actual time I get to spend with the patients themselves. And that part is truly rewarding in most cases! I have been working on the inpatient oncology service - you might be able to guess that most people who end up there are very sick and many of them dying. Just in the past 3 weeks, I've held the hand of a young woman in excruciating pain while her pain medication arrived, I've been to a wedding on our floor of a 24-year old girl with terminal cancer (perhaps the most gut wrenching thing I've even seen), I've seen a man undergo a very cool clinical trial treatment for the first time at our institution, I've had to say to a family "I'm sorry but your cancer has grown", I've had a patient get very sick while under my care and eventually die in the intensive care unit, I've missed an important test result that changed the management of a patient (thank god for the senior residents!) and lost sleep over it. And these are only a few examples of things that have been happening over only the past 3 weeks.
All I know is, this is a really hard job. But it's a really awesome job, and I wouldn't rather be doing anything else in the world! More details to hopefully come soon...
Monday, April 7, 2014
Clerkship year random thoughts
Medical school is sometimes a little bit like having bipolar disease. Basically for 12 weeks I was constantly going-going-going, always in the hospital, in the doctor's office, studying in the library, studying at home, studying during lunch break, sleeping wherever I could, eating wherever and whenever I could, getting home just in time to eat, shower and go to bed. It was intense, almost manic; with no time to ever really think about it.
Then suddenly I am on an easier rotation, and I get home at 3 most days, and have hours and hours before I have to go to bed - sometimes I don't even know what to do with myself - I wonder what people who have 9-5 jobs actually do in all that free time they have???
Between Surgery and Radiology (which I am currently on - can be described as sitting in a dark or dimly lit room for hours and staring at internal organs I most of the time can't identify for sure - god only knows why anyone would want to become a Radiologist???) there was a week of school called "Interclerkship Intensive". It was anything but intensive. For most people, especially coming off Surgery, it seemed like vacation - during lectures, I caught up on news and facebook and celebrity gossip (j/k). We also all got iPad minis, which are now sort of replacing paper forms in a way - from now on, all our evaluations, forms and such are going to be on those; we can also access the electronic medical records of our patients on it when we are in the hospital (only the fancy private hospital, Tisch, not Bellevue, of course). The most striking thing about getting them was that about 75% of my class already had iPad minis. An entirely 1st world problem. Even I, who didn't have one, already had a regular iPad, an iPhone, a Kindle, all on top of my MacBook of course. Seems a little insane, doesn't it???!!! Those are the times when I realize just how lucky I am, we all are (everything is relative, I mean one of my classmates' father is on the Forbes 150 wealthiest people in America list) but regardless of all, we are all very lucky.
Then there was a session dedicated to the Meyer Briggs Personality Test , which we all took weeks before and were now given our results in a nicely bound book. It's basically a test that puts people into different personality subgroups based on 4 characteristics: extraverted/introverted, sensing/intuitive, thinking/feeling, and judging/perceiving. I don't necessarily think that all people can be boxed into these categories, and whether your "type" really means very much is another question; however, it was a very interesting session. Most people thought that their types were pretty spot on, and when you think about it, it does explain certain things about people and also about how different people work together or don't work well together.
I turned out to be an ISFJ - introverted, sensing, feeling and judging (btw, judging means systematic, planful, scheduled, methodical, not that they judge people). All of these I thought were generally correct. They also showed us what medical specialties might best fit our personalities, which I think is total bullshit, so I didn't pay much attention to that.
What I also find interesting is that my boyfriend is basically the opposite type in all categories but being introverted. He is often much more logical, reasonable, critical, casual, spontaneous and open-ended than me (btw, I got all those adjectives I just used from the list they gave us with our reports). Sometimes people say that opposites attract, and that might be entirely true. It's also sometimes more difficult to find common ground with people whose personalities are so different from ours. The striking difference between the 2 of us really lies in my methodical planning and his casual spontaneity. Here is how we deal with the world: I am on the left, planning things ahead of time, stressing about deadlines weeks in advance and only feeling better once I got myself on a regular schedule and do a even really think about the deadline until much later and probably spends overall less time stressing about it, but probably much more at the very end.
Then suddenly I am on an easier rotation, and I get home at 3 most days, and have hours and hours before I have to go to bed - sometimes I don't even know what to do with myself - I wonder what people who have 9-5 jobs actually do in all that free time they have???
