CDC warns of dangerous new disease: Could be a terrorist plot to make you feel really really bad.
In an alarming move, the CDC held a press conference this afternoon warning the public of a new disease. "Crimiariver (pronounced Crie-Mee-ahh-riv-are), as the new disease is called, is spreading at an alarming rate accross the country" said the CDC's press secretary, Smith John.
"The new disease currently seems to only be infecting teenagers at the moment, but our researchers here have discovered that it may spread to young adults, people between the ages of 20 and 30 within the next ten years." He continued.
Parents and family are very alarmed at this situation. Sandra Holand, mother of two, when asked to go away, had this to say: "I am extremely concerned, I believe my two children may have this. My oldest child is not paying attention in school, and my youngets, well, he's just annoying, I think he has everything in the book."
How does one tell if your son or daughter has this newly discovered disease? Here are a list of symptoms that the CDC has identified so far.
- Nausea
- Upset Stomach
- Complaining
- Urges to listen to depressing music.
- Continuously uses the word "sucks".
- Light headedness.
However, these are only the current known symptoms, a concerned parent should be on the look out for other signs, these can range from the child doing anything wrong at all, to everything else.
Jeremy Lance, 15, and currently suffering from Crimiariver, had this to say, "What are you talking to me for? You suck. Your pencil sucks, this goddam chair sucks. I wish everyone would leave me alone. I hate you, my life sucks. Hey, is that a slipknot cd? No I don't like them, they suck. Maybe you could give it to me anyways though, since you know, they suck and all...." Unforunately that is all we have of the interview with Mr Lance, as the news crew got really frustrated, and left the building.
There have been rumors circulating around that this new disease could be a biologically engineered terrorist weapon, designed to make all of north america, feel really really bad about themselves, and possibly try to tell others as well. When asked about this, Smith John replied "No, this is nothing of the sort." At about this time, Jeremy Lance entered the room, and started to scream, "They are all against me! Terrorists suck!". It is unknown how Jeremy managed to find the news crew, as multiple attempts were made to loose him on the way to the press conference, unfortunately, Crimiariver seems to also cause the victim to develop the incredible ability to search out people who might listen to him or her. "I must have hit him over the head at least twenty times." Said Mike, the boom operator, "He just kept trying to talk to me, and show me his rubber bracelets."
Is this new disease a terrorist plot? Maybe it's not even a disease at all? Maybe I'm not even a journalist? Wheres my danish?
Only time will tell...
"The new disease currently seems to only be infecting teenagers at the moment, but our researchers here have discovered that it may spread to young adults, people between the ages of 20 and 30 within the next ten years." He continued.
Parents and family are very alarmed at this situation. Sandra Holand, mother of two, when asked to go away, had this to say: "I am extremely concerned, I believe my two children may have this. My oldest child is not paying attention in school, and my youngets, well, he's just annoying, I think he has everything in the book."
How does one tell if your son or daughter has this newly discovered disease? Here are a list of symptoms that the CDC has identified so far.
- Nausea
- Upset Stomach
- Complaining
- Urges to listen to depressing music.
- Continuously uses the word "sucks".
- Light headedness.
However, these are only the current known symptoms, a concerned parent should be on the look out for other signs, these can range from the child doing anything wrong at all, to everything else.
Jeremy Lance, 15, and currently suffering from Crimiariver, had this to say, "What are you talking to me for? You suck. Your pencil sucks, this goddam chair sucks. I wish everyone would leave me alone. I hate you, my life sucks. Hey, is that a slipknot cd? No I don't like them, they suck. Maybe you could give it to me anyways though, since you know, they suck and all...." Unforunately that is all we have of the interview with Mr Lance, as the news crew got really frustrated, and left the building.
There have been rumors circulating around that this new disease could be a biologically engineered terrorist weapon, designed to make all of north america, feel really really bad about themselves, and possibly try to tell others as well. When asked about this, Smith John replied "No, this is nothing of the sort." At about this time, Jeremy Lance entered the room, and started to scream, "They are all against me! Terrorists suck!". It is unknown how Jeremy managed to find the news crew, as multiple attempts were made to loose him on the way to the press conference, unfortunately, Crimiariver seems to also cause the victim to develop the incredible ability to search out people who might listen to him or her. "I must have hit him over the head at least twenty times." Said Mike, the boom operator, "He just kept trying to talk to me, and show me his rubber bracelets."
Is this new disease a terrorist plot? Maybe it's not even a disease at all? Maybe I'm not even a journalist? Wheres my danish?
Only time will tell...
