I have been remembering and reminiscing about who Hannah was so much lately.  The memories flood my heart, soul and mind constantly.  Some days that is good and other days it breaks me.  With every memory comes a moment of clarity when I think I wish I could be more like Hannah.  She seemed to have it all figured out.  She understood things that I don’t.  Her faith was stronger than anyone I have ever known.  She had no fear.  She lived life in the present and perfectly content no matter what she was going through.  She never wished for her life to be different.  She never asked for anything (unless it came to food) and even then, if I said “no” or “not right now” she was okay with that; although I now regret saying no to the foods she wanted so often.

How was she so content?  Her life was nothing but sickness, doctors, hospital stays, a plethora of medications and a routine that would make most people crazy.  How and why did she love people so much; with such compassion, care, empathy and so very deep and unconditionally?  I mean, I can count so many times when people were not nice to her, made fun of her for being “different,” didn’t want to spend time with her and yet, she loved EVERYONE!

How did she forgive so easily?  There were times in our life that I had to ask her to forgive me and she would accept it, hug me and let it go!  She didn’t know what a grudge was, as she never held one.  She didn’t understand evil, sin, disdain, hatred or anything like that.

How did she praise Jesus through it all so unashamedly?  No matter what was happening, no matter what storm He asked her to walk through and difficult journey that she had ahead of her, she praised Him.  On top of that she didn’t care who knew it!  She would raise her arms in church or at a Gaither concert, she would dance, sing and clap for Jesus.  She didn’t care if someone was watching her and judging her or wishing she would sit down, put her arms down and be still.  No, she praised Him no matter who was watching and no matter what she was facing.

I ask those “How” questions knowing the answer…..the answer to all of those questions was God. I truly believe the Holy Spirit was upon Hannah.  You may or may not agree with me, that is fine; but no one will ever convince me that she didn’t have the Holy Spirit.  She had a direct line to the Lord.  She never once hesitated to praise Him, pray to Him, talk about Him and tell me she loved Him (and He loved her).  She had ZERO doubts that God was real.  She had ZERO doubts that Heaven was real.  She had ZERO doubts that she knew she wanted to go to Heaven and live with Jesus.  She knew…..she just knew.

Hannah loved unconditionally

Hannah forgave easily

Hannah praised Jesus unashamedly

Hannah had strong faith and wasn’t scared to share it

I want to be more like Hannah.  I want to love the unlovable.  I want to forgive freely.  I want to praise Jesus unashamedly and I want my faith to be as strong as hers.

Oh Lord, my prayer is that I would be more like Hannah because if I can strive to be more like her that would make me more like you.  In all my life, in all my years, in all the people I have ever known, Hannah was the closest person to being like you that I have ever encountered.  What a privilege it was to see you in her firsthand.  What a gift to know that you allowed me the honor to be her mama.  What a gift you gave me when you gave her to me and what a gift you gave her when you called her home.  I thank you for that privilege and I pray that one day people will look at me and say I have learned to be just like Hannah.  In Jesus Name I Pray, Amen

Until next time……..

Please God, wake me up from this nightmare.  This grief just gets harder!  Isn’t it supposed to get easier?  Why does each day that passes seem to get harder and harder to function?  How long will I have to live without her until you call me home?  I know people survive loss.  I have seen it, but the thought of going years without Hannah when it hasn’t even been 10 months yet, seems impossible.

Day in, day out of grief and sadness that I cannot get relief from is excruciatingly painful.  Life goes on for everyone around me and it is as if my world stopped spinning on March 26th of 2025 and it hasn’t started spinning again.  I go through the motions because it is required of me.  I work, I cook, I clean, I interact with people with a smile on my face but inside I am slowly dying.

My faith tells me He’s got me…..I KNOW that in my heart but my head just can’t wrap around the fact that she is actually gone and never coming back and that I can survive this horrific nightmare.  My devotionals each morning are about Heaven and surviving grief.  I am reading a book right now by Randy Alcorn about Heaven.  My whole thought process is on Heaven and I am so jealous of Heaven and just like Hannah was, I am so ready to get there.  Life is so very hard and every single day is a constant battle of survival compounded with grief and regret.  Grief, that she is gone and regret for not doing more and for taking our life together for granted.  Living life without Hannah has no joy.  Oh I can fake it…..I do, every dang day.  I put on that smile.  I am kind.  I am caring.  I give my all into what I am doing at the moment but inside my heart is shattered and I don’t know how to put it back together.  Hannah was my everything.  She needed me, yes; but I needed her too.  I don’t sleep and when I do, it is nightmare after nightmare which wakes me up.  Medications don’t work for sleep.  In fact the majority of the ones for sleep I have tried have given me insomnia.  I am weary and exhausted and the sadness is truly taking over.