Between Surgery and Radiology (which I am currently on - can be described as sitting in a dark or dimly lit room for hours and staring at internal organs I most of the time can't identify for sure - god only knows why anyone would want to become a Radiologist???) there was a week of school called "Interclerkship Intensive". It was anything but intensive. For most people, especially coming off Surgery, it seemed like vacation - during lectures, I caught up on news and facebook and celebrity gossip (j/k). We also all got iPad minis, which are now sort of replacing paper forms in a way - from now on, all our evaluations, forms and such are going to be on those; we can also access the electronic medical records of our patients on it when we are in the hospital (only the fancy private hospital, Tisch, not Bellevue, of course). The most striking thing about getting them was that about 75% of my class already had iPad minis. An entirely 1st world problem. Even I, who didn't have one, already had a regular iPad, an iPhone, a Kindle, all on top of my MacBook of course. Seems a little insane, doesn't it???!!! Those are the times when I realize just how lucky I am, we all are (everything is relative, I mean one of my classmates' father is on the Forbes 150 wealthiest people in America list) but regardless of all, we are all very lucky.
Then there was a session dedicated to the Meyer Briggs Personality Test , which we all took weeks before and were now given our results in a nicely bound book. It's basically a test that puts people into different personality subgroups based on 4 characteristics: extraverted/introverted, sensing/intuitive, thinking/feeling, and judging/perceiving. I don't necessarily think that all people can be boxed into these categories, and whether your "type" really means very much is another question; however, it was a very interesting session. Most people thought that their types were pretty spot on, and when you think about it, it does explain certain things about people and also about how different people work together or don't work well together.
I turned out to be an ISFJ - introverted, sensing, feeling and judging (btw, judging means systematic, planful, scheduled, methodical, not that they judge people). All of these I thought were generally correct. They also showed us what medical specialties might best fit our personalities, which I think is total bullshit, so I didn't pay much attention to that.
What I also find interesting is that my boyfriend is basically the opposite type in all categories but being introverted. He is often much more logical, reasonable, critical, casual, spontaneous and open-ended than me (btw, I got all those adjectives I just used from the list they gave us with our reports). Sometimes people say that opposites attract, and that might be entirely true. It's also sometimes more difficult to find common ground with people whose personalities are so different from ours. The striking difference between the 2 of us really lies in my methodical planning and his casual spontaneity. Here is how we deal with the world: I am on the left, planning things ahead of time, stressing about deadlines weeks in advance and only feeling better once I got myself on a regular schedule and do a even really think about the deadline until much later and probably spends overall less time stressing about it, but probably much more at the very end.
The only thing I think this means is that it's good to be aware of these things. People from opposite personality types can sometimes seem insane to others. As long as we can accept each other's differences and work with what we are each best at, we will all get along just fine and find that delicate balance between planning and spontaneity.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
The disappearing hat
It's been so freaking cold for the last couple of months, that even for my 2 minute commute to Bellevue, I have been putting on a hat every morning. Then we go round on the floors. Sometimes, believe it or not, in our coats (that is mostly because we are always in a hurry and sometimes we have to go to a different building after rounds, and so just in case, since it's -25C outside, we all carry our coats). So last week, one evening as I was leaving the hospital, my hat was nowhere to be found. I tried to run through my day in my head to figure out where I might have misplaced it. Maybe at the cafe downstairs in the lobby where I got my coffee in the morning? Or the surgery call-room? I look everywhere but it was nowhere to be found. I must have dropped it somewhere in the hallway. It's a 20+ floor hospital with countless units, and my team has patients on 5 different floors some days. My hat could be anywhere!
So I resigned myself to the fact that it was permanently lost. I dug an old hat out from my closet and wore that for a week. Paul would say it looked silly. "Where is your nice hat?" he would ask. "Somewhere in Bellevue maybe" would be my reply.
And then today, during afternoon rounds, I am standing around the surgical ICU, waiting for a patient to be transported, and I look down and there is my hat just sitting quietly on an otherwise empty and unoccupied desk. It was MY HAT!!! Undoubtedly! So I grabbed it without much hesitation, inspected it for familiar marks, like the one string that was a little loose on one side, and quickly stuffed it into my white coat pocket, where it hung out for the next few hours until I was ready to leave for the night. Of course today the weather warmed up and I don't need a hat anymore :)
So I resigned myself to the fact that it was permanently lost. I dug an old hat out from my closet and wore that for a week. Paul would say it looked silly. "Where is your nice hat?" he would ask. "Somewhere in Bellevue maybe" would be my reply.
