It’s Just So Me

Published on by Vanessa NicoleLeave a comment

Dear Reader,

I sit here with a matcha latte pondering the last few days. I worked, worked out, cleaned the condo, read a book. I’ve been feeling so polished as of late. I’ve really been putting effort into dressing the way I feel. When I was in my early twenties I always wore dress pants. It was my go to look. My mom would get mad that I had dress pants on in the house. But I loved looking “the part”. I always felt very confident when I dressed up nice with a blazer or cardigan. So I’ve been trying to channel that version of myself and it feels really good. Also, I’ve been wearing my signature scent. There is a perfume that I love that I always used to wear. I’ve come back to putting on perfume. Doing these seemingly small actions has actual made a big impact on my sense of self. I feel like I am returning to myself, a version of me I have missed.

I feel beautiful and put together everyday. And my wish for you reader is that you can feel this way too. All you have to do is think about what clothes make you feel confident. I know which clothes in my wardrobe make me feel confident and which make me feel cozy. I know which make me feel casual and which make me feel frumpy. There is a time and place for each of these but my favourite are my dress pants, nice tops and blazers or cardigans. It’s just so me.

Now it’s time for me to sit with my Google Doc and write more of my fantasy novel. I’m on page 93 and am hoping to bring it to page 100 tonight. I’ll be writing chapter 30.

Until next time online diary,

V ❤

Systems

Published on by Vanessa NicoleLeave a comment

Dear Reader,

I sit here with an English Breakfast tea thinking about my day. I’ve hit almost all the goals I set out for the day. After writing to you I will plan tomorrow in my planner and then read. Reading is the last goal on my list and I will have completed all my “tasks” that will bring me closer to my life goals.

Last week and this week I didn’t feel like working out but I did every workout and I feel so accomplished. Today is my rest day, but I did an ab and glutes workout which gave me the energy and time to think about what I wanted to write. You can see what I was thinking about today on my other blog: Girl Talk. The topic I discuss is my goals for work and my daily tasks I plan.

Lately I’ve been listening to Taylor Swift on my commute to and from work. I find it really relaxing and gives me time to day dream. I think to fuel my creative life I need time to day dream. About love, about life, about stories. I know they say to use your commuting time to listen to podcasts or listen to audiobooks, but I enjoy my music ritual. It regulates my nervous system and boosts my mood. So I will take Taylor Swift over an audiobook any morning.

That doesn’t mean I don’t like reading. I love reading. I spend a lot of my free time reading books and buying books and looking at books on Instagram. I’m working on perfecting my routine and getting the most out of the time we are allotted in a day. I have goals: Lose 30 pounds, write and publish a novel, get lean, read more, write on my blogs more, become the best showroom manager at work. These all require me to be patient, stick to the plan, and create systems which help me to reach my goals. One of these systems is a daily planner. Another is to make each task as simple to complete as possible. Also having cues like laying out my workout clothes, having my shaker bottle for my protein shake on the counter by the tap, having my computer set up for the nights I want to write. There are other systems I’m working on too. I think the most important thing you need to do is have systems in place that make your daily habits which lead to your goals easier.

Checkout my other blog linked above if you want to hear all about my plans for the future.

Until next time online diary,

V ❤

Sunday is for worship

Published on by Vanessa NicoleLeave a comment

Dear Diary,

I sit here with a Diet Pepsi after a day filled with journaling, church, errands and cleaning. I’ve really been enjoying the new church my sister and I go to. The singers are absolutely amazing and the atmosphere is welcoming and cheerful. I think it is something I’ve needed. Turning back to church seems like I’ve come full circle on my spiritual journey. The past ten years have been about returning to a younger version of me. Honoring her dreams and her behaviours, honoring her wisdom.

When I was in high school I went to church alone every Sunday. I went to a Catholic church and I was really looking for something bigger than myself. I’ve read about different religions and I practice manifestation and meditation. But my whole life I have come back to prayer and ultimately God and Jesus. The bible and sermons bring me comfort and knowing that Jesus forgives if you truly repent gives me hope. I’ve always thought our lives were eternal. Either through soul contracts or another plane of existence. The plane I keep being lead to is heaven. The teachings I keep coming back to are the teachings of Jesus. They resonate with me. I’ve made many choices that are human. I’ve lived a life that strayed from the word.

