ANNEX: GRINCH SOCKS AT CVS

 

me: i woke up in the middle of the night in the wrong bed, i should have been in your bed.

Jen R: cuddling only. nobody sleeps in the annex...

Jen: i don't know what it is but i'm feeling down.

me: that's usually me.

Jen: i'm feeling uncool. like i've been uncool for a long time, uncool this whole time.

me: if you're a soulmate you can't be uncool.

Jen: i missed getting the Grinch socks as the Happy Meal toy at McDonald's during Christmas. that really bummed me out. do you know where i can get those socks NOW?

me: CVS, believe it or not. 

Jen: that is so uncool. the same place people get beer?

Prince: i wanted to join in on "We Are The World" but i had crippling social anxiety. i asked to do my part of the chorus in my own soundproof booth...

Michael Jackson: you were scared to sing with me, pretty boy!!!

Cliff Clavin: the Boston accent is fading from existence. the Boston children don't speak like that now. soon it will be erased away from civilization, a lost language.

Frasier: everyone talks like me now...

Godfrey Reggio: the real way to be a monk is to make experimental film...

Ron Fricke: i have the look of someone who worked on Red Shoe Diaries...

Wendy's: our chili has RED beans. nobody puts red beans in chili anymore.

Stu: my dad's computer had just three things on it: NASCAR memes, baseball scores, and Filipina porn. 

James Joyce: it's like when i discovered my father's porn scratched on the underbelly of his school chair which became my school chair.

Stu: i'm just grateful it wasn't Sonic porn.

Jaleel White: ...

foursome: more stable. too much imbalance in a throuple.

Zalman King: an episode of television is called a motion picture...

black humor: you're not supposed to laugh, you're supposed to cry. you're supposed to hurt. sense the pain undergirding the comedy.

Stu: my father swallowed Tic Tacs like they were aspirin. see?

me: let me make a call.

Jen: you don't have that kind of power.

Julie Patzwald: hey.

Jen: JULIE!!! okay NOW i'm in good hands. you're a therapist i would pay for with no results, you know? because you're fun to hang out with.

Julie: dream last night. i have to know who i'm healing here.

Jen: i'm at one of those bars in the Caribbean that is a circular counter surrounded by water next to the turquoise-blue ocean. tiny rolling waves of surf crash on the glass bottles. i'm nursing a Bloody Mary while softly doing the doggy-paddle with my bare wet feet underneath the water. no chairs, no seats, no tables, just the countertop.

Julie: you're trying to be Tom Cruise?

Jen: no i'm just relaxing. i need to lounge more in life. i see on the TV overhead Kurt Loder giving the music news but it's Kurt Loder from Costa Rica. what do you think it means?

Julie: so it's Kurt Loder but with a beard. this is a good sign. it means Kurt's still alive. in OUR universe.

Kurt Cobain in scuba mask, tank, and flippers: yeah see i faked my own death and have been hiding in Costa Rica this whole time...

me: but why?

Kurt: to get away from Courtney.

Julie: Hole time.

Kurt: don't worry, i left her with Evan Dando. i'm not heartless.

Julie: you're buying Grinch shocks at CVS? the same place i get my wine coolers? oh no no no no no. let me show you where the REAL people buy their Grinch socks...

the Trump administration: an absolute NIGHTMARE for empaths.

Keith McNally: i was happy cycling around Martha's Vineyard alone the summer of '76. but i have a granddaughter. so can one be happy alone? the answer is no.

cow: my favorite Tool song is "The Pot". it's such a weird name for a song.

Gary Larson: i've explained the comic enough. fine, it's a bad strip. just because you don't understand it, don't understand NUANCE in cartoons, i can't help you. the creator can only do so much. i predicted a real cow using tools.

cow: you predicted nothing. we've been using power drills for centuries, you just never noticed. you only wanted us for our milk. your own scientists spent centuries trying to develop a brown cow that would squirt out chocolate milk...

Emmanuel Macron: these cool mirror aviator shades? yeah, that's it. they're cool. black eye? the missus? no you see it's symbolic, Trump is giving the world a black eye.

Mel Sharples: i was Chef Boyardee in real life!!! i never understood the appeal of Dinah Shore...

Beth Howland: i'm like if Skeletor was hot.

gale: a British hurricane.

