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I did many things, including making posts here to my journal, for reasons due to seeking approval or reassurance in times past. As I've slowly moved past that, I've neglected posting in it, since my original reason for doing so was now irrelevant. Now, I'm going to post because I want to, and because I have something to say - not to vent, and not to be a victim. So, stream of consciousness. - I've found myself using my left hand more and more without thinking over the past two years. My qigong teacher and I have a running joke that I must've been born left-handed, as my form is almost always just fine with my left side; but my right is sloppy, and usually overthought. I'm not at the point of writing with my left, but it is getting better. I'm not sure what the real story of my handedness is - what I do know is that I'm enjoying the practice of using both. - I remarked yesterday in front of my teacher that qigong had become a pillar of my life. Saying such was inaccurate, of course - the energy work itself has become a mainstay of my life, not necessarily just qigong (to be overly anal). Regardless of how its described, this is part of who I am and what I do now. - I also thought more about what I know about me today, before I went to work, as I was enjoying the afternoon winter sun. New shiny tech gadgets don't enthrall me like they once did. My "new" (to me, though it was manufactured only 5 months ago now) computer makes me quite happy, yes, and I spent almost an entire day being giddy about having a 24" screen - but instead of being giddy necessarily about its technical capabilities, I was more happy with what it allowed me to accomplish and do. Mentally, the shiny toy has become a shiny tool. As now unto forever, enjoying the journey with unhurried steps. Tags: tending the one
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Uncertainty is what confounds the best-laid plans and upsets the most flat-lining situations being taken for granted. How do you act when someone or something you care about has something serious happen? As momentarily shocked as I felt at the prospect of having something serious occur with a close friend last night, and finding out he's okay now - it also becomes clear not just how tenuous things are, but the beauty that arises and occurs despite, or maybe because of, this tenuousness; this fragility. If things were as stable as most people would like to hope, the things that we love or the things that torture us would stay and endure, stably, and statically - unchangingly. The fragility of life is what makes sure we not only don't take things for granted, but learn to enjoy them for what they are while they're here. With all that said, my friend and teacher LaRoi is in the hospital getting his insides mangled, but otherwise alright. He'd probably kick my ass if I didn't say something deep about this time, so here you go - now I'm going to finish my 40. Tags: tending the one
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So, as it's been a while since I last sat down and self-reflected (that's amusing to think of by itself), here I now sit - my Yerba Mate tea steaming to my right, my aging but still reliable and slick laptop in front of me, incense burning ten feet to my left, and a cooling breeze made by the fan above me. I am grateful for all of them. I am still working 30 hours a week and going to school. Next week is the last of my second quarter there at Heald, and also my last. I'm going to transfer to Sac City college, which offers the same degree program (Network Security), with better teachers and being substantially less money to invest in completing. Additionally, the degree I'll earn from there will be 100% transferable into university credits, unlike the one from Heald. Even better, the same Cisco certification course is being offered at Sac City, so I'll be all set. Most of my previous credits from Heald should transfer (rough guess - 70-80%), which will cut down on the classes I'll have to take for real at Sac City. I can also sneak in the odd Creative Writing course while I'm there. And best of all, I won't have to wear a fucking tie to school. As for work, it has been steady and good. The atmosphere is relaxed, and on some days I bust my ass, on others I relax and kick back and get paid for it. I'd like to make more, sure, but I'm certainly not complaining about what I have. The past few weeks juggling my newfound qigong sensibilities, school, and work has been difficult at times - but the results have been undeniable. I am now much more comfortable with the balance of the three each week, and though I'm still getting used to some aspects of not sleeping as much as I'd like during the week, I can catch up on weekends. Much dust in the form of many of my worries, self-doubts, and self-recriminations have been cleared away, as if by the morning sun. How I view myself has changed to become much more positive, and still is changing. My growing confidence in myself has surprised me at times in recent days, but all the surprises were pleasant. My practice hasn't been as regular as I'd like, but typically either Embracing Tree Posture or now the One-Finger Zen set are what I do in the morning. Perhaps soon, I'll be feeling the Shamanic Tiger set more, as that one would be much more fun in the mornings. Rawr, baby. As for my writing, that has stagnated, but I don't feel anywhere near as much loss as I thought I would. Writing was in some ways a channel for certain things I was feeling, and I'm glad to be rid of that. As I meditate each night and grow more each day, I look forward to getting to a point at which I can write for the sheer joy of it, not as a way of dealing with unacknowledged thoughts and feelings. I look forward somewhat idly to the future, but at the present the present is much more interesting for me. I find myself having a much better memory, as well as noticing some things others might overlook. Where I'm at now is wonderful, as will each subsequent "now." And if it somehow isn't, I'll make it that way. Tags: tending the one
