wtfbbq

Note: I turned off my blog for a while because I was getting absolutely slammed with bots/crawlers (my stats don't show location, but they show unique/regular visits, time of day, and web referrals, so when I go from 10-30 visits a day - mostly regulars and folks clicking over from friends' blogs - to 400-800 unique visits at steady intervals, I know something's up). I keep my blog unlisted, but somehow they find me a couple times a year, so if I go offline periodically, it’s to shake them off. I just want to talk about my silly little life, not feed an AI machine so everyone’s college essays can sound like they were written by a middle-aged librarian who paints Internet memes.

 

Anyway.

The new house closes in two weeks, and we're flapping in the wind while the bank slowly processes the loan. I’m not stressing about it yet, but I am on the verge of stressing about needing to stress in the near future. Right now I’m just driving around listening to dwarf-core death metal, because I refuse to listen to any of the songs I listened to before the move. Or ever, really. And no songs about love. Or breakups. Or sex. I couldn't think of what was left after that, so for now it's screaming dwarves.

The library job is pretty nice. I am paid enough to eat, I have a comfy chair, and I go most of the day without seeing another living human. Except the nursing students. They rush in before class and print off every single powerpoint slide they've ever seen, go through reams of paper every day, talk trash about boys, and then leave in a swarm. One of them called out to me that she liked my cardigan, and I spent the rest of the afternoon trying to decipher her tone. Nurses tend to be either superheroes or high school mean girls, it's hard to tell which.

I like them anyway. My ordering budget is tiny, but it's enough to keep me busy making long lists of books and then whittling them down to the best stuff. It's modest, I thought, but it's nice. 

And then I went to the public library. Folks, I was not prepared. 

I have worked in rural libraries for 20 years. My libraries had 4 computers, a printer nobody could use without me holding their hand, a copier, and a shelf of new books that always had some new books on it. At storytime there were always a handful of kids, even in Hana. That's rural life - it's not a lot, but enough, right? So I was really surprised to pull up to an empty parking lot. The library was crammed into the back of a classroom, shared with the school. There were donated paperbacks piled on the floor, books on the shelves with no plastic covers, some with hand-written spine labels. No computers. No copier. No new books. No storytime. No patrons. Just one (very nice) woman at a desk in the corner, who was a bit surprised to see me. Ok. This is the smaller of the two regional libraries, so I chatted a bit with the librarian and then drove down to the library in the next town, which was twice as big, and for a moment I relaxed. This library also shares with the school, and it has good furniture, nice rugs, tables, student art - but then you walk back to the shelves, and you see.. the books. Old books - like, I read these books as a kid in the '80s, and they were already old back then. Books in boxes on the floor, books stacked sideways on other books, books piled on top of the shelves, books spilled and knocked over and completely out of order. There were no adult and children's sections, the genres were all mixed together. The nonfiction was inexplicably split across opposite sides of the room, with fiction from the 40s-80s crammed on shelves in between. No section for picture books. Nothing new. Nothing mended or with protective covers. Book jackets torn, leather spines rotted, acid-cracked paperbacks. I couldn't stop myself - I started standing books up straight, shifting overcrowded shelves, getting everything back in the right place. In an hour, I had only fixed the 900s.  

So this is why they aren't hiring. The public libraries are being given no budget, no processing supplies, no help maintaining the collection; the government is not going to put money into a service nobody uses, and nobody is going to use a service that isn't being offered.

 

I got online and put in requests for a dozen new books from the city libraries. If there's one way to boost funding, it's to boost usage. If you want to support your libraries, use them. Check out a lot of stuff, request everything you like, make those stats move even a little bit. It's like I always tell my kids, anything worth doing is worth doing badly. Something is better than nothing. 

I'm going to have to start bringing chocolate biscuits for that poor woman, though, because I'm not going to be able to stop coming every weekend until every book is in its right place. 

First week

The days are already lasting longer, and it's only been a week. The sun was coming up orange over the snowy mountains as I was driving to work and listening to music. I caught up with a raven flying along the highway and slowed down as I passed under it. It rode the cushion of air over my car, flying just above my windshield and flapping along to Djo at just the right part, and it was goddamn delightful. I leaned up against the steering wheel to watch it fly, just laughing.

