serafaery

This was such a lovely, relaxing experience to watch, tonight. I watched the beginning of it a couple nights ago but fell asleep :)

Jonna has been making jewelry for as long as I have been sparkling. Her success has been phenomenal and I am so happy for her. She did not do it alone and with no support or guidance like I did with my little business and art, but that doesn't detract from what she has accomplished or how I resonate with her passion. (*I did have support of dear kind, loving, generous, caring, thoughtful friends, without whom none of my work would be possible. I just mean I did it without financial, family, or partner support. In my life, friendship has been everything.) To me she is so inspiring. I just love her spirit. She has such an incredible little life, and the most warm and loving close cozy supportive family and community, but the best part is how endlessly grateful for it she is, and how hard she works to maintain it, and how much love she pours into her work.



There are times she posts things that really clash with my sensibilities, I think her youth has something to do with that, and her maybe small-town upbringing (even in Scandinavia there is some naiveté that comes with being raised in such a small community, I guess).

But even so, she is one of those beings that just makes me feel better about mortality, because there will always be some little beautiful humans in the world expressing the same sort of love I express, loving the same little things I love, wishing the same things I wish. We're all unique but the spirit behind our love and creativity and connections are universal, like different colored threads woven together in a beautiful pattern, that continues long after our little piece of thread runs out. Even if we have no offspring, we have family in life itself - the birds, the clouds, the trees, all of it.

Yesterday after writing, I slept for way too long, but, it felt really good. Avalanche stayed with me, and Josh even came and snuggled with us for a little bit.

Avi let me trim all ten of her front claws in one sitting. Unheard of.

When I got up, I still wasn't feeling great, but kept going with chores - laundry (cold loads I've been putting off since it takes sooooo long to dry and sometimes needs double washes), cooking - made Josh a gazillion burritos for the week. Cleaned the kitchen, and once Josh left for climbing with his friends at the gym, I took everything up off the floor and vacuumed the whole house. It feels almost like moving, how much stuff I have to shuffle around, but I felt soooooo much better when I was done. Swept, did the bathrooms, cleaned the litter pans and a bunch of other pet care, tidied my room/office a bit even (although this mostly involved dumping everything into my closet but I'll keep going, it has to go in stages like this), took out the trash, etc. etc. I finally stopped and cracked open a non-alcoholic beer and listened to some of a book until Josh got home.

It was funny, at the end of each chore part of my brain was like, that's enough, and I had to confront it and ask, why not keep going? Let's do one more thing. It was really nice to finally get housework done, to actually use the time off I set aside for this, for once. I got pretty much everything on my list done or at least started, and then some.

It felt slow and forced but not so molassesy as before. I still don't feel like myself but I will keep pushing, keep holding out hope for brightness and happiness and a lifted mood and spirit.

Sooooooo many nightmares. My mom has been showing up every night. I keep avoiding my grief meditations, I am afraid of them, I will try to do one in earnest, today. It is nice out for a moment, I have henna in my hair, I will do that bike ride I did yesterday x2 and hopefully stop at the park at the top and actually meditate this time.

...

Today and tomorrow are for getting the studio cleaned out so they can paint, dreading the work but gotta get done. I'd like to have everything out by tomorrow. We'll see how far I can get. I think I should pack myself a dinner so I can stay late if energy allows. I should bring my laptop and also use the time to work on taxes at a cafe if I need a break, today and tomorrow. I have Thurs/Fri set aside for taxes proper, it'd be nice to get the studio cleaned out by then.

...

Super nervous about finding a new cat-sitter for Avalanche. I've asked the neighbor girls to look after her for one night next week, but I don't feel comfortable leaving her care to kids for four days. I need to establish care at a local vet, too. If I do that maybe they might have resources. I should ask fb also, it just sucks that we're so far away from everyone out here, now. I do have one acquaintance in the area who might be game.

I bought a collar for her but now I can't find it, gr. I want to get her used to it so that I can try to get an air tag on her. If she ever escapes she has no ID at the moment, aside from her microchip - that worries me.

Maybe I can grab another collar on the way home today, I need to pick up more food for her.

...

Also need to start getting quotes for central air conditioning installation. 3 quotes at a minimum.