I know this sounds like I am giving up, I am not, I just need to get it out.  My feelings, bottled up inside make it worse.  I also need people to know even though my faith is strong, I am human and the intense grief after a loss like this is all consuming.  The emotions I feel on a daily basis are all over the place but underneath it all is an intense internal sadness that I cannot shake and yes, has gotten worse as the months have passed.  Today, I woke up and the tears haven’t stopped.  Usually on days like this, they don’t stop and I just have to give into it and let them flow.

So, this is me keeping it real…..this is the UGLY part of grief; actually there isn’t any pretty part about it except for the fact that Jesus knows, He understands, He has a plan…..I just wish I was privy to that plan.  I wish I knew that Hannah’s death, my grief and this journey Dennis and I have been asked to walk has good that will come from it.  All I can do is trust, trust the Lord to carry us through this and one day enter into His presence and understand it all.  If you pray, please pray for me today.

Until next time……

I am making this post because I think it is important for people to know that just because a new year has begun, for those of us walking a grief journey, the grief doesn’t end.  In fact, in ways, it gets worse.  We are beginning a new year without our loved one.

I will be honest, I have lost some “friends” recently due to my sad posts on Facebook.  My Facebook once was all about Hannah and happier times (I always kept it real though especially when she got sick); but I shared a lot of good times, humor and fun things.  Since we lost Hannah, my posts have been sad, I admit that; but it is my real life.  My realness and authenticity didn’t change, my circumstances did.  I wish they hadn’t, but they did.  Life is sad, hard and my heart has never been so broken or shattered.  Until you have walked this journey of losing a child, for me, my only child who I spent 19-1/2 years caring for 24/7, you have no clue how I feel.

With that said, I don’t blame people for “unfriending” me or muting me…..I get it, my posts, my blogs, my world is not all rainbows, sunshine and unicorns and never will be again.  If you can’t handle the grief that I share, then by all means don’t read what I write.  I have said so many times that writing is my therapy and that could be in a blog post, a journal, my Facebook status…..it is all therapy; not only for me but hopefully it has been or will be helpful to others walking this same journey.  I also use these platforms to share my faith. I want people to see that God is still good NO MATTER what you face and endure in life.  For me though, my life is forever changed.  It was when Hannah was born and it is again now that she is no longer with me.  I will never stop sharing about Hannah.  I will never stop sharing about my grief; which will be lifelong for me and I will never stop sharing about my faith.  This blog and my Facebook are the way I share my life, my heart and now my grief.

If that is not for you, I get it and I have no ill will if you decide to unfriend or unfollow me.  My life is not for everyone and I do pray that my readers never have to endure what I have since 2023.  The loss of my dad and then my daughter could have done me in…..the devil tried; so far he has failed but it is a daily struggle to keep my head above water, to not cover my head and stay in bed and to not find myself in the bottom of a bottle of alcohol….the struggle for me is real and I am not ashamed to say any of that.  But, for me, God’s power, His grace, His promises and His mercy is stronger than anything the devil can throw at me.  THAT is the reason I am surviving and the Lord gets all the glory for that.  So, if my story, if my life, if my grief, if my journey is not your cup of tea, it is okay.  All I ask is that you show me the grace I show people each and everyday…..leave quietly and please don’t judge me until you have walked in my shoes.  My shoes are way too big for me to fill without Jesus.  I guarantee you that if you walked in my shoes you would see you couldn’t do it without Him either.

God bless each of you, take care and I will be writing more this year.  God has called me to share His love, mercy, peace and grace with you all and to share this journey of faith and grief as I walk it.  If you want to walk it with me, I welcome you and I am thankful.

Because she would love you, I do too……

Until next time…….

I am not good at this….life without my sweet girl is harder and more devastating than I can put into words.  I have said so many times that life is a lot less joyful and the day-to-day stressors seem harder.  Some days I just want to stay in bed and cry.  I don’t, but it doesn’t mean I haven’t been tempted to.

Here we are at the end of 2025.  I have now lived 9 months without Hannah.  9 VERY LONG months of grief, heartache and sadness.  My heart aches and my soul is restless.  I am not certain any of those feelings will ever go away.  Tomorrow I step into a new year and yet the same grief that I have carried since March will come with me.  The same loss, the same heartache, the same sadness won’t disappear just because 2025 has ended and 2026 will begin.  None of my heartache will end because a year has gone and a new one has come.