Damn it Steve, this is stuck in my head like a fork 

 

I’m still having night terrors, but more and more my dreams have been getting just… weird. The other night I was in the John Hamm dance meme with him, Betty White, and Christian Siriano, who was annoyed that John wouldn’t put on a bustier because he was self conscious about his middle-aged nipples. This is what happens when you fall asleep under an electric blanket while scrolling Instagram reels. It beats my usual dreams of thin snaking tornadoes and secret passages in scary houses and crashing airplanes, so I’ll take it. (Those aren’t even the nightmares.)

The college is a 2-songs-long drive down the road, and I get to park in the staff lot by the good entrance. My office (I have an office!) is freezing, and not because I’m a weenie - the heating vents are broken. The campus handymen are a couple of guys with matching names who walk around everywhere together in neon safety vests, and they came in to look at the ceiling, cluck their tongues, and then chat with me about dumb local criminals for 20 minutes before leaving without fixing anything. I kind of love them. I got a little space heater to keep my hands thawed, it’s right cozy.

This week I was dropped into the deep end, with introductions and meetings and trainings - but it’s a small pool and I’ve been swimming for years, so I’m doing just fine, paddling around on Teams and getting into all the storage cupboards and learning to use the industrial label maker to print stupid labels for my staplers and tape dispensers. And do you know what colleges have that public libraries don’t - even very small rural colleges in the middle of the ramtops? PEOPLE WHO KNOW HOW TO USE THE PRINTER. 

Zenny has been going to school and coming home a latchkey kid, and she’s loving it. She loves the other kids, she loves the pride stickers posted around her school with nobody being an asshole about them, she loves riding the school bus and having a locker like the kids on tv shows, and she loves having art and music and drama classes because they haven’t been cut from the curriculums in Canada. She’s learning French, throwing snowballs at her friends, and telling me animated stories about the kind of trouble her classmates get up to (sneaking ice in after recess to drop down boys’ collars, getting busted putting on false eyelashes in the washroom - a bit of a change for her from kids threatening to shoot up the school over badminton or blowing up their vapes in the toilet).

I’m not worrying about my dwindling grocery budget or my uncertain housing situation or my future publishing/art prospects, I am still just riding the relief of being gone.

First day of work

And it’s a snow day. I got up when the plow went by at 5:30am and got dressed anyway, throwing back a few cups of tea and checking the campus page every half hour for closure updates, antsy to see my new library for the first time. When they changed the status from “closed for the morning, update at 11am” to “closed for the day”, I threw my phone down, made banana bread, sketched layouts for a picture book, and went outside to shovel the stairs. I managed to coax Zenny outside just long enough for her to stomp fresh tracks down the pathway, say “wow”, and then run back inside to get under the electric blanket. It’s going to be an adjustment.

The sun came out and the snow stopped in late afternoon, and I forced the girl into the car to go check the mail and buy butter, because someone used the last stick for banana bread. I let the car warm up for about 10 minutes while brushing snow off the windows and roof, and learned that 10 minutes is not enough time to thaw power steering fluid. That is a good lesson to learn now, before I’m late for my first day of work or hulk-steering the car down the highway. Today we were only going down the road, though. There was no mail. There was butter. Poultry is scarce out here, but we found two skinny chicken breasts for soup and Zenny finally perked up when I let her detour us through the KFC drive through on the way home. Fresh chicken may be hard to come by, but fast food chicken sandwiches are in abundance. This must be their natural habitat. The power steering finally got its shit together and we zipped back home. 

I’m really happy, but I’m ready to go meet my coworkers and make some friends. WHETHER THEY LIKE IT OR NOT.

I have all the cardigans 

Marystown

The lady at the DMV traded my Hawaii drivers license for a Newfie drivers license in about 2 minutes, with a wistful sigh at the rainbow on my old card. “Well, I guess every place has its downside. Welcome home, my love.”