Julie Patzwald: see? get those Grinch socks at Hot Topic like the rest of us. goths are cool.

Jen: i just love being in a mall again. the death of the mall is my midlife crisis.

Julie: hey, you, how did you make this BEAUTY of a woman think she could ever be uncool?

me: blame me, i'm used to it.

Jen: okay the Grinch socks are on and i'm sanguine. and fit. the socks are fit. i need to be prepared, you never know who you'll meet at Burning Man.

in the underground parking lot of the mall, Jen in her car turns on the radio knob and starts singing to Lady Gaga.

Jen: i'm gonna dance dance dance with my hands hands hands above my head head head like Jesus did...

ANNEX: NOT A FAN OF THE BOXES

 

Jen R: i live in the annex. of our house. my husband doesn't trust me to get the groceries, he thinks i'll get like 18 boxes of Froot Loops.

me: you can't do that on the Instacart app, right? at least your room is cool. with the thin-brasswire bed and Hawaii Five-O blanket and wood TV set from the '70s that only plays the SNL Channel.

Jen: one day i'm gonna surf on my blanket. i can't take any more weirdness from you.

me: me? 

Jen: what's with you and the boxes? you're the strangest house guest i've ever put up.

me: thank you for putting up with me, it's only till the DVDs run out.

Jen: you don't like boxes? like all the boxes in this place are GONE, you've taken all of the STUFF out of all of the boxes and recycled the boxes!!!

me: i'd say it was for space but i really think i have an undiagnosed fear of boxes. when i see a box i immediately have to flatten it.

Jen: all packages with a thin plastic skeleton. you take the popsicles out of the box in the freezer. all the EXTRA-LARGE boxes from Pizza My Heart are ripped to corrugated shreds. cereal's in the plastic Seinfeld cereal container. strawberry wafers in a baggie. separating the brownie into 8 bars. you take the Tootsie Roll Pops out of the package, the K-cups out of the paper coffee box, and put them both in ONE bowl...

me: i wish i could do it with the orange juice and milk containers. have any large bags?

Jen: i'm gonna have to find this again post-'80s, the only box you'll keep, the blue box from Van de Kamp frozen enchiladas. i get it, that blue is mesmerizing.

Chris Fowler: see? i wasn't Nick Saban trying to talk tennis...

Curt Flood: because of me, all baseball players are flooded with cash...

Dan Snyder: see the football is so bad but you can surf/ice-hockey, depending on the weather season, OUTSIDE the stadium. and the stadium flips over to reveal it was Noah's Ark all along...

Thanks, AI: the new Thanks, Obama.

haircut: to see Hamnet. and then maybe Hamlet later if that Buffalo park is open at night.

Xi: you see the smile on my face? i never smile. i'm having over Canada for a meeting about a trade deal...

Johnny Cash: i'm not Freddy Krueger, okay?

Metallica: we are simply classical music played in a metal style.

Tupac Shakur: yeah we were ALL grunge in the '90s, all the gangbangers wore plaid long-sleeved shirts over their white T-shirts...

we're in the annex.

me: dream last night: i'm trying to drive my dad's 1973 Pinto but i get the nerves. the trunk is locked shut with a set of larger-than-normal pool balls in a triangle rack inside, no key. after much whimpering and hedging i finally just fucking STEP on the gas and the trunk pops open. what do you think it means?

Jen: you still don't have the balls to live life. you gotta get out there, you gotta get in a car and drive to a place. only then will you find out your balls were actually larger than the average man's balls.

Zalman King: yeah i did do live television interviews promoting Red Shoe Diaries, but they were only broadcast on local Los Angeles stations. Steve Edwards was cool with my art.

Freedom Williams: no one has said "ill" or "rock the mic" since the '90s...

Lleyton Hewitt: i was on The Prince of Tennis? oh yeah, i was #1 at that time...

Withnail and I: Trainspotting in the country...

all surfers: are snowboarders.

The Little Prince: we should team up.

Harold and the Purple Crayon: you're not all alone in the universe with no friends, i crayoned your tiny planet, i'm your only friend...

King Kai: i'm jealous of your home...

Chevy Chase: it's not a skit, it's not a sketch, it's a bit.

