Accentuate the Positive

There's been so much stress going on with DD as of late, that it becomes easy to neglect the positive. DS has really come so far from our stressful days a few years ago, and has had an especially good year this year. Complete rages are rare, and when he does get angry, he is better able to let it go, and much more quickly. The best part is, he has gained skill at recognizing when something has caused stress during the day and being able to talk about it rather than spending the evening getting mad at everything.

One of the places I've seen him make great strides is in sports. He has always been so hard on himself, and angry when he decides he's too short, doesn't make enough baskets, doesn't hit a home run, etc., etc. He is very supportive of other kids who flub, he just can't extend the same compassion to himself.

The past few years he has been on the school's basketball team, and blessed with a great coach who is perfect for DS's personality type. It's obvious the coach cares for all the kids, but he doesn't pussyfoot around. If you're not toeing the line, he lets you know it. If DS starts to get mad, he gets benched until he pulls it together. DS has learned he can spend time mad on the bench, or getting over it and get in the game.

His team has had a particularly good season this year, and they won 2nd place at the State Tournament. They have now been invited to Nationals, so we will all travel 8 hrs. away to cheer them on at the end of this month. What an amazing experience for him!

You're My Little Girl

It continues to be a rough ride with DD. Mad at everything. Refusals. etc. etc. etc. Tonight she pulled the same trick with math - doing the first 1/3 then guessing on the rest. I'm not sure if she thinks I won't notice, or that I'll go through it with her anyway, so why bother, or what. I never checked last night's assignment - I didn't have the heart. I'm sure it was more of the same, although I was sitting next to her while she did that one. Apparently she pulled off a B on Tuesday's assignment, but I am starting to wonder if she copied it from a classmate. I have shared my concerns with the teacher.

I'm struggling to find the correct response, something that clicks for her, but she just doesn't care. If it were because the subject was hard for her, that would be one thing. I don't expect Algebra to be a part of her future career, and life will go on. But this is her strongest subject. She knows how to do all the work, she simply refuses to. She is testing us, big time! I'm trying not to respond, not to buy into the drama. Tonight when she started yelling at me, I sent her to bed, and ignored her crocodile tears after she calmed down. I doubt it clicked for her, but I had a much more relaxing evening after she was in bed.

I listen to my iPod at work a lot, most of the time as background noise (and to drown out the noise from the conference room across the hall), but sometimes a song will find it's way to my conscious mind and get me thinking. Yesterday, it was "You're My Little Girl," by Go Fish. I have always loved that song!



The first verse in particular hit me as appropriate for DD:

The ones you love, they let you down and I want you to know that I'm sorry
The choices that they made were wrong, you were caught in the middle and I'm sorry
So when the anger and the pain get the best of you
I know it seems that you're all alone but I am feeling it too

You're My little girl
You're the one that I created
No one in this world could ever be like you
When you're crying in the night, all you need to do is call Me
I'll be there for you
Cause you're My little girl

As I listened, I thought about how much I would like DD to take this to heart. I want her to know that no matter what happened in her life, she was not the cause of the problem, and that the Lord loves her, knows her pain, and is there with her every step of the way. I want her to really hear this song (though she's heard it many times), but I know I can't make her absorb the meaning. However, this is still the message I want to imprint on her heart.

And then I listened to the bridge....

I know you don't deserve what you've been through
And I know it doesn't seem fair
I know that there are times you think you're alone
But you've got to know that I will be there

And I realized that it's not just DD who needs to take these words to heart. I get so beaten down by the rages, the frustrations, the hurt, the loss, that I forget that He is there for me every step of the way. I am His little girl, part of His plan. He hasn't forgotten me. When I am at my lowest, He is there.

How often do I forget this, and forget to turn to Him in the tough times? Too many to count! I need to remember that there is nothing I can do to heal DD. He is the one doing the work, and I am but His instrument. I need to remember to put this in His hands, and trust His plan for me, for DD, for DS and for Jeff. So easy to say, but so hard to do!

