The Big Quiet

I have not written in such a long time.  Hustle and bustle, zig and zag, run, do, act, try, cope, care, laugh, live.  Life has been so busy with mundane silliness.  And then the past few weeks happened and we entered The Big Quiet as we face a global pandemic.  Sure, the scientist and science fiction writers told us this was coming.  Our logical brains heard them but we marched on in divine denial. 

Here we are grateful that we are called to confine vs. called to war.  We look at our children and are grateful they are fighting a silent enemy vs. soldiers from another land.

We will get through this.  We will see obnoxious and foolish behavior.  We will also see kindness and caring.  For now I will work on finding myself again.  I am grateful for the time off and that we have what we need at present.  Wishing the world the same during scary times.

Really?

I have learned not to say "it can not get worse."

Note to self: It can.

I have learned to love the small moments of joy... I have come to believe that celebrating the small moments each day can out weigh the possibility of a large ass "Hey! I won the Lotto!" moment that will likely never come in this lifetime.

My mom said: "You can only be as happy as your most unhappy child."

The Bitch was right.  Sorry mom, but when your truth is so harsh, I have gotta say, "Bitch was right!" You were so fucking right about this; damn, I wish it were not true.

I am reading Furiously Happy.  A close friend recommended it to me as she knew my live has been a bad ass suck recently.  Dealing with my father's dementia and my son's depression these past few years has been a double kick in the ass.  I am simply happy to have survived these past few years.

But now I am looking for more.  Now, I want life.  Now, I want joy.  Now I want my son to live up to his great potential. Now is the time for him to get off his ass and chase his dreams.

 Sure, I need to support him (and help him gain the skills missed due to life's crazy ass circumstance). Seriously, how do you hold a suicidal kid accountable to being a responsible human being when you know that his illness precludes normal responsible behavior?

 But really, if I write about it, won't IT HAPPEN?  If I share the struggle, won't I help the positive reality come to fruition?  I have to believe this is true. I have to believe that I can make a difference.  Otherwise, I'm in for another year of SHIT.  I'm done with shit. I'm ready for JOY and HOPE.

Fuck it.  I've followed the advice of the professionals.  I've supported my son.  It is time for us to KICK ASS.  I am tired of being drained.  We will find joy this year.  For real.  I mean it.  I can't wait to write about it as we both gain a foothold on the greatness this crazy ass life has to offer.

We will not be beaten.  We will go from "survive" to THRIVE!

2016 will be the year to be serene.  We can do better.  I will not settle for just surviving another year.

2015

2015 kicked my ass.  I am not ashamed of this.... I am proud that I survived it!  Dealing with a suicidal teen, grad school classes to maintain teaching certification, my father's dementia, 2 concussions, and a plethora of bullshit made me stronger.  I am starting to read "Furiously Happy" and I feel I have found my sister from another mother.

I refuse to let this life kick my ass any more.  I refuse to give up.  I refuse to accept that I am a failure as I am far from it.  I am a survivor.  I am strong.  I am determined.  I am not going to fall apart.  I am going to drag my ass into happiness and force my son to do the same.  Life is a challenge, but we don't have a choice.  Time to suck it up.  Serene in 2016!

For realsies? How can you be so cold?

I know that my life is not "normal".  I get it that many can not relate to me because my son tried to kill himself nearly 2 years ago and my dad suffers from rapidly progressing dementia.

But really, can people be so clueless when they know my circumstances?  When I say that I know that the crazy will end and that it will be exciting to be a "normal person" some day soon, does she really have to say that "life is never norma" and there are always challenges?

Does she not get it that her grandmother's illness does not compare to my FATHER's?  Really?  You still have your grandparents and parents.  My grandparents are dead.  My mom is dead.  My dad is dying..... sorry, I just don't think you GET IT just because your 92 year old grandmother is sick.  My dad is 76 and he will be gone soon.  Your sick grandma is sad, but your parents are perfectly fucking healthy.  Drink a cup of shut the fuck up.