I still believe in the universe and the positive effects of mindfulness and meditation. But I would be leaving something out if I didn’t tell everyone I pray. And my whole life I have prayed at least once everyday to God even when I wasn’t going to church and I wasn’t living a “Christian” life.

The church my sister and I go to is not a Catholic church but it is a Christian Church (non-denominational). It feels familiar and comforting. Like I’m returning to my 15,16,17 year old self. She was Catholic, she was kind hearted, she was giving. I sometimes wonder how I moved so far away from her and her wisdom. I still believe I was far beyond my years at a young age.

I want to return to those values and analyze my formal self to see what I can bring into my current life that makes sense to me and how to expand on her wisdom and expand on her belief system. I’m 37 now. I’ve lived a lot of life at this point but also still have a lot more to live (or so we can all hope). I want to approach the next chapter of my life (being close to 40) with an open mind, an open heart and a young spirit. I want to do more things that bring me joy but also dive deeper into the spiritual. I want to focus on my “big goals” as well as my smaller day to day goals. I want to incorporate God and Jesus into my life. That’s why my sister and I are reading the bible together.

It seems that at every moment of darkness in my life, God and Jesus have found me. It has been their words, their sermons, their light that has touched me. I have noticed this throughout my whole life. Every time something bad has happened or I’ve lost hope, or I’ve made the wrong choice, I found God. In something a random person has shared with me. In quotes I’ve seen in books or online. In songs I’ve heard.

In the sermon today they said what is different about Christianity is that in other religions to get to God we have to “do”. But in Christianity God, through Jesus, came to us and freed us. It’s not in what we do but in what Jesus did. And your belief in Jesus and his scripture and your true repentance for the human errors is what will get you into heaven. Even before I returned to church I repented to God in my prayers. Even if I wasn’t sure if He existed or what my beliefs were, I still felt the urge to say the words “I’m sorry”. I’m sorry for my sins, for my wrong doing, for my mistakes. And I made a promise to myself that I would strive to be a better person then I was.

My life has changed drastically over the last 10 years. I quit drinking, I quit the “party scene”. I moved in to my condo and out of my parents house. I found a loving partner who I’ve been with for 8 years. I’ve removed toxic people from my life and have showed up for myself and my friends and family time and time again. I’m not perfect. There are still choices I’ve made in the last 10 years that I’m not sure were the right ones. But I’m here learning, repenting, being human. And I’ve decided to put my faith in God and Jesus again, because that’s what feels right for me.

Something that really resonated with me in one of the sermons I heard is that we can’t judge other people for their mistakes or sins because we don’t know what obstacles they have faced, what path they were lead down. We don’t lead their life or their demons or temptations. No one is perfect and the only thing you can really do is be an ear for them to talk to, a heart that will love them, and a friend that will lead them.

There are many people in my past who have hurt me. But I forgave them, in my heart, a long time ago. I don’t hold any grudges. I pray for them. I pray they are making it through their lives and they are finding themselves and God. That they are living a life that is better and that they are working on themselves as I have been working on myself. I pray that any wrong doing I may have done has been forgiven. Some of those wrong doings were fuelled by illness but they do not hurt me any less. I know what I did while I was sick was not aligned with my life’s values. But I live aligned with those values now. And I try to be better everyday and keep my promises to myself.

Until next time online diary,

V ❤

A Sunday Revelation

Published on by Vanessa NicoleLeave a comment

Dear Reader,

As I type this I am sitting on my couch with a hot coffee. I’ve just written on my Girl Talk blog and now I come here to Tea With V. It’s been a frustrating week for me because I had two panic attacks but I don’t know why. I wasn’t anxious. I wasn’t going down a rabbit hole or thinking about the past. But they happened and now I’m left to figure out why. I don’t want to tell my doctor because she may up the dosage of my medication. I know on a higher dosage I can’t function properly and working and writing and reading would be impossible. On a higher dosage I get brain fog and I can’t focus. My thoughts get all muddled together and all I can do is sit there trying to breathe or think clearly. I’m already on a high dosage and have trouble waking up in the morning because of the drowsiness. I feel better today though. No racing heart. So maybe they were just triggered by my period. Hormone fluctuations.

