Disneyland with Cousins

Last May we went to Disneyland with my mom, my sister and my brother and his family. We were celebrating my brother's graduation from medical school! This trip was one of my very favorite Disney trips. Our kids are the same age and it was so nice not to have to worry about holding the group back because of feeding the baby or taking a potty break or going on a lame kid ride or whatever. It was so low key and enjoyable.  I was kind of emotional this trip. I just missed Johnny so much. I think it was mostly because I wished he could be there playing with the cousins. The whole time I would think, "Johnny would love this" and it just hurt. I cried during the Buzz Lightyear ride and I had a mini-breakdown after the new Cars ride Radiator Springs Racers (which was amazing, by the way). My sister Lydia said, "Sometimes life is hard, even at Disneyland!" But despite my emotions it was a blast and I can't wait to do it again!

Seeing Tinkerbell was one of the best moments. Eden was disappointed that Silvermist wasn't there. Eva was being super shy. Leila was trying to tell Tinkerbell all about the Tinkerbell movie. Leila: "There's this movie called Tinkerbell. . ."  Tink: "That's me! That's my movie!" Leila: "Oh!. . .But there's this movie called Tinkerbell. . ." We were cracking up!

The sleeping babes. They're exactly 6 weeks apart!

Millie Turns ONE!

 Millie turned one last week! Her first year flew by! It has been an exciting, emotional, peaceful and happy year with our Millie girl. She is such a sweet girl. We love her so much. We had a little birthday party the night before her birthday. She loved all the attention and sugar. :)

I had a lot of fun making her birthday cake. I've made a teddy bear cake for each of my kids 1st birthdays. Here is the Millie edition. :)

Before

After

She LOVED the cake! She's always been a food lover.\

Eva enjoyed it too!

She is obsessed with toys. Every time we pass by toys at the store she gets really excited and yells, "DOYS!!"

 You know it's a good party when you need a bath at the end of the night!

We love you little Amelia! We're SO glad you came to our family!

August 20th

Dear Johnny,

3 am on August 20th, 2011 I got the worst phone a mother can get. "Your baby isn't doing well. We had to do an emergency intubation and his heart stopped. We got him back but you need to get here as soon as possible." I was in a daze. What? This cannot be happening, he had such a good day yesterday. This isn't real. Not my Johnny, he's a fighter. I told Daddy and he looked at me and said, "I think this is it." Somehow I knew it too but I wasn't ready to admit it. Right then, Eva woke up. I went into her room, held her and told her, "Eva, Johnny's going to go live with Heavenly Father and Jesus, he's not going to live with us anymore, ok?" She responded with, "Ok Mom, can we go to Disneyland?" Nana came over to be with Eva and we left for the hospital. The ride to the hospital was horrible. I kept crying and pleading with Heavenly Father and wishing this were all a dream. Heavenly Father, please, not my baby, please. This can't be happening. I can't do this, please, please, not my baby. I just want to see him smile one more time. Please. This cannot be happening. Please don't let this happen. I still get knots in my stomach when driving to Salt Lake in the dark.

When we got to your room I knew that your life on this Earth was coming to an end. Your skin color was gray and your eyes were glazed over and unresponsive.  No matter how sick you had been in the past, you had never looked like that.  I don't think you were fully alive then, I think you were just hanging on for us. I held your hand as the doctors and nurses explained what was going on. You had stopped breathing and now relied on a ventilator, your blood pressure kept dropping dangerously low and when that happened your heart would stop beating. Whatever sickness you had was too much for your little heart. It was failing. They had you on loads of blood pressure medicine and sedatives. You had also started having seizures. It was all such a blur. 

You coded a couple more times. Seeing CPR performed on you was horrifying. I hope no mother ever has to see that. I have never felt so helpless in my entire life.  I wanted to hold you and comfort you but all I could do was pray.  I prayed hard.  I prayed that you wouldn't feel any pain and that you would be surrounded by angels. After the longest few minutes of my life, your heart started beating again. 