I wanted a truck, but decided that shoveling snow out of a truck bed didn’t look fun. Then I wanted an SUV, but driving them around the lot didn’t feel right. I ended up with a hatchback exactly the same size as my Jetta, because I’m the only adult keeping this kid safe right now and it’s better to handle something I’m familiar with. A Subaru is sturdy enough to survive getting plowed into a snow bank or pirouetting down an icy highway, and that is the main goal. If a cabbie could fit all our bags into a little sedan, we could shove them all into a Subaru.

My savings are gone now, but it’s better not to have monthly car payments as we head into poverty.

While I was in the dealership waiting room for about the 6th hour, waiting on insurance/registration/inspection things to get worked out, my phone buzzed. The sales manager looked up and asked if everything was okay when I accidentally snorted and swore. “Sorry,” I said, “It’s just that I have been gone ONE DAY, and I just got a message from a boy from high school asking, ‘SO YOU’RE SINGLE NOW?’” He laughed, “Ah, settle down, b’y, give a girl some time!”

By evening I had another message from a college classmate. For fuck’s sake, the scene must be grim at our age. Look, I meant to leave all the men in my past in another country and close the door on them forever, but then when I was packing I found myself getting into the Boyfriend Box and slapping a stack of old photos into my journal and throwing it in my suitcase. I’m dumb as shit and there’s no cure for it. Sorry fellas.

The drive from St John’s to Burin was 3 hours through craggy black rocks covered in snow, with fog rolling over ponds frozen in swirling circles of ice. It was really beautiful. I did not see a moose, except for the fiberglass one at Goobies. The radio stations crapped out around the halfway point, so this trip back in time is going to need a folder full of cds in the glove box for drives to town.

We made it to our cabin loft at nightfall. I’ve been ticking errands off the to-do list - bank account, PO Box, school registration, grocery shopping - and we slept through the New Year without the world exploding around us. I’m happier than I’ve been in years, just baking biscuits for two in a tiny oven in a studio apartment. We met our realtor and walked through the potential house (my mother is coming to the rescue to lock in financing, fingers crossed that it goes through in time), and it was perfect.

Everything is going well, and I can sleep again at night. The peace of mind set in immediately, the minute I got off that plane and didn’t have to go back. The internal quiet is such a relief.  

View from our kitchen

The floor of my maybe-studio that would need sanding and repainting 

My maybe-bedroom that I get to mentally furnish for the next month

The view from my maybe-back porch (yes, it goes straight down to the ocean, right out of a thriller novel about a single artist who moves to the seaside, but guess who always falls to their doom? The bad guy, so there.)

(Unless it’s the first chapter of a gritty detective novel, in which case it’s me, but hey, “do it for the plot”)

Annual Questionnaire 2025

1. What did you do in 2025 that you’d never done before? Did you know you can buy an entire car with a credit card? It feels like you should not be allowed to do that. 

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions?  I was kind of desperate to end the plot line I was trapped in, so I LEFT THE COUNTRY. I don’t know if the next chapter will be any good, but it’s sure as shit going to be different.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?  My young coworker, who struggled to have a baby for a long time, gave birth to Library Baby on my birthday! I knitted him a blanket and got to see his tiny little face and pink little fingers a week after he was born. Really happy for her.

4. Did anyone die?  Too many people died. Joyce, my favorite Friend of the Library. Cissy, my coworker of nearly 10 years. My grandfather - and that one took me out like a kick to the back of the knees.

5. What places did you visit? I went to Scotland, looking for escape with an art research grant, but I took the situation I was escaping from along with me. I visited Washington to be alone for a bit, paint some trees with nice people, and see if my heart would start beating again if I passed through the airport where the boy I was in love with in my 20s works now (it did not, but I don't know, maybe I would have had a stroke if I had actually run into him). I went to Newfoundland, where I finally figured out what to do.

6. What would you like to have in 2026 that you lacked in 2025? I want to sleep peacefully like a starfish in the middle of my very own bed, and feel happy and safe coming home every day. Also I need some in-person friends, because all mine live in the computer.

7. What moments from 2025 will remain etched upon your memory? Seeing my grandfather right after he died. Hugging Laurie again, and her mother. Drinking chai with Zenny in big squishy chairs while reading old books in the Memorial Cafe. The moment I decided it was time to leave (a joke he made that hit me right in the chest). Seeing Marystown as we drove in at sunset with the ocean and snowy mountains and fog.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? I finally did it.

