Sports Wank #3

- Well we did it. The Turbos will be in the top division for another season, and while I’m pretty fucking delighted, it’s hard not to worry about what’s going to happen from 2011 onwards. Steve Tew still wants the 10-6-10 split, and says that it’s still the most popular option among the unions, so it’s looking likely that we’re going to have a repeat of all of this year’s squabbling in 2011. It seems kind of pointless to continue to push for the 10-6-10 split if it’ll continue to be met by appeals and legal threats from the unions facing the chop, so the NZ Rugby Union would save itself a whole lot of trouble if it just scrapped the idea completely and focussed on making the 14-team competition work.

As a fan, I’m not completely opposed the Players’ Association’s proposal of a 7-7-12 split, as long as the second-tier competition is televised and there is automatic promotion relegation. Obviously I don’t think it’s as good as a top division of 14-teams, and there is still the potential for second-tier teams to lose their best players, but it would reduce the operating costs of the unions and the competitions would fit into that nice little 12-week window the NZRU wank on about.

One thing that pisses me off about the outcome of last week’s NZRU board meeting is how the unions facing the chop have been made to look like the bad guys. Tew and Jock Hobbs expressed their frustration at how the negotiation of the collective bargaining agreement with players and the lodging of appeals and threat of legal action from endangered unions prevented them from restructuring the competition. Today Stuff.co.nz reported that Tew had raised his frustration with the unions as their different agendas stalled the process and said some common ground had to be found, and he was quoted as saying, "We talked about every time there is a tough decision on the table people are going to resort to an appeal process or legal action and effectively render a democratic process useless.” Well, firstly, did he expect the four threatened unions just to lay down and let the NZRU drop them without a fight? Its obvious Tew can’t handle the little guys sticking up for themselves. And as for this “democratic process”, the unions were forced to sign a participation agreement for the 2009 Air New Zealand Cup that stated that they would allow the NZRU to make future changes to the competition as they saw fit. If they didn’t sign this, they were told that they couldn’t compete in this year’s competition. How’s that for democratic?

- One last thing: I heard that Turbos winger Andre Taylor has signed with Taranaki. I don’t know if it’s true, but because I’m not currently working for any publication, I don’t feel the need to check these things (because why should I spend my spare time doing things like checking facts when I could be playing Xbox?). I’m throwing it out there to see what happens, and if it’s true, you read it here first.

The perfect Christmas gift for the guy who loves computers and boobs...

...and isn’t getting any action.

I came across the Yumi 3-D Soft Chest Mouse Mat a little while ago (don’t as how). It seemed kind of funny until I read the following product description:

They're not real... but they certainly are spectacular! Looking for somewhere soft and comfy to rest your computer-weary wrist? This should do the trick and give you a more "hands-on" approach to playing "Leisure Suit Larry" at the same time. This incredibly clever mouse pad features Yumi, a pink-haired anime girl dressed in a white swimsuit with a great place to relax your wrist while you click away on your favorite websites.

While other Mouse Pads offer an uncomfortable flat surface, Yumi's ample bosom creates a much more interesting, squeezably soft nesting place that cradles your arm as you surf. The unique design also features bright colors and the girl's wry smile, but most eyes go... well, you know where. Yumi is definitely "gifted," so share the fun by buying one for yourself and another for a friend! Measures about 10 1/2-inches tall x 9-inches wide.Features "try me" packaging! Just put your finger in the hole on Yumi's chest and "feel it to believe it!"

Whoever wrote this description wants you to do dirty, disgusting things to this mouse pad that go way beyond simply resting your wrist on its “ample bosom”. Saying that “most eyes go... well, you know where,” and describing Yumi’s boobs as “spectacular” raises a lot of questions about the writer’s grasp on reality, and the suggestion that you buy one for yourself and a friend is one orgy I really don’t want to be part of.

If, for some reason, owning this mouse pad doesn’t indicate that you’re a loser, using while playing Leisure Suit Larry definitely does.

They’re selling these things at Mighty Ape for $39.99, which is a fair bit of money to tell someone that they need a girlfriend.

Sports Wank #2.5

-There was one thing I forgot to mention in my last post: as if the LA Lakers hadn't already given us (or maybe just me and a couple of mates) enough reasons to hate them, here's a look at their 2008-2009 NBA Championship rings, as revealed yesterday. 

Now, if I was Pau Gasol or Andrew Bynum, I'd be pretty gutted to have Kobe Bryant's face on my ring. 

I'm just kidding. As much as Kobe would want his face on everyone's rings, each player actually had his own face lazered onto the side of his own ring (yes, even Luke Walton). In the past, NBA championship rings have had individual players names and numbers lazered onto them, but the Lakers decided to take it to another level.  Yeah, championship rings are supposed to be extravagant, but this is just wanky Los Angeles bullshit.

There is just so much to hate about these rings. Head on over to nba.com for more details, if you think you can stomach the blinged- out wankery.

Sports Wank #2

- W(h)anganui Mayor Michael Laws hasn’t had much publicity lately, so it was only appropriate for him to publicly voice is opposition to the Meads Cup final between Wanganui and Mid Canterbury being played in Christchurch, Air New Zealand Cup territory.

 

In case you’re a little in the dark, this is the situation: Mid Canterbury finished on top of the Meads Cup table after the round robin, while Wanagnui ended up second. Both won their semi finals, and because Mid Canterbury were the top qualifiers, they have the right to host the final. However, their home ground, the Ashburton Showgrounds (managed by the Ashburton A & P Association) had already been booked for the A & P show. As a result the Meads Cup final will be played at Christchurch’s Rugby Park, but Laws says that the Heartland final should be held in a Heartland province, namely Wanganui.

