...and leave mine to me

...and leave mine to me

und Keine Eier

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My thoughts on the disaster that was meant to be a music festival	[11 Jul 2012\|12:26am]
First, I want to say that I attended Bloc last year, coming all the way from San Francisco, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Thus, I felt it was a good investment of my time and money to come back this year. So many names on the line up, many of which we almost never (if not never) get to see in the States, seemed like a worthwhile investment on my part. And, given how awesome Bloc was in 2011, I had no reason to believe this would be any different. In fact, it should be easier as I could stay in London and not worry about transport to some far and away bit of Britain. When I arrived, I could already see that things were fucked. That much of a line at 6 PM was a truly bad sign. It was moving somewhat rapidly, and it wasn't as long as I've experienced for some concerts, but I could see from the outside that the venue did not have the capacity to support all the folks in line, let alone all the people who would show up from 6 PM onward. That could be quite a number of people! Now, I'm not good at estimating numbers or volume, but I can only assume, as event producers, that that is your primary focus when throwing an event such as Bloc in a new location. Will it fit everyone? And will it fit everyone in the main arena at midnight when EVERYONE and their dog wants to see Snoop? I could immediately tell that something was wrong as I entered the twisty windy bit of the entrance and we were herded through like cattle at an abattoir. I never like that feeling when I'm going into a show, but I accept it as part of the security pat down and screening process. It's just a part of life in the 21st century. Got to make sure no one has a weapon or a massive stash of drugs. Fine, whatever, let's get in and see Steve Reich! Things went rapidly downhill once I went in. I saw Steve Reich (one of my long time dreams, thanks for that!) and I wandered over to the Ableton boat. I quite enjoyed the set up you had -- truly attractive with lots of thought to detail (skeleton horses! steampunk punch bar! fire breathing dragon!). It was lovely, really. But as soon as I wandered over that way, I could see that there wouldn't be much reason to hike over this way, as all the music was focused in one big area. I bet most people that night didn't even head toward that part of the event. Their loss, but also a big fail on the part of the Bloc producers and venue providers, as they didn't seem to account for this in their capacity planning. Look, I know you need to recoup costs and all, but you have to assume all the people you sell tickets to will want to be in the main area during midnight; it's just a given and a law of physics of crowds. You have to make sure things are safe, that you have enough security and that you can sell water (and other drinks) quickly enough to sate the crowd. This just didn't seem to be accounted for. Add to that the fact that you couldn't even get on the boat, even if you wanted to. The worst thing I experienced at the event, other than the fear of being trampled to death when everyone pushed down the barriers to get in to see Snoop, was people smoking and pissing in corners. Since no one could leave the stage areas for fear of not getting back in, they were just peeing where they could and smoking everywhere. I really loved how Butlins had a place outside to smoke and plenty of nice bathrooms. Portapotties at 100 Pounds a ticket is a bit ridiculous. And coming home reeking of smoke? Not my cup of tea. Butlins was such a pleasant and fun experience. I met tons of people going outside for a quick breath of air and maybe a cigarette, if I felt like it. Now, I don't want to paint a sob story, but I spend QUITE a lot of money to come over from SF and a huge amount of time flying and I looked forward to this with glee in my heart for months. I feel terribly let down. Most of the acts I wanted to see (besides Steve Reich and Nathan Fake) were on Saturday night, so I was sort of biding my time Friday and really anticipating Saturday. I didn't even get to see one act Saturday. Now, I don't think it's totally reasonable for you to reimburse me my plane ticket and all but truly I wouldn't have come to London if not for Bloc and now I'm left with a bunch of time to kill and a gaping hole in my heart where a music festival should have been. Please, you should really have a fallback plan and a GOOD estimate of how many people you can realistically fit into an area, with enough security to actually deal with the crowds before even BOOKING a venue. You also should not even think about booking a venue or setting up a concert if you can't fit every single person into the main area during the main act. We paid good money to get to this festival, expecting to see a certain amount of artists. We have to be able to get that out of an event, or we're all going to be miffed. And canceling the event? Do you understand that I never, ever get to see SND, Orbital or Alva Noto in the US? It is so important to me to see them that I book a plane ticket and spend 11 hours cramped in