When I am sad that my son is suicidal and attempted to take his life nearly 2 years ago, can you just pretend to have sympathy?  Fucking really?  You want to say "At least he isn't dead."  Fuck yes he isn't dead -- he has been my only focus for 2 YEARS!  I've live on pins and needles for 2 YEARS doing all I can to keep my wonderful son ALIVE.  You are single and you get your grading done in a timely manner.  Congratulations bitch, glad you have no real worries in life.

I don't seek sympathy.  I don't want to be Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh.  But really?  You can't support me when I optimistically say that "I can't wait that it will get better next year?"  With optimism I proclaim "Just you wait to see me when life isn't crazy! I will be able to accomplish amazing things!"

Hello!  Can't you just agree?  Must you really say that there will always be something?    Are you fucking kidding me?  The last 2 years are beyond something.

I don't want anyone to live my life; I don't want anyone to fully appreciate what it is like.  I would never wish this on my worst enemy.  But really, knowing my circumstances for the past 6 years, you can't cut me a little slack and pretend to agree that IT WILL GET BETTER?

Fuck you M. and the horse you road in on.

I hope you never know what it is like to be me.  I'm sorry you are single and can manage it all without a blink.  Kudos to you!  Enjoy it.  Embrace it.  For God's sake, APPRECIATE IT!

May you never know what it is like to have your father dying while you try to keep your suicidal son alive while going to school to keep your teaching certification, while working 2 jobs to pay the bills because you were on the low end when wages were frozen.

Enjoy your high end of the pay scale.  Enjoy your GRANDPARENTS while I grieve the loss of my parents (I lost my last grandparent my freshman year in college, you are far past those years).  Enjoy your happy lonely life; just stop fucking judging me.  I will never live up to your standards because I have a live outside of work.  My life is amazing.  My pain is great but my joy is great as well.  Get a life M.  You would be shocked at how much joy you can gain through the suffering.

Oh, by the way.....  Don't tell me that "There will always be something, that is how life is."  Fuck you.  You have no clue how rough life can be and I do not wish it upon you.  Really?  Can't you just pretend to relate?  You are the reason I hate to be around people.  You are the reason I hate social occasions.  You are the reason that I don't go to the lunch room for lunch.  You are the reason I keep to myself and focus on my family and students.

You don't get it.

I hope and pray you never will.

Dementia... are they really calling him?

Dad says he is getting calls from a reporter wanting to interview him.  His phone is his lifeline and yet it sometimes holds unpredictable dangers.  I wish I could be there to protect him always.  He is so confused.  My brother will check his caller ID tomorrow and see what the story is.  This is not a made up delusion as those revolve around dad messing up at work (he is retired) and that people are stealing from him (nothing is missing, he just hides things and can't find them).

Dementia is cruel.  I wish I could make it easier for him.

Suicide Attempt Survival:
It is almost 2 years now since my son made a serious attempt on his life.  I have lost count of hospitalizations but am grateful he is still alive and improving slowly.  Suicide is a cruel temptation.  Even when not "completed" lives of all around are shattered as we try to support our loved one without enabling.  It is even harder to tell the difference between depression and lazy teen tendencies.

I am so tired.  I am hopeful, but so darn tired.

Grief

When my son attempted suicide almost 2 years ago I was lost.  I thought if we just survived those first few days our problems would be over.  This was just a fluke, right?  My world was rocked and I didn't know up from down.  I didn't realize what a long path it would be to recovery (if we ever get there completely... will the fear go away?).

When a smart kid makes a serious attempt (he survived, but it was a miracle).  After the suicide attempt you are left to question all that you believed about life and this world.  Questions about daily living, faith, your parenting skills, your value, your failures.... you are not safe ever from the questions that can't be answered.  As a parent you can do everything you think is right.  You can talk to your kid.  You can watch for signs.  You can consult with professionals and you can still fail.

