Lily is going to be a big sister. This sibling will arrive via and be raised by Lily's first parents, Fiona and Nate. It will be their second child.
I believe I was the first person Fiona told about her pregnancy. She told me very early on, and she has kept me very well posted about her pregnancy. While I love Fiona and the closeness of our relationship, hearing the details of this pregnancy has been hard for me. For many reasons.
Of all the dynamics in open adoption, this is the one I've struggled with the most. While almost six years have passed since Fiona and Nate placed Lily with us, many of the circumstances that led them to place have not changed. I assumed Fiona and Nate would go on to have more children (either together or with other partners), but I always hoped that their life situations would be different than they were when Lily was born, giving Lily a clear understanding of why she was placed and her sibling(s) were not.
Lily knows about the baby, as does Ferb. Ferb is VERY excited. We've decided that he will be an honorary big brother to this baby. Lily has not shown much of a reaction to the baby - good or bad. She has suggested a few very cute baby names, and she grasps the concept that this will be her sibling, but this sibling will not live with us. When it comes to adoption-related issues, Lily is always very matter-of-fact about everything. I give her lots of room to share and express her feelings, but she says very little. Looking at her, I think she is processing, but it's just not something she wants to talk about. At least not now.
I haven't quite figured out what my relationship will be with this baby, this baby that may look very much like my daughter. I am worried for Fiona and Nate, and for their baby. I want so much for them to succeed as a family, and I wonder what if anything I should (or could) do to make that happen. I just don't know.
Monday, October 20, 2014
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
"Generation Cryo" and the Significance of Biology
While searching for something to watch after all of my favorite winter finales concluded, I came across a six-part documentary on MTV called "Generation Cryo." This series follows one teenage girl, Bree, in her quest to find her sperm donor. In the process, she meets and forms relationships with more than a dozen half-siblings conceived with the same donor sperm.
I often wonder what my daughter (now four) and the multitude of other kids being raised in very open adoptions will say about their experiences when they are old enough to express themselves. If parents who used donor sperm wondered this same thing 20 years ago, many of their questions are answered by the teens and young adults in "Generation Cryo." The 12+ offspring of this particular donor express a range of emotions and opinions related to being conceived with donor sperm, and many of these issues are faced by those in the adoption community. There's a donor triad just like there's an adoption triad, and we each have different experiences, expectations, fears, anxieties, and so forth. As an adoptive parent in a very open adoption, I found this show incredibly interesting.
While a few of the kids were very eager to find the donor and learn more about him, other cringed at the idea -- it clearly made them very uncomfortable. Some kids seemed to have animosity toward the donor, as if he had done something to hurt them. Others seemed interested in learning more, but they were clearly worried that their curiosity would hurt their parents, particularly their fathers.
The reactions among the adults varied as well. One father was openly against his kids finding out about the donor, saying that it was a slap in his face - an outright betrayal - and something he never wanted to happen. He didn't want the donor in their lives, and he wasn't even thrilled with the idea of the half siblings coming into their lives. He said that wasn't his idea of "family." From his perspective, this issue was about HIM, and not about his kids. He said many times that he was not open to "sharing" his kids.
It was really interesting watching the relationships between the half siblings develop. Some of them had such instant and strong connections ... the shared DNA could not be denied. They were all incredibly supportive of one another, even if they had different opinions about whether they should pursue a relationship with the donor.
Recently, I've had conversations with a few adoptive parents or people close to adoption, and they have all downplayed the importance of biology. Just like one of the fathers in "Generation Cryo," these people believe that biology is meaningless and not something we should concern ourselves with. (None of them are adoptees, but they all told me they know adoptees who feel this way. Hmm.) Yet as my daughter gets older, I see how much her DNA makes her who she is. As close as we are with her first family, I know she's not picking up their personalities because we spend time with them. Her disposition, her attitude, her likes and dislikes, her sense of humor, her way of dealing with the ups and downs of life ... for the most part, these things were programmed inside of her before she was even born. I don't think I would have realized this if I hadn't gotten to know her birth family so well. If I knew them only casually, I don't think I would have picked up on the nuances in the ways my daughter is so much like her first parents. I absolutely think that our environment plays a role in who we become, but there's no way I can deny that DNA is some strong stuff.
As "generation cryo" comes of age, I hope these kids seek out people in the adoption community who have been saying for years that it is okay to be curious about your biology and to want to know more. It's okay to crave a connection with people who share your biology - it's a natural urge. It's not a betrayal of the parents who raised you to seek a connection with those who gave you life.