I find myself so many times each day thinking about Hannah and how much joy she had despite her circumstances.  She was so content no matter what life threw at her.  She smiled through pain.  She laughed in sickness.  She was content in every circumstance she found herself in whether that was in her playroom, in the hospital, at the doctor, in church, in the bathroom…..it didn’t matter, she was content and happy and JOYFUL!  Oh how I wish I could be more like Hannah was.  How I wish I could be happy, content and JOYFUL in my circumstances.  Yes, I do smile at times and I do laugh; but true joy and contentment is nowhere to be found.  The things I used to find joy and contentment in are gone…..those things, for the most part, were because of Hannah.  She radiated joy, happiness and contentment and it was contagious.  I wish I could be more like her.

I feel myself, at times wanting to be alone.  I find my most sacred and precious moments when I am alone and allowed to just be still and think about Hannah.  The tears can fall freely with no judgment from anyone.  I don’t have to pretend or put on a fake happy face like I do so often.  I can just be real and authentic and grieve.  I can shed tears that no one but Jesus sees.  I can talk to The Lord and ask Him why and then in the same breath tell Him I know I won’t get that answer here on earth and to please hug my baby for me and tell her how much her mama loves her, misses her and can’t wait to be with her again for all eternity.  Being alone is safe.  Just like my safe place used to be here at home with Hannah, now it is being alone.  I am not saying that to take away from Dennis, as he is my safe place too but we are both grieving and sometimes grieving alone allows you to let it all out without your spouse worrying about you.  We both are grieving together yet also in our own ways, we grieve apart.  For me, I need that.  He and I have both said that we can be in the same room together or in a room full of people and still feel so alone.  That type of loneliness only God can fill, no-one else can.

So, as we close the door to 2025, I know nothing will change as we welcome in 2026.  I know in a few days on my 54th birthday I won’t hear “Happy Birthday mommy, I love you so much all of my heart.”  I won’t hear, “Let’s open presents and eat cake.”  I won’t hear my sweet girl sing the Happy Birthday song about 27 times.  I won’t get big warm hugs and kisses and I won’t be able to hold her.  In a few days, I will sit and remember all that my birthday used to be and know that I will never experience that again.  It breaks my heart into a billion pieces.  I do know this……for 19-1/2 years I had the privilege of celebrating new years and birthdays with the most precious girl that was ever born and I will hold tight to those memories for the rest of my life.

To all of my friends and family, I wish you a safe and Happy New Year.  My prayer is, probably unlike many, but I pray Jesus returns to call us home in 2026!  That will make it a HAPPY NEW YEAR for me.

My whole world……

Until next time……..

We haven’t decorated this Christmas.  The only thing Dennis did was hang our wreaths on the front of the door.  No lights, no yard decorations and nothing on the inside that resembles Christmas.  We aren’t being scrooges; we just can’t do it this year.  Christmas was all about Hannah.  Most of the ornaments we have for our tree are about her and were geared toward her for 19 years.  Her first Christmas, all the Elmo, Disney and Buccee Beaver ornaments; not to mention the ones she made.  We had lights everywhere inside.  On the tree, on the mantle, on the dining room table and living room coffee table because she loved them.  I shopped until I dropped every year and enjoyed wrapping each gift and the best part was watching her open each of those gifts on Christmas Day.  She would see the presents under the tree and point and say, “For Hannah!”  Watching Christmas through the eyes of your child is magical.  She loved Santa Clause and looked forward to seeing him every year and having her picture made with him.  These were some of my favorite pictures from 2019:

We are still going to celebrate our Savior’s birth and we are going to go to church for our Christmas Eve service.  We have bought a few gifts to give friends but what I want for Christmas, Jesus has and He gets to keep her.  I want Hannah back so desperately.  In fact, I have been somewhat demanding at times that God needs to give her back to me, but I know that is irrational in thought and even more irrational to ask.  Sadly, it hasn’t kept me from begging Him for that GIFT!  I know the only way I am going to be with Hannah again is when He calls me home and frankly He can do it right now as I type this and I would be perfectly fine with that.  I know I have to wait, (doesn’t mean I like it though).

