STILL HAVEN'T GOTTEN INTO POSTING

SO good morning, it's Monday. I'm moving a bit slow today. My head seems to like to play games with me these days. I feel a bit OFF, no other way to describe it I guess. A little light headed,clouded headed, off balance. Not really sure what it is. Or why. My blood preasure seems to be pretty good today. The bottom number is up a bit. 156/86. Doctor next month, maybe it's time for pills again. who knows. So who is my body otherwise doing? I have noticed that even men have a bit of fatty tissue in their boobs. When you have your boobs cut off or out you have nothing. No fat at all. My skin on my right side that has healed way longer is right up on my ribs or whatever bone structure that is there. I will have a bit of fluid build up in my left boob area. But I googled it and it says it could take up to a year for it to go away. So I wear a sports bra most times in hope it will push that out. But I also am wearing looser clothes, tops mostly. I have noticed when I forget I dont have any boobs or hair and walk up on someone and talk to them. They seem to sorta take a small gasp. Like WOW WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU. It doesn't bother me really it just has become an awareness to me. My bare chest has bumps and valleys and ridges and stuff you never knew could be there. I have also noticed that below your boobs you have ribs that stick out and on your sides fatty part that is there too. Just a weird change of body. my scar on my right side still have the rough dried super glue on it. Do I feel less then,,,, not really Boobs have never been a "thing" for me anyways. OK ENOUGH ABOUT MY BODY. OH WAIT,,, I did loose 5 pounds since my last weigh in. that felt pretty good. Well I guess I'm not done with this... I still have to go in every 3rd week for another infusion, that will happen until the end of December. THAT IS WHEN I'LL RING MY BELL. I also have to go in every 3 moths for an ELECTROCARDIOGRAM cause guess what,,, chemo really destroys your body,,, AIN'T THAT NICE,,, hhhmmmm oh you have poison lets use a different one and kill off the rest of your body while we try and kill that crap. aNYWAY YEAH SO THAT IS MY LIFE THESE DAYS. tHE WORLD TODAY IS A SAD SCARY THING IF YOU LET IT GET TO YOU,,, YES I DO AT TIMES. i AM NTO SURE WHAT TO THINK MOST THE TIMES. iS THIS ALL POLITICAL? cAN SOME PEOPLE REALLY BE THAT MEAN TO CAUSE SHIT LIKE THIS... ooopppssss caps sorry HAHHAH Is this Covid really as bad as they want us to thin? then you have the BLM thing going on,,, I've noticed it's mostly young white kids who are protesting... and those who seem to be of the weirdo thinking kind. Is racisum really as bad as they are spitting out? I'm living life in a small world but I really don't see it. The older generation like me seem to have squashed things and just want to live life. I'm not saying there aren't mean people out in the world. But I also think that if you bring that stuff to the forefront of life it grows. You know like,,, I feel great today BUT if someone says,,, wow Jaye you feelin ok,, you look tired or a little under the weather HELL I'D END UP THINKING I WAS DYING! OK enough words out of my small brain... I need to mail off a box to Abigail and go to the store and buy the rest of stuff i need to pay off a friend for power washing my deck. Fried burritos. I reconnected with Catherine and Val too this past week,,, YAY ok see ya