Fun with FASD and Sabotage

We had an interesting weekend here. We still maintain our foster care license, and we are doing respite periodically, currently for a 13-yr-old girl with FASD. "Carly" is the middle child of three adopted by their grandparents, who are definitely finding her challenging.

She's a very sweet girl, and a great companion for DD. It's not that she misbehaves, but that she is so energetic and ever-present. She just doesn't stop! Just like DD, she lacks an understanding of social appropriateness. It's not one particular behavior.... each one on its own is innocuous. It's the combination of behavior, the disconnect between social reality and the reality she perceives. For instance, by the second night she spent here, she was declaring her love for us. To a certain extent it's sweet - I'm glad she is comfortable, since this was her first time sleeping away from home. However, love is a little strong an emotion for such a short acquaintance.

This weekend was all about the drama. I could tell Carly wanted some, and if it wouldn't come to her, she would create it. She mentioned some disturbance with a boy at school during the day on Friday, and I suspect she hadn't gotten enough sympathy for it and was bound and determined to get more somehow. So she declared at one point she "needed to be alone" and ejected DD from her own room. When I called Carly down, she was teary eyed because she thought DD was mad at her (much to DD's surprise). We talked about how everyone in a family needs to find ways to be positive about other family members, rather than looking for a reason to be hurt. A similar incident sent DS storming up to his room (as in, I wasn't mad before, but now I am!). There were other stick poking behaviors, which I quickly snuffed out. I simply told her no, we weren't starting that drama, and we moved on.

It's interesting watching DD and Carly together. So much alike, but it makes me appreciate how we've instilled some social stop signs in DD over the years. There are times, though, when Jeff and I can only shake our heads in amusement at some of the crazy stuff they come up with together. DS is going crazy - and developing a new appreciation for his sister. It gets a little exhausting, so we certainly know why the family needs the respite!

Of course, DD is trying to create some drama of her own, and sabotage herself in the process. Fits about everything, lackluster attempts at her work. Today it was the cell phone. Because of Jeff's need to have an iPhone at the same time I got one, we added a line to our plan, with the idea that we might give the kids the phone to share for emergency calls home when they are away at a sports event, or periodically to text friends. We debated about giving it to them over Christmas, but finally decided we would, with strict limits on where/when they could text. We set up parental limits (it only works at certain times), and access is dependant on homework and behavior. It is not to go to school! (or anywhere else without permission)

DS uses it occasionally (and appropriately) to text friends. DD is text crazy if we let her, and struggles to understand that when the other person responds repeatedly with "K" to her texts, that means they are ready to be done with the conversation. We expected this, and I've been hoping this would be an opportunity to help her with conversation skills.

Well, it was used quite a bit over the weekend at DS's basketball tournaments, so it was set to charge last night. Just before leaving this AM, Jeff looked over and noticed it was no longer on the charger. He asked DD where it was, and she said, "Oh, I accidentally put it in my backpack." Cause it's easy to trip and drop it in a backpack... oops! He calmly took it, announced it was gone until further notice, that it was coming with him (so she wouldn't search the office) and left. She has not mentioned it, but she knows the consequence for sneaking something to school is losing the item. She already lost her new makeup a couple of weeks ago. Sigh....

Then she asked me this afternoon if she could go to the church's middle school night tomorrow (every Tuesday for grades 5-8) I told her it would be dependant on her homework being completed, and since there is a full list, she would need to buckle down so I wouldn't just see 10 math problems done when I got home. Algebra is her strongest subject, but it was plain when I checked over the work that she had guessed on 2/3 of the 30 problems. It was so bad that most of the answers have no relation to the question asked (Q: "Is the event described dependent or independent?" A: 3) I think she figures I will work through it with her in the morning, so what does it matter. I will not. I will let her know that she can expect a poor grade, and she has the option to work on it tomorrow on her own in the hopes of improving it, but there will be no extra help from me, and no extra activities until I see a corrected paper.