I think anyone involved in adoption would get a lot out of "Generation Cryo." It certainly resonated with me.
I often wonder what my daughter (now four) and the multitude of other kids being raised in very open adoptions will say about their experiences when they are old enough to express themselves. If parents who used donor sperm wondered this same thing 20 years ago, many of their questions are answered by the teens and young adults in "Generation Cryo." The 12+ offspring of this particular donor express a range of emotions and opinions related to being conceived with donor sperm, and many of these issues are faced by those in the adoption community. There's a donor triad just like there's an adoption triad, and we each have different experiences, expectations, fears, anxieties, and so forth. As an adoptive parent in a very open adoption, I found this show incredibly interesting.
While a few of the kids were very eager to find the donor and learn more about him, other cringed at the idea -- it clearly made them very uncomfortable. Some kids seemed to have animosity toward the donor, as if he had done something to hurt them. Others seemed interested in learning more, but they were clearly worried that their curiosity would hurt their parents, particularly their fathers.
The reactions among the adults varied as well. One father was openly against his kids finding out about the donor, saying that it was a slap in his face - an outright betrayal - and something he never wanted to happen. He didn't want the donor in their lives, and he wasn't even thrilled with the idea of the half siblings coming into their lives. He said that wasn't his idea of "family." From his perspective, this issue was about HIM, and not about his kids. He said many times that he was not open to "sharing" his kids.
It was really interesting watching the relationships between the half siblings develop. Some of them had such instant and strong connections ... the shared DNA could not be denied. They were all incredibly supportive of one another, even if they had different opinions about whether they should pursue a relationship with the donor.
Recently, I've had conversations with a few adoptive parents or people close to adoption, and they have all downplayed the importance of biology. Just like one of the fathers in "Generation Cryo," these people believe that biology is meaningless and not something we should concern ourselves with. (None of them are adoptees, but they all told me they know adoptees who feel this way. Hmm.) Yet as my daughter gets older, I see how much her DNA makes her who she is. As close as we are with her first family, I know she's not picking up their personalities because we spend time with them. Her disposition, her attitude, her likes and dislikes, her sense of humor, her way of dealing with the ups and downs of life ... for the most part, these things were programmed inside of her before she was even born. I don't think I would have realized this if I hadn't gotten to know her birth family so well. If I knew them only casually, I don't think I would have picked up on the nuances in the ways my daughter is so much like her first parents. I absolutely think that our environment plays a role in who we become, but there's no way I can deny that DNA is some strong stuff.
As "generation cryo" comes of age, I hope these kids seek out people in the adoption community who have been saying for years that it is okay to be curious about your biology and to want to know more. It's okay to crave a connection with people who share your biology - it's a natural urge. It's not a betrayal of the parents who raised you to seek a connection with those who gave you life.
I think anyone involved in adoption would get a lot out of "Generation Cryo." It certainly resonated with me.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Sister Moms
I haven't been motivated to write for a while. Our open adoption has become so "normal" to me that I feel less and less motivated to write about it. I'm still an avid reader of open adoption blogs, and they keep me thinking and exploring and (hopefully) preparing me to deal with issues that may arise as Lily gets older.
We recently got together to celebrate Lily's paternal grandmother's birthday, and after the meal, Lily, Fiona, and I walked with Fiona to her place of employment. (Her shift was starting shortly.) We walked down the street, the three of us hand in hand, Lily in the middle, talking about things going on in our lives. When we walked into the place where Fiona works, people smiled and said hello. Many of them know who we are. Lily and I hugged Fiona good-bye and then continued with our plans of the day.
On that day, it hit me again how close Fiona and I have become over the last few years. It feels like we're soul sisters, kindred spirits ... we call each other "sister moms." And when we walk hand in hand with Lily, the best word I can use to describe how I feel is "complete" -- three pieces of a puzzle joined together.
Rebecca Hawkes (one of my favorite bloggers) recently wrote about the fact that ultimately, her daughter will be the one who decides whether Rebecca (her adoptive mother) "hit the mark" in terms of the way in which she handled her open adoption. Rebecca also has a very close relationship with her daughter's first mother. I also read a recent post by Amber, another one of my favorites, who also is very close with her son's first mother. Amber wrote about how an adoption agency told them to "tone down" how open her open adoption is when she and her son's first mother spoke to prospective adoptive parents. I'm fairly certain our adoption agency will never ask me and/or Fiona to speak to anyone (as we'd give them a terrible review), but no doubt we'd be asked to do the same thing if we were invited to speak. I could hear them telling us, "Don't mention that Fiona lived with you guys for a couple of months."
