Our Adoption Story: Part 3

Struggling:

The next part of our adoption story is where I really struggle.  I struggle to understand why.  I struggle to understand what is okay to share and what is not.  I struggle with the stigma attached to our troubles.  I struggle with the unfair judgments that are passed upon me and/or my family.  I struggle with the gossip.  I struggle with people’s lack of understanding.  I struggle to accept. 

It is this struggle that prompted me, in the first place, to write this adoption story.  Ours is not the warm fuzzy story that so many of my friends have.  It has taken a long time to come to terms with that.  I have felt bitter, heartsick, devastated, and beaten down. 

When pregnancy doesn’t work you are told, “It’s okay—you can adopt.”  What happens when that doesn’t go the way you expect either?  Well, that is what you are about to find out in the upcoming posts. 

 Breaking Point:
January 2011 rolled around and something happened that I still struggle to put into words.  At no point had the foster care trainer covered anything like this!  I instinctively knew that this wasn’t “normal”, not even for a foster care adoption.  This was beyond anything I could comprehend!

 I called our post-adopt worker and told him what was going on.  He listened carefully and then replied, "She is going through a ‘Psychiatric Break’.  She needs to go to the State Mental Hospital".  I fell to pieces!  What? My baby has to go where?!  No! She's not going!

 When Living Rooms Become Psychiatric Hospitals:

For many more months, I spent countless days and nights caring for her as if we were in a psychiatric hospital.   Night after night I stayed up with her until 5am as she screamed uncontrollably about "something blue that had jumped out of the sink".  She insisted it was coming to get her, as was “the man with a knife standing outside of her window each night”, none of which was actually happening. 

I would put my hands on her face, look into her eyes, and with tears pouring down my face, say, "Sweetie, where are you?  Please!  Come back to us!"  She stared back vacantly.

The nights of screaming turned to days of screaming.  The psychosis got worse and she began taking out her violent actions onto my other two children, who were only 3 and 7, at the time.  Bloody noses, black eyes, and bruised cheeks became common-place.  Brothers where asked if they wanted a treat and when they replied yes, they’d get punched in the face and asked, “Did you enjoy your treat?”  None of which she would remember when she would pull out of the psychotic episodes.

The boys’ beds were pulled into our rooms at night, so that they could sleep safely behind a locked door with mom and dad nearby for protection.  Life became about surviving, literally and emotionally.

Our Adoption Story: Part 2

The Challenging First Year:

We had been taught in our Foster Care training that the first year would be the hardest.  We were told about the “honeymoon period”, where everything would be full of fun and excitement, where she’d be on her absolute best behavior!  

(That first year, the kids adored one another.)

After the honeymoon period you are taught to expect a “testing phase”.  This is the phase were they say, “Do you REALLY love me?”  This is the phase where they will push every limit there is to push!  It’s when their actions say, “If I scream and swear at the top of my lungs in Church, will you still love me?”  Or, “If I throw my desk over in class and swear at my 4^th grade teacher, will you still love me?”  And so on.

We knew how hard the testing phase would be. In fact, during our foster care training the trainer said, "My job is to scare the hell out of you."  We knew what we were up against.

The honeymoon period came and went.  The testing phase came and went.  Life went back to normal.  Our new daughter was neither the angel from the honeymoon period or the terror from the testing phase, she was simply Kayla.

 

Finalization & Temple Sealing:

In April 2010, 8 months after Maylee joined our family, we were asked if we wanted to continue with the adoption.  Which meant, did we want to finalize/make  it legal?  After a blissful honeymoon period and an exhausting testing phase, I dropped to my knees, tired, feeling beaten down, and needing counseling from my Father in Heaven.  I remember saying, “Heavenly Father, I just don’t think I have the tools to help Kayla, but I love her so much.”  And when the prayer finished the words came to my mind, “No, you don’t have the tools to help Kayla, but they will be given to you as you need them.  You must trust.”  And with that I chose to:

Let Go and Let God

We finalized the adoption that month.  After being baptized a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, a choice that was always hers to accept or decline, she was sealed to us in the Bountiful Temple for time and eternity.  She was eternally ours!