And I never got the gutters cleaned, still need to do that.

...

Avi just did the toe bean stretch at me, lol. Sooooooo cute.

...

Still struggling a little feeling a lot better today, hopefully it holds. I had one of the burritos I made last night after doing all the housework, it was so tasty, it felt really indulgent and nice. Flour tortilla, refried beans, purple cabbage, carrot, salsa, cheese. Nom. I don't usually eat that many carbs in a sitting. It was warm and comforting. Burritos are like a hug in the form of food.

Was also finally able to take all of my vitamins last night, and do my PT, hopeful I can use this as a bit of a reset and get back on track with those things.

...

It's cold and wet but there's a break in the rain, we've been getting rainbows, it's been nice. The sky was bright for a bit but it's darkening again. I should still be okay for my bike ride before the rain restarts later this afternoon. I can ride with hair dye on, good use of time, I'll rinse it out and shower when I get back, it'll feel nice. I don't need a helmet on this ride, it's quiet residential streets, we're really lucky to have the hill to ride on for exercise, and the little park at the top is helpful. Very grateful. We're getting used to the area and finding things about it that we like. There is no limit to how many chickens one can have in Tigard, so we say hi to a big flock on our way on this ride, there is a house with a goose and goats, also. :)

Woke up in floods of anxiety. More nightmares about my mom. omg so awful. (She was not well in this last dream. And I was upending my now-stable life to help her.)

In this dream, she was deteriorating more like the way my grandmother did. And I had sort of pushed that death out of my mind and it was unspeakably painful for me to witness in my early 20s and omg my heart is screaming over it, today.

(My grandfather's death was even worse. He died when I was 12.)

Scared about the future, Josh and I aging, and scared about the house, which has not felt scary since xmas. Money feels impossible to collect after starting on taxes yesterday. How will we ever keep paying to live here?

I found a rotten spot on the outside of the kitchen window frame, I think maybe that's where the water disappeared to that I panicked about a couple months ago when I was washing the window on the inside and rinsed it with the kitchen sink sprayer and all the water just... vanished.

If all I wrecked was a small section of the window frame, I am fine with that. Fixable.

But now with all the rain recently, the backyard is soup and the floor under the kitchen feels... less flat. Which worries me.

But honestly I'm sure it's the same amount not-exactly-flat it's always been and I am just worried because I am flooded with anxiety chemicals.

Also. We never really got winter. We've had maybe 3 nights when we hit freezing, and there was frost in the morning. My snowman is still on the porch, I am wearing snowman socks, I am trying so hard to maintain hope, but we never get snow after valentine's day. Except that one time in April recently. :( We do get ice in March though, holding out hope for that. I will tolerate ice and loss of power to refill our empty snow-pack on the mountain.

I know everyone else in the country got excessive winter. But it's also terrifying to just skip over it entirely.

I am late for showering and getting ready for a long day of sparkling. I love my job, I am looking forward to work. Since the intense migraine on Monday I've been mostly resting, which has made me feel guilty and despondent. It will feel good to get some movement in.

Teeth cleaning went well despite my neglectfulness lately.

I have not been able to shower or brush my teeth consistently, again.

I hope it gets better. I will keep trying. I was doing okay for a minute, but things have fallen apart again.

I think I need to take a break from The Schopenhauer Cure book. It is too depressing. I will switch to Strange Animals, I have been waiting for this book with baited breath for more than six months. The author is so delightful (Jarod K Anderson). He is everything I need when it comes to writing. It's just, so relaxing.

But also I still cry sometimes. In good ways. The this-is-too-much-love kind of tears.

In my self-care birb app (Finch), I legit got teary-eyed this morning when my birb hugged the Red Queen - who was threatening to steal Sarooroo's heart because she thinks she doesn't have a heart of her own. omg too much cuteness overload. (We are doing a Wonderland themed event this month. So cute.)

Avalanche helps. She's always happy no matter what. She softly mewed at me this morning to alert me to the spectacular sunrise. It lasted forever. It was so vivid. I can't really get photos of them here because of all the trees, but I can still enjoy them through the gaps in the branches.

One thing I do love about winter months. Getting up with the sun.

xkcd.com

6 more weeks of winter!

I could have told you that.

The question is, WHEN.