a tiny seat just to get to this Island of Great Britain and then get over to the Pleasure Gardens, shove myself AGAIN into a tiny place only to have my dreams ripped away. I was and am terribly sad and hurt. I would expect this from a dodgy rave producer but not from a crew that has thrown several successful large scale events. I also heard that you could easily scam a ticket since your ticketing system was unencrypted. I would definitely like my money refunded ASAP. Please let me know if you're going to do that, and how you're going to do that. Otherwise, I will have to take matters into my own hands with my credit card company. But I'm trying to give you guys the time to sort things out. I'm not sure if there's anything else you can do to repair or assuage my sadness. Maybe you could encourage Orbital to come to San Francisco at some point in the future? Alva Noto and SND as well? Maybe pay for my plane fare next time I come to the UK? Not sure, but be creative! And next time, seriously estimate your stuff and listen to the police when they say you're not going to be able to fit that many people into a venue. Thanks for reading.
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fuck gender, easy	[23 Jan 2012\|05:44pm]
before i even write the thing i want to write, i will say this: i think all people should be able to define who they are, what they want, what they want to be called and so on. if you want to be a woman, be a woman. if you want to be a man, be a man. if you want to be neither, or both, be neither, or both. but you'll have a lot of problems if you want to be neither or both, and that's what this is about. most of my life i knew i was not like other girls. true, i did go through a pink phase, and i was really into horses (for a second) and i wasn't a huge fan of monster truck rallies, or sports. but i also like computers and science, i have always enjoyed getting dirty and bruised, i like to fix things and i swear like a fucking sailor. i tuned out when girls talked about boyfriends, or painting their nails, or waxing their arm hair. and i tuned out when boys talked about "the game." i picked and chose what i wanted based on what i genuinely cared about. but it's been terribly hard, because there is so much sense of "supposed to" built in to our society and our upbringing. it's been terribly hard and it's been terribly confusing -- i just don't know where i fit in. growing up in genderly oppressive southern california and uber conformist michigan, i felt like an outsider, constantly standing on the sidelines and watching people pass me by, acting out heteronormativity in a way that never felt comfortable to me. finally, when i moved to the bay area, i realized i could start exploring gender. i dated women, i dated men, i dated trans women and trans men. i lived in an lgbtq co-op. i dressed in drag. i studied science, i studied music. i explored everything. i still felt left out. and i still feel left out today. whenever i read a trans blog and see hatred and anger against cis people, i feel left out. well, i guess i'm cis since i do appear female and i have female parts. but it doesn't feel like me. i have more in common with the trans folks. or when i watch my gay friends using grindr, i feel left out. i want to cruise for men that easily. or when i dress up as a man and ogle the cute gay men and the cute straight women, i feel left out. i'm not what they want, because of some equipment malfunction at the plant the day i was born. gender assignment is ultimately the most evil thing i've ever experienced in our society. we're delegated these names and categories, somewhat arbitrarily based on the junk between our legs and in our bodies. and these assumptions create more assumptions about what we can and can't do. as a girl, i was told to pretend to be less smart so boys would like me. as a girl, i've been sexually harassed. as a girl, i've been offered fewer opportunities. i have less privilege. but i don't feel like a girl, and all of this frustrates me to no end. i started seriously dressing as a man over the course of this past month. it's been so liberating. it's the first time i've felt comfortable out at clubs. i've felt like myself in a way i've never felt before. i felt like, all this time, dressing up in women's clothing has really been dressing in drag for me and dressing up as a man is just right. but i'm not a trans man and i doubt i ever will transition. so where do i fit in? ultimately, while i support the trans community and i believe that all folks should be able to pick and choose their pronouns and names and identities, i also feel that a trans woman is still a woman and a trans man is still a man. and this perpetuates the bullshit idea of gender. i don't want to have to pick. i want to be able to be a woman for a day, or a week, or even five minutes. i want to be a man whenever i choose. and i don't want to have to explain it to anyone, or pick a pronoun or even talk about the gender i'm identifying as because it changes. transitioning is subversive, but denying gender as a whole is revolutionary. fuck the system, get out of it. let's move beyond gender as a concept, because it stifles and limits us all.
10 synapses\| make a connection