 

One Year Down and Eternity to Go:

Whew!  That first year was a doozy!  It was everything the foster care trainer had prepared us for and now with the testing phase over and life returning to normal, I was ready to help Maylee (who by this point had decided to change her name) tackle some of the challenges in her life.  My life became devoted to my daughter in every possible way.

She returned to school, for 5^th grade, a stronger, more capable, and polite young lady.  The teachers could not believe the rapid gains and improvements she had made in only a year!  My phone began ringing regularly, e-mails flooded in, and people I didn’t know stopped me on the street to say, “You have done an amazing job with Maylee!  She’s like a new kid.  You must have worked so hard for her.”  You cannot begin to understand my relief!   It was happening!  My daughter was evolving into this beautiful butterfly!

Our Adoption Story: Part 1

Finding Our Daughter:
April 2009 we found our daughter on an adoption photo-listing online.  I showed her picture to Chris, not because I wanted to adopt her, but because she reminded me of someone I knew.  She was familiar to me in a way that I hadn't felt before.  Upon showing Chris her picture, he immediately said, “Christina, that’s our daughter.”  I sat in silence—shocked.  After all, I was expecting a newborn!

(This was her glamour shot that was used for her adoption photo-listing.)

I read Chris her adoption profile and before I was even half way through I got that feeling that only an adoptive parent can understand---that "this is your child" feeling.  Tears filled my eyes and at that moment, I knew she was ours.  She wasn't the newborn I had planned on, but I learned something that day:

Let Go and Let God

Meeting Our Daughter:
Four years ago yesterday, August 16, 2009, we met our daughter for the first time.  I will never forget pulling up to her foster home and seeing this little face peer out of this huge glass window.  I was like, “Oh my gosh!!  There she is!!”  She was adorable with her little glasses, thick bangs, chapped lips, and crooked smile. 

(This was an accurate picture of Maylee, at time of adoption.)

 

We spent a few days in Oregon, where she is from, getting to know her.  We  took her to Sunset Beach near Coos Bay, Maylee’s hometown.  Maylee, who was named Kayla, at the time, always said it was "her beach".  She went there as a young child and remembers making sandcastles with her biological siblings.  We began referring to the beach as "Kayla's Beach". 

(This is our first family photo ever.  It as taken on Kayla's Beach.)

While we were walking along Kayla's beach, 4 years ago today, Chris stopped in his tracks and whispered to me, "Do you remember that dream I told you about a few years ago?  We had two little boys and a daughter?  Remember?  I told you we were on a beach."  I nodded.  He replied, "This is it Christina.  My dream was on Kayla's beach and Kayla is our daughter from the dream.”   At that moment any doubts I had diminished.  I knew she was ours. 

The Exciting First Year:
The first year with Maylee was exciting!!  You can’t imagine the excitement when your daughter stops calling you “Chris and Christina” and calls you “Mom and Dad”.  You will never forget that first time she says, “I love you.”  Or even the simple things like pulling over on the top of Monte Cristo to show her snow for the first time in her life, watching her throw it up into the air, and giggle when it lands on her face!  These moments of bliss, when the world just stops and my husband and children are the only ones in it with me, are what makes all of what I do worth-while.

(This was Maylee's first time seeing snow.)



 

Going Back in Time: Part 10 (Spring 2011)

Okay trying to catch up is taking an awfully long time and in the process I'm missing out on posting our most current experiences.  I'm going to go back and journal  what I can remember.  I may post a picture here and there, but posting the pictures are what take so long!

Spring 2011:

We moved into our home in Huntsville in April 2011.  Our new address is 340 S. 7600 E. Huntsville, UT.  While we love our new home, we really struggled with leaving North Fork.  We left behind so many good friends and an amazing ward. We truly felt we had a ward family in North Fork.  It was hard for a little while adjusting to our new ward.  However, we LOVE our next door neighbors, Rob and Heather Quist.  They are the greatest and we feel blessed to have them near us!

Korbin turned 4 on April 6th.  He had a party in our backyard.  We played with sidewalk chalk and blew bubbles.  Of course, we had delicious cake, too!  It was a Lightening McQueen styled party, as that was his FAVORITE thing!  (He still loved the trains, but Disney's Cars took over as his #1 interest, at this point.)

