Sad but Snarky

Hello blog friends. How are you?  Yes it's been 4 months since my last post, and by now I'm sure I've lost even my last 3 readers. I felt the need to write tonight because my heart is so incredibly sad over the loss of my fellow blog friend Nancy Leisher from TheNewLifeofNancy. I just cannot believe that her life has been cut so short and her 3 adorable children will grow up without her as their mother.  The irony of life just kills me sometimes I feel sad that neither she nor I blogged much in the last couple of years. She last emailed me in December, and I finally got around to responding to her in February. Of course I was dealing with my mom's health scare, and kept putting off writing to her. I never heard back from her, and now I could kick myself for not responding to her in December. . I just visited her blog a few days ago - in fact it may actually have been on Monday July 2nd when she passed away. She died of a blood clot.

Nancy was one of the first people to comment on my blog when I started writing in 2007. At the time I didn't realize that my blog had shown up on Lost & Found as a new blog, so I was wondering how she found me.  She was so supportive of me over the years as I was trying every IF treatment under the sun.  I will remember her friendship always. She was the most kind-hearted bad ass that I've ever known. She had the guts to say what a lot of us in blogland wanted to say, but were too polite. However she always explained her reasoning behind her opinions, and she was one of the all time most intelligent people I've ever come across. I felt connected to her because we were both IT professionals. She would have been awesome to work with on a professional basis; I would just sit back and be mesmerized by her intelligence.  I wish I had been able to meet her in person, we would have had a great time - me in my goody two shoes get up and her in her kick-ass tattoos. Makes me want to run out and get a tattoo. I just told Tarzan that and he rolled his eyes.

Nancy had a heart of gold and she fought so hard to have her 3 beautiful children. Cycle after cycle, when most of us would have given up long before.  That is what is so hard to understand - that her 3 small, incredibly desired children won't have her to raise them.  Life is so freakin unfair! Gah!!! I'm thankful that she graced my life albeit virtually and from afar. She was one in a trillion and she touched many lives in her short time on this earth. I do hope that I see her again someday - please let there be an afterlife.  I'm grateful that I will be able to go back and read her blog posts. Makes me wonder if I should make this blog public again.  If I died tomorrow, no one would ever see this blog since it is private, but at the same time there is a lot on here that I don't want the public to see. Maybe I need to finally make that book, just so this will exist in a paper format.

Now let me explain the "snarky" in the title. Of course Nancy was the queen of snarky, and I'm not sure if she would approve of my actions this week, but I do.  I got a friend request on Tuesday from "R", the surrogate who ripped our hearts out a year ago.   There was no note accompanying the friend request, just a button for me to confirm or ignore. I about fell out of my chair when I saw it.  I showed Tony and he couldn't believe it either. I immediately hit ignore, so that I didn't have to see her picture staring at me.  Well later in the day I went to look at her page which I haven't done so since last July.  She had a lot of her recent activity locked down to just her friends, but some of her older photos were public.  Well low and behold there was an ultrasound picture from November 2011 when she was 22 weeks pregnant. I again about fell out of my chair wondering if she stole our baby. Well once I got out the pregnancy due date calculator I realized that if it had been our baby, it would have been born in February.  Some additional web sleuthing led me to her baby girl's birth date of March 14, 2012.  Whew, it wasn't our baby, but she got pregnant the very next cycle after she dumped us.  I then deleted her friend request and was just going to go on with my life. Well then today just minutes after I got the news of Nancy's death,, she sends me another friend request.  Part of me wondered if I should accept it....you know the whole "life is short", "let bygones be bygones"....but I just couldn't do it. I've come too far in the past year to let go of the hurt she did to us, and especially to me.  There isn't a single cell in my body that wants to go back to that time in my life, nor to have her back in my life.  I realize that forgiveness is ultimately for the benefit of myself, but I am not yet there. She hurt me deeply, and I will never forget it. I ended up sending her a private FB message saying that I had received her friend request but that I was going to pass at this time. I told her that if she has anything to say to Tarzan or I that she could email us, and then I wished her family well.  As far as I'm concerned, if she wants to apologize to us she can send us an email.  Well apparently she doesn't because just a little while ago, she must have gotten really pissed because she deleted her friend request and blocked me. I'm sorry if she was offended, but seriously did she really think I'd want to be her FB friend after what she did to us?

