you're on your own, my little nightmare. you cannot stay here.

wow ok so I was like, I'm gonna post more woo! and then fell off the planet. in my defense, I got covid. YAY! I'm guessing we got it on Thanksgiving from my sister's in laws. rotten fucking luck. my sister was sick before me by about a week. but we spent the entirety of december grossly sick. if you want details, I'll let you know which symptoms I got versus my sister, but I'm not going in to details here because I just don't want to relive it yet.

I do have one current lingering symptom, but my sister had it last week, so it should go away soon. I have some severe neck pain that makes it painful to hold my head up and almost impossible to sleep. woot again.

I got some great news today though! I got a job! It's something I applied to in early November. I also had my first interview with them while deep in the throes of my covid. It was horrendous. I had to take a shower and then take a nap for two hours, then eat like, one piece of toast and drink two water bottles. good thing I guess is that I had no energy for pretense and I just talked to them like I would my best friend or sister. they called me again the next week for a follow up phone interview and I heard today from HR that I got the job. it's an office coordinator position at a satellite health campus from a major university here. I am beyond excited. I have been unemployed since October of 2019. it's been hell honestly.

now if we can get my sister a job, then we'll be set.

since I was sick for all of december, I honestly have nothing to talk about lol. I was disinvited from christmas so I didn't see my family. and in fact, had a bit of a falling out with them because of how they treated me over christmas and covid. I'm trying to make an effort with my other sister and her family, but it's gonna take some time and she's gonna have to make more of an effort than she is currently before I try anymore.

I have two fest fics to write. One is due in like two days. I have it half written, but I'm still so very tired and writing is even more tiring than just watching tv lol.

my sister has been watching stargate. idk why. we're on the season where they spun off SGA, but like. I hate every character on SGA. I am barely tolerating the stargate characters. everyone is insufferable. except jonas quinn. but he's gone now. :(

we also have two or three episodes of schitt's creek left and I'm delaying the watching of it because I'll miss it and I'll probably ugly cry lol.

we are currently watching the untamed because I missed lan zhan something fierce. but I think we're only doing the current timeline and not going back in time.

like soundandvision said while live texting me her rewatch reactions: have you ever time traveled to avoid your crush????

I hope y'all had a good holiday. I'll definitely be back more regularly now since I'm feeling like an actual person.

yay two wins for stevie in the new year.

i have written nothing. sigh. i have been on my computer most of the day doing literally nothing.

i am supposed to have the second check in today. i think part of my problem is my sister sitting next to me and i have a hard time writing when someone else is in the room. i mean. i could go to my room, right, but that's so much work and i don't have a tv in there. or spotify premium anymore lol.

anyway. when i first made this blog back in the day, my lj was earlofcardigans. i think it still is if it's up and i just wanted a blog with my dang name. i couldn't get it anywhere. now it looks like an rp blog for schitt's creek. which. i mean, it's not far off. every time i take a 'which schitt's creek character are you?' quiz, i'm stevie.

i was thinking of changing my twitter name and if i do, i'll probably match this to it.

in other news. there is no news.

i need to read a book.

i have to read this book for class about developmental stages of faith and it's okay, but also boring. it's better than the utter crap book i had to read for my last class.

i'm in grad school for mental health counseling. i hate the program i'm in. i think the university i'm attending just sort of threw this together and didn't put much thought into the entire program. it was supposed to be hybrid online/campus, but then covid and now all online so they were like fuck it, we don't care. and i want to switch to a different university, but i have to take the GRE and i'm not sure when i'll get to do that in a safe enough setting so i'm toughing out this program for next semester and i'll reassess after may,

i guess. it's frustrating to feel like an afterthought at a very prestigious and expensive university.

i did make a 100 on my first mock counseling interview though so woot.

ok back to reading a damn book. i think i'm waiting until soundandvision is finished with her first untamed watch and we are reading it together. then i'll try to read a book.

i just feel very adrift. i love bts and kpop and it's fun on twitter sometimes, but it's also overwhelming.

and i'm glad my sister and bff both like mdzs as much as me so i have that, but like, i need other regular interactions.

i need to find meaning in things on my own somehow. and i think i should read.

i used to be able to read a book a week, but my depression fog had me not concentrating on anything more than two minutes at a time. it's been a little better recently. i mean, i actively want to do shit so lol. ok time to sleep.

hope y'all have a good night. if you have book recs or know where i can get icons of min yoongi's sweet face, please leave a comment.