So, what I want I cannot have, but if I were to ask for one more thing it would be this:

I want YOU…..my family, my friends, my readers to KNOW the JESUS I know!  I want you to experience HIM….the gift of His love, His salvation, His grace, His mercy, His peace and the HOPE that can only come from Him.  If I could have one wish besides the one I know I cannot have, it would be for you to KNOW Jesus.

John 3:16 says: “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in Him, should not perish but have everlasting life.” 

Jesus was born for a reason…..that reason was to die so we could live.  He paid the ultimate price for our sins and all He asks is for us to believe and accept His free gift of salvation.

Romans 10:9 says: “That if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.”

That is all you have to do…..confess and believe.  FAITH, HOPE, LOVE…..Faith in the unseen, hope in His promise and abiding and abounding love that He gives freely.  I am so thankful for that faith, hope and love.  I cling to it now more than ever and I want everyone to experience it.  I can guarantee you that without Christ, I am not sure where I would be right now.  There is no way I would be able to get out of bed each day if I didn’t KNOW Jesus and KNOW that His promises are true.

I miss my baby more than I can even put into words and I wouldn’t wish this NIGHTMARE on anyone; but I am thankful for a Savior who goes before me, who loves me, who sustains me and who promises me eternity with Him and a sweet reunion one day with my precious Hannah.  Clinging to His promises every second of every single day!

Pictures of Hannah’s baptism on December 24, 2024…..who knew we only had 3 months left with her…….

Loving on her best friend Dr B prior to the baptism

The moment Dr B asked Hannah if she loved Jesus.  Her fact lit up and she said, “YES!”  Her smile said it all……

Merry Christmas!

Until next time…….

I haven’t been able to write lately.  First because I am so busy and second because the grief has hit me like a tsunami all over again.  It has knocked me off of my feet, taken me under, knocked the breath out of me and has tried repeatedly to drown me.  The grief is something I will have for the rest of my life and compound that with life, working, other struggles and complications all added to that profound grief and that tsunami keeps on coming.  I literally, today, decided to force myself to sit down and write.  The words aren’t flowing as they normally do and I feel so lost at the moment.

I have changed drastically in the past 8 months.  Some of it might be considered good changes, some of it, sadly is not.  Some of the things I have noticed are:

• I cannot be around crying or screaming children.  It does something to me.  I am not sure what it is but I have to get away ASAP.  In a restaurant, out shopping, even hearing it on TV; I just cannot handle it.
• I used to have a ton of patience.  Now, my patience, especially for certain things is non-existent.  I cannot handle random strangers coming up to me and chatting.  This has happened a few times at church or the store and I cannot deal.  I know the look on my face is “I need to get out of here” and I try so hard to smile and be kind but that fight or flight kicks in and I have to scurry quickly before I explode.  I don’t want to be rude but I just can’t carry on conversations like I used to with people I don’t know well.  I also have no patience or tolerance for pettiness or whining.  I just cannot deal.
• I have compassion for some things, but not for other things.  For example, I feel with and for anyone who loses a loved one.  My heart aches for and with them and I can immediately have sympathy.  I have ZERO compassion for people who have children but don’t want to raise them, love them, nurture them and make them a priority.  I struggle with the fact that so many people think children are a commodity instead of a responsibility.  You only have 18 years to really spend with your children.  Make the most of it, cherish them, love them and teach them how to be responsible, kind and loving adults.  You will have time after they are out of your house to live for yourself.
• I love differently….when your heart shatters into a billion pieces, you never completely put it back together.  The biggest part of my heart and my love is gone as it belonged to Hannah.  I don’t have near as much love to give as I once did.  It is just what happens, or at least what happened to me.
• I look at the world differently….I am a little jaded, I suppose.  I don’t see a world that has anything for me.  I still see God’s beautiful creation but all I think about is how much more beautiful Heaven must be and try to picture what Hannah is experiencing.  It is all I long for, to be with her and experience eternity.  I also cannot handle crowds…..the world has become too peoplely for me.
• I look at life differently…….I see sadness, I see heartache, I see grief and I see loneliness.  I do feel joy, but it isn’t what it used to be.  I do feel happiness but again, not the same level of happiness as it once was.  Life now doesn’t have the same excitement, enjoyment, achievements or purpose as it did when Hannah was here.
• I laugh differently…..it isn’t as loud, as deep or as genuine.  I can still laugh but a lot of the time it is to hide the pain.  It is so much easier to hide the pain than to be vulnerable and show it.
• I look at death differently…..this one has been hard.  The finality of it hit after my dad passed away in August of 2023, but that hit a different level of finality when I lost Hannah.  With dad, he was 83 years old.  He had lived a good, Godly, well meaning life.  As sad as I was when God called him home, he lived a life of purpose everyday and he lived it to the fullest.  With Hannah, she was 19-1/2 years old.  Her life was full of hardship, sickness, disease, hospital stays, doctor appointments, medications, surgeries and procedures.  She still lived her life with joy, purpose, meaning and happiness but it was too short; especially for this grieving mama.  The finality of death is hard in any circumstance; but the death of your child, it takes that to a whole new level.
• My purpose is unclear……this is my biggest obstacle.  For 19-1/2 years I knew what my purpose on earth was.  I knew what my daily routine was going to be each day.  On March 26th all of that changed and it has left me in the biggest limbo of my life.  I am not sure what I am supposed to be doing and for someone who has lived each day with purpose, routine and structure for 19-12/ years this is extremely hard for me and has been detrimental to my mental wellbeing.
• Tears come much easier…..a song on the radio, a memory, a picture, a smell, a store (especially Buccee’s, Chick-Fil-A and Starbucks).  Let’s not even talk about Publix when I see the apple juice, applesauce, prune juice, veggie straws, yogurt and Almond milk.  Not ONE SINGLE day has gone by since she has been gone where I haven’t shed tears over missing her.  I know I have literally cried a river or 2 and in all honesty I wonder if I will ever have a day where the tears don’t fall.