Update on last 4 months

Hello!  Those of you who don't know me on Facebook or in real life may have thought I fell off the face of the earth.  No I'm still living and breathing, but I haven't felt much like blogging and life is just now getting back to normal.  I will fill you all in!

• On November 22nd my sister called to tell me that my mom very nonchalantly told her the night before that she was going to the doctor the next day because she hadn't been feeling well, and that it could be heart problems.
• The doctor did an EKG and determined that my mom needed to go to the ER. My sister took her and my mom called me as they were driving to the hospital. I told my mom to be strong and that everything would be okay. My mom was admitted.
• November 23rd I drove the 7 hours from Illinois straight to the hospital and half way through the drive my sister called to say mom's heart cath showed major blockages. Mom was scheduled for emergency open heart surgery for Thanksgiving day. She was so serious they couldn't wait until Friday.
• November 24th THANKSGIVING DAY - My mom had a nearly 7 hour surgery to repair her mitral valve and to bypass 4 arteries, 2 of which were 99% blocked.  Yes it is a miracle that my mom was alive.  Kerry and I enjoyed the hospital cafeteria's Turkey dinner! 
• I stayed in Michigan with my mom as she recovered from her major surgery.  I worked part time in early December and then was off for 2 weeks vacation during Christmas.
• January 3rd - I took mom into the ER because she couldn't breathe. She was diagnosed with congestive heart failure, and the next day with multiple blood clots in both lungs and both legs. She was on complete bed rest for 8 days.  
• I then went on a leave of absence from work because it was very clear that I couldn't split my time between my mom and work. My mom needed me.
• After that lengthy hospital stay she had to have her lung drained again because it was still filling up with fluid.
• Finally in early February she started turning the corner and began feeling better. Woohoo mom! 
• February 15th - I finally got to go home after nearly 3 months in Michigan. It was a long time away from Tony, but I'm so grateful that work allowed me the time off to take care of my mom. She means the world to me and I could never have left her or put her into rehab to recover.  
• Mom is now doing great and is in her 3rd week of cardiac rehab. She has lost 45 pounds as well and is eating healthy!  
• I'm settling back into work and into life with Tarzan back in Chicago. The kitties were with me for part of the time in MI as well, so they are also settling back into our normal routine.  It is very nice to be back together with my hubby after spending so much time apart in the last 2.5 years. I hope we are done with that for awhile.
•  Alison, the surrogate who we didn't choose (Tarzan's fault lol) is 6 months pregnant with a baby for another couple. Although I'm mostly over the not having a baby thing, it is still bittersweet knowing she would have been an awesome surrogate for us.
• Another surrogate we didn't choose (Kellie) apparently ended up choosing a really bad Intended Mother who lied to her about being married, her age, and a bunch of other stuff. Well that surrogate, who is having the baby any day now, decided NOT to give the baby to that woman and is adopting it out to another couple. Wowsa, and I thought being dumped by our loser surrogate was bad. Heck at least there wasn't a baby already. I do believe Kellie's side of the story, but I feel very bad for the IM whether she lied or not. That would totally suck.
• I still have a lot of anger, bitterness and yes downright hatred toward our evil surrogate (don't want to even say her name).  I don't let it ruin my day or keep me depressed, but it is still there down deep.
• I'm getting more involved in animal rescue and that makes me happy. I guess it's my way of using my maternal instinct.
• It will always hurt to hear about other people being pregnant, but I think it's more about my "perceived failure" and envy that someone else "achieved" something that I didn't "get to" rather than any real desire to have a baby.  If I honestly think about it, I would rather have a 12 year old than a baby (and no Tarzan won't adopt so don't even suggest it).  I think the not really wanting a baby anymore has to do more with my age than anything else. I guess I've faced that I'm moving on to a different phase in my life and it is what it is.  The failure on my part to become a mother is something I will get over eventually.  I'm a competitive person, but competing with other people for "achieved life dreams" is not very realistic or healthy now is it? I am very grateful for everything else I have in my life - my health, my husband, my parents, sister, nieces/nephews, friends, a job, a nice house, my kitties, etc. 
• I cannot promise I'll blog much - It just doesn't appeal to me much anymore. 