I’m heading into the next week cautiously. I don’t want to put to much pressure on myself to be perfect. I’ve been hard on myself lately. I’ve been sleeping in during the week because my dad has been taking me to and from work due to the temperatures here in Canada. I usually commute by bus and leave the house at 7:30 but with the rides I don’t leave until 8:40. This has been so helpful and I am so thankful to my dad for doing this for me. But now I’m used to sleeping in. I should have forced myself to continue to wake up early. And even then I wasn’t happy with my morning routine. I’ve been trying to tweak it for a year with no success. As I said I find it hard to wake up in the morning because of my medication. And when I do manage to wake up early I end up falling asleep in a chair or on the couch. This may just be my reality now. But I have to at least keep trying. The days that I have woken up early and successfully done my routine I have felt amazing. Drinking my coffee or tea, journaling, reading, maybe just sitting there with my coffee and thoughts. Having time to properly do my makeup and just feel like me. This is what I want and am striving for. No long routine. Just time for me to enter the day calmly and with my cup full.

I am currently reading Madonna in a Fur Coat and it has absolutely captured my heart. Whenever I read about artists falling in love or anything that may be considered historical fiction I love. My sister surprised me with the book. She knew I had been searching high and low in bookstores for it and hadn’t found it. It was such a thoughtful gift.

Overall I am happy and living a wonderful life. Despite the panic attacks, despite the drowsy mornings. I love my work, I love my partner, I love my family. It’s so strange to think that the life I dreamed of 10 years ago has been granted to me. There have been some hard times in the last 10 years. Psychosis twice. A back injury, Covid, family issues. But as usual I have pushed through. I dealt with my psychosis. I rehabbed my way through a painful back injury. I got Covid three times and delt with the fatigue and brain fog that came after. And I’ve stood by my family during a painful and scary time. Through all this I still feel blessed. I still read so many books and wrote so many journal entries. I went on so many adventures with my partner and had meaningful experiences with friends. I started online gaming with my partner which I have come to love (every other Thursday).

Looking at the state of the world I feel really lucky to live the life I live. I feel lucky to live in the country I do. Though it has it’s own problems.

Sometimes I like to sit and reflect on all the obstacles that have come. All the pain and the hospitals and the trauma. But I am here. With a coffee sitting under a fuzzy blanket feeling calm and happy. I am free of physical pain. Free of delusions. Living with a loving partner. Working in a job I love. So many blessings that other people are praying for. So I sit here and spend Sunday reflecting, praying, meditating, journaling. I sit here realizing I am lucky to have you too reader. You can look at all the obstacles you have come through or are going through and see that there is light at the end of the tunnel. You just have to hold on and persevere. One day you’ll be sitting under a tree, in a coffee shop, on your couch and you’ll see how strong you are. How magnificent you are. How you came through things you thought would end you. And I applaud you for pushing through the hard times. I applaud you for feeling your feelings and pouring out your heart. I applaud you for being authentic and living the life you want. I applaud you for pushing through a job you hate to pay the bills. I applaud you for reaching out for help in your community when you needed it. And I applaud you for all the courage you have mustered up to face whatever it is life has thrown at you. It’s hard being you. No one will ever understand what demons you’ve had to face. But I understand it took a lot out of you to be sitting here reading this right now and living the life you are living. So thank you for being here.

Until next time online diary,

V ❤

What’s On My Mind?

Published on by Vanessa NicoleLeave a comment

Dear Reader,

I sit here with a crisp diet coke and I want to tell you that I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. I wonder what is happening in your life? Have you learned to romanticize your day? Do you find pleasure in the mundane? How are you feeling in this political climate? How are you feeling about the state of the world? Are you safe? Can you sometimes escape in a good book?

