If I Say It's Wrong, Then It's Wrong

DISCLAIMER: Do not be concerned by some of the situations in this post. I am not dying. I am not in pain. There is no emergency taking place.

Question: Why, when asked to come to the ER for a quick once over by my (well, not really my, but the on call doctor in cahoots with my OB/GYN) doctor, am I worried that I didn't shave my legs?

Question: Why did the doctor (him in blue examination gloves, me in a ..., well I had a sheet across my lap) say I was "well nurished"?

Does that mean fat?

Just because I'm in stirrups, mister, doesn't mean I can't kick.

Question: What am I supposed to make of the down there doctor's parting words, "It's been a pleasure."

Even the ER nurse turned to me and said, "Haven't heard that before."

Trouble is, I have. But it was a girl doctor.

Better or worse?

You decide.

Question: Why am I giddy like a school girl that I am:

a) checking into the hospital (day spa)

b) going to be out under general anesthesia (taking drugs with NO GUILT)

c) having a hystrectomy (better loose at least 3 lbs)

d) forced to stay over night to watch for infection (girls night-party of one!)

e) going to be in pain for a few days afterwards (more pills, no problem)

f) restricted to bed rest (Bachelorette reruns here I come)

If you can help me sort through my pain and confusion, I'd appreciate it.

Survival

Well, I did it.
I survived.

My husband has been gone for nearly ten days and I made it through.
He's been gone before. And definatley has been gone for longer than 10 days.

So I survived yet again. No major catastrophies.
Except my house is messy. Not, Oprah intervention, DSS reporting kind of messy, just not what my husband should have to see I degenerate to while he's a way messy.

But I am EXAUSTED.
So I made a decision.

I decided to skip church.
What?
Yes, all 3 hours.

Me and mine are sleeping in.
Eating pancakes until we are visibilty bloated.
Then we will clean up. Beds, laundry, floors.

What?
Rest from your labors?

I know. And yes, now that you ask, I do feel a little guilty.
But I don't want anyone to know.

I asked a bestie if she thought skipping was a biggie.
She didn't answer.
She's no Bonnie to my Clyde. But her hair extentions were rockin' so it was a wash.

Then I called my 2nd couselor. No, I don't have a 1st one. So does that mean the 2nd automatically becomes the first?
No.

Then I called the bishop.
And I sounded confident in my decision. Except I babbled too much and had my eyes kind of sqiunty. Like I had just dropped an expensive chatchkie.
But I still meant business.

So, here I am.
Happy to be around all my kids.
(Remind me I said this)
Happy to have a slow day to clean and prepare for my sweetheart.
Hoping I'm not going to regret this.

Ummm, I hated today.

1. A guy came to fix a cracked hose on my sprinkler.

Ca-ching...$230.

2. My cute pink vacuum stopped working. It's all stopped up and I can't get it un stopped up.

I got out my heavy, loud but reliable vacuum to suck out the stopped up mess.

3. My heavy, loud but reliable vacuum blew up. As in POW!, smoke and a burning smell. Not to mention that my ears were ringing for a while afterwards. Never fear. There is nothing that oatmeal cookies can't cure.

4. Unless there are bugs crawling all over the just opened 25lb bag. Whatever. Nothing is going to get me down. I'll just get another bag out of storage. Isn't life so much better when we are optimistic?

5. Bugs in bag #2. And apparently all over my arms. Oh wait. Those are freckles. But suddenly they itch like crazy.

6. Did I mention I haven't showered?

7. Did I mention I've gained 7lbs?

8. Did I mention I painted my nails in a trendy black shade? They looked good for 5 minutes. Now they are chipped and I look (and smell) like a crack addict.

9. I'm going to go shower and lie in bed. I'd like to shave my legs, but my karma is looking more like I'll slip and slice a major artery.

10. Or worse. I might shave off an eyebrow.

*shudder*

Musings

*If I ran the universe, working out would make you smell fresh and clean. No- like roses.

Sitting on the couch watching "Plastic Surgery Nightmares" and eating Cheetos all day would make you smell like a goat.

*I just watched my husband take off his socks and put them back in his drawer.

I asked, "What are you doing?"

With a "busted" look on his face he answered, "Noth.. nothing."

He took off his pants and started folding them.

"What are you doing with your pants". I didn't really ask. It was an accusation.

"Just putting my clothes away." He was nervous.

"You're afraid to put clothes in the dirty pile aren't you? Are my laundry skills that bad?"

*I have a new goal: Shorten my laundry cycle. From drawer to body to hamper and back to drawer in under 2 weeks.

AM I aiming too high?

*New Moon is going to be better than Twilight.

*I'm hoping my friend's husband is stuck ay work so I don't have to admit I'd rather have a tooth pulled than go running.

*If I ran the universe, bearing children would be slimming,

nagging would sound like opera,

paying bills would be as relaxing as a massage,

Single women would be frumpy and saggy

And married women would be confident and well put together.

A Nursery Rhyme

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet toilet,

Peeing as fast as she can.

Along came a spider

And sat down beside her

Making Miss Muffet pee on her hand.

Bizarro

I found a great blog.

It's all about organizing and keeping things tidy.

How wonderful.

This chicka that I am super jealous of ingenious gal has posted pictures of her efficient way of collecting and storing school papers. She will soon be adding pictures of kid shoes and cleaning products.

But what do you know? I happen to have some pictures of my super righteous way of collecting and storing and displaying.

You Should Know

My Petpeeves include:
*the movie "The Notebook"
*platform flip-flops
*soda with no ice
*Michael Bolton



On the bright side, I love the following:
*driving a stick shift car while wearing high heels
*to laugh
*to watch a little child suck his/her thumb
*all things good
*to cook
*the shape of my husbands lips
* 7-11
*to accomplish
*cell phones
*books, books and more books
*fancy pens
*handbags
*short, clean nails
*my children
*your children
*romance


Now this has me thinking. I'll have more to add, I'm sure.

Being a Super Righteous Friend Can be Difficult.

This morning, LL Cool J and I were sweeping the floor, discussing going back to Cali. The music, as usual, was painfully loud. Because that's how LL and I roll.

Amazingly, I heard the phone ring. I answered it.

On the line was a friend (no, not you) venting her pain and frustration over something important to her. I am nothing if not sympathetic. I really care about her feelings and her dilemma.

The thing is, I couldn't hear everything because LL was talking about a lady friend of his and how her bikini was small- heels, tall and how much she liked the ocean.

It was a tough predicament.