Chevy Chase: i am not okay anymore...

Mickey Rooney: do you understand the universe now?

Yakko: ...

Mickey Rooney: i'm not a cartoon. better than those British buffoons Monty Python, i always hated those guys, they're so crude.

Rocko's Modern Life: the Bigheads, the green cave-toad neighbors, are Stanley and Helen Roper.

Rayactions: don't look at my tits.

Stanley Roper: but they're so plump.

Helen Roper: what? oh Stanley how could you!!!

Stanley: uh, ask Jack, somehow that gets me out of this...

Rayactions: Chris Cornell gave his life for this stuff you know. pay attention to my song analysis, i'm an opera singer. because of me you decided you liked music.

Trinity the cat: i have chartreuse eyes.

tree's down: not taking the Christmas tree down in February, the tree's in your front porch because the power outage caused wind damage.

Cary Elwes: YOULES.

Bryan Adams: Robin Hood looking like Kevin Costner was ridiculous.

Chopper from One Piece: if only i had been in charge of the covid vaccine...

Sir Alex Ferguson: the Patriots are gonna win the Super Bowl. Manchester United is good again. you say you liked the '90s but you really didn't.

Bill Belichick: and you DEFINITELY didn't like the 2000s.

Jen: i gotta get out of my living arrangement!!!

me: let's go to Slab City.

Jen: finally, a place that's NOT on the map.

we get there as the sun goes down. or up. plunging the Aztec sunrays to a pleasant purple in a bowl below the orange mountains.

Jen: Slab City is Pee-wee's Playhouse in real life. it's one large skateboard halfpipe.

me: don't look now but we're about to be encountered by a man who's basically Santa Claus if he were homeless. coming right for us.

naked disheveled Santa man: want some lemon spaghetti sauce that's still red?

Jen: huh. never thought that would work but i guess it does.

naked disheveled Santa man: this way you can skip the salad.

Jen: do you live here with your common-law wife you carry around everywhere?

naked disheveled Santa man: you can do that? there are no laws here.

me: i see a lot of desert-stone art and bone crosses but not houses, where does everyone live?

naked disheveled Santa man: we're not telling the government that!!!

Jesus with a punk shaved head: bone crucifixes...

naked disheveled Santa man: just promise me one thing, don't you cool folks be bringing over those Burning Man people, Slab City is Burning Man without the crowds. those unwashed masses, our clay halfpipe is a swimming pool you know. hello, my name is Tony Hawk. they never should have allowed skateboarding into the Olympics. oh, and you can't be disheveled if you're not wearing clothes.

 

WHEN THE TRAINS STOP RUNNING: UNIVERSE TALKS

 

Rodney Recloose from Skate or Die is manning the counter at Top Dog in Berkeley.

Jen R: what's with the bug eyes, dude?

Rodney Recloose: i'm Rodney Dangerfield with a green mohawk. somehow my face looks less ridiculous this way.

me: i've always wanted to work at Top Dog.

Jen: you've never wanted to work at all. that commercial flat-top grill is cool tho, the GIANT silver rectangle in front of your eyes and nostrils, listening to the SIZZLE of the linguica.

Rodney: linguica, it works as a standalone in a bun but not on pizza.

Jen: bun my buns!!! those are kaiser rolls!!!

Rodney: hey buddy.

me: me? i've never been called friend before.

Rodney: OPEN THE GLASS DOORS to this place!!! front AND back. it's the only way to cook hot dogs, otherwise this tiny box of a street-food building loses its Berkeley lore, it becomes a hotbox of NON-marijuana smoke.

Jen: then this beloved place is just a fire hazard. that's no fun.

Rodney: here, buddy, take my shovel to flip the dogs.

me: the responsibility. i'm shaking.

Rodney: when you were young you were practicing for this job, you just didn't know it. every time you cooked Lil Smokies in your pan for breakfast you were working your way up to linguica.

John Malkovich in a college red backwards cap: everyone thinks i'm Steve Buscemi. one linguica, no roll.

Rodney: slow the roll, got it. let the linguica sizzle in front of you, stare at it for like 20 minutes.

Rodney: there was a reason i asked you to open the doors, kid. at night everything changes, you can see the stars from Top Dog NOT on the roof. stare out at the sky from the door. the night sky. the endless stars. the endless stairs you have to take in life to see those stars. i'm not talking astrophysics here, kid, i'm talking metaphysics.