There wasn't anything else the doctors could do for you. Every time you coded your tiny heart was weakened. They could have put you on life support but the chances of you coming off were slim to none.  We had to make a choice. They wanted to know what they should do when your heart stopped again. 

We asked them to turn off all the monitors and let us have some time with you. You had fought a good fight, you had finished your work and it was time for you to return to Heavenly Father. At 9:30 am with Me, Daddy, one sweet nurse and doctor you returned to your Heavenly Home. 

I felt a wave of mixed emotions. I was relieved. You didn't have to suffer anymore. Now you had a perfect body and you were free from pain and sickness and all the scary things you had to experience. I was so proud of you. You had come to Earth. You fought a good fight and now you would automatically go to the Celestial Kingdom. I was so, SO proud of all you had accomplished. I was scared. How could we survive with out you? What would our future hold? How was I going to tell Eva? I felt a deep, gut-wrenching sadness. I also felt peace. I didn't understand why this had to happen but I knew it was the Lord's will.

We spent the rest of the afternoon with your little body. It was the first time I had seen you without any tubes or wires. You were beautiful and it made me excited for the day I get to raise you completely wireless. The nurses put a butterfly on your door and said we could stay as long as we wanted. Your grandparents, great-grandparents, aunts, uncles, primary nurse Pat and sister came and we spent the afternoon holding you, praying, singing and taking pictures. The spirit in the room was so strong. We cried, we laughed and we felt so proud of you and the life you had lived.  When you started getting cold I had to leave. Babies aren't supposed to be cold. Later that day we attended my cousin Macyn's wedding. I couldn't imagine a better place for us to be that day. Surrounded by the beauty of nature and surrounded by the people who love us the most. 

It was a horrible but strangely beautiful day. One I will never forget. Johnny, I love you so much and miss you every single day. Thank you for all you have taught me and blessed my life. I'm so glad you came to our family!

August 19th

Dear Johnny,

August 19th, 2011. The day before you became an angel. I can't believe it's been two years since that day. I remember it like it was yesterday. You were sick and in the PICU at Primary Children's Medical Center but it was a good day. Despite your fever of 106 and being on a CPAP machine you were alert, content and peaceful. Looking back, I think you knew your difficult earthly existence was coming to a close.

 I was wearing the green dress Aunt Kylie made for me and a pair of silver flip-flops. Everyone kept asking why I was so dressed up. I was just trying to be comfy and honestly, dresses are my "lazy" clothes since I don't have to think about matching a top and bottom!  I ate one of those yummy Boarshead sandwiches from the University of Utah cafeteria and an orange slush from the PICU slush machine.  We snuggled and watched reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond all afternoon. If someone would have told me what was going to happen the next morning I wouldn't have believed them. There was even talk of taking you off CPAP because you were doing so well.

 Since you were doing so well, Daddy and I decided to go home that night to sleep. Like always, the nurses said, "Get some sleep, we'll call you if there's a problem. No news is good news." The last thing I said to you was, "Have a good night. I'll see you tomorrow. I love you so much" and I gave your forehead a kiss like I always did before leaving your side. You looked at us and almost smiled.

At 3 am the dreaded phone call came.

Princess Miracle

So, we just got back from Disneyland last week but I still haven't written about our Disneyland trip last January (I know, I know we're obsessed. Don't judge us.). I just had to share this sweet story. One of our days at Disneyland Eva wore her Cinderella dress and she really wanted to meet Cinderella because they matched. Well, the princess fantasy faire was closed (to KJ's delight) and we couldn't find Cinderella all day. Eva was really sad about it. Then a miracle happened. Just as we were leaving the park we went to "our spot" by the castle and guess who was there? Cinderella!! She was there by herself so we got to spend about 15 minutes with her without a line and no other kids! She was so cute with Eva. They danced and curtsied. Needless to say Eva was thrilled!

