Sad but Snarky

Hello blog friends. How are you?  Yes it's been 4 months since my last post, and by now I'm sure I've lost even my last 3 readers. I felt the need to write tonight because my heart is so incredibly sad over the loss of my fellow blog friend Nancy Leisher from TheNewLifeofNancy. I just cannot believe that her life has been cut so short and her 3 adorable children will grow up without her as their mother.  The irony of life just kills me sometimes I feel sad that neither she nor I blogged much in the last couple of years. She last emailed me in December, and I finally got around to responding to her in February. Of course I was dealing with my mom's health scare, and kept putting off writing to her. I never heard back from her, and now I could kick myself for not responding to her in December. . I just visited her blog a few days ago - in fact it may actually have been on Monday July 2nd when she passed away. She died of a blood clot.

Nancy was one of the first people to comment on my blog when I started writing in 2007. At the time I didn't realize that my blog had shown up on Lost & Found as a new blog, so I was wondering how she found me.  She was so supportive of me over the years as I was trying every IF treatment under the sun.  I will remember her friendship always. She was the most kind-hearted bad ass that I've ever known. She had the guts to say what a lot of us in blogland wanted to say, but were too polite. However she always explained her reasoning behind her opinions, and she was one of the all time most intelligent people I've ever come across. I felt connected to her because we were both IT professionals. She would have been awesome to work with on a professional basis; I would just sit back and be mesmerized by her intelligence.  I wish I had been able to meet her in person, we would have had a great time - me in my goody two shoes get up and her in her kick-ass tattoos. Makes me want to run out and get a tattoo. I just told Tarzan that and he rolled his eyes.

Nancy had a heart of gold and she fought so hard to have her 3 beautiful children. Cycle after cycle, when most of us would have given up long before.  That is what is so hard to understand - that her 3 small, incredibly desired children won't have her to raise them.  Life is so freakin unfair! Gah!!! I'm thankful that she graced my life albeit virtually and from afar. She was one in a trillion and she touched many lives in her short time on this earth. I do hope that I see her again someday - please let there be an afterlife.  I'm grateful that I will be able to go back and read her blog posts. Makes me wonder if I should make this blog public again.  If I died tomorrow, no one would ever see this blog since it is private, but at the same time there is a lot on here that I don't want the public to see. Maybe I need to finally make that book, just so this will exist in a paper format.

Now let me explain the "snarky" in the title. Of course Nancy was the queen of snarky, and I'm not sure if she would approve of my actions this week, but I do.  I got a friend request on Tuesday from "R", the surrogate who ripped our hearts out a year ago.   There was no note accompanying the friend request, just a button for me to confirm or ignore. I about fell out of my chair when I saw it.  I showed Tony and he couldn't believe it either. I immediately hit ignore, so that I didn't have to see her picture staring at me.  Well later in the day I went to look at her page which I haven't done so since last July.  She had a lot of her recent activity locked down to just her friends, but some of her older photos were public.  Well low and behold there was an ultrasound picture from November 2011 when she was 22 weeks pregnant. I again about fell out of my chair wondering if she stole our baby. Well once I got out the pregnancy due date calculator I realized that if it had been our baby, it would have been born in February.  Some additional web sleuthing led me to her baby girl's birth date of March 14, 2012.  Whew, it wasn't our baby, but she got pregnant the very next cycle after she dumped us.  I then deleted her friend request and was just going to go on with my life. Well then today just minutes after I got the news of Nancy's death,, she sends me another friend request.  Part of me wondered if I should accept it....you know the whole "life is short", "let bygones be bygones"....but I just couldn't do it. I've come too far in the past year to let go of the hurt she did to us, and especially to me.  There isn't a single cell in my body that wants to go back to that time in my life, nor to have her back in my life.  I realize that forgiveness is ultimately for the benefit of myself, but I am not yet there. She hurt me deeply, and I will never forget it. I ended up sending her a private FB message saying that I had received her friend request but that I was going to pass at this time. I told her that if she has anything to say to Tarzan or I that she could email us, and then I wished her family well.  As far as I'm concerned, if she wants to apologize to us she can send us an email.  Well apparently she doesn't because just a little while ago, she must have gotten really pissed because she deleted her friend request and blocked me. I'm sorry if she was offended, but seriously did she really think I'd want to be her FB friend after what she did to us?