Landon continued with karate and earned his green belt this Spring.  As a family, we spent a lot of time playing on the beaches of Pineview.  We did all the typcial fun family things like saftey fairs and family outings.  I, also, had a FABULOUS Mother's Day.  

We went to Salt Lake City and spent the day with my mom.  She took us to a warm spring on the north side of Salt Lake City.   We, also, went to Liberty Park, in Salt Lake City.  The kids had a lot of fun and I did, too!  This year Chris got me a small camera with a video option on it.  That's just  what I had hoped for!

This Spring my parents split up after over 20 years of marriage.  It was very hard on all of us and was very shocking.  My dad, John, left and moved to California with someone he knew.  We spent this Spring (along with many more months) trying to help my mom.  She had to pack up her home and sell it.  She just simply had a lot of things to figure out.  On top of it, she was feeling quite down, of course.  It was a very difficult time for our family, in that regard.

On top of the break up, Maylee's issues had spirraled out of control.  Long story short, we began working with an agency called KT&T.  Our post adoption worker, Aubery Myers, had put us in touch with them.  They provided us with a therapist, Kristina Hunt, and began locating us a respite provider.  We went through a handful of respite providers before we found, Flora Rider, who was willing to stick out the tough times and help us with Maylee.  Maylee began doing occassional respite with Flora.  The post adoption team of Utah provided us a grant to pay for the extreme cost of $50/night! 

KT&T, also, put us in touch with Sutton Clinical Services, where we met a great psychologist, Jennifer Calcut.  Jennifer began testing on Maylee.  The testing provided us with great insight, but it was also a diagnosis of shattered dreams.

It took many months to find everything out (and now in 2012 we aren't sure we know everything yet), but the end result was that Maylee was much more low functioning than we had realized.  She was diagnosed with Bipolar, Reactive Attachment Disorder, and low IQ.  This was in addition to her other diagnosises.  The low IQ was really hard for me to take in. We hadn't realized how low functioning she was and to hear how low her IQ really was, it made me realize how hard she has to work to even get through the day. 

As Jennifer had suspected, Maylee was later diagnosed with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome by a genetic doctor at Primary Children's Medical Center.  This meant that we had just been told that our daughter would never be independent as an adult.  We were told she would always require care and assistance.  College was out of the question, marriage very unlikely, and having children was a huge NO!  Not only was she not going to be able to do all the things we'd dreamed of, but they strongly believed she'd have to live in a group home.   My dreams were shattered!

Victoria brought a lot of comfort to me.  She used to work with special needs adults in a residential living center, the type of place Maylee will likely live.  She told me of all the great opportunities that Maylee will be presented with.  She told me of regular activities with friends, trips to Disney, and services that would help Maylee live day to day, along with helping her secure a part-time job at her ability level.  While the fact can never be changed that our daughter has FAS and nothing could be harder in my life than that fact, this talk with Victoria brought me much peace.

Maylee participated in her first and last piano recital this spring.  As her hands had to move more and as the music became more complex, she was unable to continue with piano.  She enjoyed it very much, but it brought  much frustration and upset into her already complex life.  Nana and Papa Holland came and supported Maylee in this special event, along with her family, of course.

January 2011 was the start of one of the hardest years in my life.  I felt so alone, so trapped, so exhausted, and just overall down.  My childhood family had been destroyed and now it felt like FAS was going to destroy my new little family.  It was a time of great despair and tradgedy.  I spent many, many days and nights on my knees in prayer.

Going Back in Time: Part 9 (Huntsville Remodel 2011)

As soon as we got keys to the new house we began remodeling.  The kitching cabinets were yuck, so I wanted them painted before I put anything in them.  We hope to replace them at some point.  The day we got keys my mother-in-law helped me paint cabinets, while Matt and my father-in-law helped Chris replace the ugly, old exterior doors.  We also hired in a carpet cleaner, so it was a busy day!

Here are the AFTER pictures as of 2011:

Music/Sitting Room

Music/Sitting Room

Entry looking onto music room

Kitchen and eat-in dinning

Kitchen

Music Room

New Painted Fence by Mom

New Treehouse by Dad

Korbin's Room

Master Bedroom