I'VE REACHED THE END OF 1 ROAD

WELL HELLO ALL WHO ARE NOT HERE,,,, and a few who are. Today marked the end of my intense visits with my NOboob doctor. The Plastic surgeon. She has really been great, it was my body that did not want to do what it should have. I went in worrying about maybe not healing right again. But she said I am doing great. She said to relax that I most likely have PTSD from all the bumps. But I'll be just fine, perfect at that. So I have no boobs, I have 2 straight flat lines of incision across what would have been boobs. I am flatter then a man. But ya know what,,,, I am just fine with that. REALLY. Sometimes I think there might be something wrong with me because I am not i any kind of depression or pitty me over not having boobs. I never really had any to start with. I saw a glimps of maybe having some before I die but really they have never been what makes me who I am. I've always been that ugly duckling and never hung up on looks. I am not saying that for a poor me,,, I'm talking reality and I am fine with it. Back when I was younger I sue to wish I looked like all the other girls but then again,,,,, why? I did take a long while to be ok with it,,, like 56 or so years HAHHHAHA So here I am alive, No boobs, Little hair, alone, But you know what... I have never in my whole 63,,, WOW THAT IS A BIG NUMBER years been as content as I am with my life right now. I USE to think being a mom and having my kids was what would make me ok. Being good at it would be the thing that made me worthy to be alive. BUT ya know, I can take pride in how my girls have turned out. My 2 oldest ones specially. They ARE me, I put every ounce of me into them, most without even knowing I was doing it. The 3 younger ones,,,, well I poured everything I had into them too, but they are not ME. They are their own beings, even though they spent most their lives with me, the belief I had that environment over rode genes,, was not true. and I am OK with that. I did do my very best to give them value, love, respect, and a purpose in their lives. Sandy I think of the 3 is the most kinda bonded to me.. Why does she feel she owes me? or did the environment thing work with her? No clue Guess I nolonger need that answer. I love them all, BUT I will admit there IS a big difference in the love I have for them and the older 2, of my genes, my blood. As much as I love the others, there is a weird feeling of,,, they really were never mine. I had a job,,, I loved them to pieces and I am proud of who they all have become. If I agree or not,, they are their own people and I'll always be here for them if they every need me. But they really don't any more. It's both sad and very proud. Not sure why I went off there but oh well. So my contentment with life and how it has turned out. Yep this last 8 months has been scary, yet I just road the wave. No expectations, just except the yucky and enjoy the good. I do miss my girls, but they have their lives. and the best thing is I no longer need them to make me anything. I love my house, my yard, my school friends, my bestie right down the street. Yep they all drive me nuts at times. But when I ever think of leaving here to maybe be closer to the girls,,, I have a twinge of panic,,,, NOPE NEVER although I know when I need them to wipe my ass I'm sure I'll give in. Until then I will enjoy every breath and every stinking thing in my house that is all ME! Yes I do get lonely,, I get scared at times thinking what would happen if,,,,, but ya know what,,,,, I can't live in what ifs. So WOW that was crazy, guess I needed blogging more then I thought. So I do hope to be funny,relaxed enjoy every moment... I still have infusion every 3 weeks,, doctors I have to deal with,,, I'm sure fear of cancer again,,, but screw that... I plan to go back 20 plus eyars and find crazy times and I'll remember and feel those emotions again,, and maybe share some. ok I'm out OH I stopped in and saw the parents today,,, that story at another time.. but it was so good to see and hug them,,, nite

MAYBE I CAN GIVE THOSE PEOPLE ON FB A BREAK,,,,,

JUST A FEW PICTURES TO UPDATE LIFE,,,,

WOW IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME,,,,,, LETS UPDATE SHALL WE...