I wish I could say she will care that her classmates will see her F paper. I don't think she will. Nothing motivates her, and I can't hold the phone as a carrot because she's already lost that. Therapists, teachers, the psychiatrist recommend I offer a reward of something she wants as motivation. She doesn't care. If I do find something she cares about to hold in the balance, she can stop it all on a dime, so it's within her control. She just refuses to control it.

This isn't the first time she's done it for math, and it's not the only subject for which she's pulling this stunt. It bugs me, because I have no problem with a child who tries their best and stumbles on their work or gets frustrated, but it drives me nuts when she is too lazy to do things of which I know she is completely capable. Then the school is willing to cut back on her work load, but that becomes a reward for slacking off. But to push her to complete it (and negate the reward) just sucks up my time and energy.

It's a battle of wills. I can be incredibly stubborn, but in truth I don't want my life with my daughter to be nothing but a battle. I am torn as to the best strategy. Ignore it and don't mention anything about the paper? Calmly tell her she has only a few right and suggest she may want to review it, then ignore her? Stand over her until it is completed? I'm leaning toward #2. No matter which one I choose, she will use it as an excuse to rage at me.

The teachers turn to me to clean up the missed/neglected/sloppily done work, even though they know I'm overloaded. But they don't want to fight the battle with her, so they leave it to me. I understand their reluctance, but they all know and acknowledge that it's slowly killing me. I'm determined to get her through high school, but am not sure I can survive the experience if I'm dragging dead weight. Jeff isn't strong in the homework area, so I'm johnny-on-the-spot. Some have suggested we get an independent tutor... sorry, we don't have the funds, and don't know who we would inflict this on. Besides, it's not that she *can't* do it... it's that she won't! (Sorry Kari, but this one is definitely a *won't*!)

So she continues to sabotage... her phone, her makeup, her activities. I expect she will sabotage the upcoming class trip to Washington DC as well. I worry about how she will try to sabotage my trip to Orlando. Right now the plan is to put her in respite for the weekend, and tell the teachers there will be no homework done until after I return. I know it's a trigger point, and I just don't want Jeff to have to deal with the explosion.

OK, this is getting long, and I should get to bed. If you've made it this far, thank you for putting up with my rant!

Getting Back on Task

I have been horrible about blogging this fall. For a while, it just seemed like everyone was dealing with bigger issues than ours, and I started to feel petty and whiny, and didn't want to inflict that on everyone else.

Then things started to change, and I just have been too overwhelmed to put it into words. DD has really been having a rough fall/winter this year, and it's been exhausting.

It started with horrid PMS issues - rages and general grumpiness about 2 days before she started each month. She had great timing, too - just before we were to leave on a family trip to Boston, just before Thanksgiving, and just before Christmas. At first, things returned to "normal" after a couple of days, and we moved on.

Then in December it intensified, her rages became more violent, and independent of the time of the month. As we headed into January, the frequency increased. She started smacking me hard on the side of the head with her fist, pulling hair, and trying to bite me. Screaming at the top of her lungs, defiant and hateful.

The climax came two days after she returned to school in January. I received a call from school telling me that she was running away from the principal, yelling, hateful things, harassing other students, etc., and that she needed to go home. I had a bad feeling about the situation, so as I got in the car, I flipped the child locks in the back. At school, I moved everything that might be a projectile out of the back seat. I left the driver and one passenger door unlocked. I headed in to confront the situation.

She was wild. It eventually took 3 of us to get her into the car (including another parent, who happens to be a police officer, who happened to drive up during the drama, and slid in so calmly to help us put her in the car that you'd think this happened every day.). I shut the doors and stood outside while the van shook, not willing to get in until she had at least regulated a little. As I expected, things started flying around the van. Once I was able to feel safe enough to leave, she still fumed in the back, taking a frozen water bottle and slamming it into seats, doors, windows, etc.