And then today, during afternoon rounds, I am standing around the surgical ICU, waiting for a patient to be transported, and I look down and there is my hat just sitting quietly on an otherwise empty and unoccupied desk. It was MY HAT!!! Undoubtedly! So I grabbed it without much hesitation, inspected it for familiar marks, like the one string that was a little loose on one side, and quickly stuffed it into my white coat pocket, where it hung out for the next few hours until I was ready to leave for the night. Of course today the weather warmed up and I don't need a hat anymore :)
Thursday, January 9, 2014
At either end of life
I am now into the second week of clinical rotations, namely my Obstetrics and Gynecology rotation. I spent last week on the labor and delivery floor, and it was pretty crazy! I saw babies being born, the very beginning of life, I saw the happiest families, the craziest Dads, the coolest Moms, the tragedy of losing a child. Every day in the hospital, you see little miracles and big tragedies. That is what life is. That is where the beginning of all of it is.
On Sunday morning, my dear grandmother Babi left this world forever. She hasn't been herself for many years, and what had finally happened was the best for her, to end her suffering in this world. She had a long life, and a difficult one. She lived in a time and a place where women were not allowed many opportunities in life, and I think that had made her bitter in her old age. But she was also a beautiful and loving person, who raised her three children to be the best people they can be. I have many many fond memories with her. There is one in particular I like to remember. Who knows if it ever even happened...
I was a child of around 10 maybe, and it was Christmas eve and we were celebrating at our house. She always came to our house for Christmas. In Hungary we say that babu Jesus comes that night to decorate Christmas trees and brings the presents (I don't know if there are other countries where Jesus takes over for Santa, but at least in Hungary that's the case, silly, I know, but that's just how it is). In order for me to not see that my parents were actually the ones decorating the tree and putting gifts underneath, Babi took me for a walk around the neighborhood while the preparations were underway. I have this very vivid memory of walking with her hand in hand in the cold and snow, her telling me about baby Jesus. Memories is all we have left.
I do not believe in any sort of afterlife. But sometimes I think about her being in some better place than this world was for her over the past few years. I have an old photograph from 1942 from her and my Dedi's wedding. She is wearing a gorgeous white dress and is stunning in it and he is so handsome in his military uniform. I like to imagine them together again, wearing those beautiful clothes, arm in arm, happy again.
On Sunday morning, my dear grandmother Babi left this world forever. She hasn't been herself for many years, and what had finally happened was the best for her, to end her suffering in this world. She had a long life, and a difficult one. She lived in a time and a place where women were not allowed many opportunities in life, and I think that had made her bitter in her old age. But she was also a beautiful and loving person, who raised her three children to be the best people they can be. I have many many fond memories with her. There is one in particular I like to remember. Who knows if it ever even happened...
I was a child of around 10 maybe, and it was Christmas eve and we were celebrating at our house. She always came to our house for Christmas. In Hungary we say that babu Jesus comes that night to decorate Christmas trees and brings the presents (I don't know if there are other countries where Jesus takes over for Santa, but at least in Hungary that's the case, silly, I know, but that's just how it is). In order for me to not see that my parents were actually the ones decorating the tree and putting gifts underneath, Babi took me for a walk around the neighborhood while the preparations were underway. I have this very vivid memory of walking with her hand in hand in the cold and snow, her telling me about baby Jesus. Memories is all we have left.
I do not believe in any sort of afterlife. But sometimes I think about her being in some better place than this world was for her over the past few years. I have an old photograph from 1942 from her and my Dedi's wedding. She is wearing a gorgeous white dress and is stunning in it and he is so handsome in his military uniform. I like to imagine them together again, wearing those beautiful clothes, arm in arm, happy again.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Humans of NY today
I can officially claim to be a "real" New Yorker now that I know someone who's been captured on Humans of New York!!
Check out the HoNY Facebook page - blue jacket and glasses, with baby head poking out from under the coat! One of Paul's classmates, a future doctor :)
Next step: try to be on HoNY myself!
Check out the HoNY Facebook page - blue jacket and glasses, with baby head poking out from under the coat! One of Paul's classmates, a future doctor :)
Next step: try to be on HoNY myself!