So today I'm writing as yet another voice in the "very open adoption movement" who also believes that Lily has the final say in how this relationship between me and Fiona affects her, and that I will not "tone down" our closeness to make anyone else feel more comfortable. Because my closeness with Fiona and Nate and both of their extended families makes many people feel uncomfortable. And after four plus years, I'm finally starting not to care. That's their problem, not mine.
We recently got together to celebrate Lily's paternal grandmother's birthday, and after the meal, Lily, Fiona, and I walked with Fiona to her place of employment. (Her shift was starting shortly.) We walked down the street, the three of us hand in hand, Lily in the middle, talking about things going on in our lives. When we walked into the place where Fiona works, people smiled and said hello. Many of them know who we are. Lily and I hugged Fiona good-bye and then continued with our plans of the day.
On that day, it hit me again how close Fiona and I have become over the last few years. It feels like we're soul sisters, kindred spirits ... we call each other "sister moms." And when we walk hand in hand with Lily, the best word I can use to describe how I feel is "complete" -- three pieces of a puzzle joined together.
Rebecca Hawkes (one of my favorite bloggers) recently wrote about the fact that ultimately, her daughter will be the one who decides whether Rebecca (her adoptive mother) "hit the mark" in terms of the way in which she handled her open adoption. Rebecca also has a very close relationship with her daughter's first mother. I also read a recent post by Amber, another one of my favorites, who also is very close with her son's first mother. Amber wrote about how an adoption agency told them to "tone down" how open her open adoption is when she and her son's first mother spoke to prospective adoptive parents. I'm fairly certain our adoption agency will never ask me and/or Fiona to speak to anyone (as we'd give them a terrible review), but no doubt we'd be asked to do the same thing if we were invited to speak. I could hear them telling us, "Don't mention that Fiona lived with you guys for a couple of months."
So today I'm writing as yet another voice in the "very open adoption movement" who also believes that Lily has the final say in how this relationship between me and Fiona affects her, and that I will not "tone down" our closeness to make anyone else feel more comfortable. Because my closeness with Fiona and Nate and both of their extended families makes many people feel uncomfortable. And after four plus years, I'm finally starting not to care. That's their problem, not mine.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Gaining a Family
About a week after we picked up Lily from the hospital, we got a call from the agency social worker who told us that her parents wanted to meet us. We had not met yet - everything had been communicated through the agency - and now they wanted to meet us and talk about having an open adoption. The social worker told me what she had conveyed to Fiona, Lily's mother: "I told her that she wouldn't be losing a daughter; she'd be gaining a family."
I shuttered when she said those words. I knew that commentary was wrong and inappropriate on a million different levels, levels that I couldn't even articulate at that time. I wasn't nearly as educated about adoption back then as I am today.
Ironically, the social worker was partially right. Someone in the mix did gain a family -- me. It hit me the other day that I really have become part of Fiona's family. Her parents, aunts, uncles, cousins ... they make me feel like I am one of them. My comfort level with them is as high as it is with my own family of origin, if not even higher at times. They are my people. They are people I can count on. They are people I can sit with and be with without having to say a single word. We have inside jokes, a familiarity with each other's quirks and shortcomings. And sometimes we get on each other's nerves. Just like family.
When we adopted Lily, it never occurred to me that I also would be "adopted" in a new family. It goes to show you that open adoption is full of unexpected surprises.
I shuttered when she said those words. I knew that commentary was wrong and inappropriate on a million different levels, levels that I couldn't even articulate at that time. I wasn't nearly as educated about adoption back then as I am today.
Ironically, the social worker was partially right. Someone in the mix did gain a family -- me. It hit me the other day that I really have become part of Fiona's family. Her parents, aunts, uncles, cousins ... they make me feel like I am one of them. My comfort level with them is as high as it is with my own family of origin, if not even higher at times. They are my people. They are people I can count on. They are people I can sit with and be with without having to say a single word. We have inside jokes, a familiarity with each other's quirks and shortcomings. And sometimes we get on each other's nerves. Just like family.