I'm starting to be very thankful

that I am not a mother. A friend of mine lost her 22 year old son to suicide on Thursday.  I cannot even begin to fathom her pain. Her family has been through so much tragedy over the years; comparable to the Kennedy's in their losses. Kris lost 2 sisters to ovarian and breast cancer, and she is in the midst of a divorce.  Now to have to lose her son like this.  I honestly don't understand how some people almost seem chosen to experience the deepest, darkest valleys known to mankind.  I'm not able to go back to MI for the funeral as I just found out about it today.

This may seem very selfish, but I am honestly grateful that I will never have to know the pain of losing a child. 

Mom - this is a friend of Ann Vezina and mine.

Exciting Career News

Hello to the 6 people who read my blog!  Sorry it's been almost a month since I last posted.  Been busy I guess and not much to say until now. I have a new job....or rather I will in 9 months....but I have the offer now, so it really is official!  This career move has been in the works for a while, but I didn't want to announce it until I got the offer.  However I have accepted an offer letter for a job as a Program Manager with ACS, a Xerox Company starting next June.  I am actually "transitioning" from HP to ACS/Xerox (eventually the ACS name will go away and it will just be Xerox). That means I get to keep my 20 years of service, and my 5 weeks of vacation, but I'm getting a promotion and a huge raise. I am transitioning because we are in the middle of moving all of the work that HP currently does for Xerox - back to Xerox and specifically to the ACS part of Xerox.  When HP bought EDS the writing was on the wall at the Xerox account since HP and Xerox are direct competitors.  Xerox went and acquired ACS which is like a mini EDS and voila - the wheels are now in motion.  I am the Project Manager on the transition project from HP to Xerox, so I cannot move over to ACS until the last work has been transitioned. Thus I have to wait until next June to start my new job. 

Even though I have to wait 9 months, I've been doing the happy dance for a week since I found out that I would indeed be offered the role of Program Manager (PgM)  rather than a Project Manager (PM) that I am now.  The difference is that a PgM manages multiple projects, or a program with many sub-projects, or just really big projects that have a lot of executive level attention/exposure.  I'll be working my tail off, but it's an opportunity that I cannot pass up. 

My corporate career has been sort of on hold / not important / in the backseat for almost 10 years.  I thought I was going to make it big in my Backyard Soaps business and would be able to leave the corporate world - that didn't happen. Then I got married 5 years ago (anniversary in a few weeks), and having a family became the priority, then when Tarzan got the job in Chicago, I really had to keep my current job so that I could keep working at home and be able to move wherever Tarzan's job went.  The awesome news is that I'll be able to keep working at home in my new job.  With Backyard Soaps being majority owned by my business partner (although I still remain hopeful that someday my minor stake will pay off), and with kid dreams gone, I am putting my corporate career back on the priority list. Not that I want to be working 70 hours per week - no thanks.  The good news is that the team I'll be working for are all former EDSers/HPers and they believe very highly in a good work/home life balance.  I've been told the opportunities for growth are plenty, and I'm very happy about that. Of course it's still corporate American and anything can happen, but for now I've got a new job starting mid next year and I'm totally geeked about it!  Saving money will be the priority, but you can bet that I'll be driving a convertible in a couple of years!

St. Anthony Rocks!!!

Or rather I should say that St. Anthony found my ROCK! Lol. I prayed to him last night, and this morning my husband appeared with the ring in his hands.  He found it in the guest room in a pile of clothes. I surmise that it fell off my dresser Sunday night (which I remember hearing something fall). I changed the sheets on the master bed Monday morning, the ring got caught up in the sheets that were on the floor. I carried the sheets down to the guest room where I took off those sheets since it was sheet washing day. I picked up all of the sheets to carry down to the laundry room and the ring fell out onto a pile of Tony’s clothes that were on the floor. Tony crawled into bed this morning and put the ring in front of my face. I nearly hyperventilated and could not believe it. I seriously was ready to call the last gas station where I stopped on the drive Sunday and see if they had video of me buying the red licorice and if the ring was on my hand.

I prayed to St. Anthony last night and he must have the right ear of God because he came through! Thank you St. Anthony for your intercession, and thank you God for listening to him!  I’ll be in church on Sunday.  I want to try out the churches in our area to find one to call home anyway. I’m also calling our insurance agent today and adding a rider for the ring. I don’t care if it’s $200 a year. Better than losing a $10k ring which would probably cost $15k to replace with today’s gold prices.

