The Great Outdoors

I have switched to blogspot. Just to let you know. Haha.

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

For months it had become an endless worry. I've always doubted that I could make it through my A-levels. Thoughts of re-taking my subjects surfaced every now and then, but the more I thought about that, the more I felt that no matter what, I just can't bear to re-take any subject. It's be too much for me. So I hoped, prayed, and lost many hours of sleep.

And so the day came. Mum woke me up earlier than I expected to wake, and I tried going back to sleep. Tossing and turning for an hour caused Sammy be disturbed (which resulted in the both of us having an extremely tired day). In the end, at 8am, I flipped open my laptop, Sammy resting her head on my lap, and I keyed in my password for access to my results.

And yes, judging by the title of this blog post, I got my straight, 4 A's. =)

And man... the minute I was satisfied I wasn't dreaming (yes, I checked many times and even called the Taylor's office up), I could feel a wave of tired-ness wash over me. Ready as I was to go back to sleep, Sam and I had to get up coz I had to send her to KL Sentral. We managed to lie in bed a little and snuggle under the covers for a while longer though. Tee hee. She made my morning all the more meaningful, and the night before was awesome with a new movie watched on my laptop, and lots of chatting the night away. Mum and Dad were happy for me, all's well with the world.

So I sent her off, and then came home. Shev messaged to suddenly say that she didn't want to go to Pyramid for lunch anymore. So the odd couple of Jean and Dobs went to Pyramid to have lunch, before resolving to get Shev some cookies and a lollipop for a surprise visit.

Ding-dong. We appeared in Shev's place and accompanied her the whole evening. You can't actually say that we chatted and talked, because there were many moments filled with silece and television watching. But sometimes you can't beat the simplicity of that.

I don't know what the other two felt, but in a nicely decorated living room, the television on, air-conditioning running, and the rain, it makes a pretty conducive environment for my soul.

I was reminded of happier times. The rush of the wind, the rain drops falling on my face as I looked up into the sky and and embrace the world. I remember running through the rain with Nat, to an oh-so-horrible accounting tuition. Drenched, but memorable.

Of Bukit Tinggi, and the drizzle that was falling on Sam's head and mine as we stood on the balcony, staring out into the cold, December night. The way the wind seemed to whisper into your ears.

Reading books in my room as I looked out the window. A very bad habit to switch on the table lamp, which doesn't provide much light for reading. The tree was still there, it's leaves rustling, the wind howling. Me petting Isis' head while she was whimpering, scared of lightning and thunder.

Yes, the rain brings back lots of memories. Many others that I have not mentioned.

We left after a while. Bummed at home.

Will be seeing Sam again tomorrow. And Nat and Bel on Wednesday. Probably many more hopefully. Let's see how it goes from here. =)

In a nutshell, the picture below says everything about my day.

 

More often then not, I write a whole lot of nonsense in this blog, mostly due to the clutter that is present in my brain. Possibly entertaining, but can be a downright bore to read at times. It makes me wonder whether people actually bother reading this stuff, but then again, it brings about a question; is the blogging for me, or for the reader?




In a sense, it's mostly about me. But a conscious mind is the key reminder that this avenue is by no means private, so a lot of mental censoring has taken place. So much so that the censors have led my posts to be nonsensical in nature, or callous and immature.

I look at life and wonder where I'm going. People seem to have a good impression of me, and there's plenty of good fortune in meeting good people as well, but it brings about this burden that rests on your shoulders to maintain such an image. Don't you think?

Have you ever wondered what it'd be like to meet a Jean that doesn't do well in her examinations? Some people find it hard to digest. The A-level results are coming out this Monday, and my nerves are shot. LSE has been the ultimate goal for a long time now. My hope is that I made it, and to make my parents proud. But honestly, it feels good to have people look up to you and all, but when the results come out, and I get another A, it just becomes another day. It's sad to have a yearning for praise from people who expected it from you, but never dish out what you've been wanting to hear. "Good job". Actually, it's the voices of the two people that brought me to this earth that I want to hear. Who have never failed to dish out elaborate dinners and words of congratulations to the youngest person of my family, but hardly any for the two oldest children. Why is that?