Update on last 4 months

Hello!  Those of you who don't know me on Facebook or in real life may have thought I fell off the face of the earth.  No I'm still living and breathing, but I haven't felt much like blogging and life is just now getting back to normal.  I will fill you all in!

• On November 22nd my sister called to tell me that my mom very nonchalantly told her the night before that she was going to the doctor the next day because she hadn't been feeling well, and that it could be heart problems.
• The doctor did an EKG and determined that my mom needed to go to the ER. My sister took her and my mom called me as they were driving to the hospital. I told my mom to be strong and that everything would be okay. My mom was admitted.
• November 23rd I drove the 7 hours from Illinois straight to the hospital and half way through the drive my sister called to say mom's heart cath showed major blockages. Mom was scheduled for emergency open heart surgery for Thanksgiving day. She was so serious they couldn't wait until Friday.
• November 24th THANKSGIVING DAY - My mom had a nearly 7 hour surgery to repair her mitral valve and to bypass 4 arteries, 2 of which were 99% blocked.  Yes it is a miracle that my mom was alive.  Kerry and I enjoyed the hospital cafeteria's Turkey dinner! 
• I stayed in Michigan with my mom as she recovered from her major surgery.  I worked part time in early December and then was off for 2 weeks vacation during Christmas.
• January 3rd - I took mom into the ER because she couldn't breathe. She was diagnosed with congestive heart failure, and the next day with multiple blood clots in both lungs and both legs. She was on complete bed rest for 8 days.  
• I then went on a leave of absence from work because it was very clear that I couldn't split my time between my mom and work. My mom needed me.
• After that lengthy hospital stay she had to have her lung drained again because it was still filling up with fluid.
• Finally in early February she started turning the corner and began feeling better. Woohoo mom! 
• February 15th - I finally got to go home after nearly 3 months in Michigan. It was a long time away from Tony, but I'm so grateful that work allowed me the time off to take care of my mom. She means the world to me and I could never have left her or put her into rehab to recover.  
• Mom is now doing great and is in her 3rd week of cardiac rehab. She has lost 45 pounds as well and is eating healthy!  
• I'm settling back into work and into life with Tarzan back in Chicago. The kitties were with me for part of the time in MI as well, so they are also settling back into our normal routine.  It is very nice to be back together with my hubby after spending so much time apart in the last 2.5 years. I hope we are done with that for awhile.
•  Alison, the surrogate who we didn't choose (Tarzan's fault lol) is 6 months pregnant with a baby for another couple. Although I'm mostly over the not having a baby thing, it is still bittersweet knowing she would have been an awesome surrogate for us.
• Another surrogate we didn't choose (Kellie) apparently ended up choosing a really bad Intended Mother who lied to her about being married, her age, and a bunch of other stuff. Well that surrogate, who is having the baby any day now, decided NOT to give the baby to that woman and is adopting it out to another couple. Wowsa, and I thought being dumped by our loser surrogate was bad. Heck at least there wasn't a baby already. I do believe Kellie's side of the story, but I feel very bad for the IM whether she lied or not. That would totally suck.
• I still have a lot of anger, bitterness and yes downright hatred toward our evil surrogate (don't want to even say her name).  I don't let it ruin my day or keep me depressed, but it is still there down deep.
• I'm getting more involved in animal rescue and that makes me happy. I guess it's my way of using my maternal instinct.
• It will always hurt to hear about other people being pregnant, but I think it's more about my "perceived failure" and envy that someone else "achieved" something that I didn't "get to" rather than any real desire to have a baby.  If I honestly think about it, I would rather have a 12 year old than a baby (and no Tarzan won't adopt so don't even suggest it).  I think the not really wanting a baby anymore has to do more with my age than anything else. I guess I've faced that I'm moving on to a different phase in my life and it is what it is.  The failure on my part to become a mother is something I will get over eventually.  I'm a competitive person, but competing with other people for "achieved life dreams" is not very realistic or healthy now is it? I am very grateful for everything else I have in my life - my health, my husband, my parents, sister, nieces/nephews, friends, a job, a nice house, my kitties, etc. 
• I cannot promise I'll blog much - It just doesn't appeal to me much anymore.