Thanks ladies for your suggestion to pray to St. Anthony!!

I can't find my wedding ring

and I am sick to my stomach about it. I know it's only a "thing", but it's a very expensive thing that is not insured (don't ask).  I swear it was on my finger when I drove back to Illinois from Michigan on Sunday night. I think I took it off and changed my clothes before I unloaded my car of boxes. I haven't seen it since.  I didn't even notice it was missing until yesterday (Wednesday) therefore that leads me to conclude that it must be in this house. If I lost it on the drive home from MI I would have noticed it not on my finger. In fact the last place I vividly remember seeing it was at the gas station on my last stop where I bought some red licorice. I was at the checkout and I remember seeing the ring on my finger.  I didn't stop again until I arrived home in Chicago. 

I've spent 3 hours looking all over this house and I cannot find it. I haven't left the house since Sunday night, so I couldn't have left it somewhere.  We aren't putting out the garbage tonight because I'm going to have to go through every bag in case it got tossed with the packing materials as I was unpacking. 

Needless to say Tarzan isn't very happy with me.  In fact he's getting madder by the hour.  If I don't find it I won't be getting another ring for many years.

I'm here in Illinois! Pictures in post below

I am finally living with Tarzan and my 3 kitties in Illinois!  There was a lot of drama to get here, but that is now over and we are settling in.  Remember the picture of the house a few posts back?  Well that's not the house we are in....as I said...a bit or rather a lot of DRAMA.  To make a long story short -that house didn't work out because the owner's lawyer son was a nutjob. We walked away from that house the day after Tarzan signed the lease, got the key and checked out of the hotel....yes I couldn't believe it either.  Then T was on the hunt to find us a new house....found one down the road...brand new, builder couldn't sell it, so was going to rent it to us.  Then he started treating us like we were trailer trash, said he could come over and inspect the property anytime, demanded a $2000 deposit for the cats, which turned out not to be a deposit, but a non-refundable fee.  Anyway we walked away from that house too.  2.5 weeks ago we didn't have a house, yet we needed to be out of our house in MI because the German family was moving in on Sept. 1st. We put all of our boxes in storage and were about to call the movers to move our furniture to storage the next day. The cats and I were going to go live with my mom temporarily until Tarzan found us a house.  Well destiny intervened.

Tarzan sat down on a Sunday night at 6pm and got on the computer for a few minutes. I was hounding him to keep working because it was "only 6pm"..haha.  Well he found this house that seemed incredible, was on the phone for 45 minutes with the guy, had such a good feeling about the house that he filled out the application and negotiated the lease that evening. I went to Kroger and faxed it at 8:30 that night. Tarzan drove all night to get back to Chicago to meet the guy and see the house. It was perfect, he signed the lease and got the key right then and there.  Now for those of you who have been reading my blog for 4 years now understand that my husband doesn't make fast decisions. Well apparently when push comes to shove he can make them really fast! We have a house and it's wonderful. However we are eating on paper plates because all of our boxes are still in storage. We are going back to MI this weekend to get a Uhaul and get all of the boxes. 

Kitties and I drove out on Sunday to IL and they did so great in the car. I was so proud of them for behaving and relaxing; I guess they finally trust me enough - lol.

Pictures in below post.

Pictures of new house

Here are some pictures of our new house. I haven't taken a picture of the outside yet, will do soon.  I also need to put up a few valances here and there - too many white blinds for me.  I love the hardwood floors on the entire first floor, the finished basement, and the view from the deck!

View from deck in backyard

Basement exercise equipment. 1 Room blocked off from cats.

Basement. Can you see Pachi's glowing eyes on the staircase? Rascal is walking into bathroom

Deck. Not as cool as the new deck we put on our house in MI for the Germans to enjoy, but hey it's a deck with a great view!

Dining Room. Furniture not arranged yet.

View of family room from above

Foyer

Guest Bedroom #1 with Tony's clothes on the bed

Guest Bedroom #2

Hallway to laundry room

Hallway from other direction

Kitchen and nook

Kitchen and nook

Kitchen, nook and family room

Living Room with too much furniture. Some will go into 4th bedroom to be a man cave for Tarzan.