Listening to: Crystal Method: Legion of Boom: Born Too Slow
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Car is now rescued, and I made sure to familiarize myself with basic parts of the car. Once I get my second paycheck, I’ll change my own oil to make sure I know how. I’ve put off learning basic care of a car for far too long - its dirtier than doing so for a computer, but less boring. In fact, I’d actually consider it meditative. First week of school and work went well, weirdness in sleep aside. I can certainly do this for quite a while, especially what with getting a retroactive raise during my first week. That was pretty awesome, and will help immensely with getting immediate and long-term debts cleared away for good. The down part about this week is that I haven't yet become used to getting up at 8 - I set my alarm for 8 so I have an unhurried hour and a half for morning practice, breakfast, and a shower. I've ended up hitting snooze a couple times before I actually got up, so I've ended up practicing about once this week, and meditating three times total. I'm becoming more used to this schedule though, so this Monday I'll hit equilibrium and start my day each morning with practice. Is good thing, yes. Tags: tending the one
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I feel elated. I got the student assistant job with the CA state Alcohol & Drug Program office, doing basic helpdesk stuff. Basically this is a temp position that lasts as long as I'm in school. I get raises every 960 work hours, and after every 60 college course units completed. Also, this student position gives me the inside track to getting a job with the state after I'm done. However, this means I'll be rather busy for the next while, but the good, fulfilled kind of busy. I'll be working 11am-5pm Monday through Friday, and going to school from 6pm-10pm Monday through Thursday. After this course is completed, I'll be taking the advanced networking courses to get my CCNA certification. All this will take about a year and a half, perhaps more. This leaves me worried about Grandpa, but I've been shown in the past that I can't forget myself or my own future to come to the aid of my family. My practice has been going well, and a bit more extensive (and more regular) than before, which is good. Tags: tending the one
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My teacher, LaRoi, is accepting new students for the qigong class he teaches. Qigong is an internal art that arose between 5000-7000 years ago in China, and has evolved and expanded steadily with each new generation. With the advent of the Cultural Revolution in China recently, most of the teachers and teachings traveled to other countries, including the United States. "Qigong" means "Working with/Study of Life Energy." As an internal art, qigong does not focus on combat or fighting as martial arts do; instead, it focuses on health and well-being. If you're curious and would like to know more, either reply to this post to ask me, send me an e-mail, or send a message directly to LaRoi through his MySpace page. Listening to: Angel Tears: Way of the Mystic (Vol. 1): Midbar Sinai
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Due to the high winds from the storms yesterday and today, I woke up this morning to discover that the power was out. Moreover, the giant redwood tree in my backyard that's likely been alive longer than there have been houses around here got it's upper half snapped off in the wind, which knocked down some power lines. Long story short, everyone else on my block has power back, except me. So, over here inside my mom's office next door to the house a little after 1am, getting my intarweb fix and enjoying the fire. Grandpa was kind enough to lend me his keys. I don't really have the words to explain how my meditations have been feeling the past few days. "Good" would be a trite, though accurate term, but I feel as if more things are being stirred up. Mom wants to have a "discussion of grievances" next Thursday with my qigong teacher and friend as mediator. Amusingly enough, next week is also the time I was told I would hear back (for sure, honestly and fo' real this time) about the job in Sunnyvale. Either way, I told her that we should be driving separate cars there instead of her idea of me driving her there, since she's going to hear some real truth from me. Well, here's hoping the power lines are restored tomorrow. Tags: tending the one
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The world is frantic. We each feel this ultimately exhausting frantic-ness in different ways, and deal with it in individual ways as well. The seductive call of turning to something outside of yourself to heal the frayed wounds within becomes too much, when we see it happening all around us. It can warp what we perceive ourselves to be if we begin to walk with the stressful rhythm. Not all fall prey to the frantic drummer's beat, but all too many do. Too many of we humans don't have very much compassion, understanding, or acceptance for ourselves, and this echoes in how we treat our physical selves and other people. If you secretly think you're embarrassing, useless, stupid, or ugly, then that directly echoes in how you treat other people, or approach your own life. If you don't have acceptance, understanding, or compassion