I am a little sadder, a little more indifferent, a little less patient, a little more jaded, a little more resistant to being around people and I little lonelier.  Maybe this doesn’t go for everyone but I know, for me, this is what I have and continue to experience.  I know we all grieve differently and I keep telling myself there is no timetable or scale for grief.  I hate everything about death and grief.  My arms ache to hold Hannah.  I want to hug her, kiss her and hold her so desperately.  The thought of never getting to do that again this side of Heaven knocks the breath out of me.  I cannot fathom living life without her for years.  Eight months has already been too long.  I miss her sweet little voice telling me “It will be okay mommy, ready for Heaven.”  Oh, how I miss her and the ONLY thing keeping me going is my faith that God promises that one day in the sweet by and by I will meet her and Jesus on that beautiful shore……

There’s a land that is fairer than day,
And by faith we can see it afar;
For the Father waits over the way
To prepare us a dwelling place there.

Refrain:
In the sweet by and by,
We shall meet on that beautiful shore;
In the sweet by and by,
We shall meet on that beautiful shore.

We shall sing on that beautiful shore
The melodious songs of the blessed;
And our spirits shall sorrow no more,
Not a sigh for the blessing of rest.

To our bountiful Father above,
We will offer our tribute of praise
For the glorious gift of His love
And the blessings that hallow our days.

Until that day, all I can do is try and adapt to this new season (sleep would help….still can’t sleep more than about 4 hours each night), accept the things I cannot change about it and cling to the ONE who will carry me through.  All I can do is pray that in some way, somehow, He will heal my heart, if for no other reason than to help others through their own horrific journey of loss…..the most unimaginable pain any mom can bear.

Until next time……

Some days I feel like a fraud.  I can fake that smile, fake that laugh and fake joy like nobody’s business.  It is easier.  It is easier than saying “I am not okay.”  It is easier than having people worry about you.  It is easier than crying in front of others.  It is easier to appear fine instead of admitting you aren’t.

7 LONG months ago today I hugged, kissed and held Hannah for the last time.  I was forced to say goodbye.  The tears that stung my eyes on March 26th continue to sting my eyes today.  The intense pain that ripped my heart to pieces is still there with the pieces still shattered.  The loss that took my breath away continues, and I would say it is just as difficult to breathe today as it was then.  The crushing and breaking of my spirit still feels the heavy burden of weight today as well.  Yes, I fake it.  I fake the smiles you see. I fake the laugh you hear and I fake the joy that I can somehow, on some days exude.

The crushing weight of grief hasn’t left, it has grown more intense as the days have come and gone.  I lie a lot……if you ask me if I am okay and I tell you I am, I am lying to you.  Lying beats the “deer in the headlight” looks I get.  Lying is easier.  Lying keeps me from having to talk about my feelings.  Lying protects me.  So, yes…..I have lied and I have faked all my emotions throughout this 7 month grief journey.  Fact is, I probably always will.