I am not a fan of failure, but I'm learning to accept that sometimes it is unavoidable.  You can put all of your energy into making it better and still you may make just minuscule steps forward.  Access to great educational resources and healthcare is not enough.  I guess I am meant to appreciate the baby steps.  I guess I am meant to live in the right now vs. looking toward the future.  Two years in to this I question how much stamina I still possess.

I am not suicidal, but I have lost the will to live.  I admit it.

This is a moment when I just feel like there is no end to the suffering; I just don't want to suffer anymore.  If I measure progress since his attempt I am happier; if I measure where we need to be I am in the pit of despair.  I don't want to be Eeyore or Debbie Downer to those in my life who know the battle and support us.

Yet, I'm unable to relate to family and friends who are blissfully unaware.  I would never want them to know what this is like, but I simply can't relate to people who have normal problems.  Small talk at parties makes me want to stab my eyes out.  I don't want to be social because it takes too damn much energy to pretend to relate to normal people.

We are hanging on... I want to get back to enjoying life and appreciating it more.

Dementia

Dementia seems like a scary but not crazy diagnosis.  Vascular Dementia is different from Alzheimer's Disease.  Pick your poison, they both devastate your world.  The sad thing for my dad is that he knows he is losing his mind (cognitive function if you want to be precise).

In just one year Dad has gone from living in the family home and driving to living in an "independent living" facility and suffering from debilitating bouts of confusion.  He went from managing his entire world to needing help with everything from money management to daily medication.  Twice in the last week he double dosed himself on his medications. Hence we now will have the facility manage his medication  for him daily-- even though my brother called him daily to tell him what day of the week it was and which allocation of pills he needed from the pre-sorted pill box (that was sorted by the day of the week once a day dosage).

Getting old is not for sissies; if you have pride, leave it at the door -- it will be stripped from you.

Selling the family home in September was painful.  Dealing with depression afterward was heartbreaking.  How did he decline so quickly?  He was driving one year ago and yet last week he could not find his apartment without assistance.  He can't dial the phone and is saved by speed dials which are preprogrammed.  He can't remember his words and asks for Frito Scoops when he wants Chex Mix.  He can still joke and remind me that his boxers have the same stripes as his shirts -- "please don't take my boxers to the cleaners!" he reminds me :)  I have learned to that "My computer isn't working!" means that his TV is not working.  He has called me on the phone to let me know his phone does not work.

I think of it as the brain becoming swiss cheese.  Some parts are there and solid and some parts are GONE.

I miss my strong father.  I embrace the parts of him that are left and that I still recognize.  I feel sorrow that he suffers as he KNOWS he is losing it and is embarrassed beyond reassurance that he can not make it through the grocery checkout without delaying the line.  This haunts him despite the fact that everyone in line behind him finds him engaging, adorable, and a pleasure.  He apologizes beyond reason and fellow grocery shoppers smile and have nothing but patience for this kind old man who needs a little extra time and might need help with his words.  Palsy is obvious and nobody shames him for the extra time it takes to deal with that pesky billfold.

May I have the grace necessary to help him on this journey.  He is the BEST dad.... I wish he did not have to feel shame about the parts of the brain that are gone.  He used to be super active, very engaged, and the life of the party.  Now the world gets smaller for him and the bigger world misses out on a light as it starts to dim....

I know my mom went ahead to make a place for him.  It is my sincere hope that his suffering is minimized as he awaits the blessed reunion with the love of his life.  Mom left us 9 years ago.  It feels like a moment ago and a million years ago.  I want to keep dad with me, but I realize this is selfish.  His job is done.

His bride awaits.  He is ready for his father to welcome him home.  May God have mercy on my father and his soul.  May perpetual light shine upon him that I may not be selfish and hold him to this world while eternal life and the grand reunion await him.  May I remember that this reunion is what he deserves and that needing my dad is secondary to my dad's needs.