Once we arrived home, I decided it would be a poor choice to let her out - I fully expected her to run, or become more violent in the house. So there we sat.... well, I sat... she bounced around the back of the van like a ping pong ball, screaming, slamming, hitting things with the water bottle, even climbing into the cargo area. I didn't interact with her except to block her from getting in the front seat area. It took her over an hour to calm, and when she did, it was like a switch had been flipped. She pleasantly started chattering about tidbits of what other kids had said/done that day. Very spooky! She spent the next day cycling through moods, sometimes in a manner of minutes.

I kept her home for 2 days before sending her back. Fortunately, we had just had a Psych appt two days before, and added Ab*lify, so we had hopes this would help her regulate. It does seem to have helped her snap out of the rages sooner, but she still is losing it on a regular basis, and at the tiniest imagined slight. Some days I think I make her mad just by breathing! I still don't feel she's stable, and this is a huge change from previously. She's always had a defiant streak, but nothing so violent and hateful.

I think we're getting the "perfect storm" of challenges for her. First, she's 14, when hormones can make it tough for any kid to keep regulated. Second, she's been with us for 7 years, the same age she was when she arrived here. Things she's telling me really indicate she is struggling to trust us, to believe that we won't get rid of her like her birth family. Third, she's the one who has basically tried to shove all her emotions regarding adoption, FASD, abuse, etc. into a closet and ignore it all. Those boogeymen in the closet just aren't willing to stay put anymore, and she's fighting it tooth and nail. Not that I blame her, but it's just like a splinter... you can try to ignore it, but eventually it will fester and hurt even worse. Fourth, she's never been strong at abstract reasoning, or cause and effect, and now she's got to battle all her attachment demons while dealing with raging hormones and no impulse control.

We're constantly reinforcing our commitment to her. We're telling her we love her no matter how much she pushes. We tell her that she can make the choice to be in charge of her body and its reactions. I'm trying to get her to work on not showing "the mad," in the hopes that 1) she'll learn a valuable skill for self-control and 2) that perhaps if she doesn't get her whole body involved in every emotional upheaval, she may find it easier to stay on track.

The interesting thing is, tonight in her prayer she asked God to help her control her anger when it goes up and down. I asked her if sometimes it felt like a wave that came through, and she said yes. I asked her to just pay attention to that felt like for a few days.. not to worry so much about what to do about it, but to start to recognize when it was coming, in the hopes that eventually we can teach her to ride through it instead of letting it swallow her.

I'm worried... She's never had a complete psych eval, and I think it might be time. We don't know enough about her history to know what mental health issues there might be, but we do know it's likely there's something like that going on with birthdad. I worry what next year will bring, when she starts high school. I worry what the future will bring if she doesn't learn to control this. Last week, when she was raging, she dialed 911. When the officers arrived at our door, she screamed at them that they didn't belong here and to go away, while Jeff stood calmly in the doorway. By the time I got there (Jeff called me to come home once the rage started), the officers had seen enough crazy that they were worried that *we* would be safe with her.

On the negative side, it's not a good feeling to come home to find two cops cars in front of your house. I started worrying what body parts I might find on the lawn. On the plus side though, it was good that she was showing her crazy to the officers, while my husband stood there calmly, so they knew where the crazy was coming from. They offered to try talking to her, but DH declined, since he really didn't know what she might do.

So that's where things stand these days... with DD losing it for every little thing she doesn't like, and with me exhausted by it all. I wish I could be philosophical about it, but really, I'm just ready to run away somewhere, anywhere!

A Lovely Afternoon...with the boyfriend!

We had a nice afternoon yesterday with DD's first boyfriend. They met at the kids' summer program, and he's a nice guy, just a few months older than she is. I like his parents as well.

Anyway, they've wanted to get together since the summer ended, so DD, DS, and I met him and his family at a nearby theater to see "Despicable Me," then decided to go for a hike down to the Mississippi River at a nearby park. We had a nice afternoon, and I enjoyed getting to know his parents better (his dad is a bit of a geek, like me, so his wife laughed and said at least he had someone with whom to have those geeky conversations). The kids ran ahead, climbed everything, and played in the sand on the beach by the river. We stopped for DQ at the end and said our goodbyes as evening fell.