My eyes still burn everyday from the tears I shed.   My heart still is so heavy and shattered.  My soul can’t find peace and my body cannot find rest.  I try and fill every second of every day with something.  I have my plate so full that I admitted to Dennis the other day that I know I am doing too much.  I know eventually I will break but I can’t stop, I have to keep going.  I am burning my candles at both ends because if I do that, when I do get in bed each night, I crash and don’t lay there for hours thinking.  Plus I know, I will only sleep about 2-3 hours before I wake up multiple times and rest doesn’t come.  I find myself unable to pray sometimes.  All I can say is, “Lord forgive me, you know my heart and I have no words.”  I am a shell of the person I once was and NOTHING and NO ONE can help me.

I am so extremely LONELY.  I can be in a room full of people and I can literally feel all alone.  I can be with Dennis, my mom, my best friends, my co-workers, a classroom full of kids and loneliness engulfs me!

Perhaps none of the above I have talked about makes any sense to you and if that is the case, thank God you don’t understand me.  I am fairly confident that those who have lost a child, a spouse, a sibling or a parent can understand to some degree what I am saying.  I know we all grieve differently.  Dennis and I grieve differently.  At times we grieve together and other times we grieve alone.  I have learned there is no right or wrong way to grieve.  I have learned there is no place where grief can’t hit you and I have learned it can happen out of the blue; with no warning and sometimes it is in a room surrounded by people.  Grief has no mercy and it doesn’t care if you are alone or with others.  It doesn’t care if you are driving down the road, walking through the grocery store or in front of a class of kids teaching.  Grief is relentless.  Grief is hard.  Grief is lonely.  Grief takes your breath away.  Grief sucks.  Grief is forever.

BUT GOD……He is the ONLY reason I am vertical.  He is the only reason I take steps forward each day.  He is the only reason I get up out of bed.  He is the only reason I exercise.  He is the only reason I work.  He is the only reason I can be in social settings.  He is the only reason I am not in the bottom of a vodka bottle and He is the only reason I KNOW I can get through this.  It might not be pretty and I might cry a lot; but because of Him, because of His promise of Heaven and because I know He has my baby and they are waiting for me together….I can persevere.

So, if you are walking in my same shoes now or perhaps one day you will…..PRESS ON, HOLD ON, TRUST JESUS through the tears, the grief, the pain, the valley and the intense weight of all you lost and KNOW this…..He has you, He is fighting for you, He has a reason for your pain, He has a reason for your suffering and ONE day in the sweet by and by He will call you home and ALL will be “right as rain” for eternity.  Until then……keep going.  If I can do it, I know you can.

These pictures all hang in my home…….they are reminders that Jesus has my baby and they are together until He calls me home and I can have Hannah back in my arms forever!

Until next time….

Grief is hard.  Grief is at times unbearable.  Grief comes in waves.  Grief has no timeline.  Grief is horrific.  Grief changes you forever.  Grief is loud.  Grief is relentless.  Grief affects every aspect of your life.  Grief is the reminder that nothing will ever be the same again.  Grief can paralyze you.  Grief steals joy.  Grief makes you long for eternity.  Grief can put you in a pit of despair.  Grief is debilitating.  Grief is forever…….

Grief has shown me many things, like the ones I mentioned above.  I have said many times that if it were not for my FAITH in God who loves me, sees me, knows me, holds me, sustains me and has a plan for whatever we go through I would not be functioning at all.  Losing Hannah has been the hardest thing I have ever endured and trust me, I have endured a lot in my 53 years.  A failed marriage, betrayal, the death of friends, family and loved ones.  Losing my dad in 2023 I thought was the worst thing I would ever endure; but as much as I love and miss him, losing Hannah shattered me.  Losing Hannah has almost broken me completely.  I function only because God is sustaining me and I am doing the work to press on.  I absolutely refuse to give into my grief.  I cannot quit on myself even though at times I want to.  I KNOW that through this God has a plan; I can’t fathom what that plan is and I honestly wish His plan could be done without Him having to take my baby from me.  All I know is that one day, probably in eternity, He will reveal His reason and why He took her home at such a young age.

The past few weeks have been especially hard for me.  I don’t sleep and I am doing everything I can to fill each hour of every day.  I am probably going to crash and burn eventually but I have no choice but to press on, stay busy and pray that God will continue to sustain me.  My days start between 4-4:30am (if you know me, you know I have never been a morning person) and I go non-stop until 9pm.  Staying busy and keeping my mind occupied are the only ways I can function without sitting in my grief, feeling all the feels and sobbing.