When we adopted Lily, it never occurred to me that I also would be "adopted" in a new family. It goes to show you that open adoption is full of unexpected surprises.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Four
Four years ago today, G and I met Lily for the first time. We picked her up from the hospital and brought her home, having no idea what was in store for us.
It's hard for me to put into words the joy that Lily has brought me. In my wildest dreams, I could not have imagined having such an amazing daughter. I also could not have imagined the way in which Lily's first family has become my family - people I love with all of my heart. I really can't imagine my life without them in it.
I recognize that everyone who enters into an open adoption takes a leap of faith, and every open adoption is different. I am one of the lucky ones who hit the jackpot. As Fiona said to me recently, we could be the poster family for open adoption. Our families have melded so incredibly well.
Every day that goes by, I become more baffled by the idea that adoption would erase one family and replace it with another. It makes absolutely no sense. Let's stop erasing families and start integrating them.
It's hard for me to put into words the joy that Lily has brought me. In my wildest dreams, I could not have imagined having such an amazing daughter. I also could not have imagined the way in which Lily's first family has become my family - people I love with all of my heart. I really can't imagine my life without them in it.
I recognize that everyone who enters into an open adoption takes a leap of faith, and every open adoption is different. I am one of the lucky ones who hit the jackpot. As Fiona said to me recently, we could be the poster family for open adoption. Our families have melded so incredibly well.
Every day that goes by, I become more baffled by the idea that adoption would erase one family and replace it with another. It makes absolutely no sense. Let's stop erasing families and start integrating them.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Society's View of Blended Families
People don't miss a beat when I tell them my parents are divorced and my father is remarried. Divorce, remarriage, step-parents, half-siblings are essentially non-issues in society today. But mention that you're in an open adoption and your family includes your adopted child's biological relatives -- eyes pop and jaws drop and questions come fast and furious.
I do believe that my role as a step-child has somewhat shaped the kind of adoptive mother that I am today. The relationship between my divorced parents and the step-family that evolved on my father's side were both highly dysfunctional, more so that I ever realized as a teenager and young adult. Any situation that involved the presence of my father, mother, and step-mother brought me high levels of anxiety and panic. My mother and step-mother called each other horrible names, and constantly told me that the other one didn't love me and had no place in my life. I was part of two families, and each one despised the other. I didn't feel "at home" anywhere. Every special event in my life (and in the lives of my sisters) has been overshadowed and tarnished by the hatred between my two families.
I often marvel when I meet people who tell me that their divorced parents are friends - or even friendly. I can't even picture that kind of relationship between my parents and step-mother.
I recently was talking with someone about my relationship with Lily's biological relatives, and I said that in some ways, they are the family I always wanted. At the beginning of our relationship, they embraced me because we loved the same person. And over time, we developed a true, loving relationship with one another. Had it not been for the mutual respect and compassion that we showed for one another at the beginning, I don't think our individual relationships would have been given the chance to flourish. Given my experience as a child, I can only believe that Lily seeing the love between her two families will make her a happier and stronger person, free from the anxieties I still carry with me in my 40s.
Ultimately, the adults in any blended family set the tone, and that tone generally (but not always) dictates whether the children in the family flourish or spend a good part of their adult life on the couch of a therapist. I do hope that adoption becomes more and more about the integration of families rather than the erasing of one to replace it with another. I hope that as society begins to accept this approach as the norm, more adoptive parents will choose the path of family integration. And I hope that all adults who find themselves in a blended family will recognize the critical role they play in creating the audio that will play in their child's head for decades to come.
I do believe that my role as a step-child has somewhat shaped the kind of adoptive mother that I am today. The relationship between my divorced parents and the step-family that evolved on my father's side were both highly dysfunctional, more so that I ever realized as a teenager and young adult. Any situation that involved the presence of my father, mother, and step-mother brought me high levels of anxiety and panic. My mother and step-mother called each other horrible names, and constantly told me that the other one didn't love me and had no place in my life. I was part of two families, and each one despised the other. I didn't feel "at home" anywhere. Every special event in my life (and in the lives of my sisters) has been overshadowed and tarnished by the hatred between my two families.
I often marvel when I meet people who tell me that their divorced parents are friends - or even friendly. I can't even picture that kind of relationship between my parents and step-mother.