Sunday, December 1, 2013
NYC Marathon 2013, with some delay
It's already Sunday of the 4-day weekend (really 5 days for me, as I skipped all classes on Wednesday). Conclusion of the past 4 days: I am really really bad at doing nothing. Judging by how many episodes of Homeland season 3 I have watched, I had about 6 hours of free time over these 4 days.
4 weeks to the day after the NYC marathon, I am trying to keep up the running. I read an article in the NY Times before Thanksgiving about how daily exercise can help prevent becoming a couch-potato over the holidays. Duh! I don't think one needs to do a scientific study on this. In any case, according to a study, even after a week of overeating and spending too much time lounging, fat cells begin to change, accumulate bad molecules, insulin levels rise; overall, bad things happen quickly in our bodies. I've been thinking about this when I forced myself twice over the past 4 days to run on the treadmill, an activity I almost never enjoy. Even while watching my favorite bad TV show...
But today, finally, the temperature went back over 40F (+4-5C) and the sun is out, so I went out by the river for an easy run, 5 miles or so. Felt good. No pressure these days in terms of the distance, the pace, the regularity of these runs. It's nice to just go, and decide on the way how much and how fast.
I never got a chance to write about this year's marathon. It was great! Really really great! And I am not saying, "well, it was good for the first couple of hours and then really really painful for the last couple of hours, but overall, enjoyable". It was really really fun almost the whole way! This year, I started the race with Daniel and David, and ran almost the whole thing with Daniel. It's nice to have a buddy around, even if too tired to chat, just to see a familiar face. Just like seeing the familiar faces in the crowd. As always I saw a lot of friends on the course, which is always the highlight. Check out what one of my biggest fans was wearing on his head so I could see him from blocks away! :)
In terms of the actual running, I started at an ~9 min/mile pace and finished at about the same pace. Which is a novelty in my marathon career, so to speak. Sure, there was some pain and during the last few miles, I was thinking more and more about the finish line and about finally stopping, but overall, no "wall", no falling apart, no walking, just looking straight ahead towards the finish. 3:58:28. New PR. I was very happy.
On our way to the start with Daniel and David:
Start village pictures :
My orange finisher cape matched Paul's hat well (this is at the Plaza Hotel after-party with some friends from out-of town
who also ran):
4 weeks to the day after the NYC marathon, I am trying to keep up the running. I read an article in the NY Times before Thanksgiving about how daily exercise can help prevent becoming a couch-potato over the holidays. Duh! I don't think one needs to do a scientific study on this. In any case, according to a study, even after a week of overeating and spending too much time lounging, fat cells begin to change, accumulate bad molecules, insulin levels rise; overall, bad things happen quickly in our bodies. I've been thinking about this when I forced myself twice over the past 4 days to run on the treadmill, an activity I almost never enjoy. Even while watching my favorite bad TV show...
But today, finally, the temperature went back over 40F (+4-5C) and the sun is out, so I went out by the river for an easy run, 5 miles or so. Felt good. No pressure these days in terms of the distance, the pace, the regularity of these runs. It's nice to just go, and decide on the way how much and how fast.
I never got a chance to write about this year's marathon. It was great! Really really great! And I am not saying, "well, it was good for the first couple of hours and then really really painful for the last couple of hours, but overall, enjoyable". It was really really fun almost the whole way! This year, I started the race with Daniel and David, and ran almost the whole thing with Daniel. It's nice to have a buddy around, even if too tired to chat, just to see a familiar face. Just like seeing the familiar faces in the crowd. As always I saw a lot of friends on the course, which is always the highlight. Check out what one of my biggest fans was wearing on his head so I could see him from blocks away! :)
In terms of the actual running, I started at an ~9 min/mile pace and finished at about the same pace. Which is a novelty in my marathon career, so to speak. Sure, there was some pain and during the last few miles, I was thinking more and more about the finish line and about finally stopping, but overall, no "wall", no falling apart, no walking, just looking straight ahead towards the finish. 3:58:28. New PR. I was very happy.