9. What was your biggest failure? It took 20 years to figure out how. TWENTY YEARS. It’s easier to understand why, though, after reading the books my therapist assigned; he doesn’t react like the cheaters in the case studies when he’s caught. He doesn’t deflect, attack, deny, or blame the partner for not giving him enough attention or getting too fat; he reacts like a golden retriever who’s just eaten the Thanksgiving turkey. It’s hard to kick a groveling dog and tell it to get the fuck away from you. Especially when you depend on that dog for survival. I’m ready to rehome him now, though.

 

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Only emotionally. And a cold. That better not mean I get a sinus infection the minute I get to my new job.

 
11. What was the best thing you bought?  Plane tickets and a car. (I paid off the car with savings, I’m not irresponsible with credit cards, it was just easier than an international e-transfer.)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?  This was Leif's year. He got his driver's license, re-took his SATs when he wasn't satisfied with his score (then got the score he wanted), and fell in love with a really smart and funny girl. He learned to crochet just so he could make her funny little stuffies for her backpack. He's confidant, has a sense of style, plays Chopin on piano, has a plan for his life, shows love, and talks to me when he's troubled. I feel good about him making it out in the world after he graduates in a few months. (Gavin is great, too, but he has had the bad luck to hit the front lines of every social crisis - finishing high school during the pandemic, trying to get a tech internship during the rise of AI, aging out of our health insurance just in time for insurance rates to skyrocket - he's a gentle guy in a tough economy, and I worry for him - having a foot in the door in another country can only help.)

 
13. Whose behavior made you appalled?  While my aunt called us, crying, to tell us grandpa had just died, Drunk Wife piped up in the background about how long it would take to get his insurance money. HE WAS STILL IN THE ROOM.

 

14. What did you get excited about? I saved up all my excitement for years, and then cashed it in all at once. I had all the flavors of excitement: angry excitement, fearful excitement, vengeful excitement, grief-stricken-excitement, joyful excitement. I think I have had enough excitement for a bit, maybe I can start spending it in smaller amounts over a longer period of time like a normal person again.

15. What song will always remind you of 2025?  This was the song I was listening to on a walk (brushing up on my French) when I was suddenly hit with the worst pain of grief I have ever felt in my life. I thought I was going to drop dead on my neighbor's shrubbery. It didn’t really have much to do with the song, just coincided with the grief of my grandfather colliding with the grief of my marriage ending.

My 2025 playlist, in chronological order:

 

16. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder? I hit both ends of the spectrum on this one and concussed myself. 
b) thinner or fatter?  Broke even. Stopped working out, but pants still fit. (Instead of endorphins, my body started giving me cortisol, which I already had enough of, so I took a break until the big moving stress was over.)
c) richer or poorer?  Rich in possibilities. Empty in bank account.

17. What do you wish you’d done more of?  I kind of feel like this year had an excess of everything, adding to that would just be asking for a trip to the hospital.

18. What was your favorite TV program?   

Murderbot Diaries (but TOO SHORT). 

Zenny and I watched some Korean romantic comedies which are also my favorites just because I'll remember watching them with her. (King the Land, and Bon Appetit Your Majesty') 

As a family, we (re)watched The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel so Zenny could see it. Great show. I’m introducing her to Stranger Things right now.

Best non-kid-friendly watching: Welcome to Derry, and The Pitt.

19. What was the best book you read? 

It was a hard year, so I read Chuck Tingle books to unwind (Camp Damascus and Bury Your Gays, not his spicy books). Chuck Tingle is a good storyteller who writes badly, and when you're just sliiiightly loopy on sleeping aids or cold medicine it suddenly clicks. Some authors write good books, some write bad books, but there is a subset of authors who write good bad books. He's great, I love him.

I also enjoyed all the Murderbot Diaries books and novellas.

20. What did you want and get? After years of wishing, and saving, and paying things off, and checking job boards, and waiting for my kids to get old enough, I FINALLY got my one-way ticket out.
 