Fireplace

Master Bathroom. I love the colors!

Master Bathroom again

Shower in Master Bathroom

Master Bedroom. Our comforter doesn't look too bad!

Master Bedroom

Master Bedroom

Hall to basement. Pachi likes to sleep in the stairway landing.

Rascal on the stairway to basement

Foyer into family room

Zoomed view from deck

Sunset from deck

Basement.



Will blog again someday

Just too busy packing to do so now.  Moving truck comes this weekend, but I'll be here in Michigan until probably the 30th.  Catch you all up as soon as I can!

Thank God that I am a Project Manager and a damn good one

Because otherwise this move just wouldn't happen.  Let's just say it is beyond evident that I have moved a dozen times in my life and Tarzan has moved twice.  Tarzan wants to schedule the truck when he hasn't even packed all of his crap.  Which means I'll end up having to pack up the garage. He at least made a little headway on his junk room this weekend. I also feel like I'm going to have to make sure all of the little things get done before the Germans move in - i.e. have garage door opener installed, remove bees nest from outdoor light, replace light bulbs in outdoor lights, touch up paint in house, clean out dead flies from kitchen light, clean house, repair drywall in bathroom, type up instructions on how to operate the water filter, get smaller dryer tube, clean behind dryer, WD40 all door hinges, scrub film that Tarzan never removed off of front door handle, arrange for a dumpster.  Tarzan did manage to contract the deck.  Suffice it to say I can multi-task and he cannot.  I'm just a little stressed, but this will all get done because I'll make sure it does. 

It appears

that we have leased our house out to a Volkswagen ex-pat family from Germany for 3 years!!  As long as Tarzan doesn't freak out and change his mind, looks like we have to empty out this entire house before September 1st.  I've already enlisted my nephew Reed for help translating between German and English. I had him send me a text in German that said "Hi my name is Reed, I'm Kelly's nephew and I'll be happy to help you with whatever you need".  When the couple was here yesterday for the second time this week I showed them the text. They were very happy to see that since their English isn't great.  The other good news is that we have to build a deck, so if we move back here in 3 years I'll finally be able to sit out in our back yard on a flippin deck!  Of course our new house to be in IL already has a deck.

Stay tuned. Tarzan is supposed to be reviewing the lease.

Whew! No cancer!

Just got back from the second mammogram.  I had to wait 20 minutes for the radiologist to read the films and let me know if I needed a biopsy or not.  Then an adorable, cheery, blonde, young woman called my name and said "Mrs. Agostinelli, you are good to go". I let out a loud "Woohoo" in the waiting room and several women smiled and laughed.  I walked out with the young woman and told her that now I can move to IL with my husband. She was so nice. She explained that the radiologist said the calcifications are benign and I don't have to come back for another mammogram for another year. I'm still going to talk to my doctor once she gets the results to ask her what she thinks, but at least for now I'm in the clear. I started crying once I got into the dressing room to get dressed from sheer relief.  Thank you God for answering this prayer! 

Now I feel comfortable showing you all a picture of our new rental house-to-be in Hampshire, IL.  808 Bailey Lane if you want to come and visit!  I don't know yet when we get to move in, but my guess is early August. I'll keep you all posted.

Great 4th of July, but then a difficult week

This post is in bullets and pictures.