I recently was talking with someone about my relationship with Lily's biological relatives, and I said that in some ways, they are the family I always wanted. At the beginning of our relationship, they embraced me because we loved the same person. And over time, we developed a true, loving relationship with one another. Had it not been for the mutual respect and compassion that we showed for one another at the beginning, I don't think our individual relationships would have been given the chance to flourish. Given my experience as a child, I can only believe that Lily seeing the love between her two families will make her a happier and stronger person, free from the anxieties I still carry with me in my 40s.
Ultimately, the adults in any blended family set the tone, and that tone generally (but not always) dictates whether the children in the family flourish or spend a good part of their adult life on the couch of a therapist. I do hope that adoption becomes more and more about the integration of families rather than the erasing of one to replace it with another. I hope that as society begins to accept this approach as the norm, more adoptive parents will choose the path of family integration. And I hope that all adults who find themselves in a blended family will recognize the critical role they play in creating the audio that will play in their child's head for decades to come.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Funny Things That Happen When You're in a Very Open Adoption
Fiona and Nate, Lily's first parents, are still together as a couple - year six and going strong. Despite the fact that both of their mothers live locally, they had never met each other. Until recently. When I introduced my daughter's grandmothers to one another. Fiona and Nate weren't around. It was just me, introducing two other people's potential in-laws to one another.
The weather was beautiful the day we all got together and we went to an outdoor event in the neighborhood. Nate's mom ran into one of her co-workers who looked completely flabbergasted as Nate's mom's introduced all of us to her. We're all different races, so it's wildly confusing, and I tried to alleviate the awkwardness by asking her to guess which one of the grandmas was my mother. To which Fiona's mother said, "You really look more like your dad." The poor woman looked like she needed a drink.
Another friend who was at this event commented that I now travel with Lily's entourage. When this friend's mother - another grandmother figure - took Lily to go look at a petting zoo area, we laughed that just what Lily needs is another grandmother in her life. I've lost count of how many women identify as Lily's grandmother (or great-grandmother, or great-great grandmother). I think we're up to 9 or 10. It's truly astounding.
My family is getting bigger and bigger, and it makes me smile when I think about the amazing and unusual relationships that have formed through our open adoption. I've written recently about the hard parts, and there are many -- especially for Fiona and Nate -- but it's important to focus on the positives, too. Lily's 4th birthday is approaching, and I'm fairly certain that there will be more biological relatives than adoptive relatives at her party. In fact, I would venture to say that Lily will have more face-to-face interaction with more biological family members that I, a non-adopted person, had while I was growing up. Fiona and Nate and G and I now have mutual friends and mutual friends of friends and our lives criss cross in multiple ways. Fiona's mom and my great-aunt just became Facebook friends.
When people see me out and about with "Lily's entourage," they often ask me how I do it. The truth is - the socializing part is easy. However, my hat goes off to those adoptive parents who have two and three very open adoptions - there does come a point when there's just not enough room in the house, the car, restaurants, etc. to fit everyone.
The weather was beautiful the day we all got together and we went to an outdoor event in the neighborhood. Nate's mom ran into one of her co-workers who looked completely flabbergasted as Nate's mom's introduced all of us to her. We're all different races, so it's wildly confusing, and I tried to alleviate the awkwardness by asking her to guess which one of the grandmas was my mother. To which Fiona's mother said, "You really look more like your dad." The poor woman looked like she needed a drink.
Another friend who was at this event commented that I now travel with Lily's entourage. When this friend's mother - another grandmother figure - took Lily to go look at a petting zoo area, we laughed that just what Lily needs is another grandmother in her life. I've lost count of how many women identify as Lily's grandmother (or great-grandmother, or great-great grandmother). I think we're up to 9 or 10. It's truly astounding.
My family is getting bigger and bigger, and it makes me smile when I think about the amazing and unusual relationships that have formed through our open adoption. I've written recently about the hard parts, and there are many -- especially for Fiona and Nate -- but it's important to focus on the positives, too. Lily's 4th birthday is approaching, and I'm fairly certain that there will be more biological relatives than adoptive relatives at her party. In fact, I would venture to say that Lily will have more face-to-face interaction with more biological family members that I, a non-adopted person, had while I was growing up. Fiona and Nate and G and I now have mutual friends and mutual friends of friends and our lives criss cross in multiple ways. Fiona's mom and my great-aunt just became Facebook friends.
When people see me out and about with "Lily's entourage," they often ask me how I do it. The truth is - the socializing part is easy. However, my hat goes off to those adoptive parents who have two and three very open adoptions - there does come a point when there's just not enough room in the house, the car, restaurants, etc. to fit everyone.
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