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[26 Mar 2004|01:51pm] |
testing....
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| ha ha ha: |
[29 Oct 2003|11:47pm] |
so i talked to my mom on the phone earlier today.. about maybe coming up to see her on her birthday.. and whatnot. told her i'd have to see if i could get a ride from madison if i was doing so 'cuz i was gonna be there for all hallow's eve.
.. 10 minutes after we hang up, my phone rings again.
"hello?"
"hey. .. who are you going to madison to see?"
so i tell her.
there's a pause.
"just don't sleep with them, okay?"
okay, seriously. does she think i'm a slut??.. that came out of nowhere for me. .. it kind of disturbs me 'cuz i wouldn't think my mom thought of me like that. ::shrugs::
still amusing.
made my evening.
out.
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| oh yeah: |
[11 Oct 2003|01:57pm] |
and there's more:
this is just me ranting. 'cuz i know i shouldn't hold it against him. 'cuz he regrets. and he knows he would never do it now. but it hurts. hurts so bad.
apparently, in the first 1-2 years of our relationship:
he tried to make me dump him.
he was intentionally mean/horrible to me.
he slept with someone else.
he would tell his friends "oh, that's just some girl that likes to follow me around to parties."
.. all the while, he was telling me he loved me.
making out with me.
and eventually, sleeping with me.
.. and keeping this from me.
he tells me he was a different person then. and maybe i agree. but it hurts. . not only that he did that stuff.. but that everyone knew it but me. i feel used. and i probably was. .. though he tells me that he did love me; he was just a confused, selfish, young kid. ::shrugs::
it sucks for the both of us because just when he realized how much he cared about me. just when he started coming down to see me all the time. just when he wanted to do everything for me.
i lost it.
i lost all feeling for him.
kkkkkkkkarma
.. i guess.
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| fuck: |
[04 Oct 2003|03:31pm] |
motherfucker just called me again. talked for an hour.. or more??
.. i guess i don't really know what to say.
i'm torn.
i feel like i still want to be friends with his best friend.
and i like how i feel when i'm around him.
but doing that would just fuck things up with the boy for the rest of my life.
it's not that i'm planning on getting back together with him.. i just want to still be his friend.
and.. maybe i'm just fooling myself into thinking that's possible.
the net-net:
if i do this now, there is no future for the boy and i.
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| i realize i'm overly dramatic: |
[04 Oct 2003|12:42pm] |
yesterday was weird for me.
the boy called me to reconfirm we won't be talking to each other for a while ('til he gets over me, i guess).
that was fine.
went to see saves the day. i've loved them for years now. this was the 3rd time i've seen them -- and i still loved it. their music's so different now.. but i still can't get over the atmosphere they have. and the happiness that chris resonates.
hung out with stevo afterwards (went to the show with him). we watched fightclub 'cuz that movie is the shit.
he tried to be all close to me.. which kind of freaked me out. mostly 'cuz i just this article about the "ladder theory".. (there's a link on tosh's journal .. 'cuz i don't remember what it was. and i don't feel like looking it up right now).. got paranoid that all my guy friends want to fuck me (being the whole i-fucked-my-best-friend-dealie.. and now the stevo-put-the-moves-on-me-after-knowing-that-i-broke-up-with-my-long-term-boyf-a-week-ago).
so i got home at almost three really pissed/upset about that.
.. then i checked my phone and i had 2 missed calls and 3 text messages.
a friend i hadn't talked to in a while left me a message. hopefully i'll still get to talk to him this weekend.
and my best friend (/my ex's best friend) called to say 'hey' and left me some nice messages about me dressing up as a white mage for halloween.
really turned the night around for me.
..i guess that's it.
feeling really unmotivated today. should be doing homework. am typing this instead.
::shrugs::
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| shitty: |
[01 Oct 2003|09:12pm] |
i don't deserve to live.
.
i dumped my boyfriend last tuesday.
his best friend spent the night here on wednesday.
he came over last saturday.
he spent the night. (i slept on the couch.)
we agreed to be friends.
his best friend came over here tonight.
he called him.
his best friend left.
i wanted him to stay.
i'm such an ass.
where's
a
knife?
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| so: |
[01 Oct 2003|10:47am] |
so me and the boy are going to be friends.
he came over last weekend and we talked about things. he seemed okay with it. we even went to the zoo.
haven't talked to him since he went home though (oh wait.. yeah i did. that night to make sure he got home okay).. and that makes me sad. i guess i'm just so used to talking to him every night on the phone..
ah well.. i should get used to not having that.
nothing else is new. just school, school and more school. easy classes this semester -- though i should start putting more effort into them. who needs getting by when you can get a's with just a little more effort??
.. maybe i'll start tomorrow.
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[24 Sep 2003|08:40pm] |
i broke up with him.
.. three years, man.
::sigh::
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[14 Sep 2003|05:17pm] |
i spent the night in the bed of a friend of mine.
. and although we didn't actually have sex. .. we didn't stop much before that.
the worst part is he's best friends with my significant other.
.. this morning i woke up feeling sick.
we're going to pretend it never happened.
..
i am now one of those cold-hearted, unlovable cheaters.
cheers to me.
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| composition: |
[27 Oct 2002|12:56am] |
it was a gradual change.
at first it was nothing. at first it was menial.
at first she just clawed at her arm with her fingernails.