cataclysm	[09 Jan 2012\|06:24pm]
We couldn’t have known at the beginning of the year that it was the end. It didn’t really become clear until somewhere mid March. Maybe March 15th, 2012. For poetic justice, or license, or liberties or what have you. That’s when the fate really settled in around us. That’s when the body count became higher than the amount of those still alive. We all kind of wondered what was going on, but not really at first. First it was just a bizarre string of coincidences. On January 1st, 2012, a neighbor died. The next day, a best friend’s wife passed away. By midweek, it seemed just an incredibly unlucky new year. But slowly, the reality started to fade in. It wasn’t long before funeral homes stopped processing new orders. And funeral directors just quit. Morgues stopped operating, too. Morticians quit. Soon everyone quit. We saw the writing on the wall, we wanted to cherish our last days, together. Outside. There were no freak accidents, no raining down of fire and brimstone. No comets crashed down to earth, making us all choke on bitter ash and molten rock. No nukes were launched. No attacks were made. Just people dying. Dying of natural causes. Every day, without fail. Children were born, but as often as not they were stillborn. The population began to decrease. Rapidly. Although we don’t know what is causing this strange rash of seemingly coincidental yet too close for comfort string of deaths around the world, one thing is for certain. No one will make it out of 2012 alive. Sure, some people hope and pray and dream. They cry out to their gods day in and day out. They worship in the churches or on the streets or in the rivers. But we all know. We just know. No one will make it out of 2012 alive. We’re not quite sure what day it is, those of us that are still left today. The power went out a while ago and we have settled into ancient ways, telling the time by shifting light. Marking down passing days and passing people by scrawling in the dust. And all of us wondering the same thing: Who will be left tomorrow?
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ok, journal	[30 Nov 2010\|12:49am]
here's something weird that happened. back from napa, i find a package in my mailbox. it's a dvd, no card, just in a usps dvd shipping pouch. it says two things on it, from 1987 and 1998. it's from my mom's boyfriend, but addressed to me. the videos are encoded as vob files. i play them in vlc. they're of very young me around christmas, with my mom's family. i wonder if there are any videos of me with my dad's family. it's odd because i'm 5 and very awkward and shy. it's odd because my parents are interacting with each other, which they haven't done in over 10 years. it's odd because my mom's boyfriend sent it to me. it's odd because i haven't talked to my mom much in the past couple months. i feel a bit like i'm in some kind of movie. then this would be the movie within a movie flashback scene. the other video is from when i was in youth symphony. i'm 16. fucking conductor was such a little napoleon douche and he made us play all strauss. i hate strauss. that, at least, has remained constant from when these tapes were taken til now. i fucking hate strauss.
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touch me touch me touch me touch me

[23 Nov 2010|11:33pm]

[

mood

excited

]

just getting ready to be seriously groped, because matt and i are heading to london for my birthday. squee! there is a really awesome looking festival happening the weekend of my birthday, by the SEA, near bristol. (i always like how in british films and books, people are always going to the sea to recover from some illness or other.) this festival is called bloc. i'm pretty sure matt just agreed to go because of their helvetica. it involves aphex twin and many other exciting artists.

then we have a couple weeks to jaunt about europe, on something i believe they call a "vacation."

that is, unless the world ends before then. or, like, the koreas fuck everything up.

assuming everything is fine, however, what should we do? we are thinking paris and biking in the loire valley, maybe some spain. but there's also wales and scotland, too. i think the promise of beautiful cheese in france is going to be the winner, though.

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tiny plane

[20 Jun 2010|07:20pm]

[

mood

amused

]

I'm sitting on a crj700, possibly the tiniest plane I've been on, except prop planes and puddle jumpers. This plane is like a bus that flies. There's one tiny bathroom in the back and each row consists of four seats, two on each side of the tiny aisle. All the folks with roll on carry-on bags had to gate check them because they're too big to fit in the overhead bins. Tiny plane is tiny.

and headed for dallas. Yup, this will be my first trip to ye ol texas. I'm spending a few days with our inside sales reps, learning what I can about why people do or don't buy our software, so I can make it better. It's all part of my newly acquired role as product manager. Don't worry if you don't know what that is; few people do. But I love what I am doing. Essentially, I do a bunch of research, by any means necessary. Then I translate that into requirements for our coders and designers. I work very close with a designer to make sure any new screen makes maximal sense and then we ship awesome software.

finally, we profit.