But for all that is worth, I know they are proud of me. Sometimes it just needs to be expressively stated. Someone else needs to be given recognition too. Samantha. She stands by me in every occasion and never fails to be everlasting, faithful and special. She's agreed to stay over on Sunday night, to go to work later on Monday, just to be with me when I flip open the laptop to check on fate.

Of course, a lot of thanks goes out to those who have made this happen. Those I studied with, did questions with, discussed with. The teachers, the friends, and everyone else whom did not manage to get mentioned.



If father time was a murderer, he apparently enjoys bringing out the suffering.

It took great effort to drag myself out of bed today, but it was worth it.

Went over to Sammy's house for a bit in the morning. Lay on her bed with her and we were pretty much chatting the lazy morning away.

We lay close, our eyes engaged in the intensity of the moment. Laughter and smiles escape our lips as we spoke of things no one else knew of. Not her sister, who was in the room with us. For sometimes it feels like the world just contains us both. She pats my tummy as it growled, signifying my hunger, but hunger is something that can be forgotten easily, given the right person to stimulate your day. It had completely slipped my mind, but the pat on my stomach made me remember. It growled again, and that's when we got up and went out for lunch. But we didn't want to leave. The morning sun shone through her window, and with the air-conditioning on and the way the weather was, cloudy and hazy, we just didn't want to leave.

So off we went for lunch. Chicken gratin! it's been a long time since we ate at Uncle Snacks. Then I sent her off to KL Sentral and subsequently went to do my banking things. Came home and took a nap before going cycling with my lil brother.

Days just doesn't pass by like this anymore.

She sits by her computer, typing away on the keys. A book lay not far from her, a book that she was just itching to read. She turned her attention to it, her hands flexing. She ran her hands over the thick spine of the book and flipped to the first page. Reading the first few lines, she could not resist.

Her attention turned,
and she left her computer aside,
Drifting into the world of imagination
that only a book can provide.

I'm sitting at the office table, trying my best not to nod off. The problem with being sick is that it weakens your body. Worst part is, the meds make you even sleepier. But i have a resolve to never sleep in the office.

Anyway, what I'm going to say is in regards to looks.

It's rather sad, that when I'm dressed casually, people don't take me seriously. Most can't even imagine that I'm 19 years old. DO I really look that young? Apparently so.

Last night, when I visited the doctor, she was talking to me as if I was a little kid. Went with Sam, and she asked her if she was my sister. Although she said no, the doctor wasn't really talking to me, but, instead, she was telling Sam to take care of me... Telling Sam that I had a viral infection and that it's nothing serious. Funny isn't it? For all that, I actually kind of expected some sweets.

The question is, do I really look and act young? Sometimes I don't even have to act. People sorta think that I'm like... 15 or something.

In a serious situation however, the reverse happens. People get shocked to know that I am "ONLY 19?!" (in their words).

Why the two extremes? Hmm...

Strange.

Needs sleep... Should I take the other half of the day off? darn meds.

In the words of the wise:

"It was such a lovely day I thought it a pity to get up."

W. Somerset Maugham

That pretty much describes my Monday morning.

Due to an extreme need of something to do, I decided to take free online IQ tests.

clicking on the first link http://www.free-iqtest.net/ 

i found that apparently I have an IQ of 140. however, I actually find that hard to believe so I took another (more professional sounding test) at http://www.highiqsociety.org/iq_tests/

in this one, apparently I have an IQ of 125. strange thing about the second link is that apparently if you have a high IQ you can join some high IQ society or whatnot. didn't want to give out my personal details so I didn't join. xD

Well, apparently 120-140 is considered to be superior intelligence. *shrugs*

so... apparently I'm not as dumb as I thought.

ROFL.

cheerio!

I have always known for a long time that the world was full of hypocrites and that there are plenty of boys (I wouldn’t call them men) out there who are spoilt mamma’s boys. But even with that knowledge in mind, it still doesn't fail to annoy me when I encounter such people.

 

I recently came in contact with such a person.

 

And boy oh boy am I trying to keep my frustrations in. It’s a simple task. I don’t think anyone notices it. But that’s only what I think, which, unfortunately may not be the case.

 

Makes me feel bad though, to Sam, when I start complaining about this person so often. Poor thing. *sigh *

 

And here I am sitting down, feeling nauseated for some weird reason or the other.

 

Haih.

There is simply just something special about water; the essence of life.