On our way to the start with Daniel and David:
Start village pictures :
List of all the people I was going to look for on the course (note: you might notice Paul isn't on the list, as he could not make up his mind about where to stand - but fortunately, he had a pretty distinctive look that day)
At 10K, all 3 of us still in the shot, then near 18M, I am trying to grab Janice's goodie bag (cut-up bananas and oranges):
This whole biting the medal thing is weird, but I felt compelled to do it:
This whole biting the medal thing is weird, but I felt compelled to do it:
My orange finisher cape matched Paul's hat well (this is at the Plaza Hotel after-party with some friends from out-of town
who also ran):
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Home away from home
I just came across a new blog I liked. It's by someone not very dissimilar to myself. It's interesting how we can connect to someone we have never met and don't know anything more about than the thoughts they put "on the (electronic) paper". In any case, reading this blog made me nostalgic about my own blog. And made me feel a little guilty about how bad I have been about keeping up with it. So here we are.
Thanksgiving is coming up in two days. A lot of people came to class today with their suitcases, heading to the airport straight from school to head home. I suspect I will see even more people tomorrow with their suitcases, assuming anyone will go to class even. After class I met up with a friend who is a med student at Einstein and just had a baby, so she is taking the year off. I met the 5-months old cutie-pie, caught up with her Mom, then walked around the city in the rain.
I don't get homesick often; almost never to be very honest. New York feels like home, it has for many years and I don't long to be anywhere else. Of course, there are a lot of people I miss very much who live all over the world, literally. But that's the reality of life these days, especially for us emigrants. Around the holidays though, I do get homesick. This year, it seems to have just set in today. Like I said, it's not because I don't feel at home here and it's certainly not because people don't make feel at home. It's just a fact.
I usually travel to Kansas for Thanksgiving to see the dear family I once lived with when I was in high school, now more than 13!! years ago. Going there always feels closest to going Home, with a capital "H". But this year I have already used up my travel budget to go to El Salvador, Montreal, and then going home to Budapest for Christmas in a month! Plus there is a big vacation in the planning for next summer (more about that later, I hope). So that, with the ridiculously pricey plane tickets this year, I decided to stay put in NYC this week. Ultimately, I am looking forward to a quiet weekend without travel stress, much studying and all that. That was, until I realized that I had something planned already for every single day of the week. Not that I am complaining! Oh no no no! It's great! I love it! It's home!
Tomorrow night, I am going to Becky's parents' house in Brooklyn to make latkes for the first night of Hanukkah, then off to New Jersey to Kelsey's parents' house for turkey day, then plans with friends who are visiting from abroad or from up north, catching up with friends I never have time to see. Going through my to-do-list for the weekend, I realized, just now, that being far away from Home home just means that I have multiple homes: one here on 26th Street in Manhattan, another one in Brooklyn, in New Jersey, in Kansas, even in Ohio and in Budapest. It's not that bad, after all :)
Thanksgiving is coming up in two days. A lot of people came to class today with their suitcases, heading to the airport straight from school to head home. I suspect I will see even more people tomorrow with their suitcases, assuming anyone will go to class even. After class I met up with a friend who is a med student at Einstein and just had a baby, so she is taking the year off. I met the 5-months old cutie-pie, caught up with her Mom, then walked around the city in the rain.
I don't get homesick often; almost never to be very honest. New York feels like home, it has for many years and I don't long to be anywhere else. Of course, there are a lot of people I miss very much who live all over the world, literally. But that's the reality of life these days, especially for us emigrants. Around the holidays though, I do get homesick. This year, it seems to have just set in today. Like I said, it's not because I don't feel at home here and it's certainly not because people don't make feel at home. It's just a fact.
I usually travel to Kansas for Thanksgiving to see the dear family I once lived with when I was in high school, now more than 13!! years ago. Going there always feels closest to going Home, with a capital "H". But this year I have already used up my travel budget to go to El Salvador, Montreal, and then going home to Budapest for Christmas in a month! Plus there is a big vacation in the planning for next summer (more about that later, I hope). So that, with the ridiculously pricey plane tickets this year, I decided to stay put in NYC this week. Ultimately, I am looking forward to a quiet weekend without travel stress, much studying and all that. That was, until I realized that I had something planned already for every single day of the week. Not that I am complaining! Oh no no no! It's great! I love it! It's home!
Tomorrow night, I am going to Becky's parents' house in Brooklyn to make latkes for the first night of Hanukkah, then off to New Jersey to Kelsey's parents' house for turkey day, then plans with friends who are visiting from abroad or from up north, catching up with friends I never have time to see. Going through my to-do-list for the weekend, I realized, just now, that being far away from Home home just means that I have multiple homes: one here on 26th Street in Manhattan, another one in Brooklyn, in New Jersey, in Kansas, even in Ohio and in Budapest. It's not that bad, after all :)
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