1 synapse| make a connection

octoblog	[11 Mar 2009\|09:44pm]
also i started an octoblog and it is here: http://octoblog.tumblr.com/ go here for your daily cephalopod.
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your daily (dumbo) octopus	[11 Mar 2009\|05:07pm]
the dumbo octopus is a rare member of the octo family. living near the bottom of the sea floor -- some have been sighted at 7000m! -- these guys are rarely seen. they all have flippers on their "ears" -- hence the disney-elephant name. some grow up to 20cm. they're little! and super weird looking.
3 synapses\| make a connection

your daily cephalopod	[10 Mar 2009\|08:21pm]
i should just change my livejournal to be an octoblog:
4 synapses\| make a connection

holy octopod!

[09 Mar 2009|04:48pm]

[

mood

busy

]

all hail!

read more about the holy octopus, oobu, including fascinating tales of his offspring (one of whom appears to be a gay squid, oppo.

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long time

[26 Feb 2009|11:56pm]

[

mood

peaceful

]

so i got caught up in work and the whole idea of writing in the off hours (besides maintaining my serial killer profile on twitter) has become repugnant to me. but that's wrong. i want to write, i want to keep track of my life and its events. i was afraid for a while of lj folding and thereby stripping me of all the contents i've squirreled away here. but fear is the mind killer, ay? why let it stand in my way...

what i mean to say is i had my first acupuncture appointment today. maybe it's placebo effect, maybe it's chi, but whatever it is i feel amazing. she stuck a few needles in me, gave me some herbs and left me to sit under a heat lamp. shortly, i fell asleep. those who say that acupuncture does not hurt are lying. there are needles and they are sticking into your skin! that shit is painful. interesting though that the pain and intensity varies from location to location. some places felt intense and full of pressure that suddenly released and pulsed as the needle entered. other places felt just like a prick while a few places actually made me cry out. and i have a pretty high tolerance for pain and needles (witness the many holes and inks in my body).

the gist of all this is that i'm kind of amazed that i can feel this way. it makes me realize that regardless a lot of feeling good is within my grasp. it just has to be something i believe in. if i believe i can heal i will heal. if i believe i can be content, i will find the stillness i have been seeking all this time. it is within me.

lying there in the heat lamp, needles sticking out of my head, arms, legs and stomach i really sank into my thoughts. i let sounds and other sensations wash over me. pleasant, it felt a lot like being under water but being part of the water too. the fabric of time and life surrounds me, us, we pass through it and each other as we move through the world.

i also got into my first real car accident. but that feels strangely trivial now. the first thing everyone said to me when i told them about it, including some random latino dudes standing at the corner, was that at least i wasn't hurt. at the time the shock and stress were so overwhelming i didn't appreciate this fact. but now that i've floated out of space and time and come back into my body with the peace of the universe in my grasp i realize it's true. money, cars, objects they come and go at a much faster rate than we do.

i must sleep now. for the first time in my recent memory i feel like sleep could actually come when my head hits the pillow. i feel at peace.

5 synapses| make a connection

all i ever wanted	[07 Jan 2009\|01:59pm]
is this:
2 synapses\| make a connection

sans phone	[02 Jan 2009\|12:53pm]
apparently my new years resolution is to ditch my cell phone. or to have it ditch me. that's right, my phone is dead. and let me tell you...trying to get a phone replaced, even while it's covered by a warranty, is a pain in the fucking ass. i'm seriously considering canceling my contract with sprint, getting a land line and ditching the whole cell phone bizniz. it may be inconvenient but i'm tired of dealing with capitalism's bullshit. in the mean time, if you're trying to text or call me...email me instead.
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good byyyyeeee itunes

[02 Dec 2008|12:00pm]

[

mood

happy

]

hello songbird 1.0!