for yourself (and the three are inextricably linked), then you're certainly not going to have it for others. After all, no matter how you feel, you'll want to know that other people feel it too. It becomes all too easy to want to not face the darker facets of ourselves, to face our own mistakes and thoughts that we believe validate those perceived secrets of "I'm ugly/hateful/useless/stupid/embarrassing. " To avoid looking, people turn to a solace outside of themselves; something that gets their mind away from the quiet times when the mind wanders within itself. Turning to drinking, drugs, cigarettes, sex, or other mental state-altering things becomes an escape. Once the escape becomes familiar, it becomes all too easy to forget why one fled to that destructive refuge in the first place. It is a hard and difficult process, to begin to peel those layers of destructive solace away. One feels as if there's nothing protecting you from your own feelings, and it's easy to panic because of this. It becomes all too easy to flee to another self-destructive solace, because unconsciously you remember why you tried to flee the depths of your own mind to begin with; to throw an opaque blanket of external suffering solace over it. The road to true healing is to learn that mistakes don't make you stupid/useless/embarrassing. Enjoy making them, for they give you a relatively well-lit path of how to improve. Little, insidiously healing thoughts such as this can help pave the way to have compassion, understanding, and acceptance for who and where you are right now. Not where you will be at some future time, and not where you once were - neither of those matter, because neither of them have to do with right now. I began learning this path a year ago, and I went through all of what I wrote above. I know I've still further to go, more mistakes to make, and more things to learn. The path of a healer is not only walked within, since one must learn to heal over the open wounds, and value the scars. After all, nobody gets through life without getting scars of living - not only is that to be expected, it's okay. For me, being able to help show others how to walk this path if they ask would be one of the greatest honors I could receive. I finally understand why my teacher would be, and is, perfectly happy teaching this to a few select people. However, I also understand why he'd be perfectly happy teaching this to groups of people who are curious. Learning, and teaching that some time out of one's day is a small price to pay for learning to be happy with who and where you are right now. Tags: tending the one
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I've quit smoking cigarettes, and quit smoking pot a few months ago, since to walk through life like I should (i.e. choosing to be happy with life and at peace with myself), choosing to continue self-destructive habits prevent me from moving forward as a human being. I've been visiting my friend, who is a self-admitted alcoholic, though does exactly nothing to help himself. He drinks about a bottle of hard liquor every day once he gets home from work, smokes out when he gets home from work, and smokes cigarettes all the time. The past few months when I've visited he, his wife, and his two-year old daughter (keep her in mind), them smoking, or smoking out doesn't bother me - what they choose is on them. However, more recently, he's been drinking more. When I've been over there, he wants me to take shots with him, which I've done. However, tonight things became very clear to me what's going on. His wife's friend and her two young children were over, playing Guitar Hero and a singing game on the PS2, and he decided that he'd take out his katana (sharpened) while in the living room with the kids. Moreover, he was trying to show his two-year old daughter and his wife's friend's 1.5 year old son how to hold and swing it, all while very drunk. His wife asked him to put it away, as her uncle killed himself with a gun while he was drunk. My friend then argued this (drunkenly), and became a bit belligerent about it, and began to do it again. I told him flat-out that he was being irresponsible with a weapon for unsheathing it in the first place while he was drunk, and made this worse by having it unsheathed around small children. He laughed it off, which made me mad enough to leave. When I left, I was ready to walk out on the friendship for good, since that offended me on many levels. However, I realized after I calmed down that doing so would not be a way to solve the situation, as it would leave me more lonely for it, him a bit lonely for it, and a convenient wall for me to hide from myself what I'm not facing. I'm simply no longer going to drink with or around him any longer. The only time I do drink at all is when I'm with him about every weekend, come to think of it. Me drinking with him silently validates his own irresponsible behavior. I'm not going to preach to him about it, since one cannot change another. I just need to not be drinking, or I'm going to be holding myself back along my path. If he realizes that he's out of control by me doing so, great, but I'm not going to hold my breath. Tags: tending the one