 

Once, when I went for the compulsory 5-hour talk required for learner car drivers, the instructor mentioned this in front of the whole hall.

“If you’re stressed, just go somewhere in your house to listen to the sound of running water. Whether it’s letting the tap run (assuming you’re un-eco friendly and have lots of money to spare), or taking a chair, sitting outside the bathroom door as someone showers, or whatever else it may be, it works. Well, if not for you, then for me.”

(Translated from Malay)

 

Water. It brings about a whole wave of emotions.

 

Anime/manga, movies, comics… they all use a water droplet on a still lake to emphasize silence.

Tears, a symbol of sadness and at times, happiness. A paradox of sorts really.

 

Saliva? May be a gross thing to think about. But imagine a nice, warm bowl of your favorite soup on a cold, cold night. Hot chocolate with marshmallows in hand, it’s heat passing to your heat-deprived hands. Salivating, isn’t it?

 

The ocean. Where magnificent waves roll; creator and destroyer of lives. The ocean turns black as night falls, but turns blue when day rises. Orange at dusk and dawn. Water is a colourless fluid. It just appears to have different colours due to the reflection of the colour of the sky.

 

Blood. Yes, you read this right. Blood. It is compromised of water too. Often associated with pain, suffering and death. Something so important to us that is looked upon with in a manner not fitting of it’s importance.

 

Fluidity, emphasis, symbols and life. Many more words illustrate just how useful water is to us. But yet, the most essential commodity that we have is being wasted away.

 

An awful shame isn’t it?

How fast a week seems to fly.

Just last weekend I was taken by surprise when Sam called me on Sunday to go with her to Port Dickson. What an impromptu trip that was. But, I enjoyed it. I really did. Was awesome. The scenes were fantastic. The beach had white, fine sand.

We stayed in a chalet (all expenses were covered by her uncle, i think) that had a fantastic view of the sea. In fact, the chalet was built in such a manner that we are able to wade in the water during low tide, and the sea comes up really high during high tide. People set up their fishing poles at the room's balcony area and occassionally catch a fish.




One hilarious thing happened though. Sam's dad caught a fish. And they initially put it in the bathtub. It being a salt water fish, it died in the bathtub (which would obviously be a supply of fresh water instead). What happened next was.... Sam's uncle actually FLUSHED the fish down the toilet bowl. =.=



This was the bed that Sam and I shared. It's in a brilliant corner of the room. Looking outside our window, we can see the clear view of the sea. I lay there watching the wave patterns for a long time.



We leave footsteps in the sand. We make our mark in this world. We're small and insignificant to the world, but we are certainly not insignificant to each other. Insignificant souls, but not to those who love us. Don't you think?



Breathtaking.
Beautiful.

And thus this author's recluse must be given up for something else. Sleep.

Good night.

P.S. Avillion PD is one great place to go. I would go back if I had the chance. =)

I’m sitting on this desk, typing away where my fingers are taking me.

 

I don’t know exactly what this post will turn out to be, so bear with me if it gets a little too long winded, or if it completely just doesn’t make sense.

 

My head feels light and I can see the world in front of me spinning.

 

No, I’m not feeling sick. Just feeling a little disconnected. Disengaged from it, even.

 

Have you ever wondered why questions come to our heads? Questions that we ourselves know that there is simply just no answer to. Why do we ask them? Critical thought you say? Hardly. Some of the questions that pop into my head include; what happened if I chose to eat Pan Mee instead of Pasta? Would I be more satisfied then? =)

 

Similiarly, have you ever wondered why the more you think about why you can’t sleep, the more you can’t? It’s pretty distressing. It’s pretty annoying too. You end up listening to music and staring at the ceiling. No Mozart, Bach, Beethoven, Chopin (etc, etc, etc) can make you go to sleep. Neither can the Plain White T’s, Hey Monday, Lifehouse (etc, etc, etc) save you from the madness they call… so fittingly… insomnia.

The next thing that comes to mind is how freely ideas and things can come to a person when all he/she has to do is dream. It’s not limited to the dreaming in the sleeping sense, but also daydreaming. It’s a source of inspiration that you can never really find anywhere. Dreams never really die. Seems philosophical if you want to say that it is never created or destroyed, but is rather a constant changing force. It changes, and molds itself to the situation.