I worry about you reader because watching the news is so devastating. I guess this is true of the news for most of the time it’s been around. But the world we live in is getting scarier and scarier everyday. I don’t watch the news. I see tidbits of information through contacts on Instagram who stay informed. And I see the odd news clip. But my mental health can’t handle the news most of the time. My anxiety takes over and I get scared. Scared of the world. Scared of the man on the street. And I am scared for you reader. I don’t need to watch the news to know I should be scared.

I write to you from Canada. So the horrific things I see happening in the US and in other parts of the world can be pushed out of my mind. I can pickup a book and escape. Because my neighbours aren’t being hunted. My neighbourhood isn’t being bombed. My home is safe. And many times after seeing things online I have to remind myself that I am safe. I have to calm down my nervous system. But where are you reader? What part of the world do you find yourself in? How safe do you feel on a daily basis? I wonder these things. And I worry.

I keep seeing the quote “reading is political”. I’ve never identified as a political person. I vote, I know my political beliefs but I’m pretty silent on the topic a lot of the time. And maybe living in Canada I’m lucky. At least at the moment I am. So reader I pray for you and I worry about you and I think about you. I think about how sometimes I feel helpless that I can’t help everyone in the world feel safe. I feel helpless that the kind of world I dream of will never be realized. I feel helpless that only a few readers will see this. But I keep going. I keep doing the things that bring me joy and that I hope bring you joy. I have a Bookstagram and Quotestagram. I have four blogs and a novel I’m writing. Maybe one day more people will read my posts and start to live each day romanticizing the mundane and crawling their way out of some depression that has hit them.

Maybe reader, you will read this today and know that someone out there is thinking about you and praying that the problems in your life will subside and you can thrive. You will know there are people out there who see you and validate your experience. Somebody who knows you are alone and scared. Or surrounded and scared. I hope others who are safe are reading this and realize there are so many people out there who can’t just escape reality online or in a book. That danger is at their doorstep and no one can understand their fear.

Dear reader, please share in the comments how you are feeling today. Please share with me your inner thoughts, your inner fears. Please know, I wish there was something more I could do for you.

Until next time online diary,

V

January Magic

Published on by Vanessa NicoleLeave a comment

Dear Reader,

It’s that time of year when dreams are conjured. We make our new years goals and wishes. We where shiny dresses or comfy pj’s to welcome the new year. I sit here with a homemade matcha in my sweats and bookish sweatshirt. I’ve cleaned the bathrooms and journaled. I’ve done a facemask and watched the Taylor Swift Era’s Tour concert, all three hours of it.

What made me revisit my goals for this year is having watched the Taylor Swift docu series last night. I watched all 6 episodes of behind the scenes of her Era’s tour. All that magic and that energy reminded me of why I love to create. Why I love to write.

I’ve been gliding through January kind of on autopilot. I’ve been tired and unmotivated. But after watching some inspiring YouTube videos last week and feeling the magic that is Taylor Swift I got back that spark. I’m tired because I keep pushing myself when I am tired instead of resting. So I used today to reset and rest and put 2026 into perspective. What are some realistic goals? What do I want my days to look like? What do I have to do to make my goals a reality? These were un-surprisingly easy questions to answer. I already know what I have to do to get more fit, finish my novel, write my essays and blog more. I know what I have to do to stay organized at work and perform at the best of my abilities. I just have to do the things that will propel me forward. Bring my vision to life.

They say you shouldn’t speak your dreams. You should keep them private. Don’t let people know what you are doing until you are done. But how can we inspire each other if we never share the hard parts. The parts where you have hard workouts and you feel like you’ll pass out. The nights you spend writing trying to make the perfect scene in your book. The nights spent writing on my blog for you to read.

I find it harder to do all these things with a full time job. But it is possible. Every artist, writer, creator started from somewhere where something else funded their life. So I celebrate you reader speaking your dreams, taking the hard steps, documenting the progress. Make 2026 the year you put in the work.