love the last.fm integration, which provides info about artists as i listen and scrobbles without a separate app.

would love to have network-ability (like itunes -- so i can share my music with people at work, and listen to their music).

also integration with my keyboard shortcuts would be great, so i can play/pause and skip to next track without moving my mouse.

much less janky than previous beta versions, although jankiness abides -- mostly in the menus and navigation. i have faith -- given the leaps and bounds they've progressed since previous versions -- that future versions will be even better.

too bad they didn't decide to hire me :P

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JSON is the bringer

[19 Nov 2008|04:49pm]

[

mood

amused

]

reading up on JSON for new developer docs, i come upon this lovely snippet:

Widely hailed as the successor to XML in the browser, JSON aspires to be nothing more than a simple, and elegant data format for the exchange of information between the browser and server; and in doing this simple task it will usher in the next version of the World Wide Web itself.

ALL HAIL JSON! BRINGER OF NEW INTARWEBZ! HAIL!

wtf.

2 synapses| make a connection

holy crap omg wtf bbq	[19 Nov 2008\|02:45pm]
bike hero -- guitar hero played on a bike. they put in star power and everything! horrry clap!
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all hail our new overlord!

[05 Nov 2008|10:12am]

[

mood

mixed

]

this is the first time in my life that i'm proud to be an american, but not proud to be a californian.

at least the farm animals get to stretch their limbs.

also our new president made me cry. i've never, ever cried tears of joy for any election EVAR.

5 synapses| make a connection

zzzzzzzzzbang

[10 Oct 2008|02:59pm]

[

mood

nervous

]

leaving for thailand tonight. don't fuck up the country while i'm gone.

oh...wait...

3 synapses| make a connection

"my hero"

[08 Oct 2008|12:15pm]

[

mood

hopeful

]

John McCain keeps lauding Ronald Reagan as "my hero." This is a tip of the hat to all those conservatives out there; anyone who supports trickle down economics just leaps at the mention of Reagan. Meanwhile, I think it's important to remember what Reagan's legacy was for this country, specifically with regard to homelessness, social services and the savings and loan crisis (List of scandals from the Reagan administration).

Before Reagan took office, the homeless population in this country was so small it couldn't be counted. After Reagan's two terms were over, the levels of homelessness reached near what they currently are, thanks to his cutting funding for HUD (Housing and Urban Development -- section 8 housing for low income families) and closing mental institutions (many of which housed PTSD and schizophrenia suffering Vietnam veterans). (see this article)

Reagan said in an interview that "They [the homeless] make it their choice to sleep out there." This completely disregards the fact that he was directly involved in putting them out on the street, by cutting funding for social services, urban projects and state/city budgets. Speaking of the mental institutions that closed under his watch, Reagan says that mental patients "walked away from those institutions - they wanted freedom... ." (see this article)

How can McCain consistently call out such a villain as a "hero?" How is it possible for the conservatives to ignore the failing state of the poor -- the very people who have toiled in America for centuries, building our economy by building our goods and exports? Why do people believe that trickle down economics actually works? Do people believe that it actually works?

I constantly wonder if the people who support cutting social services do so only because they have been corrupted by greed and power. I can think of no other reason to want the people of this nation out on the streets. The only arguments I have heard in support of getting rid of this somewhat socialist type of funding consistently blame the victims, call out the non-existent "welfare queen" and support putting tax dollars into the hands of only the very wealthy (who then go spend them on fancy spa vacations, even as their corporations are being bailed out by the government).

America is a country of diversity and wealth, yet the wealth seems not to flow across the diverse spheres. I cannot say that Barack Obama will make the changes necessary to save this country from its current downward trajectory. However, he does seem to have an open mind toward social services and saving the middle class. As someone who consistently cites his own experience with poverty, Obama has the necessary background to understand the situation the majority of this country find themselves in. But once he's in office, will he leverage it to better our nation, or will he fold under pressure like Bill Clinton?

I, for one, hope we get to find out.

10 synapses| make a connection

my state wins	[02 Oct 2008\|04:55pm]
mccain's pulling out of michigan. doesn't he know withdrawal isn't an effective method of birth control?
7 synapses\| make a connection

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