• Had a great time with Tarzan in Chicago for 4 days over the 4th of July. Went to Lake Geneva, WI and just had a nice time together. We worked on our fractured awesome marriage - LOL.
• I left knowing my cat Guido had taken another downturn in health. He spent 4 days at my friend Anne's house and had to go to the vet for emergency care on Sunday July 3rd at 9pm and again on July 4th. My vet Dr. Steep is awesome for providing care for Guido over the holiday weekend. Bloodwork results on Thursday show he has liver disease. We are on a quest to get him well. The vet thinks we caught it in time and he is not in liver failure yet. He's on several medications including me giving him subcutaneous fluids at home. He is doing much better and I am hopeful he will survive.
• We are holding a garage sale at Anne's house this weekend as a fundraiser for Guido's vet bill - lol.
• My step-mom had a heart attack on Wednesday while at work in Cleveland. Fortunately she got to the hospital in time to be stabilized. She had a triple bypass yesterday and is doing as well as can be expected after open heart surgery. Hopefully she is on the road to recovery.
• I got a call back on my mammogram and have to go back on Wednesday for a second mammo and possible ultrasound. I'm trying not to worry, but certainly fearful that I have breast cancer. I have told Tarzan, but am not expressing my concern so he doesn't worry too much.
• Tarzan decided that he doesn't want to just quit his job and come home as I suggested. He won't be vested with Siemens until November, so no sense in throwing all of that 401k money away.
• He found a house for us to rent in Illinois in a tiny "village" among the cornfields called Hampshire. It's 1 hour northwest of Chicago. It's a big house - 3000 square feet. We drove by it last weekend when I was there, but we didn't know the exact house. They were all nice. I didn't really think we needed a big house like that, but we got a total deal on it. Plus Tarzan decided he didn't want to live in a condo. It's fully furnished, has a huge deck for me to sip coffee in the mornings and wine in the evenings, and is only 10 miles down the country roads to his office. It has plenty of room for guests in case our friends and family want to visit us. The village has a drug store, a veterinarian, and even a Catholic church, but not much else. It has plenty of cornfields - I'm not lying. I just hope that I do not have breast cancer because if I do it's going to ruin our plans. I won't be going to IL if I have that terrible disease.
• I have not yet sent an email to Rebecca. I just don't have the energy. I'll do it eventually.
• Here are a few pictures for my peeps who are not on Facebook.

Lake Geneva, WI

Lake Michigan

Lake Michigan, north of Chicago

Tarzan eating peanuts

Lake Michigan

Me in Evantson, IL with awesome view of Lake Michigan

Smile, say cheese!

Zoomed in view of downtown Chicago

Tarzan with a stick that he was using to landscape the tree in the background.

Seagulls hanging out in Lake Michigan

The Story

I am still seething with anger, but I will try to get this down on paper so you can all help me craft my response to "R". First of all I knew something was up last Monday when she didn’t respond to my text. Then she didn’t respond to my text on Tuesday or my email on Wednesday. I knew it was just a matter of time before we got some type of communication from her with some concerns.  However I was not expecting the email content she actually sent.

Tarzan has already responded to her in a very matter of fact, friendly, unemotional way. He doesn’t want me to write to her at all, he wants me to just delete her from Facebook and forget she ever existed. I just talked to him 5 minutes ago and he says he has already forgotten about her. Those of you, who know me well, know that I cannot do that.  However I’m smart enough to know that I cannot write to her now. I think several more days will need to go by before my anger level will subside enough that I can send her an email that may actually help her grow and learn from this experience.  I think people come into your life for a reason, and I think we came into her life for a reason very different from what she currently thinks.  Below is the email she sent to us, but in summary she thinks we have a bad marriage.  LOL that is certainly news to Tarzan and I.  Okay read her email and then I’ll continue with additional thoughts below. 

Soapchick and Tarzan,

For the past 2 weeks I have been thinking about our journey. I have very much enjoyed spending time with both of you and getting to know you. As I've gotten to know you better, I have also gotten a look into your lives. After my visit to Chicago, a concern that had been growing for some time became impossible to ignore. I watched and listened to how you interact, and I listened to your future plans. After I left, something kept nagging at me, and after much thought and discussion with Paul, I finally put a finger on it. You are two separate people living separate lives. I feel that the one and a half years you have spent apart has been detrimental to your marriage and relationship. Do you think that your relationship will last the rest of your lives?

It seems that the only thing bringing the two of you together is having a baby. It appears that your relationship is not enough to make the sacrifice to move to be together. And, sadly, babies don't automatically bring a better relationship in a marriage....they have the potential to make things so much worse. We do and say things that we never thought we would do when we are over tired and over stressed. Being over tired and over stressed is basically the first year of having a baby. My point in saying this is, I think your marriage might have a difficult time making it through intact. Especially when it is already fractured through having a lengthy long distance relationship.

I think that we should take a step back. I think that the two of you need to focus on getting back together and nurturing your marriage. As hard as this is for me to say, this is my termination letter. I have sent this letter to your lawyer per Simi's instruction. If I understand what Simi said correctly, our agreement will be terminated 2 months after our last insemination.
If you would like for me to get a Beta drawn to prove I am not pregnant, I am more than happy to do so. I'll do it tomorrow if you request it.