21. What did you want and NOT get? Ok I know I said my heart didn't start beating in that airport, but I really kind of wanted it to.

22. "So! How's your love life?"

23. What was your favorite film of this year? Sinners. Watched it twice.

 Also: A Real Pain, and Love and Monsters. My kids made me watch K-Pop Demon Hunters and ok, it was kind of rad.

 

24. Did you make some new friends this year?  I laid the groundwork for new friends. And reconnected with my childhood best friend. I am going to collect people this year.

25. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?  It would have been nice if my arch enemy had fallen off a horse and popped one of her new boobs.

26. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2025?  I don't think tank tops and jeans with a cardigan count as a concept, it's more of a default setting.

27. What kept you sane?  I stayed sane in the same way a person with no brakes on a steep curving cliffside road stays sane: white-knuckled and screaming. Also our couples therapist helped by taking me aside privately and telling me a few things I needed to hear.

28. Which celebrity/public figure were you into?  Well that did not happen. 

29. What political/news issue stirred you the most?   Keeping up with the news right now is like putting your hand down the garbage disposal to fish out a spoon. Even if it doesn't turn on and maim you, you're going to touch something disgusting. 

Instead, here is the list of stupid headlines that somehow made it to the front page of national news this year:

KJRH: Students serve homeless community 1 slice at a time

KJRH: Woman wants purse back from closed business

WBBH: Man riding lawn mower crashes into mailboxes

CNN: ‘Cake Bandit’ opossum hospitalized after indulging in an entire Costco cake

KOAT: Deer almost runs into skier

KSHB: Man wants raccoons as pets in Kansas

WBBH: Man turns iguana eggs into breakfast

WESH: Bear snoozes in tree outside school for hours

KABC: Celebrity dog Swaggy Wolfdog banned from Dodger Stadium after parking lot stunt

KOBI: Elementary students raise baby chicks

KCNC: Colorado celebrity alligator to be taxidermized

WVTM: Man catches fish with his hands

KOCO: Blazer donated to be turned into handbag

WTVF: Artist paints fair animals portraits in 1 hour

WLEX: Nurse gives drunk raccoon in dumpster CPR

KABC: Piles of rotting produce attracting large rats

KSBW: Salinas homeowner’s Halloween decorations repeatedly punched by jogger

WKMG Driver: I was ‘teleported’ into stolen BMW

30. Who did you miss? 

Oh, I was made of grief, and held together with anger. 

31. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2025. 

RUN TOWARDS THE DANGER.

Now catch your breath

We made it in at 3:30am. Two flights arrived at the same time because of the delays, and the line for taxis was so long the curb attendant was losing his nut.

“EH BUDDY THERE’S A LINE, YOU SEES IT? GET IN THE LINE.”

We had 5 suitcases and the cabbie who pulled up in a little sedan didn’t think he could fit them all in, waffling around until the attendant stomped over and waved his clipboard. “ITS A CAR, INNIT? IT GETS A BACK SEAT AND ALL, PILE THEM UP AND GET THE DAMN THINGS IN ALREADY.” He did. 

He’s my new hero. As we drove into St John’s, I told Zenny I was going to get a clipboard and scream at everyone who acts like they can’t use the copier machine at the library. 

We slept like logs until noon. Zenny was slow to get up, so I put on my coat and walked over to Sobeys to get tea and breakfast things. Tiny prickly snow whipped into my face, which I didn’t mind too much, but my handsome Sherlock coat is the kind of coat you wear while strolling a city, not stomping around in snow banks, so we took a ride to the mall and I got a proper waterproof one with a furry hood.

Laurie picked us up, and her husband cooked dinner (he’s from Reunion Island, off Madagascar, and the food is a lot like the Pacific Islands, except with a more spicy Indian influence, it’s really good) while we sat and talked and her mother told stories about my mom. My mother worked at their family’s restaurant through college, and the two moms traded babysitting, which is how Laurie and I became close friends. After trying to kill each other over My Little Ponies and Lady Lovely Locks hair extensions, of course. Fiery friendships last the longest sometimes.