Where to begin?  It has been a crazy year.  My son who has a sleep disorder developed an eating disorder and attempted suicide one year ago this week.  Wonder Boy is way too intellectual.  If you don't function with faith in this world logic will kill you.  He attempted suicide and was very nearly successful.  We have spent the year in psychiatric treatment, eating disorder treatment, and 24/7 death watch.  He cut, he wallowed in depression, and he fought to get his life back.  He fought for US more than himself.  I have not blogged about this but I have journaled through our struggles.  You can know the symptoms, see the signs, plan with professionals, and STILL fail your child.  May no other parent walk this path.

I have learned to be patient.  I have learned to trust God.  I have learned that you can't fight the battles your child is destined to fight.  You can support.  You can pray.  You can learn.  You can help.  You can pray...  but you can't take the cross from your child's shoulders no matter how much you desire to do so.

We have made it a year.  He is still alive and working on his coping skills.  We are blessed.  I hope that there are positives that can come from this --- such as my being a resource to others walking on this path.  Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  If you are considering it please reach out for help.  The aftermath is unfathomable.... Let people help you  YOU ARE NEVER ALONE in your struggles.

We are blessed he is still here and fighting.  He is a Wonder Boy!

Odd Happiness

So it feels strange to be happy in my current circumstance, but I am!  My son is at a public bowling alley with his friends he met at "the looney bin."  He calls it that and I think this means he is getting healthier.  He tried to kill himself two and a half weeks ago.  He took a massive overdose of another family member's medication.  His plan was all or none.  This was not meant to be a suicide attempt.  He intended a successful suicide.  Wonder Boy didn't realize that it was not his time to go.  I thank God that I am watching over my suicidal son right now.  I am so grateful that he failed at his plan and that I'm not planning a funeral.

He woke up from his attempt the morning after he took the pills.  His plan was to sleep and never wake.  He was in top physical  condition due to it just being the end of his sport's season at school.  

We learned in January that he was having trouble sleeping.  We got him in to a sleep specialist and knew he was sad.  He was being a champ and going to school even though he was too exhausted to sleep.  

He was bravely going through the motions with little to no sleep as we awaited his sleep study results in March.  Little did we know that he was deeply depressed.  He was talking and the counselor and doctor told us not to panic about the depression because we had identified the root cause (sleep) and were working to resolve the issue.  There were much deeper issues.  

Wonder Boy was severely depressed, suffered from lack of sleep, had anxiety and had been bulimic since October.  We only found out about the sleep in January!  My baby (he is 16 but he is still my baby) had been suffering from all of this since October.  His thoughts of suicide began in January.  He did not tell us despite daily conversational check ins.  He did not tell us because he did not want to hurt our feelings.  Oh, and having my son die wouldn't hurt my feelings?  His response was that he would not be here to see it.  He would be dead.  Mental illness results in disconnect nonlogical thinking.

He felt sick the morning after his massive overdose.  The day before he had eaten poorly so I was a mean mom that morning.  I told him that he felt sick because he ate total crap yesterday.  "You made your bed, now you are going to lie in it.  You are going to school and will suffer through the day" is what I said.  I don't know what possessed me be such a mean mom. Thank God I was. He lived.

Happy

Life has such ups and downs. As I watch my father age I am sad.  As I watch my children grow, I am happy.  I miss those I have lost but I have hope for the future.  It is so nice when friends from the past reach out to me to reconnect.  I am so grateful for my blessings now that I've experienced loss and close calls.  I have learned to appreciate this moment... the right now.  If only I'd had this wisdom when I was younger!  Ah but to be able to battle through depression now with the knowledge that brighter days do come... that is such a blessing.  I guess my lack of blog posts show that I'm better able to manage depression, grief, and pain now.  I see the gift it can be when I am able to empathize with others who suffer the same experiences.  We are not alone.  That alone brings comfort to the aching heart.