Jen: both have great departments at Berkeley. 

Rodney: what is the universe communicating to you right now, kid? in your ear.

universe: NOTHING.

me: i'd rather not say. too depressing. college is depressing enough.

pretzels: don't do it. don't get that bag of pretzels. you'll get sick of them after your second pretzel...

30 seconds: the precise time to reheat cold pizza in the microwave, TRUST me...

Wikipedia: humanity at its best, not found in the world...

Rodney Recloose: oh yeah i remember watching Koyaanisqatsi when i was a student here. or maybe it was last week. you know they say never watch hot dogs being made, but in this case it was worth it for the Philip Glass music. that's why i have glass doors.

Billy Corgan: tonight, tonight.

Genesis: ...tonight...

Waco Taco: doesn't make up for the missing Choco Taco.

Flinders Petrie: if God looked like a human...

The Grinch: when you think of the color green, you never think of lime green...

Trunks: what happens when i go Super Saiyan Blue?...

Roku: the legal ok.ru?

Night Court intro: a drug deal is going down...

Jacques Pepin: spaghetti? no. come on, man. just no. i'm not making fucking spaghetti.

Aribeth: i sound like Bulma!!!

Winnie the Pooh: i taught you to twerk, not Miley Cyrus.

audiologist: AUDIOLOGIST, not cardiologist. you think if i were a cardiologist i'd be on this game show trying to make some extra scratch? are you deaf?

Nugenix: and HE'LL like it, too. a-ha!!! you didn't think we had the guts to go there!!!

Fatburger: is this Twin Peaks? oh shit i forgot, David Lynch is dead...

Kurt Cobain: i won a yodeling contest in Spokane when i was age 6...

Dolores O'Riordan: that's nothing, i was a baby and i already knew Gaelic keening.

Dave Gahan: it's pronounced Gone. in my mind i've been gone since the Ultra album came out...

Sylvia Plath: stay the path.

Richard Gere: we're a small planet. do you realize how SMALL our planet is? we can't have these stupid-clown world leaders like Trump and Putin going around throwing around their power like candy. we must enact laws and do initiatives which will benefit ALL THE PEOPLE all over the world. Earth is tiny. do you think fascism would thrive on Jupiter? only Buddhism is BIG enough to encompass the universe.

Dalai Lama: you're the most famous Buddhist in the world and i hate that.

me: thanks for this arrangement.

Jen: anytime. that's what friends are for.

me: it's the stupidest thing, those lost episodes of classic '70s and '80s shows that are not on the online lists, i had to send away for the box set.........of DVDs. it wasn't until three days later that i realized: i have no way to play DVDs at my house!!!

Jen: yeah i used to have one of those computers with the thing on the side you slip the DVD in. and my TV used to play DVDs until we got a Roku for some reason. but i do still have a Dell computer with a broken tray...

me: so i can go to your house anytime to watch these obscure episodes?

Jen: i guess. *sigh* why did i have to date a completionist?

Denise Miller: look at my butt. i mean really look at my BUTT. are you watching the episode where i lose my virginity at the prom? that was a Fish episode, right?...

WHEN THE TRAINS STOP RUNNING: TAXI PUNCHBOWL

 

Louise Lasser: nobody puts out a punchbowl at a party anymore.

Jen R: i know, how do you expect people to put out? nobody puts a lampshade on their head anymore because there are no more lampshades, it's tragic.

Louise: nobody sets out a grandfather clock. grandfathers have to set out their goals...

Jen: what color is punch?

Louise: only red.

me: not necessarily.

i take a can of warm RC Cola and hold it to my face rubbing it all over my cheeks.

me, eyes closed: my mild prince.

Jen: you okay?

me in hushed tones: my only friend.

i pour the RC into the punchbowl to spike it.

Louise Lasser: me too. Taxi showed life how it really was, gritty and dark. Christmas isn't a time of jolly and giving, it's a DESPERATE DEPRESSING time. when you have no family. when you've disappointed every member of your family. when all your friends are gone because you're annoying. there are worse fates than being homeless. why does everyone ELSE have a healthy family during Christmas?!!! i had nowhere to stay. my ex-husband Judd Hirsch was kind enough after much noodging to allow me to crash on the couch at his apartment for the holidays. i would have preferred his bedroom but i didn't ask if he remarried...