So just what has been going on with me? HHHMMMMM I've been gone a while. I have been in Michigan now 5 years. Pop's is doing well as can be expected. We are on lock down and I haven't been over there in 2 months. Jmom has been holding down the fort. WELL LETS BACK UP shall we. Last August I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer, WHY do they get CAPS? Let's back up a tad more. Last May I went in for my mamo. results were all clear! After about 2 weeks I gave someone a hug, and OUCH WTF WAS THAT? I felt a small lump in my left boob and it was a high pitched pain,,, hhhmmmm maybe nothing. But then I kept hitting it on rake handles and different things. Pain was not fun... So I had a normal check with thte doc in late July. I go in and tell him about this pain and bump. He said "OH you probley pissed off the scar tissue from your surgery years ago,,, lets go to an ultrasound anyway." So I do as ordered, Off to the cancer center and again WTF IS THAT? I needed to have a biopsy done on it.,ok,,,, So a week later 2 days before my 63rd BDAY I get a notification in my doc portal and it says,,, POSITIVE FOR DUCTAL WHATEVER BREAST CANCER!!! WTF! SO Then I have to make an appointment with a real cancer doc and a SURGEON! what???? sO SADLY i LET MY GIRLS KNOW, WHO ARE OF COARSE FREAKING..... THEY NEED TO BE HERE Well my baby girl Sandy surprised me on my Birthday and flew in for a week. A great deturant from the reality of my life. We had a blast. So I then make my appointment with the surgeon, my bestie went along. She gave the grim reality of what was happening and what was going to happen my options for after that and life goes on. OK cool I GOT THIS.At this time my tumor was 0.09cm no biggy lets take care of this,just scoop that little bitch out. right?,,, Surgery set up for October BUT WAIT LETS RUN ANOTHER TEST,,, THE GENE TEST,, BRACA just in case so we know,,,, ok well guess the f@uck what,,, YEP I AM POSITIVE for BRACA2 wHAT THIS MEANS IS i HAD A 80% CHANCE OF THE BREAST CANCER COMING BACK by the time I am 72. WELL HELL... so my choice was to do a double mastectomy and get ahead adn rid the chance of it coming back. Cause there will be no breastes. right? So ok next appointment is a plastic surgeon for reconstructive surgery. At the ripe old age of 63 I can finally have some BOOBS!!!! LETS GO! So girls can't jump right on a plane so we will wait till October... COOL works cause now I get time to settle this whole thing in my brain and heart. So surgery for double mastectomy set for Oct. 8 2019. Bestie and her hubby will take me and wait till Im done. Amy and Robby will fly out the next couple days. All went great with the surgery although I puked for 24 hours from the crap they put you to sleep with. BUT IM HOME thank God! I'm feelin pretty good, no need for pain pills I can sleep i my own bed. Nothing like everyone was telling me it would be. AND TOPPER WAS I WOULD NOT NEED ANY CHEMO OR RADIATION WOO HOOO GOO MEEEEEE! Amy and Robby were here a few days it was great having them here. A few weeks later Dawn came out with Abigail and Sandy came back out too. They were here a week it was great! So next appointment is the Oncologist, I get in there and thinking I was all done with crap going south,,,,, NOPE SURPRISE YOU GOTTA HAVE CHEMO!!!! WTF BIG TIME!? WELL it seems like you not only have the BRCA2 that is kinda rare BUT YOU ALSO HAVE HER2! WTF IS THAT,,, yet another little gene thing that does not like your body cause it is a gene that feeds cancer cells and advances it rapidly... reason why your once little tumor WAS 0.09cm when we first saw it and it was 1.5cm when we cut it out! OH GREAT! NOW WHAT,,, so here I am no boobs but I am set up to get some with expanders in to stretch my skin for when I get the inplants in. OK FINE,,, Lets start this chemo crap. Started Chemo in December, a low does to kill any JUST PER CHANCE cells left behind. OH AND an extra infusion of another drug to kill off the HER2,, so 13 weeks of chemo low does and A YEARS WORTH of the other but after chemo is over it's only every 3 weeks. ok cool lets kick this things ass! well 2 weeks after my first surgery my insions got infected and i ended up with a bacteria infection. SO back in surgery to redo the first cuts and clean out the infection,,,,, ok lets roll now,,,, NOPE AGAIN The right Noboob that had the cancer is still not healing right. So back under the knife... Take out the expander and sent home to heal,,,,, a few weeks later that insion split open,,,,, OH BUT WAIT THEN CORONA HIT TOO,,, NO SURGERIES,,, THIS IS AN ELECTIVE really??? so By the time I finally get in to get my surgery I decided SCREW BOOBS!!!!! I';; BE MS NOBOOBS AND BE DONE! SO FINALLY Mid May I go in for my fingers crossed last surgery. Take out the right expander, and be done with it.... So here I sit 2 weeks out of surgery and hoping I cna just get on with life. My hair is growing back, I go back every 3 weeks for HER2 infusion till the end of December. I feel great, FAT but I feel good. I have been on somekind of restriction since October and I'm SO OVER THIS CANCER CRAP!!! THERE HAS BEEN SOME GOOD THINGS COME FROM THIS,,,, Because the BRCA is passed down the girls got tested and BOTH ARE NEGATIVE A GOOD THING. That's my crazy story of good ole BREAST CANCER DELIGHT! NOW CAN WE UPDATE OF OTHER LIFE IN MY LIFE,,,,,, I have been home 5 years now, In my house for 4 years. I love it, I'm HOME for sure. I am more content then I every have been in my whole life. I have many friends and people I know here. school friends and extended family here too on both sides of my parents. Amy and my Squirrel came for a visit 2 Ocotobers ago,,, Dawn and Abigail came and Dawn is married to Travis, love him they bought a house in texas. She/they are having another baby in October this coming. Fawn now has 3 babies, Aurora, Riley and Jack. Her and I are still hit or miss since my moving out here. But that is ok cause I did what she needed me to do for the time I did it. She is now married to Kyle. OK I'll shut up for now,,, but I have a new PC so I'll be back if anyone happens to come visit me.. But I am thinking this will be a good time to REblog... I miss it.... Enjoy the day, stay safe and pray this stupid virus goes away!!!!!!!

Well this is weird

I've been trying to get into my blog and haven't been able to...unwell I think I'm in now.

Well time after time...

I find that my move back home WAS/IS the best thing for me.
The things I have in my life, the emotions I have, the well mental health I have is a huge confirmation.

I lived in a constant panic of what will be..? Panic that I would have to work way too hard for way too little money and never have anyone have my back.
Today I sit and think over my life,, I only have living expenses, my house is paid off and my utilities are more then half what they were in Arizona.
Yes my car and house insurance is double ,, ok maybe my property taxes are double too.. BUT THE TRADE OFF is huge!
I have friends, I have my very own space, I have no craziness of life around me. The bonus's are huge. I have green, the smell of real dirt, blue skies, I have friends, and parents who have my back. They may not be my birth parents but even closer. I am going to be just fine, I AM going to be ok. Alone?? Most likely but I am getting more ok with that.

I am calm, I love this house I have made my home. I know more every day that it was God who put me here.
In October I will be able to relax and enjoy life even more, work less and enjoy everything with ease.
Yes I miss my kids but as I said before I did not have them to entertain me for ever.

So life is good,,,

Hey lets try this from my phone

Well I have downloaded this app. Let's see if I can blog now