On the way home, we set up DD's MP3 player to play in the car and the kids took turns picking the songs. At one point we were all 3 singing a the top of our lungs to Taylor Swift and having fun. It was a wonderful bonding afternoon, and made me think that it's beautiful to know that through all the tough times, it is these memories that tie us together as a family, regardless of bloodlines.

Getting it Right (for once!)

Yesterday was a good day. Stressful, but good.

We've had a rough couple of weeks since the kiddos came back from their grandparents' house. DD was in fine form all week while she was gone - defiant, lying, nasty, hurtful - you name it, she did it. Then she came back and punished us for it all with more nastiness. And she broke the screen on our netbook when she didn't want to do her typing (which she has to do now because she didn't do it during school). Even her therapist was shocked at the venom DD unleashed at her (and I was glad that someone else could see it instead of the "sweet little girl" routine). I even had her tested for strep on the off chance that she might have picked it up from Java (of the Coffees) and we might be dealing with PANDAS.

Finally, after a couple of miserable weeks, things started to improve a bit. Not that we didn't get the nasties, but they weren't so constant. Then came last night.

The kids had to spend the day home alone, as both of us had to work, and the day program they attend was scheduled to "hang out at the Mall of America." Hmmm... send my little kleptomaniac to wander around a mall for the day, with no $$... not such a great plan. We've done this a few times this summer, and things have gone pretty well. I give them a couple of assignments, plan out the meals, and am available by phone all day. Yesterday was no exception, and the only assignment I gave was to complete 3 pages in their math workbook (trying to keep the math brain going over the summer). Note that this is the same book DD begged me to buy her at the beginning of the summer, and I picked the easiest pages for them to do. The rule was that they could watch a movie in the afternoon once their math was done.

Well, DD didn't do it, and then lied to DS that she had so she could watch the movie, then lost it when Jeff came home because DS told him the truth. And the venom started flying. I got a text from Jeff on my way home warning me that she was in fine form last night, and he'd already been through one round of kicking/hitting/biting/screaming (oh, if only she could just not scream! You'd think we were chopping off body parts with a dull ax!), so I should expect more (he was leaving for the evening, lucky devil!)

Earlier in the day, I'd read Christine's post on how she'd successfully handled a similar situation with her daughter, and it inspired me. Thanks Christine!

I walked in, and DD was in the living room pretending to write an apology note but really making a bracelet. She stood up and glared at me with a depth of hatred I haven't seen in her before (DS is the one who specializes in dark looks). I approached her calmly and asked her if this was going to be a good choice, if her anger was going to bring good things. She glared more. I walked up to her and hugged her, rubbing her back. She told me she didn't want me to do that. I did it anyway. (I'm a stubborn cuss). She growled that she wanted revenge (presumably on her brother), along with the other usual vitriolic stuff. I pulled her to the couch and hugged her (it was like hugging a board), rubbed her back, and started tapping alternate shoulders. Finally she calmed to the point where I could send her across the room for a Kleenex.

Then I sent her to the bathroom to wash off the nasty words she'd written all over them. When she came back, she was back in full anger mode again. Sigh. I looked at her, smiled, and patted the couch next to me and asked her to sit. She didn't want to. Asked her again, and said that I realized her anger was taking over, but she had the power to make a good choice. More refusal, and an insistence she wanted to sit on the floor. She was determined not to comply! I finally pulled out the, "I'll be uncomfortable on the floor, because my joints are aching today" card. And she finally relented and sat.