R

Now for some background information and my rebuttal:  First of all yes the argument we had in the car as we were lost and stuck in Chicago traffic getting her to the airport was unfortunate. It was embarrassing, I was mad at Tarzan for getting mad at me in front of her. It did not make a good impression, especially on someone who doesn’t know you all that well.  However that little style of argument happens about 3 times per year between us, whether we live together or are living mostly apart as we are now. If that means we have a fractured marriage well then I guess according to her definition we do. However in our book it was a minor argument and we moved on 5 minutes later.  The rest of the time that we had with R went great as far as we knew. Not sure if she expected us to be displaying all sorts of PDA in front of her or what.  Apparently she thinks the 16 hours she spent with us in Chicago gives her the insight, intuition and authority to act as a marriage counselor and she has concluded that we could not handle a baby and are headed for divorce court.

Secondly, her assumptions regarding our 18 month commuter marriage situation is way off base. She clearly has forgotten, or has chosen to disregard how, what and why has transpired. Tarzan was laid off for 9 months when the automotive industry crashed, in a state devastated more than any other by the downturn in the economy. There was even a 32 day period when we were both unemployed. Tarzan took the job in Chicago because he didn’t have a choice.  However when he took the job it was with the understanding that it would be temporary, that he would work there for 9-12 months and then would try to transfer back with Siemens, or by the economy would improve enough for him to find a job back in Michigan.  It wasn’t until 9 months ago when we decided to pursue surrogacy, that we seriously considered a move to Chicago.  It was also only because we finally determined that we cannot do compensated surrogacy in the State of Michigan.  Granted it has taken longer than I thought it would to move there. Tarzan is slow to make decisions, but I understand his hesitation because I know him. We’ve spent more than $50k on failed fertility treatments, we were about to spend $40-$50k of our savings on surrogacy, we have a $450,000 house that will sell for $350k if we are lucky.  On top of all of that Tarzan doesn’t really like his job. He was having difficulty deciding between renting or buying in Chicago.  However more than a month ago we put the house up for sale by owner and for executive lease. We’ve had at least 8 showings during that time, and I was going out to Chicago this coming 4 day weekend to look at some houses.  Yes I will admit it has moved slower than I like, but it’s not been 18 months of indecision. Plans changed half way through that time due to surrogacy.

Her assertion that the only thing bringing us together is a baby is way off.  I actually laughed when I read that. Actually it is the opposite; a baby is the only thing keeping us apart. Had we decided not to pursue surrogacy, he would have moved back to Michigan last November when he had the opportunity. He turned down 2 job opps because we had to move to IL to do surrogacy.

If we didn’t have a strong marriage and had the “fractured” marriage she thinks we have, it would have crumbled 3, 2 and 1 year ago.

• It would have crumbled after our 2^nd failed IVF 3 years ago; it didn’t.
• It would have crumbled after our devastating donor egg IVF failure – what we thought was a sure thing, the holy grail of infertility treatments; it didn’t.
• It would have failed 14 months ago when we went to our 3^rd RE, I had endometriosis surgery, and then we got a diagnosis of high FSH; it didn’t.
• It would have failed 10 months ago we got the call, as we were driving to the RE for our transfer that our last frozen embryo had died during the thaw; it didn’t. 
• If we had a bad marriage, it wouldn’t have survived the last 18 months of a commuter marriage; it didn’t.
• We’ve been through more shit than most 5 year marriages have and we are closer because of it.

She is looking at our marriage through the lens that she has lived her own life. She got married at age 22 and had kids right away; her husband is even a year younger than she. She is 29, he is 28 and clearly they think they know everything.  She’s never lived as an independent adult, had her own friends, hobbies, etc, as Tarzan and I have. We met when we were 34 and 36. We were fully functioning, independent, fulfilled adults with full-time professional jobs/careers, our own circle of friends, many interests, and hobbies. When we got married much of that didn’t change. We are still independent, have our own friends, have some new couple friends, but still have our own hobbies and interests, as well as many we share together.  We also both grew up in families where we were taught that sometimes sacrifice is necessary in the pursuit of long-term goals.  All of that has given us the strength and resilience to handle the last 18 months a helluva lot better than most couples would.  She thinks we are living separate lives. Does she know that we talk twice a day; morning to share our plans for the day, and then at night to recap how our days went?  Does she know that even if we lived together I’d still have my girlfriends that I’d go out with, I’d still be cat-crazy, he’d still be sports crazy and the only difference is that we’d be eating dinner together and sleeping in the same bed 7 nights a week instead of 2-3? 