Amelia Jane: The Birth Story

I'm finally getting around to writing little Millie's birth story.  I feel like it's almost a boring story.  Everything went smoother than I could have ever imagined.  There wasn't even a slight moment of concern.  It was such a blessing.  Since Johnny died my anxiety has been at an all time high, for obvious reasons.  I probably called the doctors office every other day with a question.  I was always afraid that something would happen to me or the baby.  I wanted to try for a vaginal birth (since I had a c-section with Johnny) but I was terrified of the risks. At week 34 I had some bleeding and was dilated 3 cm and 70% effaced without any painful contractions.  By week 35 I was 4 cm and 90% effaced, again without painful contractions. This added to my worries because I have a history of fast labors.  When contractions hit it would go FAST.  I was afraid she would be born at home, in the car or in the middle of a store or something!  I didn't go anywhere alone.  I had the best doctors who supported me.  I prayed every night that the pregnancy and birth would go smooth and that it wouldn't add any more emotional trauma to what I had already gone through.  I can testify that prayer works.

I woke up sometime around 4 am the morning of October 15th feeling "wet."  Like I kept wetting my pants.  I wasn't sure what to think so I went back to sleep.  At 6 am Eva woke me up wanting me to sleep in her bed. I still felt wet and thought that was weird, so I woke up KJ and told him that I think my water was leaking and that we probably should go get checked just in case.  Everything was just so calm.  We got our stuff together and drove to my parents house to drop Eva off.  I still wasn't in any pain.  I hoped they wouldn't send me home.  I was afraid they would tell me that no my water didn't break, I just don't have bladder control anymore!

We got to the hospital and the nurse checked me.  My water was definitely broken!  She could still feel the bag bulging at the base but it was broken somewhere. I was 4 1/2 cm dilated and 100% effaced.  Baby time!  I couldn't believe it!  The nurse asked, "on a scale of 1 to 10, how bad is your pain?"  Uh. . . a one. . .maybe? (a half?).  We got to the hospital at 6:45 and by 7:30 I had an epidural!  It was the best epidural ever.  I could still move around and could feel everything (pressure, contractions) I just couldn't feel any pain.   With the epidural and pillows surrounding me, I don't think I've ever been so comfortable!  

The doctor had a scheduled c-section so he left. They don't like to give VBAC patients any drugs to progress labor so I just rest and let my body do the work.  By this time I had started having a few contractions.  Modern medicine is awesome.  I love watching my contractions on the monitor and not have to feel them!  KJ and I slept and watched the latest episodes of Once Upon a Time and Modern Family.  

Our doctor came back at 9 am to break the rest of my water.  By this point I was 5 cm dilated.  After my water was fully broken things started going pretty fast.  The doctor went to do another scheduled c-section.  KJ went to go get breakfast at the McDonald's next to hospital (he was so sweet and didn't want to eat in front of me).  By 10 am I was 7 cm and then by 11 am I was a 10!  It was so surreal.  She wasn't supposed to come for another 3 weeks and here we were!  I was in shock as they wheeled the scale in to weigh her on and the doctor put a clean towel on my lap to lay her on after she was born.  The epidural was amazing because I couldn't feel any pain but I could tell exactly when I needed to push.  I pushed about 8 times and at 11:34 am our little Amelia was born!  I couldn't believe it!  The doctor laid her perfect little self on my lap. She was all swollen and bruised but healthy!  

After awhile KJ went with little Millie to the nursery and the nurse handed me a phone and a menu and said I could order lunch. Seriously? It was awesome.  My epidural wore off really quickly and I could walk about 2 hours after she was born.  I felt so good.  Things just went so smoothly.  It was such a happy, peaceful day.  Eva was so excited to see her baby sister.  It did make me a little sad to not have Johnny with us but I know he was there in spirit.  Millie is such a sweet baby.  KJ calls her the "great healer."  It has been wonderful to have a baby in our home again. We are so blessed as a family! :)

Perfection