Until next time online diary,

V<3

Another Chapter

Published on by Vanessa NicoleLeave a comment

Dear Diary,

Christmas came and went in a flash. I was excited to give my family their gifts and share our Christmas breakfast together. We opened presents and went to my cousins for dinner and now it is the next day, boxing day. My world is blanketed in snow and I stayed in today. Reading, writing, cleaning and watching YouTube. I wanted a day to relax and do the things that fill my cup. I’ve had two cups of tea and ordered in a tea from Tim Hortons for breakfast. I took a wonderful bubble bath with my current read in hand. It has truly been a relaxing day.

I put away laundry and cleaned the kitchen, which I oddly also classify as relaxing activities. I know that my goal is to live a slower more mindful life. That doesn’t mean that I’m not productive at work and that I don’t do hard exercises, I will do all these things. But it also means I will take time to relax, drink tea, read a book, write an essay or a blog post. I will make time to do things that speak to my heart.

I started a new blog that will focus on essays. The essays will be about books or films that I watch or topics I want to research. I am nervous about this blog because I have not written an essay in years. But I always enjoyed writing essays for school. I even wrote a few essays for myself during University on topics that interested me (my favourite being one titled Pragmatic Self).

I’m still debating if the first project book will be Anna Karenina or Jane Eyre. Both feel appropriate to start my journey into personal essays. I guess we will see what my final choice is in January. I’m just thankful I have this diary to document my life on. And thankful I have journals and other blogs that help me be creative when creativity seems to be something I need to cultivate more of in my life.

So stay tuned diary for more about my life, my thoughts and my personal endevours.

Until next time online diary,

V<3

The Great Lockin

Published on by Vanessa NicoleLeave a comment

Dear Reader,

I sit on the couch with my latop and a crisp Diet Pepsi. I have Caitlyn Richardson on the TV, she is currently discussing her favourite fragrances after recommending some books. Lately reader, I ‘ve felt like I’m coasting. After hurting my shoulder I got my period and then after my period I got a cough. So my workouts have been non existent for a few weeks. I feel tired and sick. But also excited for the Christmas season. I have yet to decorate the condo. I plan on doing it this coming weekend.

I’m currently reading Tower of Dawn, the 6th book in the Throne of Glass series. I am really enjoying it but also find myself reading it very slowly. The other night I wanted to start reading at 5pm but I sat on the couch doing nothing until 7:30 and then started reading. I guess I needed some time to be bored and recoup. Tower of Dawn and some of the other books in the Throne of Glass series I believe can be categorized as project books (books that are longer and denser and take time to understand). They aren’t complicated to understand but they do have the other two indicators of project books. I’m hoping to finish the book in the next few weeks so I can write an essay on my new blog.

I’ve also been feeling bloated the last few weeks and go from being really hungry to not hungry at all. I want to get back strict on my diet. I’ve been eating out a lot. And even though I’m picking diet friendly meals at the resteraunts I go to, it is still take out and not strictly on my diet.

I need to get back into a good routine before the new year. I want to wake up earlier. Workout 4 times a week (at least). Stay strictly on my diet. Spend time writing and reading in the evenings after my workouts. Just streamline my life into a good routine. Routines help to regulate my mental health. When I follow a routine I am less anxious and I hit my goals. I also have more energy.

Our office closes from the 25th to January 1st so I am excited for 8 days off to reset and get ready for 2026.

I hope we can do this together reader. Set ourselves up for a healthier, successful new year. I didn’t really hit “the great lockin” of this year, also known as the “winter arc”. I was mostly sick and tired and physically healing (I was going to phsyio for my shoulder which also indicated my back and legs need working on from my back injury).

Next year I will be reading less books then usual. This is the goal. I want to focus on my “project books” which will take me longer to read.

We shall talk soon reader.

Until next time online diary,

V ❤

Dark Academia Vibes

Published on by Vanessa NicoleLeave a comment

Dear Diary,

I’ve been obsessed the past week with dark academia. In my early twenties I spent late nights listening to instrumental music and writing poems or essays for school. Studying English Literature and Philosophy meant a lot of reading and a lot of essays. Part of me sometimes misses the academic life. And I wish I had really appreciated it while I was living it. But I think I appreciate it more now.