We are on a goose chase, from auto dealership to DMV to insurance office and back to auto dealership, trying to button everything up legally so I can drive to Burin, get a mailing address, open a bank account, and register the girl for school. I’m not even stressed about it anymore, it’s just a ride, I have all the time in the world now. And there isn’t even snow on the road! It’s pissing down freezing rain. I’m getting to know all the uber drivers in the area, and I’m a good tipper, so we’re all best friends now.

The girl’s first stomp in snow

Mayor Ave

Beautiful cabbages with their leaves still on, begging to be painted 

You know what I am going to do for new year’s? Sleep without my house exploding and my tree getting set on fire by the neighbor’s aerial fireworks. I said I was going to figure out how to get away from the noise, and I fucking well left the country to do it. I win.

Last lap

We made it to Toronto,  through customs, onto Canadian soil as citizens! Our flight to Newfoundland has been delayed by snow and we won’t get in until about 2am, but it doesn’t even matter. Nobody can make me go back now. It’s a different feeling. The knot that lives in my chest is relaxing again, and this time I don’t have to tie it back up in a week.

The trend in long distance aviation is to drop the lights and temperature to make everyone hibernate in a dark tube for 9 hours, even when it’s mid-afternoon at your destination. I miss looking out the windows and sketching during long flights. Zenny laid down across the empty seat next to us and slept under her winter coat like a hedgehog for about 7 hours. I couldn’t manage any sleep, and got up a few times to pop my knees and visit the bathroom to put thermal leggings on under my jeans. I had grief about leaving and sat up all night wondering what I had done, but when they brightened up the windows and put plates of French toast and eggs in front of us, it began to feel more like the start of something good. It’s funny what feeding a person can do. 

We have free vouchers for dinner while we wait for the delayed flight, and I think there’s a Thai place around here somewhere. Zenny is watching the airport magician do tricks and drinking a peppermint hot cocoa. Everything is okay.

The internet gave me this while I was scrolling just now, huh.

GO

Shit, shit shit shit shit shit. 

People kept asking if I was excited about the trip, and I had to tell them no, it felt like reaching for something just out of grasp, that I wouldn’t trust that the rug wouldn’t get pulled out from under me until I was on the ground in Toronto.

This morning was a series of small hurdles to jump over. Zenny got a persistent cough and needed a visit to the walk-in clinic to make sure she was ok (she’s alright, just caught the cold going around). I had a checkup earlier in the week and my prescription wouldn’t be filled in time, but whatever, I don’t really need it. The bank had a question, but Mike said he’d call them from the pharmacy while picking up Zenny’s cold meds. My phone rang as I was zipping the last suitcase. I heard it in Mike’s voice as soon as I picked up. Here came the rug pull. He fucked up in a way he has never fucked up ever before, and he lost the financing for my house. The money is gone.

I called my mother. She drove over immediately. We put together a plan I have no control over, I am in the wind and it’s all in her hands now. “You have to go, you can’t go backwards, this will work out.” While I cried into her chest.

Then a snowstorm pushed our flight back 4 hours, to 2am. It may still get cancelled. Everything I was afraid of is happening.

We are at the airport, waiting at the gate. It’s midnight. I am feeling destabilized and scared in a way I’ve never felt before. I don’t know what I’m running towards, but I can’t look back now. 

Take your mark. Get set.

 “The holidays can be hard when you’re navigating a difficult change, because they’re often good,” my therapist said. “You’ve been dealing with these problems and feelings for a long time, and now you have tradition, family, happiness. But the holidays pass, and the issues are still there. You can let yourself enjoy this time, though. Be happy that everyone is together, and remember that you will have holidays every year, and people love you.”

Zenny slammed the bedroom door open at 5:04am and yelled “I LET YOU SLEEP IN 4 MINUTES EXTRA!” Mike’s entire body leaped a few inches off the bed like a salmon. My mother was in the kitchen, heating the kettle and fruitlessly trying to find coffee for my old pour-over coffee dripper - exposing herself as a lying liar who LIED about switching to decaf. I dug out my emotional support chai and made her a big strong cup while the kids upended their stockings and woke up the neighbors. I don’t care, if the neighbors can let their kids scream until 1:30am because it is a holiday, we can let ours scream at 5:04am for the same reason. Although if I’m honest, it was mostly my mother screaming, because I am maybe a bit too good at making industrial-strength tea.

