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I'm not sure who is reaching out to me, as it was done via an anonymous means, but I suspect that you are someone who is able to read this, assuming you are still following LJ.

I'm sorry for what was done to you, although I am not surprised. The reason I left is because I saw things like this coming, and the problem is systemic. I'm not sure what the future will hold, but I know I'm not alone in how I feel or my reasons for my actions.

There is hope, happiness and healing on the other side. You are only defined by the groups you choose to associate yourself with if you allow yourself to be. Know that it is possible to heal, and that while things are probably pretty painful right now, it won't always be.

If you are reading the one who reached out to me, you should have current contact information for me. If you aren't the one who reached out to me and any of this resonated with you, feel free to get in contact with me. I'm here to talk.

Our cooking fresh experiments continue to go well. Last night's dinner featured brown rice, snow peas cooked in with caramelized onions, chicken, and broccoli, zuchinni and squash stir fry. It all worked very well together. We produced almost no waste for this meal, throwing away only the outer skin of the onion and the stem ends of the veggies. No cans, no paper, no packaging. Even washing up was minimal as we used the same pan for all of the cooking, and as we all cleaned our plates there was very little water usage to wash dishes. All dish soap used was eco-friendly Clorox Green Works Natural Dishwashing Liquid Simply Lemon -- 22 Fl Oz. All surfaces were cleaned with eco-friendly cleaning products - Clorox Green Works Natural All Purpose Cleaner 32 oz (946 ml). Both products are made with 99% natural ingredients and are fully biodegradable. We are slowly trying to switch over to using entirely Green Works products, or possibly making our own cleaning products with various combinations of water, white vinegar, baking soda, castille soap, and borax.

Lunch today was white pizza with broccoli, chicken and onions. The dough was entirely handmade with only flour, water and yeast. I had to give JT a bit of a lesson on working that type of dough, but I think he enjoyed the lesson. The pizza was amazing. By making this entirely from fresh ingredients, and using veggies that we had already prepared for use in food, we created no waste for this meal. One pan and one mixing bowl needed to be washed, but we again used just warm water and the green works cleaner.

I don't think we've actually had to throw anything away other than the unusable portions of veggies in a couple of days. We're actively working on reducing the amount of resources such as water and electricity that we are using as well. The apartment had already been switched to entirely GE 26 Watt Energy Smart CFL - 6 Pack - 100 Watt Replacement bulbs, but we are also getting better about turn off lights when not in use.

Sooo... so far so good. :)

Originally posted at Sustainable Apartment Living. Please leave all comments there.

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"Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented to the victim with the intent of making them doubt their own memory and perception. It may simply be the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, or it could be the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim."¹ This is a form of abuse that runs rampant in religiously motivated abuse, at least in the experiences of pretty much every survivor that I know. It's also one of my biggest triggers.

Gaslighting comes in all shapes and sizes. The term gets it's name from the stage production "Gas Light". In this play, a husband sets out to drive his wife insane by making small changes to her environment and then denying that any changes were made when she noticed them. In particular, he would dim the gas lights that were lighting the house and insists that she is imagining it. I've experienced very similiar, but I've also experienced gaslighting in much more convoluted and destructive ways.

The easiest (well, the first to come to mind, it is not by any stretch easy to relate) example I can give you is the "shapes" game that I had to play with my uncle when I was very little. He would use brightly colored cut out shapes and lay them down in front of me and then a minute or so later he would set a screen in front of them and tell me to tell him what shapes I saw. Sometimes, he would let me win. Other times though, he would go to great pains to completely undermine my memory of what shapes I saw with horrible punishments if I didn't change my answers to what he wanted them to be. Sometimes, he would move the screen away and the shapes would still be what I initially thought they were but I still had to tell him that I saw the shapes he said that I saw. Sometimes, the shapes would actually be what he said that I saw. If you can't see how this would seriously fuck with a very young child, count yourself lucky I guess. I would certainly rather not have to live with the memories of being sexually and physically tortured as part of his sick little game.

This leads me to the crux of how having a trauma history involving gaslighting can make group dynamics very hard for me. I honestly wish sometimes that we could remove the word "never" from the english language entirely, so that I would not have to ever hear the words "we never do that here" when I've just experienced "us" doing exactly what it is you've just said we never do and have empirical evidence of that fact. It is extremely hurtful to have my memories continually undermined by a group where I am supposed to be safe and valued.

I don't have any quick answers for how to act instead, but I would ask that the next time you find yourself forming a statement like "we never do x" or "x never happened" that you would take a few moments and really think about it and try to find a more affirming way of saying it. I promise, it is possible to communicate that something is not *your* experience without completely discounting *mine*.

Originally posted at PTSDruids. Please leave all comments there.

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I'll spare you my usual attempt to describe the contents. This one was hard to write.

Please leave all comments there.

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Flame, kindled at sacred Kildare,
Kindled now upon my hearth.
Flame on the hearth, illuminate my way.
Driving all shadows from my path.

From threshold to hearth,
To the north and to the south,
To the east and to the west,
Lighting all corners of my home.

Where your light spreads,
May I know peace and warmth.
Driving out all doubt and fear,
Melting away stress and pain.

Brighid, Lady of the Flame,
Whose fires burn on Hearth,
Whose fires burn in the Head,
Whose fires burn in the Forge.

May your fire brightly burn,
Fire kindled in the head,
Illuminating all corners of my mind,
Driving out shadows of pain and fear.

Brighid, Matron, Healer.
May your fires burn ever brightly.
Wrap me in your peace and healing.
Hear this Druid's prayer.

Originally posted at PTSDruids. Please leave all comments there.

This entry was originally posted at http://tanwyn.dreamwidth.org/262263.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

The first in a series inspired by a discussion on the concept of video games as art.



( A lot more under the cutCollapse )View the entire set here.


This entry was originally posted at http://tanwyn.dreamwidth.org/257034.html. Please comment here or there using OpenID.