 

In a way I do agree with Laws (which is probably the first sign of the Apocalypse). It does seem a bit silly to hold the final of the Heartland Championship in an Air New Zealand Cup province, particularly in a main centre already saturated with professional rugby. However, the reality is that the Mid Canterbury team earned the right to play the final in front of their home crowd. Yes, the Mid Canterbury fans are going to have to travel about 1 hour 25 minutes* to get to their home final, but that would be a hell of a lot easier than travelling to Wanganui. The Mid Canterbury players and fans are already dealing with the consequences of the Ashburton A & P Association’s cock up, and don’t deserve to be inconvenienced any further by having to travel to Wanaganui**.  

* Honestly, I didn’t know where the fuck Ashburton was until 5 minutes ago. Thanks Google Maps.

** Note: As much as I enjoy rubbishing Wanganui, I’m not doing it here. I’m just saying it’s a long trip from Ashburton (about 13 hours 15 minutes by car - thanks Google Maps). 

Sports Wank #1

- What a great way for the Manawatu Turbos to finish their season: by completely destroying North Harbour, a team that doesn’t appear to be facing the threat of relegation into “Division One”, even though they ended up twelfth on the table.

If you picked up issue 26 of CHAFF, you might have read the article Scott Devonshire and I wrote which basically covered why the proposed revamp to the Air New Zealand Cup is total balls. We had the idea to contact each provincial union to find out who was for or against the revamp (which Sky Sport’s Reunion also ended up doing last week). We only heard back from Manawatu, Counties-Manukau, Auckland, Northland, Tasman, and North Harbour, and given we only had a page and half to work with, I decided not to include these comments. However, given the Turbos impressive result against North Habour, I though I’d share with you the comments we got from their CEO Brett Hollister (which I think is the same response he gave Reunion, word for word):

 “On the back of the very significant financial sustainability issues facing New Zealand Rugby, and the future expansion of the Super Rugby competition in 2011, North Harbour Rugby is supportive of a reduced 10 Team Air New Zealand Cup competition. We believe that the methodology agreed and committed too in writing, by all of the 14 P.U’s earlier this year to determine which teams remain in the Premier Competition, is also appropriate.  Had the criteria to determine who stayed up been based on the actual finishing position of the top 10 teams in this year’s competition, we would have encouraged further unsustainable spending on professional rugby, and created a financial train smash at the end of this year.”

 That’s funny considering that the papers are saying that seven teams are projecting a loss for 2010. As far as I know these seven teams haven’t all been named, but Canterbury/Crusaders rugby is set to lose $300,000. How about that for your financial train smash? Manawatu on the other hand are about $16,000 short of breaking even with four days to go until the deadline.

 You’ve got to remember that North Harbour is the same union that packed a sad when the NZ Rugby Union wanted automatic promotion/relegation for the top two teams in “Division One” and bottom two teams in the “Premier Division”. The NZRU changed it back to one team from each division, but now you’ve got to think that North Harbour still have a reason to be scared. If they were smart, they would oppose the revamp because even automatic promotion/relegation for one team from each division is bad from them. If the revamp goes ahead as planned, I would not be surprised to see North Harbour in “Division One” in 2011, but then they would probably convince the NZRU to change the rules so there is no automatic promotion/relegation (though as stated by Manawatu CEO John Knowles in CHAFF, the smaller unions believe that the teams that are dropped to “Division One” are really doomed to stay there anyway).

And with that, I hope North Harbour comes last in whatever competition they are in next year.

- I was in the Manawatu Rugby Supporters Club after the game (though Steve Tew and Jock Hobbs didn’t show like many of us would have hoped), and I was looking at the honours boards. It brought back some memories to look at who had won Manawatu Player of the Year over the years. They’re were guys like Chreston Davis, Karl Williams, Jason Holland, and the great Christian Cullen, and it got me thinking about who should win the award this year. At the start of the season you would have thought Aaron Cruden would have won it, but unfortunately he’s had injury troubles. Grant Polson, Brent Thompson, and Nick Crosswell would certainly be up there, but I would be inclined to give it to “Big Dog” David Te Moana. He’s had a great season scrumming, proven his mobility around the field, and been a top tackler. We’re really going to miss the Big Dog’s presence next year, but I wish him the all the best playing in France.

Do they still give out a Most Improved Player Award? If they do, I’d probably give it to Doug Tietjens, who really took his game up a notch this year, with Josh Bradnock being injured for a lot of the season. Isaac Thompson is a guy who would come close to winning that title, after taking more of a staring role this season. Aaron’s injury gave Isaac a lot of opportunities, but his superior kicking really helped us out on a number of occasions (except for when he missed that one at the end against Waikato).

Welcome to The Sugar Funkerton Show

Some of you know me as Jeremy Bryson from CHAFF, the student magazine at Massey University. Well it's a few months before we go back into production and I need to keep writing or I'll forget how to. This blog is a continuation of the kind of stuff I write for CHAFF - humour, reviews, sports (in the form of my famous at Massey column, Sports Wank) , opinion, and maybe news if I'm feeling adventurous.  

I have to say a big ups to Paul "Pauloon" Falloon, for suggesting that I start a blog. I used to think that bloggers were all dicks, but they cant be, because I am now one of them.

Peace

That cheeky monkey Sugar Funky