(We are experiencing 60 degree weather this week in Portland, and have not yet seen much in the way of winter at all.)

Not to jinx it but I suspect we'll get one of our classic March ice storms that bring down all the power lines, and then maybe one of those new-fangled climate-change freak April snow storms.

Josh is coming home today, I am hoping to get the floors swept, mopped, and vacuumed before I have to leave to pick him up. We'll see how I do. I also would love to do PT, bake banana bread, bonus would be to vacuum the couch and brush the cat trees, and to leave early enough to leisurely shop at the coop on the way to the airport. Oh and I need to get gas. And I need to get dressed. Three hours until departure, hmmmmm. :)

It's fine, whatever happens, happens. I've been too stressed out to put a bunch of pressure on myself about this stuff.

There is the whole situation of our government, that's a given stressor.

Also there is my breast, which is still having weird twinges of pain and I'm starting to think that the cosmetic mistake is also physical, and I'm starting to get really angry. How much would I have to pay to fix it, can it even be fixed, how would I ever allow another doctor to ever touch me ever ever again.

I say that, but I also have a third customer now doing chemo for breast cancer, and just reconnected with one this week who was gone for two years having radiation and surgery for her breasts. Sigh. She LOVES her rebuild. Happy for her. :/

Also, Jackie and Shadow (eagles) lost their first clutch of eggs. This isn't unusual but it's still sad, it was really early in the process and very unusual - they have never just abandoned eggs that were less than a week old to let ravens eat them. The group is all in an uproar about it. I could tell immediately that something wasn't right with the first laying, Jackie was not intent on incubating, and later experts confirmed that one egg was cracked. Bald eagles are very susceptible to toxins and it weakens their eggshells (it's why they were threatened for some time, too much DDT in the water and hence in the fish they were eating), and Jackie and Shadow live in a highly populated area, so it's worrisome. But I also could use a break from nest watch, and maybe they could also use a break from being parents. Last year was really hard and their first year raising two successful fledges. Most of the time the chicks don't make it, or at least most of them don't. I don't really want to go through that.

I think Jackie may suspect, like me, that we are going to have a very late and difficult winter. They can lay a second clutch if the first one fails, but I worry that would entail super harsh weather for super young chicks, this is how many of their chicks died in the past, just, exposure. :( We'll see what she decides to do. I really kinda hope there are no more eggs this year. I may not watch if there are. Eagles are neat but also kind of brutal. They eat *so* much fish. And water foul. And their babies perish. It's just a lot of the harshness of life right in your face.

Gotta take the good with the bad in this wild existence.

Will try to share some images and videos from the last week. I didn't do much other than work yesterday, was mostly recovering from a super fun, super long night at Shadowplay. Derek was on fire and it was a good time. His birthday bash is next week. Will try to think of something special for him.

Did a little crafty project this morning for Josh - he doesn't like cards and it's his birthday weekend and we're not at Summit Prairie like we're supposed to be so I want to do something special for him. So I made him a little garland for his bedroom door. His birthday falls right before Imbolc and the Chinese New Year, so there are some valentines vibes in the air, but we're still in the depths of winter.


you are loved.

Full moon tonight. It's so foggy still! I love it.

...photo sharing....


Neahkanie mt with Josh Sunday


Frosted trees and Loowit from Dog Mt summit trail


dramatic winter landscape in the gorge


happy place (Dog Mt Summit - I hope at least some of my ashes make it up here)


dirty mirror club selfie from Thursday

Dog on Tuesday (the tiniest little snowflakes fell)



Coffin Thursday, it was super busy but I slipped into the coffin room for a break and grabbed a lil snipit of what I generally do when I go there (minus the usual dramatic lights and a bunch of sexy people to flirt with). Charlie in particular looked soooo amazing Thursday, she came in a DRESS which is unheard of, she is a friend of Finley's and I adore the way she dances, she shreds. Manders also gave me lots of attention that night, as did Chanti and Mitch (he's a sweetie). Kiyoki looked amazing as always. Malkom and lots of other regulars were around for hugs and getting down. Lots of random cuties everywhere also. I hung out with Duncan for a bit, but I stayed long after he left. I was sooooo tired and also very happy.

