the great balancing act

Dear Anyone who feels I've forgotten, neglected, avoided, snubbed, or let you down--

It's a lie! At the very least, it's unintentional. :) My body is falling apart right now. I'm not sure why...no one seems to know why. But as someone who has a hard time saying no...to anyone...or turning my back...on anyone or anything...I am definitely learning a lesson I've never had to learn before. During Justin's deployment, I learned I could do hard things--I mean, REALLY hard things. I learned how to be all things to all people. I sucked it up. I powered through. I played every role that needed to be played... and I survived! I relied on the Lord, day in & day out. He taught me what I was capable of...and now He's teaching me what I am NOT capable of:

1. I am NOT capable of functioning when the physical

& emotional break down at the same time.

I have anxiety issues...a genetic inheritance from my Dad.

I would have preferred a house by the lake--but, you know how it goes, "You get what you get, and you don't throw a fit!" SO...I deal with it...I handle it...it's under control... usually. When I'm physically strong, I can handle the emotional stuff. When I'm emotionally strong, I can handle the physical stuff. I'm quickly learning that when they collapse together...which has never really happened before...I'm pretty much toast. My energy level is zero.

My emotional capacity is zero.

2. I am NOT capable of being all things to all people

in the midst of said breakdown.

There is nothing that makes me cringe more, than the thought that I have let someone down, hurt someone's feelings, or dropped the ball. I'm always the first to volunteer...sign up to do something, bring something, be something, etc...whether I feel up to it, or not! I'm usually glad I did...and the thought that anyone is ever left hanging, is painful for me (because I know how that feels)...so I just keep signing up. Like I said, it's usually do-able & under control...and, most often, rewarding. I am learning through a series of painful experiences, that when you are at ZERO...you, quite literally, have NOTHING to give. I'm learning that the only way to make things better...and they MUST get better...is to experiment. Try new things, different things, different combinations of new & different things. Unfortunately, the journey consists of a lot of crash & burns...leading to said breakdown. Hopefully, it will pay off in the end with a resolution.

In the meantime...my only choice is to put anything not directly related to my day-to-day survival, and my ability to care for my family...on hold. Believe me, I've tried to keep all those balls in the air, while I try to figure this out...and they keep falling on my head--hard! They might kill me before whatever it is I have does!

3. I am NOT capable of controlling what

other people think of me.

We moved to Lindon in the midst of this Chronic Fatigue fiasco. (If you're not familiar, you can read about it here

or here.) Anyhow, I have never felt more NOT like myself. I find myself wishing we could be somewhere else--where people know me...the real me...the pre-Chronic Fatigue me. Somewhere where people know this is a temporary set-back...where people know who I really am...what I'm capable of...and who I will be again when the dust settles. It seems like some kind of cruel joke that we move to the place where we plan to live forever, at the same time that I am at the bottom of my barrel. I feel like the person I am now--the person all these Lindon-ites have met--is the anti-Sue! All of my best qualities & greatest gifts...the things that I feel define me...feel painfully absent. I feel that I'm constantly letting people down--people who don't know, that is NOT me. They just think I'm the new hermit lady who moved into the cul-de-sac. I wish I could go away...figure it out...get better...get myself back...then come back & re-introduce myself to all the people who only know me post-Chronic Fatigue--who only know my nemesis, anti-Sue! I feel lost because no one here knows ME...and how could they? I haven't shown up yet.

4. I am NOT able to choose my trials...only

how I choose to deal with them.

The funny thing is...I usually choose the "have faith, pray for strength, & power through" approach to my trials. The Lord has made it abundantly clear...especially in the last few weeks...that I need to choose another path for this one. The more I push...the further I fall. It seems that coming off the heels of Justin's deployment (which was definitely a "push forward & power through" kind of trial), the Lord is trying to teach me that isn't always the answer. Sometimes the answer is to slow down, simplify, take stock, & re-group. Sometimes the answer is to eliminate anything that isn't essential...not forever, but for now...for the sake of strengthening the basics. I guess I wasn't listening, so He had to take me to zero to get me to stop...and listen...and change. Oh, man...I'm having a moment of clarity. Why, why, why didn't that come earlier?! It would have saved a lot of heartache! I guess that's part of the "learning" portion of this "life is a test" thing. Hmmm. Interesting.

Okay...well, I think I'm done.

I got on to post an apology/explanation to the people I care for...who may not be feeling cared for at the moment. This is what came. And that is why I call this little blog-o-mine my therapist...and friend! So if I drop off the grid for a bit...don't worry...I'll be back, eventually. If you don't hear from me, it's not because I don't LOVE you...it's because I DO love you...and me...and my sweet kiddos...and my hot husband...and I want to have SOMETHING to give. I just need to find it, & fix it, & make it give-able again.

good things...

1. clarity

2. my friend, blogger

3. my sweet husband, sleeping on the couch next to me, while I visit my therapist ;)

I was SO happy to have Eden & Ammon all to myself for an extra week! Eden is starting kindergarten, and Ammon is starting preschool. The "big guys" started a week ahead of them, so the "little guys" got some "mommy time" before school started for them. I have to say, I probably enjoyed it more than they did. They are both so sweet...especially together. They really are best friends. I love eavesdropping while they're playing--they crack me up! Watching them sends me back in time to when Guy & I were little. Guy was always my best friend...I hope Eden & Ammon are given that same blessing.

I always have the HARDEST time narrowing down pictures! So...because this is my blog, i'm posting every stinkin' one! Because I said so...