What bothers me most is not necessarily that she formed this judgment of us in her head; it’s that she didn’t talk to us about it. If we had a good match, then she would have discussed her concerns with us in a conversation – not in a termination email CCing our lawyer! She’s 29 and thinks she knows everything. She thinks she is an expert on marriage, and our marriage in particular! I so want to tell her that I would love to talk to her in 13 years when she is the age I am now and see what she thinks then? When life has thrown her a few more curve balls and she’s had to make tough decisions. I know that when I was 29 I was much more judgmental than I am now.  Thankfully I learned a lot in my 30s. I can only hope the same for her.

I also want to answer her question about whether our marriage will last the rest of our lives. I want to tell her that hell yeah it will survive! If it’s survived the bull shit we’ve been through with infertility it can survive anything. I will also tell her that I will be sending a card to HER on OUR 10^th, 15^th and 20^th anniversaries to remind her that we are still happily married.

When we were in Chicago she asked me if I wished it had worked out with A, the other surrogate that I really liked (more like was totally in love with)? I lied and told her something like “only if I could have had 2 kids, but that I was happy it didn’t work out because I liked her so much” (meaning R).  I can tell you that hands down the answer is yes. A would have never pulled what R has pulled this week and last. A would have addressed her concerns in a phone call or skype.  A and I just connected in a way that R and I never did. The good news is that I am still very much friends with A and although she will never be our surrogate, she’s been of great support to me over the past few days.  However I tried because I did like R and I figured if Tarzan was happy with her, then I could be too.  I thought she was easy going and that we could make it work. Tarzan has admitted to me that after our trip to Dallas he had some major reservations about R but that he was going along with it to make me happy. 

At the end of the day R did us a favor by terminating before she got pregnant. Can you imagine if she had pulled shit like that after she was already pregnant?  Unfortunately it cost us a lot of money.  Much to my surprise Tarzan isn’t even that upset about the money. I’m the one who is pissed off to high heaven about it.  $7000 down the drain. Oh well. I guess that goes to show that each of us is rubbing off on the other.  Tarzan is relaxing about money and I am hoarding it. LOL!  However we did just get another bill today from our lawyer and he is mad about that. He told me not to pay it and he will be calling her office tomorrow to discuss it.

If anyone wants to help me craft an appropriate response to R, please feel free. I cannot have closure without telling her how skewed her judgment is. If she is going to judge us, I want her to have all of the pertinent information with which to do so. If nothing else comes out of this, I want her to go forward with a new perspective and perhaps think a little differently the next time she goes to judge someone and thinks she knows what is going on in their lives and how they should live it. I want her to look back 10 years from now and realize what an idiot she was at age 29.

I have a new appreciation for IPs who want to have a business-only relationship with their surrogates. They’ve probably been through the wringer like we have, and just don’t want to deal with trying to have a close relationship with someone.  We are completely done though. No more emotion, hope, time or money is going to be spent chasing a baby. We will re-adjust our life dreams and go on from here.  We won’t have to save money for college educations, or pay $100k for our daughter’s fancy Italian wedding. We’ll be well off in our retirement. We’ll be able to travel and do whatever we want. We’ll be able to focus on being a better aunt, uncle, daughter, son, sister, brother, friend, husband and wife. 

Thank you all for your compassion and love over the past 4 years. I’ll keep this blog going, but it will just be my private area to talk about whatever random thing is going on in my life. My public blog is becoming the cat blog because now that I won’t be having human children, I’ll probably become even nuttier in love with my felines.

I'll write more soon

but for now I just want to say that my husband Tarzan Antonio Agostinelli totally rocks!! I love him to pieces and I have no doubt that we will have an amazing life in our family of 2 + 3 cats (hopefully more someday - LOL!).

Also my cats Pachi and Guido were totally in tune with me today as I took a sick day from work.  Pachi laid on my chest this morning and she never does that. Guido and I took a 2 hour nap in bed and he kissed my nose and gently touched my face with his paws.  I think I like cats better than babies anyway.