-i am both glad to have meds and hate that i have to take them daily
-we have so much tv to watch and haven't been doing so
-behind on everything except christmas movies
-i want to read something that i haven't found has been created yet
-will continue looking for it
-if i don't do my nails soon i'll end up probably biting them all off again
-it's probably too much to wear my galaxy dress to the grocery store
-but i haven't worn real or nice or really nice clothes in so long
-if it weren't for sports bras i wouldn't even be wearing one of those
-it's supposed to be 70F here today
-the weather is crap
-i'd like a job
-there aren't any to be had around here
-it's starting to get really depressing
-going to make cookies and a veggie tray with my nephew for santa and the reindeer
-he's already questioning all of santa's logistics
-we're going to have ten people and a dog in the house for christmas eve
-and also try to 'help santa' assemble gifts
-i'm not looking forward to that train wreck
-my mom got pillows with santa's face on them
-they are scarily real
-and make mema laugh
-i need new face wash
-this list is long
-i'm hungry

random update time while i watch the penguins and the flyers and whatever happens here? sure why not.

• gotta try to trade my car for something with a lower payment. i apparently have expensive taste though.
• going to see my sister tomorrow.
• have about two too many grandmothers in the house right now for my sanity.
• broke my thumbnail or otherwise would have a perfect manicure right now.
• painted our walls blue.
• went to the doctor yesterday and got new RA meds and something for migraines and i already feel better because basically my health was so far down the tubes that i didn't know if i was going to make it out of bed. it was a daily struggle.
• signed up for yuletide.
• our internet was borked though so i never got back here to write a letter and now i honestly just don't want to even try.
• talked danielle into writing me a mail order bride raleigh/chuck au. woo.
• have had increasingly weird dreams about hockey players/dog owners/family members/one direction. the usual.
• my dad is still sick. like it's a day to day sort of illness that usually finds him too tired to move.
• i honestly have no idea what else i was going to say. i had a whole list in my head but like, i'm tired and i have shit to read and write and beta and i just want to eat, take some meds and go to bed. i'm not actually depressed right now or anything. i think i've just reached my people limit and need to be anywhere but where i am currently.

so I skipped all of August, but like. August sucked, yo.

my dad was in the hospital for two weeks, he got home and still wasn't well, then I immediately went to my grandmother's because she had double knee replacement and needed someone to stay with her. I was there for two weeks. FINALLY LEFT THAT HELLHOLE OMG. My grandmother doesn't believe in things like air conditioning and ice cream and fluffy towels. I don't know how we are related honestly.

then I came home to find that my dad sold some land and got some money and now we are redoing the house. again. mom got a sectional for our room and can lights and it's great. and daddy decided to get the floors redone and that's shit and paint. and that's shit.

because the floors are inconvenient and I have to do the painting. :(

my sister went to college. she moved into her dorm and everything and left me here with our parents and her psycho dog.

well maybe he's not that crazy. he's just lonely now. poor bb.

my other sister enrolled her children in online public school. I think it's working. idk. they are so weird right now.

and Tana. holy shit Tana is a mess. she's getting divorced and got a boyfriend and decided to move in with him and it's all just fucking ridiculous.

I don't like her boyfriend, I don't like her decisions, I don't like her attitude, but I haven't said anything beyond 'make sure you take some of that money from the sale of your house and put it back in case this doesn't work out for you.'

I've seen her once in the past month. and I had to go to her. I'm kind of over it. I'm her best friend when it's convenient? or when she needs some sort of free armchair psychiatrist help? or she's bored? I'm not here for that. we've been friends for six years and this is the first time I've felt like she's deliberately cutting me out of things.