 

Sensitivity. I suppose it’s just something that we take, quite literally, lightly.

 

We thread lightly on people’s toes while trying to tell them their negative points. No one seems to like taking things like these, including constructive criticism, to the face. We speak lightly of things while discussing supposedly sensitive issues. Religion. Race. Etc, etc and etc. Many a times I have heard people speak of things that are not pleasing to the ear, but the minute the discussion HAS to involve these issues, such as an international forum or a congregation of religious leaders or a formal discussion on issues such as a Racial Act (or whatever else you can think of) we again thread lightly. Words used in the wrong way can cause tension, riots, and at it’s extreme, war. In a world of apparent freedom of speech… Do we really have it?

 

Everything is barred. There is no such thing as freedom. Culture is a barrier. Religion is a barrier. Ethnicity, Politics, Economics, Legal matters, Technology, Language, SOCIETY.

 

And the thing about language.. is that it can never fully express what we want to say. We run around in little circles trying to express ourselves, without the full effect of what we mean. A sad little world isn’t it?

 

Now, the whole point of my message today is…

 

I am so PAU PAU from lunch! XD

 

I bet you guys want to kill me now. =P Made you read through all of that just to know that lunch was good. ^-^

 

Well, dead geniuses are remembered longer than live ones. xD

But... well, honestly it was just random things that I thought about, while I'm waiting to be called to complete some work.

Tata. =)

Where am I now?

It's a simple question, which holds a simple answer, don't you think? But yet, I could not give an answer to that question. It's more than the simple words of saying, "i'm in my room", or "I'm at the bookstore, picking up a book to read".

No, it's much more difficult than that.

Where am I now?

The question hangs in the balance. Where am I now? I just couldn't comprehend my surroundings. All I knew was that people were walking past me in the streets. And the next second, I'm transported to a river, a small one by the mountains. Serene beauty was all around me. Then it changes again. I'm in the slums, and a big kid was bashing my teeth out, and me, a small fragile little thing unable to defend herself.
Flash. I'm on top of the Eiffel Tower, staring down at the people of Paris. The lights were beautiful from where I was standing, the wind blowing against my face.

Flash. I'm drowning in an ocean. I try to hold my breath as I desperately try to swim to the surface. But I had plunged too deep, and my breath not enough to bring me to the source of air. Not being able to hold it any longer, I breathed in water. Gulping it down as I would with air. But the pain of it. The inability for lungs made for air to 'breathe' in oxygen from liquid. My body writhing.

Flash. My room, a familiar place. A bed to rest my head at night. Lamps that emit orange glows and makes the room fel warm and cosy. I tuck myself into bed with the air-conditioning keeping the room at a comfortable temperature.

Flash,      Flash,      FLASH.

My head is spinning in circles. Where am I?

It's not that simple to answer.

I don't know where I am. All I can hear is the silence that comes after every question.

Sitting by the window, she watches the clouds roll by. Drifting in the air, gliding effortlessly across the sky. A butterfly flew nearby, and it caught her eye. Beautiful. Nature works wonders on creatures such as these.

Smiling, she reaches out to her warm cup of coffee. Sipping slowly, her attention once again turns to the world outside the looking glass. The warmness soothes her soul.

Sounds of the piano emerged from the house next door. The neighbour's kid, playing works of Chopin. A brilliant child he was. But nothing as brilliant as the music that came from within her soul.

Music, that can change like the seasons. Harsh, cold and unforgiving music. Music reflecting the harshness of winter. At times it plays a never ending tune of new beginnings.The music of spring. But right now, she found herself at a loss of words. Th music of her soul that came so effortlessly in the past, has grown silent.

Silent! She could not understand.

Desperately she tried concentrating on the tunes from the piano, but even that was silent to her ears.

Running down the stairs, she searches for a solution. She trips, falls, and hurts her knee.

Pain seared through her flesh, but, after a while, she just found it.... funny.

Prodding her flesh, she presses out more blood. Facination of the colour red. And then, she laughs.

And laughs.

Something must be seriously wrong with her? That may be what you think. But it doesn't matter.

You can think she's crazy.

But I'M just depressed. =(  Ah well.



Make me laugh. Please. So I can forget about the sorrows of the day.
*Note: the girl in the story is not me. xD