.. and it's not as serious as i made it sound.
it was just holding the nail to the forearm for a counted 60 seconds
.. then placing it in another spot and repeating the process.
it was always the same 3 spots. a little claw on her wrist.
and it persisted.
freshman year it stepped up a notch.
she obsconded a steak knife from the kitchen drawer.
saw back and forth, back and forth, on the opposite forearm.
the knife was dull.. over the year it got duller.
the cut was harder to make -- it bled less, it scraped more.
puffy red slice.
i think she may have stopped for a while.
or maybe not.. for memory seems to have failed me.
but it was always in the back of her mind.
.. and if she'd had a particularly hard day.. to the knife she went
to the knife, where she felt comforatble.
i think it was senior year when she discovered the blade
the gilette shaving blade
i believe she was always afraid of sharp blades before..
{ because she never REALLY wanted to hurt herself }
but when she discovered the cut didn't hurt like the sawing of the steak knife..
it was easier.
it was better.
it was faster
..and it bled more.
slices on her shoulders.
the arms competing::
one versus two.
two versus three.
two versus five.
..and when that was through, there was the star on her thigh.
THE STAR.
"what is it, art now?" her boyfriend scoffed. he had laughed at her cutting.
i believe it was in self defense (for he had been one too once..), but it still hurt her.
she wanted to stop.. but at the same time she craved it.
the only thing holding her back was his reactions.
he got fucked up when he found out she cut. he'd freak out and push her away.
(and wasn't his rejection part of the cause of the slicing in the first place?)
but it didn't matter.
hadn't cut in some weeks. still dug the fingernails in the arm, though.
it was a habit. a nervous habit [[like biting your nails, i suppose]].
heart in her hand, head in an hole.
descent, deflate, defeat, deny.
//and sleep.
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[24 Oct 2002|05:07pm] |
i.
am.
the.
stingofwinter.
::laughs at self::
what does that even mean????? :)
... on another note:
not feelin' better, but vowing to at least PRETEND to be.
viva la CUCARACHA! (mm..spiders..)
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[14 Oct 2002|10:12am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 discontent |
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i can't stop crying.
.. every day it seems like something or another makes me depressed.
something's gotta be wrong with me.
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| "boyfriend" woes: |
[08 Oct 2002|11:11am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 uncomfortable |
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we went through a lot this summer with me living up there and all. it all built up to this one huge "saturday" deal. hard to explain.. and i won't. we were fine the week before i left.
he ignored me for a month while i was at school.
finally, saturday night he called. twice. the second time we talked for 3 hours. a lot of it was idle chatter.. but we did get down to the nitty gritty. he's called the last two nights as well. last night we touched on some of the problems as well. i cried.
it's like.. i love him still. but i can't decide whether to break it off or not. he's wonderful to be with when he's happy.. but when he's depressed he cuts me off, ignores me. and i'm the kind of sap that wants constant attention -- or.. just wants to know she's needed.. and when he goes through those times, it hurts me horribly.
and i know he can't change this about himself. i mean, it's a problem he has to deal with.. and i'm sure just that in itself is challenging for him. and when we talked he said he wanted to change.. to be better for himself and for me. but i know it's something one can't just change. but i think it's noble of him to want to try.
sometimes i just want to break up with him because i'm scared of getting hurt again. and 'cuz i miss how it used to be when we were head-over-heels. but it's hard to let go when i still love him.. and when i know he wants to change.. when i know he still loves me.. when he tells me that we can work it out.. when he's willing to try.
.. this is really long and no one cares.. but i just had to get it out. thank you to anyone who reads this for putting up with me.
out.
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| bringing this journal back 'cuz i'm way too bitchy in my other one: |
[04 Oct 2002|04:54pm] |
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god, why do i just HATE everyone these days??
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[09 May 2002|01:17pm] |
i realized that i hardly ever update this journal.. i apologize.
last time i updated at 2.24pm!! awesome. ::thumbs up::
i've taken 3 out of my 4 finals. tomorrow's chem. tomorrow's gonna suck. i also move out tomorrow. one day home, and i'm off to visit relatives i don't know with my dad for a week. road trip from hell. one day after that, moving (yet again) to live with my grandparents. will be closer to the sig other.. will be farther from my friends.. will be farther from my parents (woo!)..
today, i don't feel like studying. i don't feel like doing anything. i moved pretty much everything out of here yesterday. all that's left is my sheets, a couple shirts (socks and stuff too), my computer and some books. the walls are so bare. whiteness. it's fucking nuts. it's like the week we moved in. yet it'll be empty this way for another 4 months. and i'll be away and off to newer, stranger, scarier things.
man.. i need to get out.
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[03 May 2002|02:24pm] |
and it feels like i'm falling...
it's nothing. there's nothing. i'm nothing. and the cheshire cat smiles as he laughs in my face. my eyes itch. my arms shiver. my stomach flabs. i never understood it quite like you did. and you never cared to explain it. we talked. the phone rang. the phone was silent. i thought it was me. i found it was you. but then again, in the end, it was always just me. overreacting. overrated. i kissed. i fucked. i smoked. i cut. i loved. i betrayed. i flirted. i pulled back. i pushed away. i fucked up. i never knew how cold it could be. and in my head it's empty. or, in a sense, too full. the thoughts, they clog up my brain. they push at the skull. and i just want to clear it out. the smell of skunk. the inhaling. the tingle. i want that now. it's too late now. maybe tomorrow. tomorrow is always four thousand hours away. today is five days in one. where did the time go? where do i go? where am i now? why doesn't this make sense??
i'm gonna stop now. stoppity-stop.
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bored