Open letter to a webmaster
Adressed to the lovely person at $COMPANY who decided that his subsite's navigation should only be accessible via WinIE6-only CSS-based popup menus.
Dear soulless bastard,
Thank you for fucking up so spectacularly. I'm certain it took effort to do, and I realize that. I'm almost honored to be the recipient of this steaming pile of bullshit that just landed in my lap.
You see, my users are easily confused people who do not understand the internet. A characteristic I'm certain you share with them. Because using the web involves many things they do not understad at all, it was a difficult and painful process to reeducate them and explain to them that, no, when you click the little green globe, you aren't going to go to the wrong internet. It's still the same internet, even if the buttons look a little different. I had to be patient and work with them, one-on-one. They are nervous, and easily spookable. It's a vulnerable time for all of us here. For them because they are confused and scared, and for me because they are confused and scared and I do not have enough coffee.
That's why I was so overjoyed to find out that two of my least-capable users were panicking because "$COMPANY's internet broke and the blue menus don't work." They think it's their fault. They think they broke the internet. Now they're asking me if "the Yahoo" will work. They have no idea what went wrong, and my attempting to explain that this happened because you are a lazy shithead in middle management who let a copy of Dreamweaver go to his head... well, it only scared them more. I heard one of them just now telling the other that $COMPANY has a virus that ate its website and if we put our mouse in the wrong place it will destroy our hard drives. I want to cry.
Trying to teach them to use more than one web browser to access different sites may break their fragile minds. Instead, I think I'll do the same to your fragile, hydrocephalitic skull.
If I ever find you, I am going to cram a Windows XP install disk so far down your throat, you'll need to authenticate your colon before taking a crap.
Sincerely,
A. Frustrated Tech.
Dear soulless bastard,
Thank you for fucking up so spectacularly. I'm certain it took effort to do, and I realize that. I'm almost honored to be the recipient of this steaming pile of bullshit that just landed in my lap.
You see, my users are easily confused people who do not understand the internet. A characteristic I'm certain you share with them. Because using the web involves many things they do not understad at all, it was a difficult and painful process to reeducate them and explain to them that, no, when you click the little green globe, you aren't going to go to the wrong internet. It's still the same internet, even if the buttons look a little different. I had to be patient and work with them, one-on-one. They are nervous, and easily spookable. It's a vulnerable time for all of us here. For them because they are confused and scared, and for me because they are confused and scared and I do not have enough coffee.
That's why I was so overjoyed to find out that two of my least-capable users were panicking because "$COMPANY's internet broke and the blue menus don't work." They think it's their fault. They think they broke the internet. Now they're asking me if "the Yahoo" will work. They have no idea what went wrong, and my attempting to explain that this happened because you are a lazy shithead in middle management who let a copy of Dreamweaver go to his head... well, it only scared them more. I heard one of them just now telling the other that $COMPANY has a virus that ate its website and if we put our mouse in the wrong place it will destroy our hard drives. I want to cry.
Trying to teach them to use more than one web browser to access different sites may break their fragile minds. Instead, I think I'll do the same to your fragile, hydrocephalitic skull.
If I ever find you, I am going to cram a Windows XP install disk so far down your throat, you'll need to authenticate your colon before taking a crap.
Sincerely,
A. Frustrated Tech.