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I've been thinking since last night after I got home from practice. I've been thinking about what this past year has meant to me, about what qigong has meant to me during that year. There's much more I plan to write, and put into the form of an essay-length writing, but in short - because of qigong, this past year, with all its myriad trials, upsets, and horrors, has been the best year of my life. Not because I ignore the pain, or anything of the sort - quite the opposite, in fact. I don't try to rationalize things away as much, I don't hide away from things I am afraid to acknowledge; I'm learning to just be aware of how everything is now, without needing to classify, justify, or explain away anything. Because of this, some events have hurt even more than they would have last year, just because I'm not refusing to acknowledge anything - but I don't mind the pain as much, because I don't life and think with it. I feel much more free now than I did at any point in my life prior to now - not bound in thought and behavior by my own fears, others' expectations, or overthinking/overanalyzing. I know I've much further to go, and more dust to stir up and clear away, but this only fills me with a smile now. I may not be awake yet, but the rays of the morning sun are streaming through my open window upon my sleeping face. Tags: tending the one
Listening to: Lupe Fiasco: The Cool: Dumb It Down
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I am discovering anew the philosophy that one can only harbor the same amount of compassion, understanding, and empathy for others as one does for one's own self. It was brought home to me tonight over cheesecake, of all things. My next door neighbor had given my grandfather a sampler box of assorted kinds of cheesecake this morning, and this evening, he couldn't remember where he had put it. He and I searched the kitchen and pantry for it, with him discovering anew the dinner he'd left in the oven this afternoon twice in five minutes, and me telling him that it was his dinner from earlier, not the cheesecake. It was finally found on a shelf in the garage (which made sense - logically, the garage is cool, and there was no room for the box in the refrigerator or freezer), so I began to have some. My grandfather chuckled embarrassedly, and started talking about "goddamn stupid me, putting the goddamn cheesecake in the goddamn garage." I reassured him that it didn't matter - putting it in the garage was a good idea; and besides, the important part is that cheesecake was found. It helped reinforce what I saw in him yesterday, that he's only been an asshole to me as much as he's been an asshole to himself. He doesn't share many of his thoughts, and I'm no telepath, but what he does share gives me a pretty good insight to where his self-esteem and self-regard are. So, I try to treat him well even if he doesn't, and it's with full kindness aforethought. This seems especially amusing, since I was reading an article entitled " How to Raise Smart Kids" earlier today. The gist of the article was one of belief - if you happen to believe that you're as talented and smart as you'll ever get, and that if you fail it means you're deficient in talent and there's no point in trying again, you'll be right. If you happen to believe that even the genii we revere, such as Mozart, Einstein, Curie, Edison, and others only accomplished what they did through hard work and perseverance, you'll be right. Oh, and a minor Update From The Bay - the first job I interviewed for, the quality assurance one, nixed me from the running. The manager gave me a direct answer that didn't reek of bullshit, which is encouraging - because the department is as swamped with work as it is and that I'd need some training to get up to speed, they don't have the time to dedicate to training me right now while they've all these things to break (and fix). However, the second job I interviewed for, the one that took 6.5 hours not including lunch for said interview, is now "in the approval stages." I'm not quite sure what that means, but it sounds interesting. As the saying goes that I've kept coming back to for a year, "if you do something badly, enjoy doing it badly - but always strive to improve." (Yes, that's a bastardization of an old Chinese saying and an old Japanese saying, but hey - we Americans have never been too big on reverence of tradition. Unless it involves greed.) (And I am greedy for cheesecake.)
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- This isn't the first time I've gone to sleep with my cat snuggling up next to me in my bed, and wake up seeing her still there. It's happening much more often now, for which I feel thankful, and honored. Especially when, right after I wake up, I stretch, and I hear a sleepy "Mehr!" in protest. - I can see floor in my room now, for the most part! It's the only carpeted room in the house now. Good grief, is it ugly. - Because of what I found out last night, I truly feel that I've found my calling; my Work. It makes me feel truly happy. And no, it has abso-fucking-lutely nothing to do with computers. - I saw that some anonymous girl gave Daft Punk a handjob. Don't worry, it's safe for work. Yes, I know the beginning is unimpressive - keep watching. She seriously must've practiced this for a while.
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Today, I had my best experience with feeling another person energetically. Before, my mind would chatter away with inane and useless things - this time, I just gave myself to the experience. It was with my teacher's other student, which made it a bit easier, but just holding that sense of wonder as I was moving around, feeling his internal organs and energies speak as they do. The most wondrous part was that I felt a bit rejuvenated once I was finished. I am deeply grateful for the experience, and being able to live in now, which helps me to understand. Now though, to gain confidence as a catalyst for healing, I need more volunteers to practice on. Just knowing that I'm strong enough now to do so is somewhat comforting, though I do need more experience with different people. Tags: tending the one
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