ooof, hit such a wall after dropping off josh at the airport, silks, and rushing out an order for a customer.

allll i want is chips and cookies and crackers, whoops.

super tired.

it's dark and rainy and I am just saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.

it's okay. I might snuggle up with a hoarding video and call it a day. I am still pretty tired from the mountain yesterday. I was going to do research at the library but now that it's the day I set aside for that, it sounds like the very last thing I want to do. I might just do that here. Or maybe take my laptop with me to work/dr appt tomorrow and go somewhere after my appt. so not looking forward to that. I don't know how it's going to go anything but poorly. I hate looking at my breast right now or thinking about it or dealing with it in any way.

three of my customers are undergoing chemo at the moment. there is lots to be grateful for.

but i can't help thinking, when i feel like this. what is it all for.

i miss my mom so much, been a bit weepy today. i asked my fb group for my self-care app if someone could send me an arctic fox micropet (a pet for my pet, basically), it reminds me of mom because she had this marble or stone white arctic fox sculpture on her kitchen counter for the last 10-15 or so years of her life before she lost the house. it was a gift from her realtor, if i remember right, for one of her far-too-many refinancing transactions, and she would pet the fox all of the time, she had it mounted on the counter so it couldn't move or fall. it was curled up asleep and really quite darling.

I've been dreaming up magnificent wearable character costumes for the fairy festival but they are things i would probably never wear at this point. i wanted to dress up and create and bestow costume magic at events when i was younger but i sort of want to stay more hidden, these days, to have a more gentle experience and instead enjoy others' costumes. lately it's a thing for people to walk around under a giant flower sculpture that they carry. pretty cute. I want to make a giant winged dragon with powerskip legs (a kind of bouncy stilt - it's the same stilts Toby Froud used for his satyr costume back in the early 2000s). Ira could help me sculpt the head and claws and feet, or I could manage it myself I"m sure, with wire and batting and some creative shaping - i could make it with monster fur so that it's friendly to touch and sew on giant sequins for scales so that it sparkles. but i would need help getting in and out of it, and needing a handler feels like too big of an ask.

I miss Toby. And Brandie. I saw them both briefly in the fall. Too briefly.

I'll keep pondering my dragon. I had a name for her but it has slipped my mind at the moment. It was very simple. Oh. Twilit. She would have lights at night, of course of course. All of my costumes have lights.

Avalanche is in my spot on the bed, snoring. My heart.

Will try to send Josh a sexy photo later for his birthday maybe. I am glad he's going and I'm glad I'm staying but I am not glad to be apart, if that makes any sense. He'll be back soon, thankfully.

Been moving nonstop since 7am, it's almost noon and I need to get out the door and go hike a mountain.

Tomorrow is my day for sitting at screens and thinking and writing.

But just wanted to decompress for a sec.

Josh leaves for Grand Canyon tomorrow, a birthday trip I decided not to join him on (hence taking him to Thai last night, and brunch and REI shopping when he gets back). He's going with a friend, it'll be good. Better for me to stay home this time. I'll go to Vegas with him in March to hike Red Rock Canyon and see Alice Cooper.

Baked him a birthday pumpkin sweet potato pie this morning, along with cooking us both lunch and dinner, played with the cat, cleaned the kitchen. I crashed early last night and had restless sleep again. I keep having nightmares. One had Elon Musk in it. I guess because Tyler and Josh and I were having conversations about why anyone would ever want to accumulate more money than they can even use.

Work was hard yesterday but rewarding. I am not sure I should be giving discounts again, but I couldn't help myself yesterday. Honestly I think it is partly because of the ICE stuff. I heard waaaaayyyy too much on the news yesterday about that, waaaaay too many graphic gory details. I just want to help people around me, somehow. I want things to be different. It is so scary that this is happening literally on the heels of the deaths of the last few remaining living survivors of the holocaust. I heard about a Venezuelan family with a child being taken and how the children are being held and how someone I knew had talked about their friend who was hosting a Venezuelan family with a young child and it's just too much. We are going to be the depressed ashamed Germans paying reparations to the rest of the world, you know.

So I give discounts at work. Because suddenly this makes my work less valuable?

My poor broken trauma-brain.