We talked, and talked (or more like I talked, she nodded or shook her head periodically) about the feelings that accompanied her choices during the day. How the one bad choice (not to do her work) made her feel guilty and angry at herself, which lead to the next bad choice (lying), which made it worse. And how her thoughts were telling her she was bad and stupid for that choice. So that by the time DS told Jeff about the incomplete work, DD was already at the explosion point, and he was just the lucky match. About how parents are human, too, and if she pushes our buttons, then we're going to get mad sometimes, too. In fact, she agreed it would be a little weird if we didn't. Then I talked about the good choice she'd made, to sit next to me even though she didn't want to. And how that feeling of closeness led to good feelings, and how a single choice can lead you upwards or downwards.

I don't know how much of all that sank in. But if even 5% does, it is a step. She came back to the table, she did her math without arguing, she went to bed calmly. After prayers, I had her say the following: "I forgive (DS) for telling Dad what I did." "I forgive Dad for getting mad at me." "I forgive myself for making the wrong choice." It might be hokey, but she seemed to feel lighter after doing it, and I hope it gave her some closure.

Of course, DS had to have his turn, nearly exploding at me when I tried to help him with a math problem. I just hugged his resisting body (he will stiffen, but he never totally pulls away. He's admitted in the past that he's really just testing to see if I mean it) and rubbed his arms until he calmed. Then we talked about what was bothering him (end of summer, and a friend who won't be returning to his school this fall) and got him back on track.

Two for two! I have to admit I was pretty proud of myself, because I don't always do anywhere near that well. Just like I try to tell my kids that one success in controlling their temper shows they are getting stronger, and can do it again, I will need to remind myself that I can do it again too!

I'm glad we're almost to the end of the week - it's State Fair time here, my favorite activity of the year! Jeff and I are going on Saturday with friends, and I can't wait! We'll take the kids next week. Around here, the Fair is the focus of every TV news program and every Radio show. Most broadcast from the Fair for some portion of the day. It's like for one week, the whole state has a picnic planned. Ymmm.... lots of bad-for-you fried food ;-)

Testing 1...2...3

We're home from a fabulous weekend camping with other adoptive families: the Coffee's, Cyndi's family and Tina's family (not sure of her blog address (ed: added now!)). It was a wonderful weekend, if a bit on the humid side. Kari's husband took the kids out tubing on the lake with his boat, the kids did lots of biking around the campground, and we all enjoyed great food. Jeff is now jealous of Kari's dutch ovens, and is on the hunt for one (along with a "man pan").

We have a quiet week around our house this week - the kids are spending a week at their grandparents' house, one state away. You would think this means no FASD worries for a while... not so!

We've been getting periodic updates of DD's antics while out of our site... and she's only been there for 2 days so far. In that time she has:

1) Snubbed her grandmother as she arrived, refusing a hug
2) Yelled "I won't do it" when she was told to turn off the TV
3) Threw a fit about taking a walk with the family
4) Threw a fit about having to spend time reading, insisting that she had already read for 2 hours in the dark, as well as lying that I had said she shouldn't be doing any reading (when of course, I said the exact opposite).
5) Called her boyfriend long distance twice, without permission, and pretended she was talking to me.
6) Lied to me on the phone about something, even though I had confirmation of the truth from Grandma
7) General snottiness and refusals for just about everything
8) And my personal favorite - Shaved off her eyebrows!

Hmm... all of these are reasonably minor, and we could be dealing with worse issues, but it's a lot to cram into only 2 days, and she has 5 more there. And I know a lot of this is testing to see if the rules still apply when Mom & Dad aren't watching. You can tell Grandma is getting a little frustrated and wanting to know how to "fix it." If only I knew! FASD and teenage angst is like puberty on steroids!

I figure the consequence for the eyebrow thing is pretty self-evident... she will get to endure the teasing of her friends on Monday morning, and will get minimal sympathy from me for the situation. Sigh... did she think we wouldn't notice? At least she didn't lie about it to me when I asked on the phone this evening.

Grandma wants to know if this is the stuff she's come up with in the first 2 days, what will she come up with next?!? If only I knew!

Edit: P.S. - I will try to get pictures of the eyebrowless wonder... not sure if I will succeed, but the attempt must be made ;-)