I've had polish on my nails consistently for three weeks. they are now getting too long for me to function. as a compulsive nail biter, the fact that some of them have grown over the tips of my fingers is weird.

let's see. I got new glasses. I got snapchat. I got tickets to a Blackhawks game. I got vertigo. (which sucks hardcore.) I got new dresses. I got a dell tablet. I got my room back. I got a cake because I wanted a white cake and I looked cute and decided it was my 'because I'm fucking awesome' cake. I got Generation Kill on DVD. I got a snowcone today.

I still haven't seen the new Star Trek. But I did get to see Pacific Rim. so there's that.

I'm getting my hair colored on Friday. and my mom let me order purple cheetah print leggings.

I could do the rundown of all the places I am? I guess I will. Since I rarely post pictures here anymore. I'm probably going to have to stop doing it on tumblr since I keep getting this once creepy fat fetishist guy always commenting on how chubby and pretty I am. Look, dude. I'm fat. I passed chubby when I was twelve and I don't need your comments on anything. Quit being weird. ugh.

welp. on that note. :D

time to go eat some cake and read some fic and convince mema it's time to go to bed.

-mema is not doing well. she had to go to the ER on friday because we thought she was having a kidney problem. turns out she was, once again, (EVERYONE NOW) dehydrated. but also she has to have an MRI on wednesday because she quite possibly messed up her back when she fell.

she's also not sleeping. there are three of us, but my sister is about to start school, so. we're up mostly when she's up and monitoring her when we're all lying down.

-fandom_stocking went live today so that's fun. i wrote four things of varying length and fandom, and when my be_compromised exchange is revealed tomorrow, i'll gather everything up into a convenient link spree.

-had a vanilla coke tonight. haven't been to sonic in forever. i'm sure i've been to this one since it had partially burned, but i can't remember. yeesh. anyway. it was soooo good that i wonder why i don't always get them. oh right. because mcdonald's sweet tea is better and only a dollar at any time of day.

-you ever watch captain america and wonder after steve gets all serumed up and buff and starts running after that guy that's a dwarf with his manpris and fake hobbit feet down the road that steve has no idea how to run properly and he can't corner for shit and it's super adorable and heartbreaking like everything steve rogers is because that means steve's never even TRIED to take a corner at a full out run and maybe he's sat around thinking about running but always on a straightaway or something and then when he jumps in the water you just KNOW he's never been swimming because he'd drown omg?

anyone else? just me then?



-thank you for answering my poll about werewooves. :D my mother can't say the L in wolf and i was wonder if that was just her, just her accent, if y'all knew of anyone else that said that. thought i'd ask so i could take it back to her and be like LOOK YOU FAIL AT LANGUAGE. ENUNCIATE, WOMAN.

Wow okay. I complained about Christmas and then left lol. Typical.

Our internet expired very early last month because my sister, the genius, decided to play her Pandora Christmas station for three days and use it up even before the 20th.

Speaking of that, our electricity went out very early that morning and stayed out for about eighteen hours. It was a grand time. And my sister, the genius's, birthday.

Mema fell that night. Not because no electricity. Just because she fell. We still aren't sure why. The next day we had to take her to the ER and go get my other grandmother from the train station and then I had two grandmothers and my other sister's kids and Christmas and hating everyone and movies and no internet and yeah.

Such is life.

In all that chaos, I did manage to write two Yuletide stories. The first time I've ever participated. I'm glad I did.

Intermediate Interpersonal Relations which is about Shirley and Britta's friendship in Community.

and.

Bar Humbug which is about Faye from Questionable Content being Faye at Christmas.

I also wrote Diamonds on Playing Cards which is basically a Clint/Natasha missing scene for avengersfest. I really like how that turned out.

Especially since I started it several times and one of those restarts gave me my current Clint/Coulson apartment AU that I currently have open so I can get to 10K some time very soon.

I don't know when that will be since I'm also writing a Teen Wolf-shaped thing for eilan.

The only thing that's missing is my Clint/Natasha exchange fic, and that's because the name's haven't been revealed.

Oh! And all the tiny things I wrote for random fandom_stockings.

Let's see. Other news. I've watched Bourne Legacy and Pitch Perfect more times in the past few days than is probably healthy, but what are you gonna do?