There is so much I miss about Hannah and our life before God called her home.  I miss just being still with her.  I miss being home all day taking care of her.  I miss her smile, laughter, sparkling eyes, funny personality and her joy.  I miss reading to her, sitting on the potty with her, bathing her, holding her, kissing her, hugging her, holding her hand and all the “warm hugs” I would get all day long.  I miss making her favorite things to eat and taking her to her favorite places.  I miss hearing “Thank you for food mommy, thank you for clean laundry, thank you for clean floors and clean bathroom, thank you for new toys and new books.”  I miss all her little sayings and listening to her sing and watching her dance to her favorite music.  I miss her and I miss everything she did and said.  I miss our life together and there is a big part of me that would do anything to have it all back, even for just one day.

Dennis and I are doing a program at our church called Re-Engage.  It is for couples who need to find connection again.  Some may be having trouble in their marriage or those like us who are learning to reconnect after years of marriage and some neglect.  Dennis and I will both agree that we neglected each other for 19-1/2 years because Hannah needed us 100% of the time and much more than we needed each other.  Now, in this new season we are learning what it is like to just be the two of us again.  This past week in our homework for Re-Engage, the lesson was on forgiveness and making amends.  Dennis wrote in his notebook the most profound thing and something I wanted to share.  Regarding forgiveness/amends he wrote……”Be more like Hannah.”

That hit me hard.  You see, Hannah taught us so much and if we could be more like Hannah we would:

1.  Love Jesus
2. Love people
3. Forgive easily
4. Respect authority
5. Worship wholly
6. Not care what people thought about us
7. Be patient, kind, loving and thoughtful
8. Be humble
9. Respect others
10. Find joy in ALL circumstances
11. Rejoice in ALL circumstances
12. Have faith
13. Pray without ceasing
14. Give willingly, sacrificing ourselves and doing for others
15. Live like each day was our last
16. Long for Heaven
17. Accept God’s plan
18. Live for Jesus
19. Encourage others
20. Share our faith

I could write more, but if we were all more like Hannah, we would be happier, the world would be kinder and others would see Jesus in us.  I want to be more like Hannah.  In doing so, I will be more like Jesus and that is my ultimate goal.

I am not on social media much anymore and I don’t post much, like I used to.  Frankly, I am too busy, but in all reality, there isn’t much to share.  My reason for sharing ended on March 26, 2025 and life took on a whole new and really sad existence.  Keeping it real…..I am doing my best to find joy.  I am doing my best to point others to Jesus. I am doing my best to just get through each day.  I know the Lord is sustaining me; but the sadness I feel on a daily basis is horrific.  How Hannah did it, how she found joy and happiness in the smallest of things amazes me and I try each day to find that.  I seem to fail at it a lot but I won’t stop trying to be more like her.

My greatest gift and biggest blessing in life was the privilege I had to be her mom.  Our time together was cut way too short, if you ask me; but God gave me the most incredible gift when He allowed me the privilege of being Hannah’s mom.  I would do anything to turn back the hands of time and do it all again.  I would do anything to erase the past nearly 7 months and have one last day with her.  I can’t, but I can try and work really hard to live like Hannah did; that is my goal.

If you don’t know Jesus, please reach out to me.  Let me tell you about Him and how He will sustain you, carry you, love you and see you through life’s most tragic circumstances.  I know because I am living it.

Until next time…….

A real and honest post…..

Yesterday as I walked out of work, I barely made it to my truck without breaking down in sobs.  The whole drive home I sobbed and prayed.  You see, as much as I love my two jobs the reality of it all, is that my life has completely changed in 6 months and the problem with that is ALL I LONG to do is take care of Hannah.  Nothing and no one can fill this empty void in my life.  It hit me like a ton of bricks on my way home yesterday.  I try so hard to hide my emotions from everyone; but yesterday as I pulled into my garage and walked into the basement, my sweet mama just held me and let me cry.  Dennis heard me come home and ran downstairs and then he just held me and let me cry some more.  I have never asked God why He chose to take Hannah, although I have wondered.  I don’t know and I will never understand this side of Heaven.  I just know that my heart is shattered and nothing and no one can put it back together.  I mean, God can glue the pieces of my heart together but the scars, the longing, the aching, the brokenness will always be a part of me.  I think I am finally understanding that I am forever changed and my heart will never be healed completely after losing her.