This is why I hide from the news. I can barely survive as it is. I am more vulnerable than I appear. I feel like I am edging with death all. the. time.

Part of this is due to being such a close witness to my mom's death, and being so similar to her, and feeling as if it happened to me, or should have happened to me, or definitely will happen to me, or all of the above. This is in my mind in the background 24/7. I watched her die for 11 years. It got progressively more painful and horrific as time went on. I can't escape the thoughts that I failed her, that the same experience is coming for me, that I don't deserve to live or enjoy life at all.

Only the mountains quiet these voices, they are still there, just, quieter.

I think it might be time to face this in therapy but I'm afraid of losing my last thread of my ability to function in the process.

I am afraid of my appointment this Thursday. I have to go see the lady who mutilated me, and show her my disfigurement, and watch her apologize (she already has apologized profusely and does not blame me for being upset). It's not *that* bad. But it is a strange dent that doesn't feel like mine. I miss the natural curve of that breast, it's just so insulting. That isn't what I look like, my brain says, every time I look at it or touch it. I still get twinges of sharp pain there, as if my body is saying, "this isn't me, this isn't right."

Tyler climbed up to Hogsback on Sunday, so he is not joining me today. Hogsback is about, umm, maybe 1000' from the summit of Mt Hood? Maybe 2000' below? I don't remember. I climbed it, you'd think I remember. But, it's a 5000'ish climb from Timberline, if taking the most common route, so Palmer is 6000-7000, I think Hogsback is 8000', Devil's Kitchen is 9000', Pearly Gates 10000? But I might have Devil's Kitchen and Hogsback reversed. Probably. Summit is 11000-something feet. A climber died on mount hood, he announced on his return, "Not me though!" Sigh. This is why I don't climb big mountains. That and mountaineering boots are really hard on my feet.

Ack gunna be hiking in the dark whoops. Off I go.

ran out of steam, but accomplished some things. I would love to bake a pie and dye my hair but I think I will curl up and attempt another grief meditation.

I mailed my order and address updates, paid bills, donated my precious knee length down coat from my years in Boston, that kept me safe and warm when my dad died, kept me safe and warm after 9/11 (I was in Boston the day the towers fell and since the planes came from Logan airport, there was an especially dark cloud over the city and a deafening quiet in the sky for weeks, as air traffic was entirely halted), kept me safe and warm when I got my hip reconstructed, when I lost my first lover, who had my entire heart and soul. I still miss him. We were together for 6.5 years. He was 7 years my junior. It didn't matter. We were amazing together. I hope he is happy and well, wherever he is. He came back from deployment with damaged hearing and some spiritual wounds that I doubt will heal, but I hope someone out there is loving the utter hell out of him, he deserves it.

He is the reason I have made this much progress trying to become a better person. He taught me how to be better, how to love, how to function without inflicting pain on those who tried to love me. He brought me everything good in my life. Indirectly, through a mutual friend, he brought me Josh and Tyler. It doesn't matter that I put him on a pedestal, I will never see him again. So he will stay there all shiny and perfect and untouchable.

If I do ever see him, I will not let him leave without a kiss.

He would be... 43? What a hottie, I bet.

I walked under the sliver moon for too long and got too chilled and can't get warm.

Checked out some gift shops, bought Josh some single source award winning chocolate, bought myself some colorful pens for calendaring and washi tape with bunnies on it.

The gift shop won't work for sparkling, alas. But Symposium still may. We shall see.

Or maybe I can rent space somewhere else. I will keep my eyes open.

Back to work tomorrow, and then Shadowplay.

Maybe I can dye my hair in the morning. Or not.

I am tired but happy.

I also donated my electric blanket, a gift from Preston's mom, a different ex. Preston was marriage material too, like John, but, Josh is a better fit for me. Preston was wonderful and fun and exactly what I needed at the time, but, he had a temper. I am too delicate for being berated and treated as if I am stupid when I make mistakes.

I still want to smash my entire body against his every time I see him (I haven't seen him in years, but still). This will never go away.

I am so in love with everyone and everything right now. Is this what it feels like to not be depressed? The laughing ducks. The quiet shadowy nutria swimming in the chilled creek in the darkening dusk. The bare tree branches against the twilit sky. The cheerful pub lights in the distance. Afternoon coffee. My sweet silly cat. Little space heaters to take the chill off. Salty crunchy snacks. It's all just so perfect and miraculous.