I don't make resolutions, those aren't my thing. I also don't really make goals. The fewer goals I set out to achieve, the more I actually get around to doing things and thus surpassing what would have been a goal anyway.

2013 isn't really going to be the year that I get my shit together anyway. It's an odd number, my birthday is going to land me at an age that is numerically displeasing to me, and I don't feel the needs to start changing myself. On further inspection, I never feel that need. So. Yeah.

I am going to find a job because, well job. That's the only thing that NEEDS to happen. ALL CAPS. NEEDS.

I think I'll coast along until 2014 and see how well I do with this year. I didn't do so bad last year. I mean, I didn't have a job except to take care of Mema which is harder work than I'm used to, but it wasn't anything spectacular.

2014 is going to be an even year and I'll be a multiple of five-years old. That's scary.

I think the only thing I'll wish for 2013 is that I'm not always as lonely as I was last year.

And now, back to writing things so I can get these WIPs cleaned out already.

I just watched This Means War. And while I love everyone acting in that movie, the movie itself was terrible. As my sister is fond of saying 'but they looked real good.'

Those were some inspired costumes.

Over the weekend, we watched Haven, Elementary, Once Upon a Time, Constantine, The Town, Inception.

We were busy.

And I have to tell you guys, OUAT is still one of the best shows we watch. I love all the women on that show. Even Cora. I miss August. Like a lot, because August. And also, I think it could benefit from so much more Ruby because her and Snow have that great dynamic and she has to fit in beyond her usefulness as a wolf/diner person, eh. I just wish there were more of her. And Jefferson, but like, he should have a spin off about what he did in Wonderland/who Grace's mom is/his face.

We also watched Starship Troopers. Y'all. Why did we do that? WHY?

Anyway. Can we talk about Joan Watson's wardrobe and how I need all her clothes immediately, please? She is dressed fabulously, handles police, Sherlock, people from her past even more fabulously, and she is serious about her life choices and not taking shit from people. I couldn't love a Watson more than I ever previously did. UGH MORE.

Also, if I don't get some answers on Haven, I'm going to flip out, okay.

Come talk to me about any of this, anything you watch, anything else, idk. I know it's late on a Sunday, but I'll be up a while and up early tomorrow because we're going grocery shopping. And if I don't at least finish this next part of my apartment AU, I think gisforgreen might actually try to maim me.

oh holidays. please be over soon.

this has been a very long road to this monday.

-last weekend my niece had a softball tournament. we got up early, went to it, cheered, took her out for a nice meal afterward. then she gets home, we rest, we go to bed, she gets up around midnight and throws up all over the room. i will spare you the details, but i will say we didn't go to bed until after two, we couldn't sleep in our room, we all had to have baths. yay?

sunday was still tournament time, but we skipped the first game. i skipped the whole thing because i was tired and cold. so cold.

-after all that, we went thanksgiving food shopping, did our early cooking, cooked for thanksgiving, ate a bunch, played all the card games and a few board games, taught everyone how to play uno. skipbo was super boring, but old maid was always a good time.

-then i finished all the laundry, broke the washer, but we bought a new vacuum. and the house still looks really nice.

-i had a job interview before thanksgiving at a staffing agency. they said they were going to call me so i could get an interview at the insurance company, but they never called. i called and emailed. so i'm assuming that i did not get that job. ugh. i could really use a job before december 8th so i can pay my car payment. i hate this.

-i don't know what else has happened honestly. this year, i didn't go to kevin and angela's because thanksgiving was too hectic this time around here and because we're going there this weekend. should be fun.

-now i'm currently watching love actually because i am emotionally obligated to do so whenever it's on, and thinking of writing my next exchange fic. i have an idea so. that's good?

-also i have these unfinished bits that i found in drafts i'm going to put here so i know where they are in the future in case i want to actually write them.

( unfinished )

-okay now i'm going to go write about clint and natasha either being sam and dean or clint and tasha doing weird things. i don't feel well enough in my own head tonight to sort through any of apartment au clint's issues.

-also, i'm hungry.