I am thankful for my 2 jobs right now.  I am working at our church part-time and I am still subbing when they need me.  I know I don’t have to work and I have had people ask me why I am working.  There are 2 reasons for that.  One, I had too much time on my hands and being idle is not in my DNA.  I can’t sit around and do nothing.  I need to be busy, keep my mind occupied and fill my days with anything that keeps me focused on things other than my grief.  The other thing is I believe in working to make myself better and help others.  I look at both of these jobs as a ministry.  I get to work behind the scenes at my church using skills God gave me 35 years ago to be a part of possibly leading others to Christ.  I get to pour into Young Adults and minister to them and do life with them.  I also get to pour into middle and high school kids at school; sharing my faith and having a small opportunity to pour Jesus into them.  So, to answer the question as to why I am working, there it is.  God has blessed me with 2 phenomenal opportunities that I am so very thankful for.  BUT, there is the aching in my heart that tells me I wouldn’t be living this life I am now if I still had my baby.  I would do ANYTHING to have her back, be here at home and taking care of her 24/7.  God didn’t see fit to allow me that privilege but He has seen fit to help me get through this horrific loss and pain by giving me others to pour into.  For that I am thankful.

Grief is a difficult journey.  It comes in waves.  Some days those waves are tiny and other days, like yesterday it was like a tsunami hit and I almost drowned under it.  I will never stop missing Hannah.  Her legacy will live on though and I will see to that.  On top of my 2 jobs I am writing her story.  Actually, she and the Lord wrote it, I just have the privilege of putting pen to paper.  One day, I pray to publish it so others can see and understand the blessing Hannah was and the extreme honor it was to be her mom.  I miss being her mom here on earth.  I miss EVERYTHING about her; but I do hold to the promise that she is whole, healed and happy all the time and one sweet day I will hold her again.

One sweet day I will hold her again

Until next time……..

Dear Hannah,

Today is September 26th……6 months since you met Jesus and left our hearts shattered.

The 26th of every month will be a harsh reality that you are gone.  In some ways I cannot believe we have already lived 6 months without you as I thought I would never survive one single day at the beginning.  In other ways, it feels like you have been gone 6 years.  I wish I could say it has gotten easier, but it really hasn’t.  We have made ourselves stay busy so we don’t just sit in our grief and dwell on how much we miss you, but every day we are reminded by the quietness of the house and the loss of your infectious joy and laughter that you are no longer here with us.

I know how ready you were for Heaven with Jesus and Boompa and I would like to think that the moment you took your last breath here on earth that was the very moment you were running with open arms to Jesus and Boompa (I do hope you hugged Jesus first).  I know you would tell us all the time that in Heaven “we would be happy all the time.”  I am sure you are living that reality and you wouldn’t come back here if you could.  I know, there is a part of my heart that is happy you will never have to endure life in this evil world.  You will never again know how hateful and evil people can be.  You will never have to worry about tomorrow as your today, your tomorrow and your eternity is sealed with Christ and you are living it.  You will never again have to feel pain, or be sick, or have surgery.  You, my sweet girl are WHOLE AND HEALED!  I Praise Jesus for that.  Here comes that BUT though…..I miss you and your daddy misses you.  We have yet to have a day where we haven’t shed tears since losing you, as we feel your loss every single second of every single day.  Our world became a little sadder, a little darker, a little less exciting when God called you home.  A lot has changed.  Mama is working now but only because if I sit at home all I do is think about you, I just sit in my grief and I cry.  So, I now have 2 jobs by choice.  I would do anything to be home all day long with you again, but that isn’t possible so I had to do something.  I am also spending time writing your story.  I pray to be able to publish it one day as I want the world to know all about you and the love you had for Jesus and the lessons you taught me.  Daddy misses you too.  My heart breaks for him even more than me.  You see, sweet girl…..I never missed a single second with you but daddy, because he had to work so hard for me to stay home with you, he missed a lot and he has so many regrets about that.  I have told him he did what God asked of him; but I know it is hard on him.  He misses holding your hand, reading your bedtime story, saying your prayers and tucking you into bed every night.  We both neither one realized the ABSOLUTE JOY you were until that JOY was snatched from us.  I am not sure we will ever feel that kind of joy again until God calls us home and you are back in our arms for all eternity.

I hope you will be proud of us.  Mine and daddy’s only goal in life now is to point people to Jesus.  I wish it had been my goal for my entire life, but you taught me nothing is more important than Jesus, our faith and eternity in Heaven.  YOU taught your mama more about Jesus and faith than anyone ever has.

There is a song I am clinging to and I know you would have loved it.  It is called, “I Believe You” by Megan Woods.  It is a beautiful song and one that resonates with me so much since losing you.

I love you all of my heart,

Mommy

Until next time……