NEW MOTORCYCLE GLOVES!

I had warned the adults of the family that I was kind of dropping the ball this year, what with all the repatriation paperwork and real estate negotiation and emotional crash-outs, so they rallied and made sure the kids had the fun stuff. Zenny tossed the insulated gloves and boots I bought her over her shoulder and tore into all the games and books. Leif got a discman and Lady Gaga cds because he’s interested in ancient history (I died of old age on the spot) and Gavin was excited about a color kindle to read obscure fantasy comics on. It was a big relief. It all turned out good, even though all I could really get my shit together with was the food. I sat on the couch under a pile of winter accessories (I WANTED insulated gloves and boots, thankyouverymuch), watching the cats rampage around their new kitty battle tower while the family filled the living room with shredded wrapping paper until it was time to get up and make eggs benedict à la prime rib. I didn’t fail completely, though - in a fit of ain’t-give-a-damn-about-internet-security that I had almost forgotten about, I ordered some really stupid t-shirts, a Murderbot “Rise and Fall of Sanctuary Moon” sweater, and an enormous floppy goose that went over really well. Nailed it - kind of accidentally, because I also painted my sister-in-law’s dog, who I did not realize had DIED, and made her cry happy tears when she got it in the mail. I should probably check Facebook more than twice a year.

It is all chocolate, Stranger Things (not the new season, we’re introducing Zenny to the first seasons because she’s finally old enough, so NO SPOILERS), and flaming figgy pudding from here on out.

Books and coos 

Eggs benny with tomato and roast beef. My mother worked her way through college as a cook at a restaurant,  so my poached egg game has to be ON POINT

It’s been messier 

The boy likes pianos, world history, and water fowl

Every year I find my favorite stupid shirts to give my kids something to talk about in therapy some day 

Billy liked the murder lair

I knitted that stocking when I was pregnant with him *sob*

Somehow they all fit breakfast on top of the chocolate they’d been eating for 3 hours

Look! Someone even took a picture of me. Kind of.

Evening at my mom’s house, and my hair was doing something good.

All the Eve leftovers go into a big meat pie on Christmas Day

‘Gluten for me, but not for thee’ figgy puddings, for people with and without allergies 

The walnut kept burning like a log until my mother poked it off with a fork and threw it in the sink

Mount the block

That "tits up" moment of bravery when you hear your event called only lasts until you get to the holding area, and then you're stuck pacing around anxiously, waiting for your heat. Those minutes usually include a sudden violent urge to run to the toilet, and you have to decide which you'd rather risk: missing the starting call or trying (and failing) to hold it in. I know it is always better to run for the locker room than it is to throw up or shit yourself in the middle of the event, and that is why I spent the weekend sobbing loudly in the car every time I was alone. After that, I slept like a baby - waking up screaming every two hours. Three days of nightmares and crying got the job done. I am exhausted, my eyes feel like I tried to squeeze them out of my own skull, but I’m better.

Now that my body has finished vomiting up all its feelings, I am up on the block. After the nightmares were done getting me angry enough to remember why I’m doing this, they switched channels and gave me discoveries in a new home by the sea filled with hidden passages and abandoned maritime relics, with a visit from a boy I used to love who told me to be more careful with what I share online. I jumped up and hugged him and said no.

I’m getting ready to board an Air Canada time machine back to the 90s, toss my smart watch and streaming services, buy a little vehicle (maybe a Subaru SUV, you monsters), and go find that house by the sea.

My kids humored me and posed for a group portrait. They decided to be very dignified. I want them to be the first painting I hang on my own walls.

It’s Christmas Eve, my best day. I bought the biggest prime rib I could find, and the Yorkshire pudding will be a foot high. Leif has forbidden me from calling the charcuterie a “shark coochie” platter, but I’ve got it loaded with meats and goat cheese and Brie. The mousse cake is chilling, the flourless chocolate cake is looking good. I don’t know what next year will look like, but today we are all together and everything is okay.

Merry Christmas out there.