I used to fantasize about being a University professor. I wanted to be writing essays for academic journals and teaching courses like 20th Century Literature or Nietzche: God is Dead. But I was to busy with my first boyfriend and meeting new people to really appreciate all the knowledge I was absorbing. I took gender studies courses and humanities. I wish I had taken some sociology courses.

I was looking into the requirements to do a Master’s at York University where I got my undergrad degree. While researching this I found that the school lets you take courses under a non-degree status. Which means you take courses just for yourself, you aren’t working towards a degree.

Going forward I plan on picking a book each month to be a “project book”. I learned about the term through Caitlyn Richardson on YouTube. I started a new blog that will be dedicated to essays on these project books, films and maybe even music. You can follow along the new blog here .

I look forward to working on these personal projects and learning new theories and philosophy along the way.

Until next time online diary,

V 🙂

Vanessa Reads & Writes

Published on by Vanessa NicoleLeave a comment

Dear Reader,

I can’t believe my last post was in July. It doesn feel like that long ago that I was sitting at my computer or logged on to my wordpress app and talking to you. The months have passed quickly. Summer came to an end and fall didn’t seem to last very long. Here in Canada it has been snowing this week.

October was a tired month. I felt very tired and drained so I stepped back and focused on slow mornings and nights. I wrote a few more chapters of my novel but didn’t get as far as I was hoping. It’s ok though. I don’t have an official deadline to reach so I can be flexible with myself. I want the story to come out the way I envision it which may take more time. In November I had my Godson’s baptism. It was a beautiful day and I enjoyed the time spent with family.

I am continually seeing online people proclaiming they are going through a quarter life crisis. I think it’s rubbing off on me because all these dreams and goals I have for myself are tapping me on the shoulder, asking why they are left undone. Living a creative lifestyle would be amazing. Writing daily and finding new ideas to share. I see content creators who have made it their life’s work and I wonder what that would be like. To sit down and have the time and energy to work on my blogs every day and sit for hours writing chapters.

Right now I take what I can get when it comes to creative energy. Sometimes during the workday I feel so energized and have all these thoughts on what I will come and share online when I get home. But by the time I reach home I’m tired from my commute and my work day. I just want to sit on the couch and binge my favourite YouTubers. And I have learned to listen to my body when it is tired. Which means my creative life takes a backseat to my mental well being.

I want you to know reader that I think of you often. I think about the life you are leading and the dreams you are achieving. I think about ways to inspire you to live a fuller life while also taking care of yourself. I think about sharing my day, my little rituals. I think about my bookstagram and if I’m inspiring people to read more. I think about my blogs and how I’ve been inactive even though it was my new year’s resolution to keep them updated this year. I think about school. Part of me misses University. The knowledge, the books, the conversations. But I don’t want to read on someone elses terms I want to read on my own terms. Which is why I started ANOTHER blog: Vanessa Reads & Writes . This is going to be a blog that focuses on essays. I will write essays on topics that come up in books I’m reading, films I’m watching, music I’m listening to and just everday thoughts that can be turned into essays.

This new blog was inspired by the YouTuber Caitlyn Richardson. She writes essays on Substack but I found her on YouTube and her dark academic vibes really reminded me of how much I miss academic writing and analysis. What I hope these essays do is make you think and reflect reader. Maybe on social construction, maybe on manifestation, maybe on womanhood. Maybe on so many other topics under the sun.

I haven’t decided how many essays I want to write in a month. Maybe 1, maybe 2. It also depends on what inspires me.

I look forward to continue sharing journal entries here and lifestyle content on my Girl Talk blog. Also, stay tuned for more poetry on my Happily Ever Woman blog. These are all the places you can find my writing.

My wish for you reader this week is to find inspiration to pursue a long lost dream or a dream that seems just out of reach. Stay mindful, stay joyful, become.

Until next time online diary,

V ❤