Chicago: known for its cocoa...

Leonardo DiCaprio: pasta pasta and more pasta. Chef Boyardee is old enough to be my father...

Abe Vigoda: i'm Dracula with puppy-dog eyes.

canvas envelope: to be used only by Indiana Jones in the jungle to stuff cash in in the event of a witch-doctor emergency.

Bubblegum Crisis: to be watched only by those age 50 and older...

Boomers: when you think of the word Boomer, you never think of a woman...

Louise Laser conducts a seance alone in Judd Hirsch's NYC apartment on Christmas Eve that apparently only benefits herself. she's the only one who can hear the ghost voices.

Louise Lasser: i move my long slender bony witch fingers around and up and down every corner of the Ouija and spell out the word KOYAANISQATSI. my mother always said i would either die a witch or win a spelling bee. did you know Koyaanisqatsi was the first Enigma music video? there is no such thing as a Hopi curse, the Hopi are too enlightened for that. it was the first Sesame Street episode. the inspiration for the movies Working Girl, Hoop Dreams, and The Lathe of Heaven. that empty warehouse was used in a George Michael music video and a '90s season of The Real World. it was trying to show us that all those glass windows from Alexandria in Roman Egypt in 100 AD on should have been used as solar panels, we'd have enough energy now!!!

Suzy Lu: grab your sweeties. and your sweetie.

Steejo: ...

Kakashi: and your Wicked lemon popcorn.

ALF: if you were the little brother in the family of ANY '80s sitcom, you have NO CHANCE in life...

Death Note: someone's final message before death.

Jesus: an eternity with Scott Adams? but he's so annoying. i'd rather hang out with Dilbert, he doesn't say much, i can read his thoughts, he's a funny guy.

Dilbert: my tie represents my erect penis.

Garfield: corporate mismanagement? that's a liberal concept. that's a Berkeley concept. because of you, Scott Adams, newspaper readers flocked back to me!!!

T-Mobile: you're welcome, Scrubs fans...

Applebee's: we present our burgers cut down the middle and then the two halves are placed face-down side-by-side on the plate. it's so BIZARRE you'll forget you gave up burgers for life.

vamoose: mousse pie.

Benji Gregory: i mean you'd think ALF would be the one to overheat.

leave the pot: of coffee, this ain't a marijuana deal at Denny's!!!

Judge Harold T. Stone: that's not Marilyn Monroe, that's Jean Harlow...

at one of those impromptu Christmas parties where you never know who's gonna knock at the door next...

Louise Lasser: yes i'm noodging God. God needs it. i mean why bother listening to the prayers of the Ice Capade babes, they have it made. 

Jen R: yeah, they work with the Smurfs.

Louise: i want a New Year's kiss from my husband Judd Hirsch, ON THE LIPS. i want to go back to how things used to be. let's pretend we're still a family. that nothing has changed. that everything is stable and light. and will be that way for the next 60 years.

Ignatowski: my name sounds like John Belushi in a frat toga who lives in Ancient Rome. i was a student at Harvard with a mind sharper than Timothy Leary's. then i ate ONE pot brownie. ONE. fucked my mind up to the point where all i do now is blurt out incoherently brilliant fragments of thought. my brain is frenzied up and down. i speak like i've always just had a can of Mountain Dew.

me: story of my life.  

Ignatowski: yeah so let me tell you about the dream i had last night. i'm with Billy Idol, he's behind the curtain just about to go on stage.

Billy Idol: yeah. and the crowd is chanting SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE, it's all they seem to want. as their rock god i can't go around disappointing my people so i run through that curtain, get out there on that stage, bathe in the frayed light of the spotlight, and sing "Eyes Without A Face..."

Louise Lasser: my monologues are long and frantic. who left that stain on the wall? is that wall stain poo or the pot brownie?

Abe Vigoda: it can be both. sorry. i was already an old man in the '70s...

Louise: remember guys, TWO SHEETS of toilet paper is the limit. get all your caca out on two sheets.

Jen: yeah. if the toilet floods no one gets regular brownies for dessert...