It was really, really hard letting go of those items that kept me warm and safe during really hard times. But Josh keeps me warm and safe, now. I keep myself warm and safe. My friends keep me warm and safe. I will be okay without them.

I kept the floor length wool coat, and the down comforter, for now. I eventually should be able to release them, too, but, let's give it a little while longer. I can't go too fast and hard too soon on this new chapter of releasing emotionally hoarded items. It has to be slow and gentle and steady. Baby steps. The only way I've ever successfully improved as a human.

omg. keplers_angels mentioned Rob vibing and I went to check and whoooooah, yeah, the resonance.


♉ TAURUS (Week of January 22nd, 2026)
You are an ambassador from the material world to the realm of spirit—and vice versa. One of your prime assignments is the opposite of what the transcendence-obsessed gurus preach. You're here to prove that the flesh is holy, pleasure is a form of prayer, and the senses are portals to the divine. When you revel in earthy delights, when you luxuriate in rich textures and tastes and scents, you're not being "attached" or “unspiritual.” You're enacting a radical sacred stance. Being exuberantly immersed in the material world isn’t a mistake to overcome but a blessing to savor. May you redouble your subversive work of treating your body as a cathedral and sensual enjoyments as sacraments.

This has been a lifelong practice for me. Finding the divine in every breath, every cell, right here in front of us in the delicious real honest flesh and blood material existence.

All these tiny little blessings. Miracles miracles everywhere everywhere inside and out.

I resolve to give Joshter more soft sexy sensual kisses. As spiritual practice.

...

I started my spreadsheet. Still need to dl the forms. Getting there! It's a good start. With 15 minutes or so left to doodle.

Got Indian Ridge yesterday for July, I am hoping that trip pans out. That tower can be incredible in the right conditions, and miserable in the wrong ones. Crossing my fingers.

Still trying for a couple more summer lookouts. I already have: Green Ridge for May 5 (we'll call this my birthday trip), Fivemile for June 3 (possible mushroom trip), Acorn Woman for July 3-5 (possible Tyler birthday trip, we've spent the 4th here before and it's wonderful), and now Indian Ridge for July 19.

I would still like Acker for Josh (the one with the rock climbing route below it) and Gold Butte I haven't been able to scrounge up but I would love to get Josh out there on a weekend, if the road is passable (it got really badly damaged in the big fire a few years ago). If we can link it with soaking at Breightenbush, even better.

Green Ridge opens back up in March for its September dates. The first open date in Sept is our anniversary, wouldn't that be nice?

But there's always Timberline Lodge for a backup plan :) It is extra nice having showers and food and a pool and hot tub, it's closer and there's glorious hiking and we can bring our own food if we don't want to spend more than the room fee, making it almost as affordable as a lookout trip. Off-season at Timberline is a newly discovered treasure and we are so lucky to have this option.

...

I got up too early, I am sleepy and underslept. There is so much I want to do today, my day off, but I need more rest first?

I want to go to silks at noon, do my PT while I'm there, and then take my laptop to the coffee shop and try to get started on my student loan recertification. Also hire the gutter cleaner guy and also a few other admin chores.

There is so much maintenance I need to do on the website but maybe I can work on that tomorrow, after hiking or biking (I am tempted to go back to Dog?).

I want to do housework! At least the floors, but omg my poor bedroom/office/closet/bathroom situation, I can't keep neglecting it forever? I don't know how to motivate to fix this.

I need to catch up on laundry and get groceries, also. Oof, tired just thinking about all this.

I should make some dinner for Josh? He's got lunch at least - Tyler did not eat the noodles I brought for him.

Tyler and I went hiking yesterday! For the first time in forever! It was so nice! I actually felt super super good with him for the first time in a long time. He seems a little subdued. He seems somehow smaller. He always used to seem larger than life, to me. He was more affectionate than usual, sticking close and holding me from time to time. I snuggled him aggressively, he let me.

