what? no swearing or pot-smoking?

does anyone even use this anymore?

joe left me may 4 of this year.  which was awkward, because we lived together for another three weeks.  i don't think he ever really loved me.  like, "love" love. he's so young, i can't be mad.  i wanted more, he wanted something different.  it just hurt because in the moment before he broke up with me, i had never been more in love with him.  maybe ever.  like, with anyone.  whatever.  he doesn't love me anymore, and that's ok.

i'm actually doing ok for myself as a single person, romantically-speaking.  i'm not looking for love... not ready to be that sort of vulnerable.  but, after 15 years of being monogamously-coupled, i am trying to make the most of the new dating paradigm i've found myself thrust into.  apps where you pick people based on pictures and descriptions... like online shopping for sex partners.  unlocking private albums is the new first base. and trading last names and phone numbers is second.  i used to have a rule that i'd set a hard end to the first date... "i'll leave after two beers, NO MATTER WHAT" or "home by 10pm, NO MATTER WHAT"... but, it's starting to be super casual and easy for me.  i'm sort of weirded out by that.  but, it's so easy.  i lost 30 lbs during the breakup and once i started working out (especially when i started feeling panicky), things got even easier.  sexy times with (relative) strangers made the breakup easier, because i could be a jerk and treat some of them as disposable, and others i got more than just physical fun and could let myself have a crush for a minute.  anyhow, now i have a better idea of what i want... i am not ready to be vulnerable (emotionally/romantically).  what i want is something casual-but-not-disposable, where i can get the physical affection (not just sex) and the companionship (more than friends) without defining the relationship or being exclusive.

that said, i do want to be a partner to someone again.

i just really like being single right now.








to make my life even more confusing, AMZN bought WFM for something like $13.7bn in CASH.  let's hope my stock grants cash out at the purchase price ($42/share)!!  there is also whispering of WSL being the new flagship ("forget about LMR" is allegedly what AMZN leadership said), which would make me the booze specialist at the global flagship store of WFM/AMZN, which is sort of insane.  i hope i get a raise.

so.

we broke up.  january 2, 2015, 8:28 am.  i was still in bed.  it was mutual and neither of us raised our voice.  we both cried.

3640 days.  9 years, 11 months, 19 days. 32.6% of my life.

i feel equally relieved and mortified.  i cry every morning in the shower and again after i turn off the lamp.  i am a pro at silently crying in bed while someone lies asleep beside me.

it is really scary to be more or less on my own so far from home.

is my body.

that's sort of become my mantra.  i've been working out 5-6 times a week, slowly building up from easy vids on fitnessblender to lifting (found an ez-curl bar with lots of weights in the city lawn on my walk home one day) to running (!!!).  bought a fitbit and aria.  obsess over my activity and count my calories (which means no more pizza and barely any alcohol :((( )  "i will not go into my thirties with this disgusting body".  as it turns out, once i started looking for it, i realized that i am surrounded by people that hate their bodies, too!  perfect.  we all talk about exercise and diet at work.  and via text.  and via facebook.  it's sick, but i love it.  i mean, i hate it.

anyhow, after today's workout (chest/arms/back + cardio + burnouts), i finally saw a hint of obliques, pecs, and definition on my outer arms.  my legs are still big (used to ski and bike a lot), but i am losing the flab and my butt is getting better.

that's all.  just felt the need to get this out of my head.  i think i may have missed you, livejournal.  

resolutions are so stupid, so i've decided that i am goign to be more wasteful, recycle less, and adopt a shitty attitude. and i will try to use titles in my livejournal posts so i can find what i'm looking for faster.

i am a lot happier in south seattle, but i've alo been seriously depressed and had terrible, mind-altering insomnia, i think it was SAD. there was a weird eclipse.

i feel that i have more friends now than when i was at VR. everyone lives nearby, so it's easy to hang out and stuff.

let's see, um, PONY is the gayest and weirdest place in the world, but it's truly awesome. i fell in love with a gogo dancer, probably the most embarassing thing that happened this year, which is okay, because i was able to laugh it off and it happened on christmas eve, so at least it was late in the year.

i also fell in love with whiskey! oh sweet jesus, i love it again.

i have been laughing a lot more.  i love henry more than ever.  girl cat is still alive.

So, what do I find after a long day at work, followed by a long bus commute home? A set of subpoenas from the city prosecutor, ordering us to appear as witnesses in the trial of "plaintiff vs. Hashagen, Kevin Joseph"

Fan-fucking-tastic.

"you are commanded to appear in court to testify as a witness for the plaintiff at the following time and place, or as directed ybthe Seattle city attorney's office, and to remain in attendance at said court until discharged."

it is 10:55pm on a thursday and i am seriously about to lose my shit over a stupid pie crust.

things i should avoid now include pastrymaking and stonefruit.

i am knitting a lengthwise linen stitch scarf. 500 stitches on 10.5s with green and blue dk superwash merino. i bought 6 skeins total, so i'm about 1/3 of the way done.

i also got a promotion and a transfer today. in three weeks, i will be cooking at seward park. i have some mixed feelings about it, but i have decided that until the time is right, i want to live in north seattle. what "right" means, exactly, is pretty much TBD at the moment, though. i love this apartment and i love the view. until something awesome comes along or commuting becomes an issue, i guess.

being stoned and getting drunk on whiskey gingers is my new favorite thing to do.

so, i had just gotten off work. the apartment was really hot because the sun was setting, so we opened the windows all the way and were just relaxing and watching the end of a voyager episode that we had started this morning. we were just talking about wine alcohol content and they way it affects the flavor, actually. what assholes. it was maybe 7:20. then we hear a car peel down the alley and into the driveway next door. it's a shitty little house squeezed between our apartment building and some new condos. there are shouts and crashes, and jason goes off to snoop from the bedroom.

suddenly, jason runs out of the bedroom and waves me over. the guy and his girlfriend are shouting about something. she's drunk and crying. they are arguing about going to mexico or something and he is loading camping gear (propane tanks, a grill) into the back of a truck. then, he throws a set of keys at the girl. she starts screaming and trying to take things out of the truck. then, he grabs her by the throat and throws her against another truck. i was like OH SHIT and went into the livnig room to call 911. i've never called 911. i was so scared. i think that i did a pretty good job of giving details... it was freaking me out that it was a conference call with the officers and the 911 operator. i went back into the bedroom just in time to see her on the fence and him kicking her when she tried to get up. the operator kept asking me to give her info on what was happening. "i know it's unconfortable, but you have to keep watching." what an uncomfortable thing to be told.

so she's still screaming and he's shouting things at her, calling her a cunt, slamming things around in his truck, etc. give a description of the man (average height, late 20s, brown hair, brown shirt, brown pants) and of the woman (heavy-set, shorter-than-average, black hair, light shirt, intoxicated). are they armed? (no). the operator tells me that she needs me to stay on the line, because i'm the only call reporting on this incident. seriously? what the fuck? this is like, one of the most violent things that i have seen in my life, and no one else in our alley is calling this in? a car finally pulls up and the operator tells me that they have arrived and waiting go backup. before long, the other cops show up and the operator says i can hang up, but to please call back if anything changes. once the cops show up, THEN the neighbors decide to come out. assholes. what if we hadn't called? what if we had gone up to mountlake terrace instead of staying in? what if i hadn't asked jason to open up the windows?

they arrested the dude, despite drunk girl's best attempts to convince them that it was a misunderstanding. jason comes in and tells me that an officer needs to take my statement. it was just so weird. she kept reassuring us that our information was confidential and that they'd never know who called 911.

i feel strange. did i overstep a boundary? violate a social norm? why didn't anyone else call, when they were obviously watching and knew when the police showed up? AHHHH so weird. i keep trying to tell myself that he could have killed her, and that i had no choice in calling the police. like, it was my duty as a citizen and human to do what i had to do. but is that accurate? i don't know. all i know is that fight would have happened no matter what. maybe i have been watching too much sci-fi lately, but i keep thinking of all of the possible ways that this could have been different... if i had gone to libby's, or maybe gone to safeway or qfc after work, or stayed later and kept talking to liz... would he have killed her? would someone else have called the police? would jason have called the police, or would he have fallen asleep while watching the simpsons? or if i had gotten stoned first thing after work, or maybe just gone to bed?

it's just a lot to think about.

i go through so much ice now that we don't live in a winter wasteland.

i would love to go to cooking school, but a certificate program costs as much as my 6 years' worth of college.

audra came and visited. fat cat is in love with me.

vodka and seltzer
nirvana: best band ever?
i need painkillers