Saddle Mountain was unexpectedly closed which was SO sad, but we went to Neahkanie instead which is a lovely consolation prize. The downside is a longer drive and shorter hike with more people (there are two trailheads so lots of people take the easy/short one, so the peak gets crowded), but the day was glorious and it felt like a decent workout anyway. It's a steady 1600' climb so no picnic :) I made us all beautiful food before I left - bison flat iron steak bites, sourdough noodles with veggies, sliced cheese and apples, extra fruit and crackers for nibbles, kombucha and I made us mint hot cocoa for the top (it tasted good even though it was a warm day). There is a glorious view of the ocean on top of Neahkanie.







Afterward we drove down to Manzanita and put our toes in the icy cold Pacific and watched the sunset. Tyler bought me a latte on the way to the coast and insisted on buying us treats at a little winery for dinner. He got the little mezze plate and a rose, I got their Best Day n/a IPA, which I usually would drink on the drive home but had forgotten to bring this time - I love drinking non-alcoholic beer while driving, there's something about it that feels soooooo satisfying lol. But drinking it with Tyler sipping fancy wine next to me outside by a huge barrel firepit while watching the sky change all sorts of unspeakable shades of darker and darker blue was pretty spectacular, too. I love him so much.

I also love Josh for encouraging all of this and for loving Tyler almost as much as I do. (Tyler introduced us and has consistently been a lynchpin of our relationship. Most of my favorite moments of my life have been with these two.) Josh chatted with Tyler a bit before we left in the late morning, while I served him lunch and packed our food for the hike.

...

Work Thurs/Fri as usual, then a rare free weekend, hopefully that will entail some quality time with Josh and Cynthia and catching up on more house stuff.

...

Josh and I had the MOST FUN dancing Sunday night. 20 years ago when I used to dance at the Fez, DJ Gregarious did a night called Shut Up and Dance, every Friday. Preston and I were devoted regulars of this night. Derek was doing Shadowplay on Thursdays which I also attended but Fridays were my date night with my boy and it was always super fun. I got to know Greg a bit and he was often request-friendly. So having him at Coffin Club in any capacity makes me really happy. I talked him into doing Shut Up and Dance there a few times in recent years, and he thanked me for the encouragement. His Sunday night thing is called Now That's What I Call Goth, and is a really silly mix of new wave and 80s/90s/2000s random stuff. It's a more relaxed crowd and a fun goofy night, and Josh and I had the best time.

I danced without a bra for the first time since surgery, and only suffered a small amount for it. I wore my itty bitty sparkly purple sequin shorts and the purple handmade top that is Josh's favorite (it is a one of a kind work of art, hand felted sculpted wool and silk made by an artist in the Bay Area who no longer makes them - such a lucky find at a consignment shop next to my grocery coop). I had my Shut Up and Dance tank top over it when we got there, a) because it was SO COLD and b) because of Greg. When I went to say thank you and goodnight to him, he gave me a big hug, and his wife Elizabeth hugged me too, it was sooooooo sweet. I felt so loved. It was a good vibe all around, everyone seemed to be having a good time, even the staff.

...

Boob is still dented but healing, I don't know, trying not to stress too much over it.

I am doing an amazing job of not texting Finley before he leaves the country for three months.

I haven't reached out to Amanda yet. I know she is hurt by my withdrawal and I am afraid of hurting her more. I would like to reconnect but not on the level I know she would want. It's hard.

I want more Duncan time but I need to catch up on my own work, first.

I *really* need to do a solid, deep grief meditation, today. All the back ick thoughts are bubbling up, about how I mistreated my mother and failed her completely as a daughter and let her die in a miserable way and and and. It's bad. Also bad thoughts about the loss of my skating coach (and skating in general, a loss I also need to grieve), and my climate grief, and and and.

I also need to do some doodling and just decompress. It's time. My wings need attention but I'm not ready for that yet.

Had the most lovely sparkle party with my mardi gras ladies on Sunday, it went perfectly and I am so grateful. I was completely wiped out and exhausted and came home with $250 for the day, which is less than a usual hard day's work for me, but I am so happy that the ladies were happy, and was so uplifted and inspired by them, I am SO LUCKY to be able to do this work, I am thrilled beyond measure and it is more than enough to reward my efforts, here. They are more than worth it, I am happy.

Need to reach out to some friends I've been neglecting, eat some healthy food, okay, off I go.